Going backwards

[buckeye]

I haven't posted in some time . Didn't feel qualified to be passing out advice. I was married for 26 years, my ex w decided she no longer wanted to be married. I have LC (kids). I tried the exercise, new hobby, and renewing old interests. I even signed up on an online dating site. No dates. Was interested in one she wasn't. I've been contacted by a few but there was no spark for me.

 

Earlier this summer, I learned my ex w has a new boyfriend. I even ran into them once. At the time I didn't feel much, but later, it hit me hard. I'm sinking further and further down.

 

I don't want to go on with the loneliness, the regret, the pain. I'm not going to do anything crazy, I just hope and pray this life won't last too much longer. I don't have anything to live for. I don't want to end up an old man dying alone. My kids are grown, they'll get over it as I did when my dad passed.

 

I've lost everything. She won the battle of who could hurt the other more.

[richyc]

I am in a similar position although a long way behind yourself.

 

After 15 years she moved to her mothers having given me the "not in love with you anymore, want more out of life speech".

 

She wants to move on and I know she does in spite of her doubts. Whilst there is hope I want to wait for her.

 

Trouble is I know that if I have not moved on by the time she gets serious with another man then it will devastate me and I wont be able to move on for a long time if at all.

 

My daughter is 7 which makes it all the more difficult and painful tbh because the thought of her living with her mother in another house with a new man is more than I can bear.

 

I am not where you are yet so not qualified to give advice, I am going to have to face it sometime in the future, but I do know what must be done - forget her, stop dwelling on the past and torturing yourself - move on and enjoy the rest of your life

[richyc]

Found this and it made me feel better http://www.webwombat.com.au/lifestyle/relationships/marriage-split-meeting-new-people.htm

 

ggod luck

[2.50 a gallon]

Buckeye

 

I too was once in your shoes, in fact after my divorce I was determined to never fall in love again, as I just could not trust any woman. I held out for 15 years.

 

But that did not mean that I didn't date.

 

I am guessing you are somewhere around the 50 year mark. You still have a lot of living to do. Just do it.

 

OK so you can meet women with on line dating, but why not when you are out and about shopping?

 

I am retired, and still have women hit on me, and some of them are a good 30 years younger than me.

 

An I am not good looking, more like short, with a white beard, think Smurf without the blue. And I am not rich, in fact live off of a fixed income.

 

Wo what do I have? My attitude. I like life and live it.

 

I talk to the cashiers in the check out line. They get to know me, some of them are single too. I even had one 30 something English gal who used to tell me off color jokes every time I got in her line. And invited me over several times to her place as she wanted to cook me something called Bangers, and would then say "You getting any ideas?"

 

We men tend to judge women by their looks. Women on the other hand judge men by their character and attitude. They naturally gravitate towards men who are positive on life and are happy.

 

Each and every morning when you wake be greatful, never forget that somebody did not wake up and they would gladly trade places with you no matter how bad things are in your life.

 

Think along the lines of Girls just want to have fun. Dinner and movies is the norm. Think out of the box, take them fishing, to the races, tractor pulls, monster trucks, kite flying, to check out the fall colors.

 

Can you dance? Learn! Try salsa and even ballroom

 

Can you cook? Teach yourself how to cook some gourmet meals for the day you do get back into dating. Plan now for the future.

 

Do you decorate for the holidays? Bet not, try it.

 

Do you still have your motorcycle?

[buckeye]

Thanks for the response guys. I appreciate it. I'm pushing 57. I don't go to the bars much. I don't think the prospects would be that great anyway. I have 2 good pals. They call and get me out of the apartment, which I really appreciate.

 

I mainly spend time at home playing guitar and beginning to do some writing and recording. I do still have the motorcycle and am planning on riding this weekend. I mainly ride alone. It's therapeutic.

 

I live in a small town. Not much to do. I haven't met any one yet, although one of my buddies points out a few single ladies. I don't know if it's because I'm not over my ex, but I just am not interested. I signed up for an online dating site, but as I stated, no dates yet. I've considered taking my profile down. Besides, with child support, I don't have a lot of funds for dating.

 

Somehow, I must try to focus on the positives of the divorce, mainly, I don't have the stress from the constant fighting. I do miss the family functions the most.

 

Again, thank you for your replies. I hope some day I will have gained the knowledge to help people going through this pain.

[worlybear]

Can't add much to the advice already posted.... just hugs:bunny::bunny:

[Steadfast]

You've received good advice Buckeye, but with all due respect you won't improve your condition by adding objects or even another person to your life. That's treating the outside. To truly appreciate life again, you must heal inside. Deep down I think you know this. Otherwise, why post at all?

 

In my opinion, more needs to be said about the 'competitive' aspect of relationships. When my wife (17-years, two kids) left to be with other men, the pain of being left behind was strong. Along with the disappointment, fear and sense of abandonment, I had the overwhelming urge to 'get even'. I felt way behind on the score, I felt out of the two of us, she was the more appealing and she was proving it, increasing my feeling of loss. When my first attempts to 'shop myself' failed I felt even worse. Dark, lonely days.

 

When you do meet someone and step out you'll feel better, but it's only temporary. The issues inside remain and you end up missing her even more. Why? Because your heart isn't ready. You love someone else. You didn't say how long ago you and your wife split, but whatever the time is, it isn't enough. You can't rush it. You must do the work and it isn't a short process. This is why so many will advise that we love ourselves. We must.

 

My advice to you is to start by letting her off the hook. Let it go. You'll never forget the pain, but allowing it to hold you captive will counteract any attempt you make to move on and enjoy life's passions. You can eliminate the feeling of 'competitive love' by showing her kindness. Humble yourself, acknowledge your role in the demise of your marriage and take steps to show her you're not interested in punishing, or being punished. If the chance comes, sincerely tell her you're sorry and that you miss her. We can only heal and move on if we're honest with ourselves and others.

 

Work on that. Replace the loneliness and longing with kindness and a forgiving nature. While you are doing that, look deep inside for what it is you'd really like to see happen. Be realistic, but remain hopeful. Often times we have to fake it at first, but in time the practice becomes habit.

 

Keep posting. Caring friends are a must. You have a voice, use it.

[buckeye]

Thank you Steadfast, you are a wise soul. I was told to get out 2 years ago this November. The final papers were signed a year ago July.

 

I agree objects or a person can not heal. I hadn't considered finding someone to spend time with as competitive, but you may be right. I fear you are correct in saying a date would only end up leaving me feeling worse. I think I'm going to remove my profile for now.

 

I know that I must forgive myself as well as her to heal and move on. This has been very difficult. I'm not sure which is harder actually. I guess there's plenty to forgive in both parties.

 

I think the song Heart of the Matter by Don Henley sums it up best.

 

Again, thank you all for your kind advice. I hope someday I can return the favor.

[2.50 a gallon]

Buckeye

 

Until you feel that you are ready to start seeing someone again, just practise being friendly, you will be surprised at the results.

 

I got my attitude from a co-worker years ago. He was much older and for years everybody knew him as one of the most unpleasent grumpiest people they had ever met. Nothing made him happy, things got worse when his wife finally had enough and walked out on him, his divorce only made matters worse.

 

Then he had a serious heart attack and barely pulled through. Months later when he returned to work he was a new man with a totally new attitude. Not only did he now say good morning, but you could feel that he meant it. From then on for him Life was wonderful, and people just gravitated to him. What surprized me the most was the reaction of women toward him, they all wanted to joke and talk with him, and it wasn't long before he had found himself a much younger replacement for his Ex-Wife

 

I know there are times can get you down and it seems like every day you have to eat another sh*t sandwich, try to think positive by remembering that you are fortunate enough to live in the most wonderful country through out the history of the world. And even if you are just getting by on minimum wage, most of the citizens of the world would gladly trade places with you.

 

In short count your blessings such as your motorcycle rather than what you don't have

[Diogenes]

I'm much in the same position as you, 56, but with two kids still at home ( didn't marry until I was almost 34). My wife left after 24 years and the first three months were hell, but I forced my self to go to very free event I could find, Arts shows, fundraisers, concerts in the park.

 

I made it a point to use something I was told by an old Gypsy who used to work for my uncle when I was about 8 years old. It had sat in the back of my memory all these years waiting to come out. For what it's worth , here it is:

 

When I was a child my father used to take me with him on some business calls, he had regular dealings with my uncle whose shop employed about six people.

One of these employee's was an old Gypsy who used to tease me all the time by asking " do you have a girlfriend?" I'd always get defensive and say " No, I'm only 8"

He'd then say " Do you want a girlfriend", I'd say "yes". He'd then reply, "It's very easy to find a girlfriend, you go anywhere there are pretty girls, even at a bus stop

and ask them if they want to go home with you". I'd retort, "But they'd slap my face!" and he'd say "yes maybe 8 or 9 out of ten will slap your face, but one will smile,

laugh at your boldness and say yes"

 

What this parable meant to me was to actively engage with everyone around me, boldly start conversations with members of the opposite sex, make their day and make them smile.

I don't have to start a relationship with any of them, get their email/numbers etc, I just charm, flirt a bit and go on with my life. I've been doing this everywhere I go and it has

helped me immensely. I still grieve for my wife ( the way she was) and our marriage, but it's not near as bad now, others find me attractive, intelligent, fun to be around and tell me

my wife's a fool to have left.

 

I can see now that there is nothing wrong with me, nothing excuses a mate's infidelity, my wife made the choice not to fight for our marriage months before she physically left, plotted and planned it like a miltary campaign. Yes it will hurt for a while yet, but at some point one of these ladies I meet is going to make my heart go "Ping" again and I'll know I'm ready to finally let it go.

[buckeye]

Thanks guys.While I really do try to at least on the outside remain upbeat, I'm thinking I should remove my profile from the dating site. I guess as much as I think I'd like to meet someone, I'm just not ready.

 

I am grateful for what I have left and for where I live and for having a job. At times I do get low thinking about all I did lose in this whole thing. It's tough going back to the life style of an 18 year old just starting out.

 

It's been 29 years since I've asked a girl out. I don't have the confidence I once had. I don't have much to offer. I now live in an apartment, drive an old truck, and have very little money. Sometimes I find myself thinking I don't need the head games. I do get very lonely, but I think perhaps it's better to remain single.

 

It's hard to see her having a great time and benefiting from my hard work for all those years. The only consolation is that my daughters have a nice place and hopefully, if their mother doesn't blow it, a nice nest egg for the future.

[2.50 a gallon]

Buckeye

 

What do you mean you don't have much to offer?

 

You play a guitar, write and record

 

Do you know that playing a guitar is one of the sexiest things a man can do?

 

It is right up there with driving formula cars and bull fighting.

 

And you own and ride a motorcycle

 

You are way ahead of the game.

[2.50 a gallon]

Buckeye

 

Diogenes makes a good point, in that there are women every where

 

In the past I was a player, part of my success was that I liked women and also studied them, I figured out all kinds of ways to meet them.

 

Example, at times grocery stores would have special promotions, like for every $10 you spend they give you a sticker to put on a sheet, 25 stickers and you get a free frying pan or small pot, 50 stickers a bigger pot. You get the idea.

 

I took all the stickers I could get, just for the time that I met somebody who might really want them. Twice it paid off

 

Also my remark about being friendly with people, like cashiers, and when you get a chance just talk with them, find something in common with them. Do they have a dog, cats, do they like sports, what team, if they are divorced do they have kids, etc. Act like you are interested.

 

The pay off might never happen, but then again there have been times when I went out to a club and there was one of them with their girl friends, and you already have something in common. How is Banzai 9her much loved cat) doing?

 

That is another thing, learn to like cats.

[buckeye]

Hmm... I never thought about playing guitar as sexy, at least not at my level, I'm no James Taylor. lol I'd love a Formula Car, no thanks on the bull fighting!

 

I do ride, mostly by myself. I joined the local Harley Owners Group, but it seemed when they had a ride scheduled, I had my daughter for the weekend. Maybe next season.

 

My ex & daughters had cats. I don't mind them, but I'm more of a dog guy, just not in an apartment.

 

As I said earlier, I live in a small town. Not many prospects, but who knows.

[reboot]

You don't have to have a woman to live a full life.

[ThreeLegDog]

You don't have to have a woman to live a full life.

 

Hear, hear!

[2.50 a gallon]

Buckeye

 

Another thing I think I should point out is that you will no longer be dating high school girls. Most of the available women in your age bracket are probably divorced and likely to have kids

 

In many case they will have life stories similar to yours, they have been thru a time of bull sh*t.

 

True you will still find some gold diggers and some still wanting to play mind games, but my experience has been that the vast majority of them are just like you, afraid of getting into another relationship, but at the same time they are wanting to find somebody to share their lives with. They get lonely too

 

Yes, it would be nice if you could afford to take them out to a five star restaurant, but quite often they would be just as happy coming over for a Bar-B-Q and with the money saved, use it to take them and their kids to a water park, so something similar.

 

A few years after my divorce I met a could have been, hot divorced lady with a couple of kids in elementary school. Her thing was her kids, and most guys just didn't get it. They would try to woo her with fancy dinner dates and a movie, etc., and usually by the third date she was no longer interested.

 

We got along great, and they were all cheap dates, she would bring her brood to my place, as I lived in an apartment with a pool, in the spring I taught her kids how to fly kites, and later how to fish, I played catch with the boy, and did lots of fatherly things her Ex refused to do. Another date was a family thing at the local library to sign the kids up for library cards, she was unaware that she could check out hundreds to video tapes for free.

 

Another thing we men don't seem to understand, is that the kids come first. Yes she might fall totally in love with you, but her kids will always come first. If they don't like you are dead meat.

[buckeye]

"her kids will always come first. If they don't like you are dead meat"

I saw that 1st hand with my Mom & her 2nd husband. My youngest brother & he argued constantly. The marriage didn't last long.

 

"you will no longer be dating high school girls"

Yep, I guess there are pros & cons to that. I took my profile down from the dating site. The ones that contacted me, well, I'm not saying I'm ultra hot or anything, but I'm sorry, aside from one, there wasn't one that I found attractive. I don't know why. They are probably very nice, and maybe I'm wrong, but I think there should be some sort of spark.

I doubt that I'll be dating for some time & I really doubt that I'll be dating a woman who has young kids. I'll be 57 tomorrow.

 

I guess I'm not ready for this. Perhaps I never will be. I certainly miss the touch of a woman, I miss being in love. I don't miss the fighting, the stress, the betrayal. I miss the girl I fell in love with and she doesn't exist anymore.

 

I have to learn how to be happy again. I have to teach myself not to think of her daily. I'm going to have to face the fact that I may end up alone.

[2.50 a gallon]

Buckeye

 

I hear what you are saying about afraid of being alone. I have had both ways several times in my life, and can now see that there are advantages to each.

 

I didn't marry until I was about 34 years old, and most of that time I lived alone and got used to it, in fact enjoyed it. I had a short stint of a couple of years with the Ex-fiance, an then it was about 3 years later before I met my Ex. She moved in almost immediately, and we lived together for a several years before we made it official.

 

Six months later I caught her kissing an OM, and the marriage was over, and I fell into the bottomless pit of almost nothingness. I was sure that I could never be happy again, in fact the question that I had was would I ever even laugh again

 

And the worst part was that I had gotten used to living with her, and the thought of living alone only deepened by despair. I had to find something to get my mind off of the break up of my marriage. The way I looked at it was that every second that I din't think about us was a victory, and I needed to find the seconds into minutes and the minutes into hours, and so forth.

 

When I was living with her I had had to curtail my hobby times, and now I was free to do what ever I liked, whenever I liked and as long as I liked. That gave me some comfort.

 

And then I hit upon that this is the start of a new life, and I could follow new interests. A co-worker introduced me to orchid growing, that bombed, as I didn't have the patience. Most of my adult life I had had a fish tank or two, I had found that most women enjoyed at times, just sitting back and watching fish swim, with maybe a glass of wine. So it was an easy transition, when another co-worker introduced me into keeping and breeding rare and hard to raise tropical fish. Not only did I have to collect the young, but they also need special foods of cultures that I had to grow and maintain myself. That took a lot of time.

 

Having lived alone for so long I had long ago learned to cook for myself, so why not teach myself how to cook some gourmet meals? Again, it took time to prepare, then I was rewarded with and excellent meal, and not only that I was a skill that paid off in the dating scene.

 

So look at it this way, you are free to follow any new interest that you might have, be it gourmet cooking, dancing, building models, like RC cars, boats, airplanes, tropical fish, snakes, reptiles, that is what I would like to have some lizards and poison dart frogs. They are rightly named, in South America the secretions from their skin is used to provide the poison for the darts. The neat thing about them is that in order to ward off and warn preditors, they are very brightly colored

 

Just find something that you have always wanted to do and get busy, like I said, the seconds turn into minutes, and the minutes turn into hours.

Edited October 14, 2011 by 2.50 a gallon

[buckeye]

2.50,

 

I was 6 months shy of 30 when I married. Before I met my exW, I had in a couple of long term relationships (a year or more). Both ended badly and I had commitment problems in one. She all but begged me for a ring, but I just couldn't/wouldn't do it. She eventually left. I don't blame her. It took me about 3 years to get over her. I sometimes wonder what my life would have been if I had married her, but as they say, if if & buts were candy & nuts, we'd have Christmas every day.

 

I have taken up an old passion; music. I love to work in and around the recording side. I have been writing a little and recording.

[buckeye]

For now there is a hole in my life that as hard as I try, nothing can fill. I know the one I miss no longer is real. There is no going back. Certain things, a song, a place, a memory just bring a flood of pain that washes over me. I have been sinking deeper and deeper. It's my birthday and I will be spending it alone. I'm now 57. My dad died at 57. And while I won't do anything stupid or selfish, I'm not interested in growing to be a lonely old man. I sometimes pray for God to take me.

[2.50 a gallon]

Buckeye

 

I know it is hard, but try to find ways to fight back, find things in life to be greatful for and to enjoy. It is something that you can train yourself to work on.

 

Look for simple things, such as the feel of the sun on your face, or the blue color of the sky at sunrise, or the sounds of birds singing, chocolate cake, McDonald's French Fries, the football season, the coming World Series, good music, especially some of the old rock and roll hits, such as the recordings of Fleetwood Mac. Not only do I like most of the lyrics, but I really enjoy how they developed the instrumental parts, how out of the blue the guitar comes in and takes over for a few seconds, it amazes me how anybody could figure all of that out. It is almost like classical symphany music.

 

Think of what Beethoven and Mozart missed by living two hundred years ago. Just think of what either of them would have given to have had electric guitars and keyboards to play with.

 

Or what Einstein, Newton, Galelio would have given to see the Hubble photographs

 

Rejoice that you live in a world where you can think freely, and write and record any kind of music you like, without the govenment or the church telling you that it is OK

 

Rejoice that you can ride a motorcycle, drive a car, go for a walk in the park. You can do these simple things, and there are so many in the world that can not.

 

My personal suggestion is that you celebrate tonight by taking a spin on you scooter and treating yourself to a double dipper ice cream cone, maybe go for a walk doing some window shopping, or what ever, and remind yourself of how many would love to be in your shoes.

 

And keep the thought in the back of your head, that this will get better. Trust me, as one who has been in your shoes, it does get better

[joseph17]

Dating other women does not mean being with that woman or even sleeping with them. Go out on dates get out there and make yourself known.The more people you can have surrounding you the better off you will be. Sitting at home and thinking about everything will only drive you crazy. I know how you feel after my divorce you don't know how to act. Everything is different and doesn't feel right. You where so used to being married and being a father that once that is gone you are left empty. I bounced out of this honestly by dating other women and working on myself. I read and watched some self help videos and books which taught me a lot about me. And then when you start dating you are not so insecure about yourself. Oh and there are so many online dating sites maybe you should try some other sites to see what happens.

Good luck and you will get through this.

[ThreeLegDog]

For now there is a hole in my life that as hard as I try, nothing can fill. I know the one I miss no longer is real. There is no going back. Certain things, a song, a place, a memory just bring a flood of pain that washes over me. I have been sinking deeper and deeper. It's my birthday and I will be spending it alone. I'm now 57. My dad died at 57. And while I won't do anything stupid or selfish, I'm not interested in growing to be a lonely old man. I sometimes pray for God to take me.

 

The "Getting Past Your Breakup" book is helping me out quite a bit with my situation. It's showing me that there is light at the end of this long tunnel.

[2.50 a gallon]

Buckeye

 

The memory things is called triggers.

 

In the beginning I found it best to try to avoid them by shopping in new stores, or eating at a new deli.

 

Photos I boxed up and later threw most of them away, alas I now which I had kept a few

 

Later when I was stronger, I began to confront them head on and reclaim places, events, songs as my own.

 

She moved out and I was stuck for a couple of months living in our old apartment, as soon as the lease was up I moved. But, this time I chose a large complex with mostly singles. Making new friends reallyh helped me a lot

 

My biggest problem was the holidays. First we were married at that time so it would have been our first anniversary

 

I learned early in my bachelorhood that women liked a man who celebrated Christmas. When I first moved out on my own, Christmas wasn't all that big of a deal. Then I noticed that my buddies and I would meet and get into relationships, we would make it thru the holidays and like clock work they would break it off just before the super bowl.

 

None of us ever put up a tree or did anything special, that is until my GF would not be denied, bought and put up a tree for us. Come super bowl my buddies are dumped, but my lady is still around. Lesson learned, put up a tree and the lady lasts past the super bowl.

 

So from that year on I was big on celebrating. Even though I lived in an apartment, I found ways to hang lights and decorated the windows. Decorating for the holidays is like you are putting up a big neon sign that says the guy that lives here is a fun guy and not a bah humbug

 

Well my ex took decorating to an even higher level with our first Christmas, as when we went to decorate our first tree she came out of the bedroom wearing this black see thru outfit, with heels, and lace stockings. She was foldout material to begin with, and o wow, I mostly sat back and sipped a mixed drink while she decorated the tree, which involved lots of her bending over and leaning into the tree. My thought at at the time was Hefner eat your heart out. That was a tradition that lasted for 3 years.

 

Sio I had a double whammy I had to find a way to beat.

 

Luckily, when I unpacked some of the old lights I found some cookie cutters from my childhood that my mom had given us, but we had never used. Which gave me the idea to bake and decorate some cookies. I spent a whole weekend decorating them, even took a toothpick to give Santa blue eyes.

 

As it turned out the cookies were a hit with my female neighbors, and before the holiday arrived I baked a couple of more batches, with helpers, including the hottest lady in the complex who also brought some wine. Around Thanksgiving of the next year, that same hotty asked me when are we baking cookies this year.

 

Who would have ever thought that something child like would be such a hit?

 

Needless to say I was able to reclaim the holidays for my own and the tradition has been kept up for over 30 years.

Edited October 15, 2011 by 2.50 a gallon