Friends with Benefits?

[spice4life]

The question of FWB came up in another thread and decided to start a new one.

 

What does friends with benefits really mean to you? Can one even categorize an affair as a fwb? I'm interested in hearing other peoples take on this because it seems the topic is being applied to affairs. Am I crazy for not seeing how they can be connected?

 

I believe a fwb relationship is a temporary situation for people who are not in a position to have a real relationship. To me, 1) it implies that the relationship will end when one's situation changes and 2) it can only work if there are no romantc feelings involved. This has been varified through a study and there are rules to follow for it to work.

 

Personally, if my xMM approached me about being his fwb, I would find it insulting, especially after everything I was put through. If he even joked about it, I wouldn't even honor it with an answer (which, by the way, given his communication style, he would assume my silence meant I was fine with it). With him, I would never be fine with it because he is married and it would be an insult to me.

Edited October 5, 2011 by spice4life

[fooled once]

The question of FWB came up in another thread and decided to start a new one.

 

What does friends with benefits really mean to you? Can one even categorize an affair as a fwb? I'm interested in hearing other peoples take on this because it seems the topic is being applied to affairs. Am I crazy for not seeing how they can be connected?

 

I believe a fwb relationship is a temporary situation for people who are not in a position to have a real relationship. To me, 1) it implies that the relationship will end when one's situation changes and 2) it can only work if there are no romantc feelings involved. This has been varified through a study and there are rules to follow for it to work.

 

Personally, if my xMM approached me about being his fwb, I would find it insulting, especially after everything I was put through. If he even joked about it, I wouldn't even honor it with an answer (which, by the way, given his communication style, he would assume my silence meant I was fine with it). With him, I would never be fine with it because he is married and it would be an insult to me.

 

I agree with you Spice. Although for me, I would be insulted to be a "FWB" with anyone, not just an ex.

[spice4life]

I agree with you Spice. Although for me, I would be insulted to be a "FWB" with anyone, not just an ex.

 

Oh me too! It is just not something I would be interested in...at all. Getting involved in a fwb with a single person would be just another shade of being involved with an emotionally unavailable man. It would mean I learned nothing from that whole situation! That in itself would be an insult. No thank you!

[Spark1111]

I find the whole concept demeaning.

 

If you are my friend, why would I want to mess up the friendship with having sex with you? Sex complicates the entire friendship and in my experience, ruins it eventually.

 

It is human nature for one of the two parties involved in a FWB relationship to want more emotionally and romantically. With all our civilized education and liberation, we, as a species are not hormonally well-suited for FWB relationships.

 

Women, because we want to relate on an emotional level with everyone, think we can handle it. But generally, we can't. If we have decent sex with a man, we start to romantically bond with him and uh, oh, now we have a problem.

 

Men. who wish to be perceived as modern, think they can be friends with a woman. Generally, they can't. If they become too attracted to a female friend, well, now they want to have sex with her.

 

It's just too complicated.

 

I know of a woman who was romantically attracted to a man and they were physical but she realized he wasn't the "one." But they remained good friends.

 

When she did not meet anyone better, she suggested they could continue as FWB, and OF COURSE, he agreed immediately. No man could refuse that offer.

 

When he met a woman he was really, really impressed with and started talking to "his friend" about the new woman, his now FWB couldn't handle it at all.

 

We all have egos. Why would you set yourself up to be a FWB?

 

To me, it's a recurring ONS with someone you may even like in the morning.

 

I'd rather buy some new batteries.

[East7]

I have been in FWB situation, it is very different from being in an A.

 

In general FWB people are single or not committed to others so they are not cheating. There are zero feelings involved and sex is just for fun.

 

An A is quite the opposite : too much feelings and one or both of partners are cheating.

 

FWB formula is often used by MM to prolong the A without having to promise anything to the AP, no more divorce talking etc, just enjoying cake-eating. It is the most insulting thing to an OW (although there are some who are fine with it)

[mzdolphin]

FWB can't include a married person. Because the whole point of FWB is two adults, with mutual respect and with an understanding about the nature of the relationship. If one of the people is married, there is a third party involved who has NOT agreed to this.

 

Any married person even suggesting that you have a FWB is really asking for a BWA: Bootycall Without Accountability.

 

Who would even want to lay down with someone that selfish, who has that little respect for you. I know some women who think "at least he's being up front and honest". But in this case I think it's better if he cared enough to lie.

 

Instead he is in your face saying "I want you to know I don't give a damn about you and I think you are still stupid enough to sleep with me."

[mzdolphin]

Toys are far less complicated.

 

I don't see what women get out of this. I think this whole FWB was invented by horny men.

[Lucky_One]

I have never had sex for sex's sake, I guess, so I don't know if I could handle a FWB situation. I don't think I could, though.

 

What if he wanted to get up after he was done and go home? Or told me to leave? Or didn't call the next day? Or the next week? Or didn't call until he was horny again? I think that would hurt my feelings, so I just don't see how people can do something so intimate and then walk away without sharing a lot more "casual intimacy" afterwards.

[alexandria35]

I don't think friends with benefits are truly friends. Real friendship includes respect and an honest concern for the others wellbeing. I would never use a true friend to get my sex jollies on and if someone I considered a true friend asked that of me I would feel like he was demeaning me and our friendship. I do think two people having sex without emotion can be done, but the possibility of someone developing feelings and getting hurt is huge and if that happens the friendship might be damaged or destroyed. I think most people realize that risk and therefore I would think a friend approaching me for no strings sex had decided that they were willing to possibly destroy our friendship for some meaningless sex. It would feel to me like they didn't value our frienship very much.

[MissBee]

The question of FWB came up in another thread and decided to start a new one.

 

What does friends with benefits really mean to you? Can one even categorize an affair as a fwb? I'm interested in hearing other peoples take on this because it seems the topic is being applied to affairs. Am I crazy for not seeing how they can be connected?

 

I believe a fwb relationship is a temporary situation for people who are not in a position to have a real relationship. To me, 1) it implies that the relationship will end when one's situation changes and 2) it can only work if there are no romantc feelings involved. This has been varified through a study and there are rules to follow for it to work.

 

Personally, if my xMM approached me about being his fwb, I would find it insulting, especially after everything I was put through. If he even joked about it, I wouldn't even honor it with an answer (which, by the way, given his communication style, he would assume my silence meant I was fine with it). With him, I would never be fine with it because he is married and it would be an insult to me.

 

I find the entire matter of "Friends" with Benefits to be very misleading.

 

I believe it is easier to have an "acquaintance with benefits" or a plain and simple "eff buddy"!

 

I do not believe one can truly call someone a friend in the real sense, where you care for this person deeply, you share with them, hang out with them, talk to them often AND also have sex and have it not get complicated...as that is entirely the same as a relationships sans title. I think people fool themselves into believing that because they don't give something a title, it makes it less real and entangled, but not so!

 

To draw on my own experience...I have been involved with someone committed elsewhere twice but I only ever consider being an OW in one of the scenarios (and that was the one in which I was inlove with him and it was a relationship). The other scenario was an acquaintance with benefits thing...not friends. We were not friends. We did not share with each other,. grow any deep emotional bonds, hang out often and do the things friends or couples do...I had NO NOTION of him being my man. He wasn't. He was my "need scratcher" who I'd once in a while see a movie with. That's it. If one is in an affair like that...then I guess it is an acquaintance with benefits thing and can work but most of the As I've seen discussed here do not seem to fall within that realm of being casual, where the person is out of sight out of mind and you only care about the benefits. I think also, that if your benefits in any FWB scenario includes using them for emotional support, emotional comfort etc (which is what true friendship is)...then you have gone too far. If the benefits are exclusively sexual then it is more apt to work IMO.

 

My affair was an affair because it wasn't purely sexual and I used him in the same manner one used a friend or boyfriend...I relied on him, shared with him and had emotional intimacy, with the other guy, although he was cheating, we weren't in an affair to me, as I had no emotional intimacy with him.

Edited October 5, 2011 by MissBee

[26pointblue]

I don't really get the 'friends' part of FWB either. I think of it more as 'hook-up buddies.' I have had a couple of these situations & I can't say I cared for the other person involved as a 'friend' -- it was more like, the sex was good & we'd get together when convenient for both of us. And yes, a temporary situation that is understood to change once one of us gets into a relationship or otherwise is no longer interested in the situation.

 

With one hook-up buddy relationship, we started out dating but the chemistry & passion just wasn't there emotionally . . . however, the sex was off the charts & it was one of those 'why not?' kind of things. I can't say I disliked him but I didn't really consider him a good friend & I didn't find him that interesting. That's why the FWB situation fizzled out . . . at first we would hang out & watch a movie or eat dinner but some of the things he did/said were obnoxious or crass or immature [he was younger than me] & when I tried to have a real conversation with him, it was pointless, so I started to think, why am I spending time on this guy just for the sex, it isn't worth it. So we went to more hook-up type sessions instead of really hanging out much at all, & still it just didn't feel worth it, kind of empty & flat. So I really started distancing myself from him, made myself busy & saw him a lot less, & he had stuff going on his life & was pretty much doing the same thing. Ironically once I started dating a guy I actually liked & told FWB guy no thanks anymore, he started pushing for more time with me & acted all into me. I guess it's one of those wanting what you can't have things/a challenge, or maybe I assumed he thought the same thing as I did about the nature & expected span of the 'relationship.' I wouldn't really recommend the situation or do it again because at times I felt used & at other times, especially now in retrospect, I feel I used him [not purposefully - he just wasn't a good communicator & so I assumed he was thinking the same thing I was & was okay with things. I should have at least just come out & told him my opinion of what was going on with us & how I wanted things to be, but I guess I didn't really know what I was doing or what I wanted . . . I knew I liked the sex but didn't particularly like him]. In hindsight the sex wasn't worth it & I do think that people's feelings get involved no matter how much we think they won't or how much we don't want them to.

 

The other situation was a true booty call type relationship where we had randomly hooked up, mutually enjoyed it but were at places in our lives where we just weren't interested in a relationship, so we continued the hook-ups off & on when convenient & at a certain point it just stopped. That was a much easier set-up & I can't say I regret it or am glad I did it . . . I guess I'm neutral about it. I suppose if you go about it from the beginning as an understood hook-up situation & never really hang out/cuddle/talk etc., then it could work. Still, it's an empty relationship in comparison with 'real' relationships I've had & the one I'm in now. I'd take a real relationship over a FWB type deal any day, but I do understand based on my own past that there are times when a FWB set-up is more in line with where one is at emotionally.

[spice4life]

To everyone, thank you for your input. It has been most helpful!

 

It seems to me that the fwb's concept mostly involves people who have no real emotional connection other than sex and at times don't really like the other person. I guess that is why I would find a request like that insulting.

 

I will be back later to answer in more detail. Thanks again everyone!

 

[Tirai]

1) it implies that the relationship will end when one's situation changes and 2) it can only work if there are no romantc feelings involved.

 

1) yes and 2) yes

 

I've had such for years. He came after me for long and at some point my situation was such that i gave it a try.

I find it handy arrangement. IF feelings and false expectations don't rise.

 

We are friends, we know each other and have good time together, we click sexually and it's safe.

 

We have stopped it when i've been with someone (pauses of years at the longest), he then just has given calls every now and then to chk my situation. Untill at some point he started wanting to have a R and me moving in with him. I told him very openly why that is not going to happen. He doesn't seem to accept it. He plays cool for some time but then there's drama. Hanging the phone up on me, ranting and so on. He got upset about my recent A with the MM, suppose the difference to previous during this time was that i fell hard for this MM and it was obvious to FB too.

 

I care for him as friend and i don't mean to hurt him, therefor i'm calling it off now.

[spice4life]

Okay, so I thought a lot about the whole fwb's thing and came to the conclusion that it is not something I could ever do. And if someone I cared about and had feelings for asked me to accept this type of relationship, even as a joke, my response would be, "that hurt and is an insult." If the MM I was involved with suggested it, I would be even more hurt and it would feel like a total slap in the face.

 

To me, a fwb relationship would be another shade of emotional unavailability. I can't go there, not at this point in my life and especially after everything I have learned about myself over the last 3 years. And in the end, the bottom line is, it is not something I want for myself...I'm in a different place now. I've learned and grown from my experiences and a fwb relationship would end up being toxic for me. If I hadn't gone through the things I have, I might feel differently, but that is not the case. You just can't go back and change the past right? All you can do is learn from it and accept that it may bring certain limitations that are unique to you and you alone. It is what it is and you have to move forward with the knowledge you have now...that's all you can do.

 

So anyway, those are my thoughts on this topic about what I would do. I completely respect that others may feel differently.

 

Thanks everyone for your input, it has been really helpful and validating too!

Edited October 11, 2011 by spice4life