My husband has just fallen in love with another woman. Shall I give him time?

[lovesucks]

I met husband almost 14 years ago and we have been married for almost 3 years. Recently he met this woman at work whom he has fallen madly in love with since a month and a half ago. He confessed to me about his affair 2 weeks ago because of his guilt. He has also confronted me with all the issues that we have had over the years, including lack of communication, emotional support and affection, the things that he needed from me but claimed that he didn't get from me, are the results of him fallen in love with another woman. He said this woman has brought him a complete new, different feeling that he has never experienced with anyone before. Though he told me he still loves me deeply and I know he is not lying because I can still feel it, but he said he loves her very much, his feeling for her is very intense that he can't control himself or stop seeing her. We have discussed about our problems a lot lately and have come to identify the ways of how to save our marriage if we stay together. He is asking me to give time some time - to get to know this woman better as a person so he will find out if she really is THE ONE that he may have been searching for many years. But he is not sure because although he loves her very much, he doesn't know her too well so he is not sure. At the same time, he still loves me and he is relactant to let me go because he said he believes there could be a better future for us if we both made the effort to overcome our problems we have had for years. I love my husband and I want to save our marriage by working out the problems with him so I told him I would give him 2 months but he has got to make a decision by then. I also want to use this time to show him my love and my determination to save our marriage. But am I crazy to do this? I am afraid that he will only fall more and more for this woman and won't be able to come back. Going through this period of time has been very difficult to me but I am being extremely patient but sometime I really can't fight these moments of wanting to leave him and let them do whatever they want. What should I do? Shall I be giving him the time? Am I right to do this? Or shall I leave? This woman is divorced with a kid (but the kid lives with his father) and was involved with another married man before she is involved with my husband, knowing that he is already married. Can this be really love-struck or is she looking for something else (if it’s not about money)? I need desparate help.

 

lovesucks

[bluechocolate]

Your husband had an affair and then justified it to you by pointing out all of the problems in your relationship. I'm willing to be that most of those problems centered around things that were wrong with you. Am I right? Poor man was driven into the arms of this woman. There are a few women on this forum that can tell you all about husbands like this.

 

You are absolutely crazy to allow him to continue his adultery while he figures out which woman is right for him. The two of you are not going to overcome any problems while he is having an affair. If your marriage is going to work and if he is sincere about his love for you then he has to stop immediately. You can't rebuild a marriage when there's a third party involved like this.

 

Tell him to end the affair now and attend some marriage counselling with you right away. If he is not prepared to do that then I'm afraid your marriage is over.

[shortbus74]

You would be crazy to let him contuine this affair in any way, shape or form. It is not fair to your personal well being to "play house with him" and also let him have another life going on that does not include you.

 

 

It is always easy to point fingers when you get caught doing something you know is wrong. Everyone has relationship problems but it was not fair of him to try to place blame on you.

If he felt this way he should have come to you first instead of seeking solace with another woman.

Good luck and I really wish you the best on working thru this......

[Bubbles]

Your "husband" is a PIG! I cannot beleive the nerve of him to even ask you to give him some time to figure out if he wants to be with her or with you and you are silly enough to take that kind of statement!

 

I would have punched him right in the mouth - where the crap is coming from! Does this guy think that he can have his cake and eat it too?

 

Noooooooo Way! OUT HE GOES! WORTHLESS PIECE OF TRASH!

 

Do you even realize that you just told him to go ahead and have sex with this girl for two months........and then you will wait for him to come home? Boy he must have you convinced that you are worthless or something.

 

I have a newsflash! You have worth and you have value! You are a human being with emotions not a piece of carpet that he can walk on!

 

 

You tell this DOG to hit the road!!!

 

Bubbles

[cowgirl]

Your husband is sooo selfish to ask you to wait for him to work out who and what he wants for the next 2 months. If he loves you as he say's he still does than he shouldn't ask you to do that. I wonder if he's told this other women the same thing, "OH BY THE WAY, MY WIFE'S GIVING ME 2 MONTHS TO WORK OUT IF I REALLY LOVE YOU AS WELL AS HER" .

 

Look, Ive been an OW before and absolutely NO good can come from a married man except alot of hurt. I made the decision not that long ago to get out, I think I finally woke up to myself a bit. If he's only been seeing this OW not that long than of course it's going to feel to him as a new romance and exciting but the novelty will wear off. She'll eventually get sick of being the OW, if she's got any brain to see that is all she is.

 

I agree with the people above that if he's serious about saving your marriage than number 3 (ow) has got to go. You can't have 3 people in a marriage. I was curious also as to whether you have children with this man??

I hope you get through this, dont give him time to be with this woman. If he want's this ow than maybe you have to start to make some decisions for the both of you and get out..

 

Hope things get better.

Cheers

Kell.

[lovesucks]

No, we don't have any children. In fact, before finding out about the affair, I was ready to start a family with my husband.

 

And yes, he did also tell the woman that he is giving their relationship 2 months. The worst thing is, his love for her so far has only involved very intense emotions and feelings, there hasn't been any sex involved because he said they are holding it (knowing that they are involved in an affair that may not last). He said to me that in the past 7 years he was the one to give and felt that he never received anything from me. ( I know this has a lot to do with our lack of communication and openess between us which will be the major problem to deal with if we get back together. ) He makes me feel that I owe it all to him. He said that he did his best during the past 7 years and he stayed with me because he loved me. But now with this woman he told me that he can "breath again".

[bluechocolate]

If you choose to believe that he's not having sex with this woman, fine, but don't kid yourself that he is being faithful to you.

 

Whatever his reasons are for hooking up with this other woman they do not justify his behaviour if it is his wish to rebuild your marriage. And I'll say it again, that is not going to happen if this woman is still in the picture. You have issues to work on, then get a committment from him to help the both of you save your marriage, tell him to stop this affair immediately and get yourselves to a marriage counsellor.

 

Otherwise start talking to a lawyer.

[zarathustra]

He is asking me to give time some time - to get to know this woman better as a person so he will find out if she really is THE ONE that he may have been searching for many years. But he is not sure because although he loves her very much, he doesn't know her too well so he is not sure. At the same time, he still loves me and he is relactant to let me go because he said he believes there could be a better future for us if we both made the effort to overcome our problems we have had for years. I love my husband and I want to save our marriage by working out the problems with him so I told him I would give him 2 months but he has got to make a decision by then. I also want to use this time to show him my love and my determination to save our marriage. But am I crazy to do this? I am afraid that he will only fall more and more for this woman and won't be able to come back.

 

 

No, you're not crazy to want to save your marriage. This OW has your husband in her love grip, now. They work together and are now most likely in the fevered grip of some hormonal frenzy. However misguided or wrong, they are in love or lust (at least for now).

 

Although your husband is most likely blame shifting to minimize his own bad behavior, there may still be legitimate marital grievances. The problem is how does one change the fundamentals of a 7 year relationship, in just 2 months, while one of the partners is head-over-heels in love and lust with someone else. It ain't going to happen.

 

If your husband elects to stay with you, and I suspect he will, he'll almost certainly continue the emotional and eventually sexual relationship with the OW. By doing that, he retains the legitimacy of being married and gets a huge sexual high out of the affair.

 

This decision is really not his to make, it's yours. You can opt to ride out this fledgeling affair--ie, share your husband at least temporarily with another woman--or wish him luck and get the hell out of Dodge.

 

The choice is yours, my lady.

[spencer]

start dating stat.

let him know you will take this time to play the field also ...since its ok with him apparently.

go from here, dont put too much hope into a future with him.

 

sorry, good luck & lots of strenght to you.

[shortbus74]

My ex and I were trying to have a baby when I found out he cheated on me... That was so depressing and hurtful! I feel for you.....

 

Give him a ultimatium (sorry for spelling...tired) either end it or get the hell out....

He is expecting way too much from you....

 

As mean as this sounds, sometimes it is better to just walk away and start dealing with the pain now than prolong it more than you really should.....Then you get the nagging and looming questions within yourself if the situation does not turn out the way you hoped it would. ( could I have done things better? is it my fault)

Hope this helps you in some way...............

[winterwonderland]

I guess for me it would be no second chance ever. If they are old enough to be an adult and have sex they should be old enough to know what is right and what is wrong. I really don't care what is going on at home. If you want your marriage you fix it or get out. Walking into the arms of another doesn't solve anything.

[Yadda39]

First, he's not "In Love" with her. That takes a little more than a month...in my opinion. He's "in Lust" with her. Big difference. The difference is Lust turns to Dust.

 

Give him time....but I would not let him spend the next 2 months in my bed while he decides. I'd tell him to move out... look around and see if there is anything he wants...and if not...then maybe you will be there when he decides.. and maybe you wont.

 

Affairs have a way of killing all feeling you have for someone. It may take time.. could take a few years.. a slow and painful dead.. but usually all your feelings for him die. Mine did over a 2 year period..... he had an affair.. I let him stay. I had been married for 18 years and had 2 children. I got married at 16 so he was pretty much my life. After his affair.. I litterly begged him not to leave. He didn't...but 2 years later I found myself just feeling numb. I never looked at him the same way again. Never. I told him I wanted a divorce. He had no idea why... after all 2 years has passed. It was all in the past he said... Not for me.. It was eating away at my heart everyday of my life.. I got out while I had enough heart left to keep me alive.

 

Just be careful here. What you feel for this man right now may not be what you feel for him down the road. It's not his feeling for you that will end this marriage.. it will be your lack of feelings for him in the long run that will.

 

Good luck with this.. and trust me. I know the nightmare you are going through. You do eventually wake from it.. and you do survive. I've been divorced for 6 years now and have never been more complete and happy in my life. I feel strong and know how I will be treated by someone and how I wont.

 

as Solomon said " Out of the house of pain.. is born wisdom" truer words have never been spoken.

[Turpinsgirl]

Funny, a similar thing happened to my husband and I after we'd been married 12 years - except I was the one who had the affair with a co-worker. I felt I was at my lowest point in life, the guy was really unusual and conversations with him really piqued my curiosity about my own self-discovery at a time when I was feeling stagnant and ineffectual in life. I also blamed my husband for a lot of my problems, mainly because our communication had deteriorated over time and I didn't know how to fix anything, even myself. I was too afraid to confess to my husband that I'd had the affair, and thought things would just blow over in time. This was the most disrespectful thing I could have done to him. I loved him, but that didn't do much to quell my obsession with this guy - I really tried and even went to counselling to sort out my head while it was going on.

You need to ask yourself, are you living a fantasy marriage, or did you also marry your husband because he was your best friend? I actually have a lot of respect for him for telling you about this - that tells me he respects your friendship between you - honesty makes all the difference. Sometimes we can't always see what's coming at us in life - we may think we know ourselves, then something happens and we make choices that seem to blow our integrity out of the water.

In turn, respect your husband's fortitude for coming to you about this - he is appealing to you as his friend - and though it will be extremely difficult, give him some time. I suspect he doesn't understand why this is happening either and feels overwhelmed by it. It seems wierd to say give your husband permission to have an affair, but if he had hidden it longer and you remained together, that would cause problems, and by telling you, he took a risk that you would leave him on the spot. Anger on your part will only push him further away as well - think of it this way, let him ride out the storm. When my husband found out, we tried 3 years to salvage our relationship - we never really got down to the bottom of why it happened - he was too caught up in the details - and as much as I loved him, he wouldn't allow me to forget it, and wouldn't give himself peace about it - and I took the brunt of his anger all that time until I said enough and actually left.

Marriages are so funny - you devote yourself to someone else because you love them - but somehow that makes them your property, and if they act in ways out of accordance with that, its a problem. I'm not talking about someone screwing around all the time, but an incident like this? I'd say give him as much time as he needs. You're afraid of losing him? Well don't help him - take the pressure off - let this wear itself out, give him as much time as he needs. This could be a good time to explore yourself as well (not neccessarily another relationship) but do some things for yourself that will broaden your view of yourself, things you liked to do, but never thought of doing for yourself before.

If your husband decides to go, then sadly, you have moved in different directions. But right now, there is an opportunity for you both to find yourselves, and later bring that back to the relationship, the things you have learned. What he needs is a friend right now, not an angry wife - it may not be so hard if you're out there occupying yourself. Seek counselling as well to find out where things are really amiss. I realize now that I was falling short in many areas of the relationship as well although I blamed it all on him. I painted myself into a corner so to speak... Not until I had someone who'd talk to me did I figure that out.

[lovesucks]

Hi everyone, I thank you for all your support and advise. It has been helpful and I feel that I am not alone.

 

I asked my husband to make a choice between her or me. But after days of frustration and discussions with my husband in the past week, my husband has told me that he is unable to make a choice at this moment because he still doesn’t know what he wants. He doesn’t want to make a decision that he will regret later. He said he is seriously in love with 2 women at the same time but differently. He has an impression that this girl could bring him a different kind of lifetime happiness but he also doesn’t deny that I could also give him the same thing in a different way. I did try to ask him to make a choice but he is unable to do it at this point. For his sake and our sake, he has agreed to slow down with her which will allow him to see things clearer (he suggested to slow down, not me) as he is aware that what he feels right now could be just passion, lust, not love. He wants to be convinced by facts and time, rather than jumping straight to the conclusion without reasoning. I figured that there is no point to push him for a decision when he is not ready for it. That would mean, even though he comes back to me physically, his heart is still probably somewhere else, wonders what if.....he had gotten to know this woman better and if she is THE ONE, he would have missed out his ultimate lifetime happiness that this woman could have brought him.

 

So I have decided, if he wants to come back, it has to come from his heart. I am going to stretch my limit and put up with this as long as I can, I don’t know how long this may be. It’s not easy at all for me so probably my patience may not very long but I will try (2-3 months). He will try to see her less than before to see if the feeling will wear itself out and at the same time he will try to spend more time with me to try to make things better. He does not guarantee he will eventually come back but at least he would have tried, and I would have tried. And if one day I walk out of this marriage, I think I will be able to say to myself , “ I would have done my best and I have no regrets.”

 

I welcome any advise you may have on this. Thank you in advance.

 

Lovesucks

[1 or knot?]

lThat sweeetie says it all... ZYES !!! You know I have remained the stronger of the two women! This 'love affair' that 'captured your attn. is the ONE you fell for!!! This poor other, is trying her best to steal all the years of my 'looking and deserving' YOU! Good luck to her I say, she'll need it. Me on the other hand...

[maybe that's her problem ~ he he he!!!]

 

The doors opened to me lately are ever so enticing. Don't pay attention to that 'other'. She always has had her way. Bsides, I was there before her, don't you agree? I have told myself the joining of the minds would/should work to get her. She doesn't realize that two minds are better than one! Is thata sick mind? MMmmmm, maybe with the fortitude, she doesn't have too give in all the way. But I'm game! I love this.

 

Here's looking at you kid!

[VivianLee]

As romantic and dramatic as all this sounds...it's nothing but a mind game!!

 

I've been right where you are....

 

 

I don't care what anyone says when someone is having an affair but won't leave their spouse, all they are about is having their cake and eating it too.

 

In my case, my husband took the things I knew I had failed him in our marriage and mind f*** me into believing it WAS ALL MY FAULT....I apologized to him the whole time he confessed, that's how much he'd messed with my head.....he wanted to be with this person but our religion would damn his soul to hell. He was kinda stuck between a rock well and HELL....I was so worried he'd go to her (she'd been married 3 times and had 4 kids plus lived several states away) and take my daughter that I begged him to stay. Plus, I did love him and didn't want to lose him.

 

I told him if he'd break it off, that I'd work it out with him....I thought I had the ball in my park...however, he ended up getting a month to break it off, left me to live in another town (I didn't have a car or a phone), he told me what I needed to do to change....

 

I was so broken down that I allowed this (I'm normally a very highstrung in control person).....

 

The affair ended in a month, we got back together after 5 months of separation. I changed into what he wanted and a good bit of the change was something I needed to do and was for the better.

 

BUT I never asked for what I needed to in the marriage all these years and I'M VERY BITTER at how he played me and still doesn't love me or want me like he did her.....

 

Listen Gal!! He is the one that is wrong. You aren't perfect but you didn't cheat. He is saying that he is happy with ANOTHER WOMAN!! You don't have a marriage, you live with a selfish love struck teenager that needs to grow up and get his act together. (By the way, I don't believe for one minute they haven't had sex! I'm sorry)....

 

It's still your right to continue this way and try and make the marriage work. I just hope you don't wake up one day and realize that he got to have his cake and eat it too while you got nothing but your heartbroken....if I were you, I'd bring him to reality QUICKLY!! I wonder what he'd do if you took the initiative to say; "Okay, while you decide who your true love is, I'm going to go out and see if the grass is perhaps greener too!" Maybe you will find someone that loves just you and you only....wouldn't that be nice!!???

 

Please think about yourself, you don't have a child to worry about so you can go straight into self-preservation mode!!

 

Take care!