some speculations, LONG!

[zingyd]

i have been doing too much thinking again and this is what i came up with:

when i think of the way that ricky is i know he is a good man. he works, has a house, a good future, money, does not ask for much, is generous, loves his family, take his granny out all the time, likes to travel, is willing to help me all the time, goes out of his way for others, helps my girls when he can, pays for everything, has a nice vehicle, spoils the hell out of me, he is smart, funny when he wants to be, likes to do thing, sporting things, trips, hiking, bike riding, etc..he is somewhat active to a point, but likes his downtown in the evenings too, is social, somewhat out going, good with conversations when he does not know you, everybody likes him, gets along so well with others, is helpful, likes to garden, and cook, likes a clean house, takes pride in ownership of what ever he owns, vehicles, goes to church, home, etc, treats my kids great, accepts my grand kids as his own and lets them call him grampa and enjoys it, buys when ever we need something, does not let us go without what we need, makes sacrifices, paid medical bills for me. okay well i could go on but you get my drift right?

 

with so much going for himself and so much to offer someone why the hell do i feel that he is such an a**h*** jerk???

 

do you know how mnay women would die to have a guy like him, that does all that stuff for her and with her?

 

he can be very supportive...like when my brother died, he paid for the whole trip for us to go home to the funeral.

 

there are just some charaterictics about him that drive me nuts and vice versa.

 

his lack of patience, his lack of communication with just small talk with me, his anger, his badgering of me when he is mad at me. it is not like these are daily occurances but they have been in the past and maybe i am just bitter towards him of his past treatment even if i can admit i probably deserved some of it.

 

all he asks of me is to allow him to go on his trips to accompany him on them as he wants me to be with him, to work, which i do, to clean, i keep up on the house, to pay the bills, i always do, and to be a partner with him.

 

i do all these things yet why does everything seem like such a struggle? it seems i am always rebelling against him, like he is the enemy instead of my partner.

 

so why is this so hard? why am i making our life so hard? why am i making it harder then it has to be? why cant i just go with the flow and enjoy our life together?

 

he never cheats on me, or looks at other women, never gives me cause to feel jealous, treats me like a queen when we go out, compliments me all the time, almost to the point of annoyance...so what is wrong with me then?

 

don't get me wrong, i wont take advantage of him, i appreciate everything he does for me and i respect him for his work though i never show it, inwardly i do.

 

inwardly i have alot of respect for him, and sometimes when i am in work situations i think of what he would do and try to apply it...he is very work savvy and has great verbage to sound so smart.

 

there are so many great things about him...so what is wrong with me then??? i feel that i apreciate all he does, why do i feel that he is such an ass hole all the time, well more times then not?

 

so why am i such a dummie? why do i seem to be the minority here?

is something wrong with meeeee?

can he really be so perfect? if so what does that mean and say about me?

[bluechocolate]

The words "I love him" were missing from your post.

 

If you don't love him then end it.

[ZINGYD]

well in my heart i do love him, but at times my mind is in conflict with that.

the times when in conflict is when we fight which is not that often.

but i do feel that i love him.

[ladyangel]

Zingy - Have you had counseling about these issues?

[moimeme]

How would you feel if he vanished off the face of the earth tomorrow?

[zingyd]

yes i am in counseling for these issus, well i am starting back in a couple weeks because the lady had a baby and was on maternity leave so we have to see someone new now.

if he "vanished" tomorrow i would be quite devastated. i spent yesterday trying ever so hard living in the present morment and trying to be spontaneous and having fun and being fun loving and i had a great time!

we went to a ball game when my first inital reaction when he asked was "NO"! then i remembered that i wanted to change then i said YES! lets go! we went and had a very good time!

little changes on the inside do not make even a slight dent on the outside, you know?

i just wish i did not feel so trapped inside my own head and mind, it is just so suckie.

so many things i want to really do but i just feel so stuck on being difficult or saying no, or something, i haven't quie figured me out yet but i am trying.!!!

[moimeme]

It's good you're seeing a counsellor because it can take a long time to dig out the reasons behind why you do what you do. As for saying 'no' and being contrary, might this have anything to do with your relationship with your parents? Some people end up with a need to 'rebel' if they felt too controlled at points in their life. Or did you have another bf who was controlling?

 

BTW, you said you're a grandmother??? Did I get that right? You have kids and grandkids? I was always under the impression you were much younger. Do you have leftover issues from old relationships?

[zingyd]

well i am 47! i do not wish to be young again either, this time in my life is just great because i am learning to be so conscious. i have been listening to a book on tape called "the seat of the soul", it talks about making conscious decsions and soul work, etc. it has been very inspiring to me and i have learned a great deal from it. still my problems persist and they drag me down to almost a depression.

i have 9 grand kids...my newest is about three weeks old from my youngest daughter. another one due july 30th by my oldest daughter and my son has six of them between three different women.

so when this next one is here that will be number 10 for grand kids. i only really know the three that live here around me, the others live in three different states and i have not had any real contact with their mothers.

one is adopted out, he is my oldest and i email him and get pictures of him, he is the spitting image of his day in every way. three of the other ones all live in the same town as him and he sees them alll the time and i get frequent pics of them and they know how i am. then the other two i do not know and do not know there whereabouts and neither does my son.