When Opportunity Knocks...

[norajane]

You're his beloved and he doesn't want you away from him, not right before the wedding

 

If that's how he felt, he should have said that. And explained his thoughts. So they could discuss it.

 

You also seem to be discounting the fact that HER future career success benefits them BOTH. I'm sure her fiance is smart enough to see that and understand that it won't help either of them if she gives up this opportunity.

[MarriedTex]

Hydra,

 

Thanks for the shout-out. You posted what I was thinking much more eloquently - and in more detail - than I could.

 

I'm afraid you're tilting at windmills, though. We're obviously dealing with a very intelligent individual who is accustomed to working her way to the right, smart conclusions on her own. She has learned to trust her own voice and her own thoughts. That is good and should be commended.

 

But getting a PhD, however, is no guarantee that you're going to be a good spouse. Indeed, when you become accustomed to being one of the smartest people in the room, soemeimes you forget how to listen. This will ultimately be the downfall in her relationship. Whether its two years, 10 years or 20 years, her inability to listen, hear and adjust to the needs/concerns of her partner will get her in a pickle. She is confident that will not be the case. We know that is misplaced emotional hubris.

 

You are right in your analysis that she did not listen to me, and she really did not listen to (or at least have empathy for) her fiancee's outlook. With the follow-up talk with her fiancee, she checked off the box that she needed to check off and moved on with the plans that she had her mind set on from the get-go.

 

Certainly, we will not sway her outlook. She knows better, of course. Fortunately, I can surf away to another of the 1 trillion pages on the Internet. What she ultimately decides has no bearing on me. But I hope she will be able to take a hard look within herself and acknowledge the truth. That will be the first step the could put her on a far, far better road for the long term.

Edited October 7, 2011 by MarriedTex

[xxoo]

For the guys blasting the OP....she asked him and he told her to go:

 

We had a calm discussion about it. He basically said he was sorry for being a "little prick" about it and that he thinks I should take the opportunity - he just doesn't want to have to deal with my mother and wedding planning.

 

If he has issues preventing him from being honest about this true feelings, those are HIS issues to deal with. She's coming to him for his input. There are no excuses for pretending you are ok with something when you are not. Speak up, man!

 

And you guys say that women are hard to figure out!

[Kinder-Horror]

But getting a PhD, however, is no guarantee that you're going to be a good spouse. Indeed, when you become accustomed to being one of the smartest people in the room, soemeimes you forget how to listen.

 

I NEVER said that getting a PhD has any remote correlation with being a good wife. What I was trying to say, or rather make a joke about, is that this engaged sex you speak of might not necessarily be what your engaged sex was. Since I am drowning in academia 24/7. I was TRYING to say that he might get lucky more often when we are married, since I will have completed it... so instead of being "super girlfriend" (your words), maybe I can be "super wife." Take a minute. Process the joke. And smile.

 

This will ultimately be the downfall in her relationship. Whether its two years, 10 years or 20 years, her inability to listen, hear and adjust to the needs/concerns of her partner will get her in a pickle. She is confident that will not be the case. We know that is misplaced emotional hubris.

 

I think the inability to hear will probably be your ultimate downfall since you cannot read and understand what is right in front of you. How did I not adjust? I asked him a question. He answered, but gave me a reason that was not appropriate (if someone said you can't do something because you have another responsibility that you know will not interfere, you would dismiss their reasoning to an extent). We had a bit of a tiff because of this. I then adjusted the setting and reapproached the topic and we had a successful conversation. I am THANKFUL I didn't adjust to the "needs/concerns" that he initially voiced, because when we later discussed the same topic, his concerns were somewhat different.

 

If in that later conversation, he still explained to me WHY he didn't want me to accept the offer, and presented applicable reasons (ie: not responsibilities that I already handle and can still manage in the interim), I would have STILL considered it a successful conversation. It was not successful because I "got my way." it was successful because we both conveyed our thoughts and concerns and came to a conclusion.

 

You are right in your analysis that she did not listen to me.

 

I refuse to listen to someone who is essentially saying my relationship is doomed because of one argument that lasted 5 minutes. Considering you think that the engagement period is the best it will ever get, I don't think yours is the kind of "optimistic" input I am looking for.

Edited October 7, 2011 by Kinder-Horror