When Opportunity Knocks...

[Kinder-Horror]

A bit of background:

My fiancee and I are to be married in 11 months. I just got offered an opportunity next summer that will put me out of town for 7 weeks, returning a month before our wedding.

 

I realize that a lot goes in to a wedding. However - I'm pretty good at multitasking. And, as it is, we are currently already planning a wedding from out of town (we just moved to a new state and are having the wedding in the state we're from), so nothing really would change except us not being together for 7 weeks. Any emergencies or absolutely necessary things can be done over email, the phone, or with the help of my Mother and Maid of Honor.

 

However, it seems wrong of me to simply accept this opportunity without discussing it with my husband-to-be. When the offer first came in, I mentioned it. He seemed happy for me. He did mention the wedding was occurring only a month after I am to return, but since I had a scheduling conflict, it seemed like a moot point anyway.

 

But now it turns out I'm available and can accept the offer. I tried bringing this up today, but he wont even look away from his video games to discuss it with me.

 

I explained that it turns out I will be able to accept the opportunity offered to me.

 

"When is it again?"

"This summer"

"It's a bad idea. Sorry to tell you. But it's a bad idea."

 

That was it. That was all he had to say. Didn't even glance my way. When I explained that the wedding should be okay, that I can still manage things from out of town, as I'm currently planning it out of town just fine, he just said "You're right. I know nothing. I'm wrong. Do what you want."

 

The thing is... I don't know if I can actually "do what I want" or if he is so captivated by a STUPID VIDEO GAME (that is capable of being paused) that he is just spouting out random verbiage to end the conversation. I could just turn off the TV.. but that seems like a quick way to get him to start the conversation irritated and just tell me to do what I want again.

 

What would you do?

 

(PS: the video games don't irritate me. He plays them when he wants to sit and do nothing. I surf the net and bake. We all have our thing).

Edited October 5, 2011 by Kinder-Horror

[linwood]

I'm more interested in knowing why you want to marry a guy who can't even give you the minimum respect of his undivided attention over something important to you.

 

You'll go through life having to tolerate this crap if you don't draw a line now.

[xxoo]

You brought it up when he was busy doing something else. Bad timing.

 

"Hey babe, I need your input about something important today. When's a good time?"

[denise_xo]

You brought it up when he was busy doing something else. Bad timing.

 

"Hey babe, I need your input about something important today. When's a good time?"

 

Yes, but he was busy with video games... should not this conversation take priority?

[xxoo]

Yes, but he was busy with video games... should not this conversation take priority?

 

Unless it is a dire emergency, I will give any member of my family (child or adult) the opportunity to "finish up what you are doing first" before asking them to do something else. No one likes to be interrupted.

 

It is about setting each up for success, not being right or wrong.

[analystfromhell]

It's pretty likely he doesn't ascribe the same level of importance to wedding planning that you do.

 

Also, I sometimes suspect my wife deliberately interrupts video games because they bother her though she says they don't. It's not the interruption which bothers me so much as someone going out of their way to disturb someone else's activities. Perhaps it would help to reengage when the two of you are undisturbed and undistracted.

[whichwayisup]

he just said "You're right. I know nothing. I'm wrong. Do what you want."

 

Communication issues. Big time!

 

Talk to him again, calmly and ask for his input, the pro's and con's. Infact, why not do a list and show him your pro's and con's of taking the job/not taking the job.

[Lucky_One]

I can be quick-tempered, so I probably would have jerked the tV power cord out of the wall.

 

It makes for some arguments, but it also makes for a rapid reconciliation of an issue so that I don't stew over things and let them escalate them in my mind. There's nothing worse than feeling marginalized, and that feeling turns into massive resentment, IMHO.

 

But in all truthfulness, I think that (assuming that your wedding is of a fairly large size) you could be underestimating the number of phone calls and the amount of stress that you could be feeling two months prior to your wedding. A lot of this depends on the personalities of you and your mom, and the willingness of your MOH to be your right-hand girl. If either you or your mom tend towards perfectionism or getting stressed when little things go wrong, then you may want to have a little more "hands-on" time, without being even further away from your support system (your fiance) and your home security. Your MOH might also resent that you are off furthering your career and being (sorta) carefree while she is attending to your wedding details; I have heard of many horror stories of MOH's ans bridesmaids strongly disliking the bride by the time the wedding comes along.

 

How important is this 7 weeks to your future? Is it worth the added stress to everyone?

[make me believe]

Wow. I completely agree with the following:

 

I'm more interested in knowing why you want to marry a guy who can't even give you the minimum respect of his undivided attention over something important to you.

 

Sure, your timing was bad, but his reaction is the real problem here. I mean, "You're right. I know nothing. I'm wrong. Do what you want." ....REALLY? How old is this guy? It sounds like you have some major communication problems that should have been worked out before you even started thinking about getting married.

[Kinder-Horror]

It's pretty likely he doesn't ascribe the same level of importance to wedding planning that you do.

Well that is probably true... but he is the one bringing up the wedding planning. I wasn't.

 

Also, I sometimes suspect my wife deliberately interrupts video games because they bother her though she says they don't. It's not the interruption which bothers me so much as someone going out of their way to disturb someone else's activities. Perhaps it would help to reengage when the two of you are undisturbed and undistracted.

Haha. I can see that. But I really don't care. There are things I like to do that he doesn't care to participate in (such as watch melodramatic CW shows or post here) - so it's a time for us to both do our own thing. The reason I brought it up when I did is I had just arrived home after finding out I no longer had a scheduling conflict and was actually free for that time during the summer.

 

 

But in all truthfulness, I think that (assuming that your wedding is of a fairly large size) you could be underestimating the number of phone calls and the amount of stress that you could be feeling two months prior to your wedding.

 

I do know what you are saying... and it isn't like I haven't thought about it. But here is the thing. I am ALREADY planning it from out of town. Those two months before the wedding, I will still be out of town planning it. So they would still be helping me with the same things regardless if I am in one state or another. If I was having it in the same state as the state I live, I could understand that. My MOH and mother are both perfectionists. I am just... not. So it's kind of a weird dynamic. I am not going off the grid, I will still be reachable.

 

How important is this 7 weeks to your future? Is it worth the added stress to everyone?

 

Here's the thing. I can't say. It's a fairly big opportunity. It's one of those things where if I accept, I may get the chance again and again, but if I turn it down - it will NOT present itself again. It's almost like... If I say no and I still accomplish my career goals when all is said and done, great. But if I turn it down and end up falling short, I will ALWAYS wonder if I should have accepted.

 

Sure, your timing was bad, but his reaction is the real problem here. I mean,

....REALLY? How old is this guy? It sounds like you have some major communication problems that should have been worked out before you even started thinking about getting married.

 

He is 30. And yes, it was bad timing... I just kind of exploded with the information because I was excited and uncertain and looking for someone to talk to. But that response from him came, I think, as a result of me saying "what is it we will be doing two months before the wedding?" I didn't mean it to be in a rude sense (and didn't say it rudely at all) - but I think he took it as me telling him he doesn't know what he is talking about because he isn't planning the wedding, I am.

 

Which I mean... is true. But he is right as well. There is stuff to be done two months before a wedding. I just didn't like him using that as a reason for me not to go when he has no idea what there is to be done.

[MarriedTex]

Well that is probably true... but he is the one bringing up the wedding planning. I wasn't.

 

 

Haha. I can see that. But I really don't care. There are things I like to do that he doesn't care to participate in (such as watch melodramatic CW shows or post here) - so it's a time for us to both do our own thing. The reason I brought it up when I did is I had just arrived home after finding out I no longer had a scheduling conflict and was actually free for that time during the summer.

 

 

 

 

I do know what you are saying... and it isn't like I haven't thought about it. But here is the thing. I am ALREADY planning it from out of town. Those two months before the wedding, I will still be out of town planning it. So they would still be helping me with the same things regardless if I am in one state or another. If I was having it in the same state as the state I live, I could understand that. My MOH and mother are both perfectionists. I am just... not. So it's kind of a weird dynamic. I am not going off the grid, I will still be reachable.

 

 

 

Here's the thing. I can't say. It's a fairly big opportunity. It's one of those things where if I accept, I may get the chance again and again, but if I turn it down - it will NOT present itself again. It's almost like... If I say no and I still accomplish my career goals when all is said and done, great. But if I turn it down and end up falling short, I will ALWAYS wonder if I should have accepted.

 

 

 

He is 30. And yes, it was bad timing... I just kind of exploded with the information because I was excited and uncertain and looking for someone to talk to. But that response from him came, I think, as a result of me saying "what is it we will be doing two months before the wedding?" I didn't mean it to be in a rude sense (and didn't say it rudely at all) - but I think he took it as me telling him he doesn't know what he is talking about because he isn't planning the wedding, I am.

 

Which I mean... is true. But he is right as well. There is stuff to be done two months before a wedding. I just didn't like him using that as a reason for me not to go when he has no idea what there is to be done.

 

These posters are so fixated on wedding planning, you don't get what he's upset about.

 

Basically, every guy knows that some of the best time you ever have with a spouse is during the engagement period. You are super-girlfriend. You supposedly are at your happiest as a couple. You're basically forfeiting this golden time in your relationship for a temp gig. Essentially, you have told him that he (and your relationship) plays second fiddle to your temp gig. He can't tell you this because he would look like a sexist pig. He could care less about the "wedding planning." He does care about losing almost two months of what would probably be the hottest, most engaging, consistent sex of your time as a couple.

 

Women get the wedding day. Guys get the engagement days leading up to the wedding as some of the ultimate bonding time with their spouse. This is time to be making some memories that will strengthen your bond to help you survive when times get tough. You have no clue. Take this gig, and you're robbing your soon-to-be husband of some very crucial time with you.

 

If he makes it seem like a big deal, he looks like he's being selfish. But, guess what, taking this temp gig out of town is probably the height of selfishness on your part and probably lays the foundation for you to be divorced in seven to 10 years. You have some hard thinking to do in terms of setting priorities for what you want for your life. He can't speak up because he has to be "strong" and let his bride to be do what she wants. But he wants to be with you during this special time, and you're basically giving him the stiff arm. Accept this gig at your own peril.

[MarriedTex]

Yes, but he was busy with video games... should not this conversation take priority?

 

Fiancee was playing non-chalant to hide his true feelings and not say something that would make him seem controlling and dictatorial. He was engaging in video game to mask his disappointment with this turn of events.

[xxoo]

He can't speak up because he has to be "strong" and let his bride to be do what she wants. But he wants to be with you during this special time, and you're basically giving him the stiff arm. Accept this gig at your own peril.

 

How is she giving him the stiff arm? She came to him for his input--to hear how he feels about the job. If what you say is how he feels, he needs to tell her that!

 

He absolutely can speak up. Communicating is strong.

 

And--I would never in a million years have guessed that men look at the engagement as the "best of times". Frankly, that's kind of pessimistic The best is yet to come--the life you build together!

[denise_xo]

These posters are so fixated on wedding planning, you don't get what he's upset about.

 

Basically, every guy knows that some of the best time you ever have with a spouse is during the engagement period. You are super-girlfriend. You supposedly are at your happiest as a couple. You're basically forfeiting this golden time in your relationship for a temp gig. Essentially, you have told him that he (and your relationship) plays second fiddle to your temp gig. He can't tell you this because he would look like a sexist pig. He could care less about the "wedding planning." He does care about losing almost two months of what would probably be the hottest, most engaging, consistent sex of your time as a couple.

 

Women get the wedding day. Guys get the engagement days leading up to the wedding as some of the ultimate bonding time with their spouse. This is time to be making some memories that will strengthen your bond to help you survive when times get tough. You have no clue. Take this gig, and you're robbing your soon-to-be husband of some very crucial time with you.

 

If he makes it seem like a big deal, he looks like he's being selfish. But, guess what, taking this temp gig out of town is probably the height of selfishness on your part and probably lays the foundation for you to be divorced in seven to 10 years. You have some hard thinking to do in terms of setting priorities for what you want for your life. He can't speak up because he has to be "strong" and let his bride to be do what she wants. But he wants to be with you during this special time, and you're basically giving him the stiff arm. Accept this gig at your own peril.

 

If this was true, I think we'd see a lot less marriages. I agree with xxoo that the best should be what's in front of them. There is absolutely no reason why those particular seven weeks (it's seven weeks out of a whole life!) should be the best time of his life. It's certainly well within the couple's power to not make that the case.

[Kinder-Horror]

Basically, every guy knows that some of the best time you ever have with a spouse is during the engagement period. You are super-girlfriend. You supposedly are at your happiest as a couple. You're basically forfeiting this golden time in your relationship for a temp gig. Essentially, you have told him that he (and your relationship) plays second fiddle to your temp gig. He can't tell you this because he would look like a sexist pig. He could care less about the "wedding planning." He does care about losing almost two months of what would probably be the hottest, most engaging, consistent sex of your time as a couple.

 

Women get the wedding day. Guys get the engagement days leading up to the wedding as some of the ultimate bonding time with their spouse. This is time to be making some memories that will strengthen your bond to help you survive when times get tough. You have no clue. Take this gig, and you're robbing your soon-to-be husband of some very crucial time with you.

 

If he makes it seem like a big deal, he looks like he's being selfish. But, guess what, taking this temp gig out of town is probably the height of selfishness on your part and probably lays the foundation for you to be divorced in seven to 10 years. You have some hard thinking to do in terms of setting priorities for what you want for your life. He can't speak up because he has to be "strong" and let his bride to be do what she wants. But he wants to be with you during this special time, and you're basically giving him the stiff arm. Accept this gig at your own peril.

 

 

Lol. Okay, I appreciate your input. And I have never been married before - so take this with a grain of salt, but I just ... totally disagree.

 

Like someone else said - when I ask his opinion, that would be the time to say he feels like we are going to miss out on a big chunk of the fun engagement period. Trust me, that is a lot sweeter (and probably WOULD have got him sex that night) than what he did say. And hell, even if he said the truth (if the truth was actually what you said), it would have been taken slightly more seriously (I mean.. I may have been irritated about it sounding like all he wants is sex, but I also would have heard him basically tell me he doesn't want me to go and wants to enjoy this time with me). Also.. we will have been engaged a year an a half. He gets engaged, super GF time somewhere in there.

 

Don't act like it is so noble of him not to tell me the truth about how selfish I am being for taking this job because I am depriving him of seven weeks of sex. I am a PhD student. If anything, taking the opportunity will speed up the process so I can finish and he (and I) can actually start getting this hot, consistent sex you speak of. He is not only sticking by my side, but asking to spend our lives together during a very chaotic time in mine (not that I am questioning marrying him, I just mean if he wants to spend his life with me NOW, considering my stress level, than I guess the sucker likes me a little)... I am going to go ahead and believe that our relationship is the opposite, and that super GF, for me, is actually super wife.

Edited October 6, 2011 by Kinder-Horror

[MarriedTex]

Lol. Okay, I appreciate your input. And I have never been married before - so take this with a grain of salt, but I just ... totally disagree.

 

Like someone else said - when I ask his opinion, that would be the time to say he feels like we are going to miss out on a big chunk of the fun engagement period. Trust me, that is a lot sweeter (and probably WOULD have got him sex that night) than what he did say. And hell, even if he said the truth (if the truth was actually what you said), it would have been taken slightly more seriously (I mean.. I may have been irritated about it sounding like all he wants is sex, but I also would have heard him basically tell me he doesn't want me to go and wants to enjoy this time with me). Also.. we will have been engaged a year an a half. He gets engaged, super GF time somewhere in there.

 

Don't act like it is so noble of him not to tell me the truth about how selfish I am being for taking this job because I am depriving him of seven weeks of sex. I am a PhD student. If anything, taking the opportunity will speed up the process so I can finish and he (and I) can actually start getting this hot, consistent sex you speak of. He is not only sticking by my side, but asking to spend our lives together during a very chaotic time in mine (not that I am questioning marrying him, I just mean if he wants to spend his life with me NOW, considering my stress level, than I guess the sucker likes me a little)... I am going to go ahead and believe that our relationship is the opposite, and that super GF, for me, is actually super wife.

 

Believe what you want. You two are not communicating very well and you basically dismissed what I had to say because it didn't fit your worldview. Are you training him to edit himself in your communications by taking the same attitude with him? My guess is that you are, given his quick "Do whatever you want" attitude. He already knows that it's pointless trying to convey his emotions on things.

 

You both need to work on your communications skills, big-time. You don't know it yet, but the long term viability of your relationship hinges on your ability to share and communicate as openly as freely as possible. I see your fiancee already giving up on this, editing his opionions to not rock the boat. Ingredients all in place for long-term disaster. I wish you the best of luck.

[xxoo]

I agree with Tex that communication is the central issue here....not the wedding, not pre vs. post marital sex, and not the job opportunity.

 

kinder, do you think he would have explained more if he had not been playing a video game at the time? Or does he clam up like this even when the timing is better?

[lordWilhelm]

I wouldn't be so quick to dismiss MarriedTex's point.

 

I have to confess, I could see myself reacting exactly like your fiance in this situation especially if you brought it up the way you did while I was playing a video game. I'm going to role-play here.

 

I probably wouldn't be thrilled about my fiance going away just before the wedding, and since it seems like you've already made up your mind about it (I'm reading this inbetween the lines in your posts, and he probably can too in real life) I could be a bit resentful that we didn't make this decision together... net result: I'd probably try to mind my own business i.e., focus on the video game, and if I said anything I would keep it short so I don't come across as being overly possessive.

 

Clearly, this bothered him for some reason, so you should talk to him and see what's up.

[norajane]

he just said "You're right. I know nothing. I'm wrong. Do what you want."

 

Does he say this kind of stuff often when you want to talk about something?

 

Try talking with him again, when he is not playing video games. Maybe he will have had time to let the idea sink in and not be so pissy about discussing it with you.

 

If he always gives you responses like that one, you have bigger problems in the relationship than this trip.

 

For the record, I think you should go. You have a lifetime to be together, and those 7 weeks could end up being important to your career in the long run. It's better for BOTH of you to support your career. If he can't see that and support you, then I think he's being short-term selfish and long-term foolish. A marriage is a partnership.

[Kinder-Horror]

Thanks. I talked to him today at lunch. I told him I felt like I kind of just dropped the information on him unexpectedly the other night and so I wanted to see how he really felt about me leaving for 7 weeks.

 

He told me he thought he already told me how he felt. I explained that I knew it would put me out of town for a while somewhat before the wedding, but I would be back for over a month before and leading up to and also felt like I could handle any details that would occur over those seven weeks between myself, my MOH and mother (Even though others may have suggested that wasn't the problem, that was what I had to go off of based on his commentary the other night).

 

We had a calm discussion about it. He basically said he was sorry for being a "little prick" about it and that he thinks I should take the opportunity - he just doesn't want to have to deal with my mother and wedding planning (And while that is totally understandable...There is NO way I would have figured that out based on what he had initially said the other night).

 

So we hugged it out and I guess that is that. Lesson learned: never interrupt a man while he is playing video games.

Edited October 6, 2011 by Kinder-Horror
because I said so.

[Kinder-Horror]

Believe what you want. You two are not communicating very well and you basically dismissed what I had to say because it didn't fit your worldview.

 

Haha of course I did. You are dismissing mine because it doesn't fit yours. I wasn't dismissing that you were saying we weren't communicating well. I am aware of that problem or this thread wouldn't exist.

 

Also - you have to consider that while details are included in posts, they don't represent everything in a relationship. So when you essentially say he is telling me not to go because he doesn't want to miss out on 7 weeks of engagement sex of the 76 weeks we are engaged and explain that it is the best our relationship will ever be- and I say that I disagree, then understand it is because I am a little closer to the situation and have stronger feelings it isn't the case for my situation personally. Hell... if it was - I would NOT get married. Why end the best part?

 

either way, discussion occurred and problem solved.

 

I do appreciate your $0.02 though

Edited October 6, 2011 by Kinder-Horror

[whichwayisup]

he just doesn't want to have to deal with my mother and wedding planning (And while that is totally understandable...There is NO way I would have figured that out based on what he had initially said the other night).

You are a phone call away, so if any major decisions or talks need to happen, your mom or maid of honour can call you on the phone. It's not like you're going to be left in the dark and they make all the decisions while you're away.

 

Nail down a photographer, a band, a venue before you go away. The rest? Flowers can be looked at online, or decided before you go. Food and cakes, desserts? your mom and MOH can go taste testing and fill you in on details.

[Kinder-Horror]

Nail down a photographer, a band, a venue before you go away. The rest? Flowers can be looked at online, or decided before you go. Food and cakes, desserts? your mom and MOH can go taste testing and fill you in on details.

 

Venue, flowers, DJ, Caterer, bartenders, photographers, dress (and bridesmaid dresses), cake are all taken care of already. Sitting pretty. For now... haha

[MarriedTex]

Haha of course I did. You are dismissing mine because it doesn't fit yours. I wasn't dismissing that you were saying we weren't communicating well. I am aware of that problem or this thread wouldn't exist.

 

Also - you have to consider that while details are included in posts, they don't represent everything in a relationship. So when you essentially say he is telling me not to go because he doesn't want to miss out on 7 weeks of engagement sex of the 76 weeks we are engaged and explain that it is the best our relationship will ever be- and I say that I disagree, then understand it is because I am a little closer to the situation and have stronger feelings it isn't the case for my situation personally. Hell... if it was - I would NOT get married. Why end the best part?

 

either way, discussion occurred and problem solved.

 

I do appreciate your $0.02 though

 

Good that you had discussion and glad that you solved problem.

 

Keep up the discussion and communications. Every bride-to-be has great aspirations of being the best wife in the best relationship ever. Life gets in the way of the best-laid plans, though. You evidently have a great education and prospects at a great career. This will not be the last time that you will have an opportunity to choose between optimizing career or optimizing family. Sometimes these choices aren't mutually exclusive, but sometimes they are. I'm very happy that things are poised to be peaches and cream forever and ever in your relationship. That puts you ahead of 98% of married relationships anywhere, anytime. If you want to stay that way, communicate, communicate, communicate. And that means listening as well as talking.

 

Aww heck, what am I thinking. You're right. I'm wrong. Do what you want.

[Kinder-Horror]

Good that you had discussion and glad that you solved problem.

 

Keep up the discussion and communications. Every bride-to-be has great aspirations of being the best wife in the best relationship ever. Life gets in the way of the best-laid plans, though. You evidently have a great education and prospects at a great career. This will not be the last time that you will have an opportunity to choose between optimizing career or optimizing family. Sometimes these choices aren't mutually exclusive, but sometimes they are. I'm very happy that things are poised to be peaches and cream forever and ever in your relationship. That puts you ahead of 98% of married relationships anywhere, anytime. If you want to stay that way, communicate, communicate, communicate. And that means listening as well as talking.

 

Aww heck, what am I thinking. You're right. I'm wrong. Do what you want.

 

Haha thanks. I totally agree with you with communication. That's why I posted on here - to gain insight on how to properly re-approach (I mean... how was I to know that springing huge plans in the middle of a video game wasn't proper? Ah, you live you learn).

 

I definitely am not going in thinking I am going to the best wife EVER (well for him I better be. because I better be the ONLY wife ever). And I certainly dont think things would be peaches and cream forever (and ever). I just meant that if I truly believed that this part of our relationship is going to be the BEST it will ever be from here on out, I would never get married. I would just stick right where we are. But I don't believe that. And I don't think that would be a healthy way for anyone to enter a marriage.

 

Doesn't mean there wont be sh*t to deal with in the future. It just means that at least I have a hope for one. And all relationships are different. For some the happiest times are the engagement period, for others at 45, for others... the moment the divorce papers are signed. All depends on the dynamic, I suppose.