curvylady12 Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 My fiance and I have been together for 4 years. Our relationship was really great for the first few years and the sex was amazing. He really seemed like the perfect guy for me. He was affectionate, thoughtful, romantic, and great in bed. But when the honeymoon phase died, it died pretty suddenly for him before I was ready to let it go, and it seemed to gradually get worse from there. Now he spends all of his free time playing video games or on the computer. I used to ask him to be romantic every once in a while like he used to, but he insists that he doesn't know how, so I gave up on that. He didn't even do anything for valentine's day this year and our anniversary came and went without a word. He used to go above and beyond to be supportive. Now he complains all the time and expects sympathy, but when I am stressed out about something (I don't like to complain) he changes the subject back to his problems. We don't make love nearly as much as I would like to and I'm very frustrated. He doesn't seem to know how to turn me on anymore, and I feel guilty but I don't like turning him on in bed like I used to because now that just leads him to rush me more, which is painful and not fun at all. I have tried to talk to him countless times about this, and he says he's so stressed out about money that he needs to play video games all the time to keep his mind off of it. Sometimes he seems to listen really well and he will treat me a little more like he used to and it will feel like everything is fixed. But this only ever lasts for a couple of days and then he's back to his normal self, even though I try my best to show him how happy it makes me when he does those little things that add up to feeling loved. I fantasize sometimes about cheating, even though I would never hurt him like that and I truly love him with all my heart. I just feel like I'm putting in 100% and getting back 20% and I just can't keep it up. This has been going on for almost two years! I don't like who I'm becoming. I accept the fact that he is more self-centered than he seemed at first but I still love him anyway. I just need him to put a little effort into meeting my emotional and sexual needs. How do I get him to treat me better without backsliding into old habits? Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 I have tried to talk to him countless times about this, and he says he's so stressed out about money that he needs to play video games all the time to keep his mind off of it. This is a very bad sign. Do you want a life with someone who checks out at times of stress? We all need some sort of "escape" periodically, but he should not need to escape all day long. There will be struggles and stresses in life. You need a partner who will support you through those times (and you him), not someone who turns to video games all day, leaving you to handle the stress alone. How old is he? Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 If this has been going on for 2 years, then why did you accept his proposal? When is the wedding set for? Link to post Share on other sites
Author curvylady12 Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 How old is he? He is 28. Old enough to where he should know how to deal with stress like an adult. Link to post Share on other sites
Author curvylady12 Posted October 5, 2011 Author Share Posted October 5, 2011 If this has been going on for 2 years, then why did you accept his proposal? When is the wedding set for? He proposed a little before this started happening. We originally planned on next fall, but we have fallen on hard times and can no longer afford a real wedding any time soon. I think part of the reason he thinks it is acceptable is because I already said "yes". Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 Wow - a three year engagement. That's a long time. Personally, I would tell him that you aren't happy but that you love him very much. I would find another place to live, and I would tell him that if he loves me, then he needs to see if he wants to expend the energy and time to keep me in his life. This is a marital disaster waiting to happen. Link to post Share on other sites
make me believe Posted October 5, 2011 Share Posted October 5, 2011 I think part of the reason he thinks it is acceptable is because I already said "yes". I think you're right, and you should consider what this means for your potential marriage. How much worse is he going to get when you've said your vows and he knows how much harder it would be for you to leave him then? He has been like this for HALF of your relationship. The honeymoon period ended and now you've had two years to see who he really is. This is him. He isn't likely to change, in my opinion. I think you should stop making wedding plans and tell him that you have no intention of marrying somebody who has no desire to meet your emotional and sexual needs. Then, watch for actions. It doesn't matter what he says or how much he promises to change if his actions don't back up his words. Link to post Share on other sites
Author curvylady12 Posted October 14, 2011 Author Share Posted October 14, 2011 Thank you all for your advice. I think in my situation, it would be really difficult to know if he had changed for good if I stayed with my parents (the only place I have to go, which is 4 hours away). If I did that, it would probably just be the same old behavior loop again. What I've decided to do is demote him to boyfriend. I'm going to put my ring someplace safe and let him know that until I am satisfied with our relationship consistently, he cannot expect to marry me. Maybe in a year or so we can revisit the idea, but he's going to have to make permanent changes. Link to post Share on other sites
Shiloh 2011 Posted October 15, 2011 Share Posted October 15, 2011 My fiance and I have been together for 4 years. Our relationship was really great for the first few years and the sex was amazing. He really seemed like the perfect guy for me. He was affectionate, thoughtful, romantic, and great in bed. But when the honeymoon phase died, it died pretty suddenly for him before I was ready to let it go, and it seemed to gradually get worse from there. Now he spends all of his free time playing video games or on the computer. I used to ask him to be romantic every once in a while like he used to, but he insists that he doesn't know how, so I gave up on that. He didn't even do anything for valentine's day this year and our anniversary came and went without a word. He used to go above and beyond to be supportive. Now he complains all the time and expects sympathy, but when I am stressed out about something (I don't like to complain) he changes the subject back to his problems. We don't make love nearly as much as I would like to and I'm very frustrated. He doesn't seem to know how to turn me on anymore, and I feel guilty but I don't like turning him on in bed like I used to because now that just leads him to rush me more, which is painful and not fun at all. I have tried to talk to him countless times about this, and he says he's so stressed out about money that he needs to play video games all the time to keep his mind off of it. Sometimes he seems to listen really well and he will treat me a little more like he used to and it will feel like everything is fixed. But this only ever lasts for a couple of days and then he's back to his normal self, even though I try my best to show him how happy it makes me when he does those little things that add up to feeling loved. I fantasize sometimes about cheating, even though I would never hurt him like that and I truly love him with all my heart. I just feel like I'm putting in 100% and getting back 20% and I just can't keep it up. This has been going on for almost two years! I don't like who I'm becoming. I accept the fact that he is more self-centered than he seemed at first but I still love him anyway. I just need him to put a little effort into meeting my emotional and sexual needs. How do I get him to treat me better without backsliding into old habits? When did the issues with money start? He has lost his job or had to take a lesser-paying or less prestigious job in the past 2 years? Don't underestimate the de-masculizing effect of reduced income. Link to post Share on other sites
Author curvylady12 Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 Seems the 'real' guy inside - a selfish, self-centered, insensitive jerk - has finally arrived. As confusing as it is, he isn't insensitive or all that selfish. He has a lot if good qualities. He's intelligent, good with kids, goal oriented, patient, he makes me laugh, etc. Another example is that he's good at cheering me up, the trouble is that he doesn't always notice when I'm upset. He really cares about me and our relationship, but my needs don't cross his mind nearly as often as his own needs do. I'm confident that he would do anything to make me happy, but right now it is only if I remind him. He just needs to think about me more and find more effective ways to cope with stress, and I think he will do it if I make it extra clear that doing so is the only way to save our relationship. At least it's worth a try. Link to post Share on other sites
Author curvylady12 Posted October 16, 2011 Author Share Posted October 16, 2011 When did the issues with money start? He has lost his job or had to take a lesser-paying or less prestigious job in the past 2 years? Don't underestimate the de-masculizing effect of reduced income. Actually, yes. You're pretty much spot on. About when this started, he was laid off from his construction job (where he was working 60+ hours/ week and making decent money) and now he works as a school bus driver. Although one reason I love him is because he's not afraid to go against traditional gender norms (he wouldn't mind at all being a stay-at-home-dad one day if I make enough money), he definitely has reason to stressed. I have just as much going on, though, but I deal with it like an adult. Link to post Share on other sites
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