Sustained relationships post 2

[maggie mae]

This is a repost of my earlier Letter. As one of my respondents said It was vague I Agree. My earlier post (long

 

and lenghty) was deleted in learning how to post here. Thought I needed to go through hoop thankfully on this site

 

its very easy. Enough about that. Here is my dillema.

 

I can't seem to make relationships last. I have been married twice have had several boyfriends I am in my 40's

 

so time enough to have a few boyfriends. ha ha

 

All of them are gone I don't go back to relive the experience with them but just call it done. My latest relationship has been with a committment phobic man of 42

 

who has never been married or had children. And I thought

 

I could change that. It seems my relationships start out fine. I appear Independent, fun and full of life (which I

 

usually am). But then I get involved with someone and after

 

a while they leave. Days at a time leave I don't feel like the one in control anymore. I get with headstrong men and they try to rule the roost. Which angers me and I start picking fault (with their leadership I guess?)I have had one relationship where I felt in control of it. I know in the real world It's supposed to be equal. But you all know

 

relationships where you know which one makes the decisions.

 

I loved it. Alas I dropped him.

 

I believe I set it up by going along with them afraid If I express the way I feel it will be put down. And has been.

 

I am an intelligent women who "does'nt have a lot more time

 

to waste finding "The One" And when you are my age You accumalate a lot of baggage. Any advice how I can turn this around?

[Jenna]

Have you seen the movie "Run Away Bride" ? If not rent it- and pay particular attention to why Julia Robert's character never ends up with the right guy.

 

It sounds like you need to get to know and love yourself before you can expect anyone else to. If your personality isn't of a "passive" or "submissive" nature- yet that is what you project in the beginning of a relationship- neither you or your boyfriends are going to be happy once the "real" you comes out. This is why "games" never work- people try to be what the other person wants- and you can only "act" for so long. If men that you meet are looking for a passive personality and you fool them into thinking you're the one- only to find out later that you are independent and strong willed- its no wonder they leave. You just aren't what they had in mind.

 

Don't be afraid to be yourself- its how you find a compatible mate. Put all your cards out on the table- the men that aren't interested will move on and the ones that are looking for your traits will let you know they are interested.

 

Strong willed-independent women scare a lot of men off- I have had this problem too- but looking back- I didn't want to be with that kind of man anyways. So, let men see the real you- let it show that you are proud of the person you are and don't intend to change. One of these days- a wise, respectful, fun loving, independent man will ask you, "Where have you been all my life?"

 

Good Luck, Jenna

This is a repost of my earlier Letter. As one of my respondents said It was vague I Agree. My earlier post (long and lenghty) was deleted in learning how to post here. Thought I needed to go through hoop thankfully on this site its very easy. Enough about that. Here is my dillema. I can't seem to make relationships last. I have been married twice have had several boyfriends I am in my 40's so time enough to have a few boyfriends. ha ha All of them are gone I don't go back to relive the experience with them but just call it done. My latest relationship has been with a committment phobic man of 42 who has never been married or had children. And I thought I could change that. It seems my relationships start out fine. I appear Independent, fun and full of life (which I usually am). But then I get involved with someone and after a while they leave. Days at a time leave I don't feel like the one in control anymore. I get with headstrong men and they try to rule the roost. Which angers me and I start picking fault (with their leadership I guess?)I have had one relationship where I felt in control of it. I know in the real world It's supposed to be equal. But you all know relationships where you know which one makes the decisions. I loved it. Alas I dropped him. I believe I set it up by going along with them afraid If I express the way I feel it will be put down. And has been. I am an intelligent women who "does'nt have a lot more time to waste finding "The One" And when you are my age You accumalate a lot of baggage. Any advice how I can turn this around?

[Tony T]

Check your baggage in at the counter and start anew.

 

You need to do some research to find out the components of a good, healthy relationship and what kind of men are capable to engaging in such. If you don't master those things, you will never get out of the starting gate.

 

When you're in a relationship, there needs to be mutual admiration and repect as well as consideration, understanding, forgiveness and a keen ability to overlook the petty stuff and engage in constructive conflict resolution.

 

Spend some time examining the components of good relationships and don't accept anything short of that. If you get with someone who is not a possiblity, cut your losses short and move on. As you said, you don't have the kind of time you had 20 years ago.

 

You need to stop carrying all your own baggage around with you...heal from it...forgive those who contributed to it...and start the whole relationship out anew. You'll be just fine.

[maggie mae]

Have you seen the movie "Run Away Bride" ? If not rent it- and pay particular attention to why Julia Robert's character never ends up with the right guy. It sounds like you need to get to know and love yourself before you can expect anyone else to. If your personality isn't of a "passive" or "submissive" nature- yet that is what you project in the beginning of a relationship- neither you or your boyfriends are going to be happy once the "real" you comes out. This is why "games" never work- people try to be what the other person wants- and you can only "act" for so long. If men that you meet are looking for a passive personality and you fool them into thinking you're the one- only to find out later that you are independent and strong willed- its no wonder they leave. You just aren't what they had in mind. Don't be afraid to be yourself- its how you find a compatible mate. Put all your cards out on the table- the men that aren't interested will move on and the ones that are looking for your traits will let you know they are interested.

 

Strong willed-independent women scare a lot of men off- I have had this problem too- but looking back- I didn't want to be with that kind of man anyways. So, let men see the real you- let it show that you are proud of the person you are and don't intend to change. One of these days- a wise, respectful, fun loving, independent man will ask you, "Where have you been all my life?" Good Luck, Jenna

Thanks Jenna for the encouragement I've never seen myself

 

as playing games but you called a spade a spade and I believe that is a problem I've been appearing submissive and passive when my nature is quite the opposite. Trying to forever please a partner over yourself is exhausting. Today before I saw your's and Tony's post THANKS YOU TWO for that I made a decision, after several months of debating it. I'm going to return to my home town and start my real estate appraisal business there I have clients begging me to work there and I have family and friends there I Love.

 

I moved up here several hours from my home town to be with my man almost 3 years ago. It was against my better judgement and I'm going to set it right. I feel better already. And yes Jenna I saw Run Away Bride Last week and saw myself smack in the middle of Julia Roberts musing of

 

How she liked her eggs ha ha Will work on this. I love this site It is one that is actually helpful and that several people are on. Thanks Maggie Mae (Even that song tells a story about my life alas).

[Jenna]

So glad to hear that you are taking charge of yourself! You sound like a woman who knows what she wants- all you have to do now is be yourself- and you will see how easily it comes. Good luck with your business- and I bet you will love being back home- I am so happy for you.

 

Keep us posted!! Jenna

Thanks Jenna for the encouragement I've never seen myself as playing games but you called a spade a spade and I believe that is a problem I've been appearing submissive and passive when my nature is quite the opposite. Trying to forever please a partner over yourself is exhausting. Today before I saw your's and Tony's post THANKS YOU TWO for that I made a decision, after several months of debating it. I'm going to return to my home town and start my real estate appraisal business there I have clients begging me to work there and I have family and friends there I Love. I moved up here several hours from my home town to be with my man almost 3 years ago. It was against my better judgement and I'm going to set it right. I feel better already. And yes Jenna I saw Run Away Bride Last week and saw myself smack in the middle of Julia Roberts musing of

 

How she liked her eggs ha ha Will work on this. I love this site It is one that is actually helpful and that several people are on. Thanks Maggie Mae (Even that song tells a story about my life alas).