jayinblue Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 Hi All, Its been a while since I posted, but thought I'd drop a line and see what thoughts come up. The short version is my wife and I drifted apart for many years (no physical relationship for years, and trouble talking about big problems), I screwed up big time and had a 5mnth affair with someone my wife knows. Due to all the fighting and a small child, I moved out in December 2010. Tried to end the affair in Jan, completely ended it in March. We've now been separated for 9 months. She wanted to stay together and told me to end it, and briefly dated someone in March. We did couple's counseling for a number of months until August, but haven't gone back due to work schedules. Also, since my wife hasn't made the decision about whether to stay or go, we are kind of in a limbo land, and I don't know what benefit therapy will have at this point, until we have some idea of what direction we are going. I'm frustrated and totally confused about what to do now. I owe more than my share of responsibility for how we ended up in this place, and I feel like I am trying to keep everything together, but its getting more and more difficult. Since her family has been pretty involved in some of this mess, we are now in the place where she will go do family events with our daughter that I am not allowed to go to. Its not that I want to date anyone else (and I have not), but I am really struggling with the living apart, the arguments, the constant guilty feelings, the constant guilty-feelings arguments... I feel like as a couple, we have no good direction about where to go and what to do. I'm also of the belief that we should be trying to work on our relationship more, but I feel like these concerns are not being shared. I don't think this is going to go on forever, but its getting harder and harder to keep this relationship moving forward. Has anyone been in this situation? I don't know what to do. I feel so lonely sometimes, but every time I reach out to talk / connect, etc., it only seems to reinforce how alienated we are from one another. I also feel like because of the affair, I'm somehow not allowed to have feelings about the separation, that we're not moving along together, etc. Throw on top of this that we have a 3.5 year old who I only get to see a few times per week, and this is really as close to hell as I can define it. Does anyone have any thoughts? I'm worried about the relationship with my daughter, whether we're "reconciling," how do you figure out when to pull the plug and move on, what kind of relationship do you forge with your ex-wife if you share a child together? I'm just a big jumbled mess right now and I'd really appreciate any experiences and/or thoughts people have. Thanks for reading this.. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted October 4, 2011 Share Posted October 4, 2011 You continue to go to therapy and work on you. Understand why you cheated, why you had an affair with someone your wife knows.. When she is ready, hopefully the two of you can go to therapy (marriage counselling) together and either figure things out or at best, working on stuff so you can co parent together. If a divorce happens, you two need to be on OK terms for the sake of your kids. Link to post Share on other sites
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