The guy she hangs/works with weirds me out.

[jackmerridew]

I have a girlfriend. She's Vietnamese and still pretty fresh off the boat (moved to the U.S. six years ago). We just became exclusive late September, and she's a great woman. EXCEPT...

 

There's this guy whom she's known for the past two years. He's been helping out with her store (she is the owner), marketing to Asian media and doing other things. And he is madly in love with her, and isn't shy about it.

 

Don't get me wrong. I've met the guy, and I believe he is genuinely a nice guy. He also looked out for her when she was going through a tough personal period two years ago (around when they met). So he's kinda been there for her.

 

She swears up and down that they never dated. I never bothered to ask whether they've had sex. I don't think I'd like the answer.

 

But he used to go around telling people that they were boyfriend/girlfriend. Sometimes even husband/wife. I see this on his Facebook, and even out and about. At first, I found it hard to believe that they were never an item, but her best girl friends also confirmed to me that yeah, the guy is not all right in the head.

 

My girl has gotten pissed at him about telling people that they were an item, and since she started going out with me, he's stopped doing that. But they still hang out together pretty often. They take dinners together, he sees her at her store like almost every day. He's even brought her goddamn lunch, which is a pretty boyfriendy thing to do.

 

I put up with it for three months, because I wanted to be understanding. The guy really does help out a lot, and God knows she needs the help for her small business. But now that we're exclusive, I am starting to find their hanging out incredibly uncomfortable, and I've expressed as much to her.

 

I don't THINK I'm being jealous. I just don't feel comfortable with them hanging out together often, especially since she knows he has super crazy feelings for her.

 

What do you think guys? It's a weird situation, and I know some people wouldn't put up with it. But I'm in love, and she spends the bulk of her time with me. It's just that when we're not together, she usually ends up with him. In fact, they're hanging out right now, and it's not exactly driving me crazy.

 

It just weirds me out.

[leftfordead2]

Does she hang out with the guy outside of work?

[Bryanp]

I think you need to ask her if she ever had sex with this guy. It would put a whole new spin on everything. You need to know this.

[make me believe]

She shouldn't be spending any time with him outside of work and their at-work contact should be kept to mostly work related stuff. All she's doing is stringing him along and giving him hope that if things ever go bad between the two of you, he will benefit from it. Why does she hang out with him without you, KNOWING that he has such strong (and creepy) feelings for her? What is she getting out of it? She obviously likes the attention. That would concern me.

[jackmerridew]

I think you need to ask her if she ever had sex with this guy. It would put a whole new spin on everything. You need to know this.

 

I agree. When we weren't exclusive I didn't really feel justified in asking.

 

But now that we're exclusive and she supposedly loves me (yes she's said the L word to me), that would be completely unacceptable if they ever did sleep together and they hang out like this. Hmm...

[jackmerridew]

Does she hang out with the guy outside of work?

 

Sometimes. Not super often, but it seems they often take dinner together. They could be discussing work related stuff while dinner I have no idea. Ugh.

[jackmerridew]

She shouldn't be spending any time with him outside of work and their at-work contact should be kept to mostly work related stuff. All she's doing is stringing him along and giving him hope that if things ever go bad between the two of you, he will benefit from it. Why does she hang out with him without you, KNOWING that he has such strong (and creepy) feelings for her? What is she getting out of it? She obviously likes the attention. That would concern me.

 

That's a great way of putting it. He totally has hope that if things go sour between the two of us, he will be there to capitalize.

 

He needs to know that that wouldn't be the case, even if we ever did break up.

 

What does she get out of it? Well, they are friends, so even though she often treats him pretty bad, she feels bad for how he feels.

 

OK one time we were both going to be at this fancy party at a fancy hotel. Her company ended up sponsoring the logo wall for photos for models and such. The weird guy ended up sealing that deal. All three of us went to the same party. She was my date, but he was there.

 

Anyway she got into an argument with someone else about something completely unrelated, and was a bit upset about things. How awkward was it that me AND this guy were trying to comfort her.

 

Barely a minute passed into that, when she just told the weird guy and said "I don't want you around here. Please leave." He ended up leaving me with her alone.

 

I was satisfied with that action. But then the guy gets super drunk later and ends up burning his hand severely. She felt bad about that, and she doesn't want to push this guy over the edge. He's threatened suicide before too, although it seemed to me like an empty threat.

[jackmerridew]

Why does she hang out with him without you, KNOWING that he has such strong (and creepy) feelings for her? What is she getting out of it? She obviously likes the attention. That would concern me.

 

Before she used to really not want either of us to have contact.

 

Actually no, when we first started dating she thought it'd be good for the two of us to know each other, for business networking purposes I guess.

 

Later she realized that was a mistake.

 

Now that we're closer though, she's gotten used to the fact that me and this guy might share the same physical space at the same time. She makes it clear to him in front of both of us that I'M the boyfriend and the guy she's with, not him.

 

So she's making SOME steps in drawing the line. I can see that, and it is what keeps me around with this girl. But still, I've told her as much, I don't think they should hang out so much outside of work.

[Bryanp]

If the roles were reversed, do you think she would be as accepting as you have been?

[The Outlaw]

This guy is holds too much of an interest in her. And you would be best if you just talked to her about it. If he really loves her, he'd be willing to let her go.

[jackmerridew]

OK an update and I need some advice:

 

She entrusted me with her work email address to help her promote her business. As I searched for a certain word in her email, I came across old personal emails from the weird guy.

 

She called him a petname, "shujin," which means husband in Japanese. I've always known that he calls her "okusan", which means wife. But I always thought it was a one-sided thing.

 

Now, this was several months before her and I even knew of each other's existence, let alone went on our first date. Like very early this year.

 

She's insisted that they were never boyfriend girlfriend. But then she signs the letter off, "Kiss." It's obvious that they were once affectionate.

 

I'm not SURPRISED mind you. And I'm not necessarily hurt either, since this happened before my time.

 

BUT ... I'm a bit wary that she's not being completely forthcoming about their relationship or friendship in the past.

 

So, provided that I ask her straight out, "Did you ever have relations with this guy?" What if she says yes? What do I do then? Do I forbid the two from hanging out? Do I throw out that ultimatum?

[jackmerridew]

I'm not sure if this would even count as snooping around her email, because she GAVE me permanent access to her email.

[MilfinBerle]

She's just using you to get a green card. They sound like a couple of scammers actually.

 

She's obviously in an on-going sexual/emotional relationship with Ho Chi Minh but you're oblivious to it.

 

Just ditch this pot bellied pig because she's no good to you.

[Bryanp]

I have to admit it does sound like you are in denial. Former boyfriends and girlfriend are to be cut off when one is in a relationship. It is clear that she has not been honest with you. Calling each other husband and wife certainly implies intimacy. This whole thing is ridiculous. A relationship is between two people and not three. It really smells funny. I think there a great deal more to their relationship than you know. I also think she may be using you in some manner.

 

If you ask her straight out will she tell you the truth? I do not know of too many many men that would accept this situation as you have.

[jackmerridew]

She's just using you to get a green card. They sound like a couple of scammers actually.

 

She's obviously in an on-going sexual/emotional relationship with Ho Chi Minh but you're oblivious to it.

 

Just ditch this pot bellied pig because she's no good to you.

 

Appreciate the support. But she's got a green card already so that rationale is out the window.

[jackmerridew]

I have to admit it does sound like you are in denial. Former boyfriends and girlfriend are to be cut off when one is in a relationship. It is clear that she has not been honest with you. Calling each other husband and wife certainly implies intimacy. This whole thing is ridiculous. A relationship is between two people and not three. It really smells funny. I think there a great deal more to their relationship than you know. I also think she may be using you in some manner.

 

If you ask her straight out will she tell you the truth? I do not know of too many many men that would accept this situation as you have.

 

I asked her straight out, and she insisted again that they didn't have a relationship. She avoided the question about their sexual history until I asked again and again, and she finally said they never did anything.

 

This probably goes back to the other thread post about why women lie about their history, no matter what.

 

Unfortunately she now kinda shifted blame to me, saying that I am controlling and smothering. And now she's gotten me to think whether I'm just being insecure.

[Bryanp]

Calling you controlling and smothering is typical of manipulating women. You are controlling her because she likes having a third person in your relationship. I am sorry but she sounds toxic and has you now questioning yourself. You know this whole situation is ridiculous and she is allowing it because she wants to. Don't you think it is time to find someone else who understands what it means to be in a committed relationship? Why do you need all of her baggage and drama?

[skylarkjv]

Calling you controlling and smothering is typical of manipulating women. You are controlling her because she likes having a third person in your relationship. I am sorry but she sounds toxic and has you now questioning yourself. You know this whole situation is ridiculous and she is allowing it because she wants to. Don't you think it is time to find someone else who understands what it means to be in a committed relationship? Why do you need all of her baggage and drama?

 

She sounds like she's stringing the third guy along in the most cruel of fashions. You are not being controlling. Asserting yourself as the male in her life? Yes. Controlling? No.

 

It sounds like she's the one keeping the other guy as a backup plan. She knows as long as she gives him the slightest hint that its okay for him to fawn over her and hang around, then he'll stay. You on the other hand, she doesn't have that kind of control over.

 

I would have one more conversation with her....right before I dumped her.