Girlfriend Hiding Things

[youaretheone]

Apologies for the long text. I need urgent advice, thank you for reading.

 

I'm in a 6 month relationship. There was this guy who my girlfriend was very close with. He always posted songs on her Facebook wall and I could see they are in constant contact. I always thought like he is a good friend and didn't ask her about him.

 

When she went back to her hometown for the summer, thus guy took some photos of her at a festival they went together and tagged her on Facebook. Out of curiosity, I asked her if she could introduce me to her friends online because she never mentioned who they are whereas I always let her know who I was meeting even if she hasn't met them in person. She complied with it and told me this guy is her ex and now they are friends, "nothing to be jealous of". Being not comfortable with her being this close with her ex and confused about not knowing of his existence in her life until that moment, I ask her how much she has seen this guy when she is in her hometown. She told me she met him for this festival, went to play guitar hero with him, went to his place to see his dog and to get a dvd he recorded for her. I also found out that she has been talking to him on the phone every day she is there. I tell her calmly that I am not comfortable with her being in such a contact with her ex when she is in a relationship and let her know she is crossing boundaries here. First she gets very defensive and tries to convince me that this guy is just a friend and they did nothing romantic. I tell her I sense something not right with this and it is not acceptable. I want to know if she is really committed to me and I don't want this drama. In the end, she agrees she hurt me and tells this guy to not to contact him "that often", maybe once in a month. Afterwards, the guy tries to contact me and when I tell her why she didn't end it already, she defends the guy to me and tells me what he is doing is normal: That's what a friend would do. I ask her to solve this or else we are not good and she tells this guy not to bother her anymore.

 

Two weeks after, as she was showing me a message on her Facebook, I've seen a new message from this guy and asked her why she hasn't kept her promise. She said it was just an echo and he asked if she is ok, nothing more. When I asked her if she contacted her again other than the message, she said he called her and asked if she is fine with her decision. She was still defending to me that he is a friend and him being an ex doesn't matter.

 

After everything seemed allright, I wrote her a letter to clean the air: How I think her bringing up exs and being that close to them hinders my trust and raises suspicions. How being open and honest with each other is very important. How considering a loved one's feelings and respecting boundaries is important to keep safety and comfort in a relationship. She replied saying "You are the one for me. Thank you for this letter. I will do whatever it takes to prevent this from happening again." A few days after, she tells me she totally cut contact with this guy, but he's still added on her every contact list: Facebook, Twitter, Skype...

 

Putting everything behind and moving on to a stronger relationship, I see the ex liking her new profile photo on Facebook. I suddenly remember a friend of hers asking to meet her at the airport when she arrives at her hometown. I call her and ask her who that friend was and why he could still be liking her photo when they are not talking anymore. After a long pause, she tells me it was her ex. She told him not to come but he appeared there anyway. She lied to me all the time because she told me she just called him when she arrived at the airport. I ask her what else she is hiding from me and it turns out that he tried hugging her intimately every time they are out and she tried to avoid it. I ask her why she hid these things from me and she tells me she didn't want to bother me anymore and she wanted to handle this herself. Then I ask her why she continued meeting him even though she felt uncomfortable about it and she says she was too naive and wanted to beleive that he is a friend. I ask her why she never beleived me when I told her something was not right and why she always defended him to me and she said she made a big mistake and she was too stubborn. Then she deletes him from everywhere, including his photos.

 

Now I feel very bad not only because of being lied to but also because of her seeing this guy that frequently and allowing him to make advances on her even though she was aware of it all the time and I told her something was not right many times. She tells me she had no romantic feelings towards him at that time and it was pure friendship but my mind doesn't accept how a person can be that naive and still continue seeing this guy if she has no other thing in mind. I wonder what else she could be hiding.

 

She again tells me I'm everything she wants and she begs me to forgive her but I don't know what I should do. She says she will change and she will correct what she has done. However, it feels to me like she will always hide things from me and I will be hurt once more.

[imagine]

How old are both of you?

 

Have you decided what you are going to do?

[Bryanp]

You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes. She continues to lie to you because she knows you will always forgive her.

[KathyM]

Apologies for the long text. I need urgent advice, thank you for reading.

 

I'm in a 6 month relationship. There was this guy who my girlfriend was very close with. He always posted songs on her Facebook wall and I could see they are in constant contact. I always thought like he is a good friend and didn't ask her about him.

 

When she went back to her hometown for the summer, thus guy took some photos of her at a festival they went together and tagged her on Facebook. Out of curiosity, I asked her if she could introduce me to her friends online because she never mentioned who they are whereas I always let her know who I was meeting even if she hasn't met them in person. She complied with it and told me this guy is her ex and now they are friends, "nothing to be jealous of". Being not comfortable with her being this close with her ex and confused about not knowing of his existence in her life until that moment, I ask her how much she has seen this guy when she is in her hometown. She told me she met him for this festival, went to play guitar hero with him, went to his place to see his dog and to get a dvd he recorded for her. I also found out that she has been talking to him on the phone every day she is there. I tell her calmly that I am not comfortable with her being in such a contact with her ex when she is in a relationship and let her know she is crossing boundaries here. First she gets very defensive and tries to convince me that this guy is just a friend and they did nothing romantic. I tell her I sense something not right with this and it is not acceptable. I want to know if she is really committed to me and I don't want this drama. In the end, she agrees she hurt me and tells this guy to not to contact him "that often", maybe once in a month. Afterwards, the guy tries to contact me and when I tell her why she didn't end it already, she defends the guy to me and tells me what he is doing is normal: That's what a friend would do. I ask her to solve this or else we are not good and she tells this guy not to bother her anymore.

 

Two weeks after, as she was showing me a message on her Facebook, I've seen a new message from this guy and asked her why she hasn't kept her promise. She said it was just an echo and he asked if she is ok, nothing more. When I asked her if she contacted her again other than the message, she said he called her and asked if she is fine with her decision. She was still defending to me that he is a friend and him being an ex doesn't matter.

 

After everything seemed allright, I wrote her a letter to clean the air: How I think her bringing up exs and being that close to them hinders my trust and raises suspicions. How being open and honest with each other is very important. How considering a loved one's feelings and respecting boundaries is important to keep safety and comfort in a relationship. She replied saying "You are the one for me. Thank you for this letter. I will do whatever it takes to prevent this from happening again." A few days after, she tells me she totally cut contact with this guy, but he's still added on her every contact list: Facebook, Twitter, Skype...

 

Putting everything behind and moving on to a stronger relationship, I see the ex liking her new profile photo on Facebook. I suddenly remember a friend of hers asking to meet her at the airport when she arrives at her hometown. I call her and ask her who that friend was and why he could still be liking her photo when they are not talking anymore. After a long pause, she tells me it was her ex. She told him not to come but he appeared there anyway. She lied to me all the time because she told me she just called him when she arrived at the airport. I ask her what else she is hiding from me and it turns out that he tried hugging her intimately every time they are out and she tried to avoid it. I ask her why she hid these things from me and she tells me she didn't want to bother me anymore and she wanted to handle this herself. Then I ask her why she continued meeting him even though she felt uncomfortable about it and she says she was too naive and wanted to beleive that he is a friend. I ask her why she never beleived me when I told her something was not right and why she always defended him to me and she said she made a big mistake and she was too stubborn. Then she deletes him from everywhere, including his photos.

 

Now I feel very bad not only because of being lied to but also because of her seeing this guy that frequently and allowing him to make advances on her even though she was aware of it all the time and I told her something was not right many times. She tells me she had no romantic feelings towards him at that time and it was pure friendship but my mind doesn't accept how a person can be that naive and still continue seeing this guy if she has no other thing in mind. I wonder what else she could be hiding.

 

She again tells me I'm everything she wants and she begs me to forgive her but I don't know what I should do. She says she will change and she will correct what she has done. However, it feels to me like she will always hide things from me and I will be hurt once more.

She still has a thing for her X, and she really does not want to remove him from her life. She has made that clear through her actions. Her actions speak louder than her words. If she was willing to lie to you and continue to see him "as a friend", she is not a good candidate for a monogamous relationship with you. I'd dump her if I were you.

[carhill]

OP, you're in university apparently and hence young and your GF is enjoying her power over men, perhaps a little too much, if my quick scan of your voluminous past threads is accurate. Accept that and send her on her way. She's probably a nice gal but not mature enough for a monogamous relationship. Your work will be to establish firmer boundaries and communicate them clearly. Good luck.

[Lucky_One]

As Alison Krauss sings, "Time can't erase A lover's embrace."

 

She knows what his hugs meant when they dated and what they mean now that he wants her back.

 

I am feeling like you are getting "trickle truth" here.

[bikinibeach]

wow you sound just like I did. Read some of my earliest posts if you want an idea if where this is going.

 

Dump her asap and go complete NC on her. If not, you WILL regret it...!

 

Sorry this happened to you and good luck

[Appleanche]

Do you really want a gf you don't trust completely? She has proven that she's ok lying to you about her ex and that proves she doesn't value your relationship the way you do. You two are clearly not on the same page. You haven't been together that long... perhaps you should consider jumping ship now before you're in even deeper. 6 months from now it'll be that much harder to break it off.

[Kinder-Horror]

It sounds like she enjoys his attention and simply doesn't want to admit that to you because, well... she enjoys yours as well.

 

I do not doubt that she has feelings for you.

I also do not doubt that she still has feelings for her ex.

I also do not doubt that he didn't try to "hug" her intimately, but probably succeeded. And she agreed to see him again. And in more private and personal settings, like where he lives. And she kept talking to him after returning.

 

And she kept lying to you about it.

 

Why would you believe anything she says now, when nothing ever seems to quite be the truth? No matter how much you confront her, she will continue to tell you it is nothing, continue to shift blame to "him wanting her" and her "being naive"...and she will remainf firm that she loves you...

 

She wants everything.

[Desensitized]

Wow. This really resonated with me.

She replied saying "You are the one for me. Thank you for this letter. I will do whatever it takes to prevent this from happening again." A few days after, she tells me she totally cut contact with this guy, but he's still added on her every contact list: Facebook, Twitter, Skype...

The same thing happened to me! When I was with my ex-fiancee, I told her about her cutting contact with her ex's because it was disrespectful and all the other stuff you mentioned. Ironically, my ex-fiancee said the same thing your girlfriend said! Lol. It's funny, because she too told me that she cut all contact with them and took them off Facebook and such. Bottom line is, like the other posters have said, judge someone by their actions, not their words. Talk is cheap.

[ChessPieceFace]

I don't seem to see it QUITE the same as others do. I see huge red flags, but not the certainty to end it.

 

At this point, all you have are worries about what might happen (or might be happening), and a couple lies which could be interpreted EITHER as outright deception about something that is happening, or grey-area type of omissions from someone who doesn't want to upset you when nothing is really happening.

 

What the other guy wants isn't really relevant -- are you going to let what he wants ruin your relationship?

 

I find the way you handled it to be kind of over the top, also. At least, that's how it sounded when you ran down all the incidents.

 

I can see being VERY concerned about the situation. But if she's not cheating, and she's trying to let go of him, then I see that as workable. Again, you don't know for sure if something is happening. Are you going to end it over suspicion + lies about what might not be what you think?

 

To me, you should end it if either of the following were true:

 

1.) She did something

2.) She isn't going to be able to finally let go of this guy

 

If you end it over suspicions, you may be wrong, and you may regret it.

[Space Ritual]

what more do you need? Facebook romance aside, you have no trust in her whatsoever. she has not been very trustworty, so your relationship is doomed. Just break up with her, delete her off of facebook and move on...nobody is worth the extended heartache...if she was one in a million, there would still be 6,000 of her...lol

[jnj express]

If she was serious about YOU, the minute you said, his presence bothered you, contact with the X-lover SHOULD have ended then, and there----It didn't---so my question to you is how serious is she REALLY about you

 

She plays her little games, and then says she is sorry----what the he*l is sorry, its just a couple of words, meanwhile she put you thru all kinds of bad times

 

If you decide to stay with her, you need to lay in some boundaries, as to her having any kind of contact with other men, she also needs to know, there will be one consequence, and one consequence only---SHE WILL BE DELETED FROM YOUR LIFE, then and there

 

You need to harsh about this

 

Also don't be so sure nothing physical happened with her X-lover---why would he keep on going after her, if she wasn't responsive to him----she lied to you again, and again, about contact with him, why wouldn't she lie about the biggest thing of all---HER BEING PHYSICAL WITH HIM.