8ball Posted May 14, 2004 Share Posted May 14, 2004 My wife and I have been together for 7 years. We had a serious car accident 1 year after meeting. My wife put on a lot of weight and I had trouble dealing with that. I turned to internet porn and once I went to a massage therapist and paid for masturbation. I went to counseling because we had other troubles. Very different family backgrounds - I'm type A and always on time, she's very laid back. So we argued about silly things. But the counseling worked to wake me up. One day I decided to tell her about the internet problem and the massage therapist. I had realized that I had become someone that I didn't want to be anymore. She almost left me. I worked very hard and she decided to give it one final chance. I actually broke down sobbing when she told me - 1st time I've cried in 15 years. Now I'm still going to couseling and being very careful to observe my thoughts and behavior and I've quit going to the internet. What I find difficult is I've told a couple of guys about my problem (re: internet and massage) and they both downplayed the whole thing. One guy went so far as to tell me that I shouldn't have told my wife and he was a married man. Another guy, once divorced, told me that I should go and find a more beautiful wife. I told them both that I realized that I wanted more from my relationship than lies - I want to really connect if possible. So I have to agree with my wife that us men are really sick. Like my counselor says "a woman wants a man to show that he cares about her before having sex with him - a man wants a woman to have sex with him to show that she cares about him". So I've decided to stop talking about my relationship problems with those friends until I find a friend that has some vision. In the meantime I'll talk to my therapist and my wife. Link to post Share on other sites
FolderWife Posted May 14, 2004 Share Posted May 14, 2004 gOOOOOOD idea. I'm a woman, but I have talked to men for relationship advice, and everything they've told me just makes things worse. Actually, it's hard to get unbiased advice from people you KNOW. I highly recommend online people who don't know anything about you for advice. I definately recommend not talking to those guys about your marriage any more. Really, marital issues should stay WITHIN the marriage, unless you want to talk to a counsellor, or someone anonomously. Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted May 15, 2004 Share Posted May 15, 2004 I definately recommend not talking to those guys about your marriage any more. Really, marital issues should stay WITHIN the marriage, unless you want to talk to a counsellor, or someone anonomously. I completely agree. A couple's problems are their business, and theirs alone. Link to post Share on other sites
hope&pray Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 Love is all that matters. Forget what those friends say. Link to post Share on other sites
oscaroc Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 I am curious as to how porn affected your marriage. even if you just look at it does it affect you and your wife? I am just curious i don't know of very many men that haven't looked at porn. Link to post Share on other sites
Author 8ball Posted May 17, 2004 Author Share Posted May 17, 2004 Thanks everyone for taking the time to respond. I do appreciate this type of communication more than with my friends because I feel I have time to better evaluate the response. I definitely will no longer communicate with my friends about my relationship difficulties. The problem is that I have respect for them in other areas and I don't want their short-sighted ideas to influence me. I did have the sense to remain focused after hearing their words and not let them influence my drive to improve my communication with my wife. I see my counselor again tomorrow (once/week) and I'm going to share with him their terrible suggestions. There is really a tendency for men to hold completely separate lives. Like my wife says, she had to relate to 2 different people - the one she knew and the one that she had 'felt' existed. As to porn in a relationship, I don't think its an issue if you both watch it. As long as its REALLY that you both want to watch it. For example, a couple of years ago my wife suggested we rent an adult movie. That was really strange for me. She recently explained that she knew that I didn't find her as attractive so she thought it would make sex interesting for me again. So in fact she never personally wanted to watch it. But if you go and watch it when your wife is not home - as I did - and satisfy yourself without her - as I did - then I know that its not a healthy thing. You start to look at women differently after that and you waste your sexual energy. Right now the sex with my wife is amazing. I haven't looked at porn for over 3 weeks (not very long still I know - that's why I posted in separation section of website) and the sex with my wife has been really good. I feel so much more there. I'm not fantasizing that she's a different woman now either. I focus on the moment, on the feeling, on her. Man, I'm continuing to realize how important sex is in relationships. I used to think it was in a separate 'compartment' but its really very linked into everything. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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