Girlfriend ended our beautiful relationship suddenly. Any insights?

[enfantterrible]

I'm writing this on here partly because I would like to see whether anyone else has been through the same thing as me, and partly because I think to do so would be cathartic. I do not expect my ex-girlfriend and I to get back together, so, if you are so inclined, please spare me any harsh posts telling me to move on. I intend to do just that. I'm looking for understanding, not hope. Instead, I'm trying to understand what has happened so that I can get on with my life and grieve.

 

Yesterday, my girlfriend broke up with me. It was the culmination of a week that started with her wanting "space," and ended with her cutting me out of her life entirely. I wasn't expecting it at all. I'm devastated.

 

We were living together, which was a bad decision in hindsight as we'd only been together for a few months. However, it was a decision taken mutually, and very much led by her. She had initially though it a bad idea, but changed her mind; we felt as if we'd been together much longer than a few months, and cautiously agreed that it was what we both wanted. I'd been staying with her most of the time anyway, and she travelled frequently, so we considered that it made little sense for me to get my own place for half the month when we spent all our nights together. I concede that this was a mistake, although hardly one which warranted ending things for good.

 

We had no real issues in our relationship. Perhaps that was unhealthy, I don't know. I come from two parents who don't have issues -- they just love each other and always have -- so it didn't seem too strange. I understand that relationships change, and we hadn't been together long enough to get to the point where we were arguing over anything serious. It would have come, of course, even if it was slight. Essentially, we had a beautiful and respectful relationship, and one based on a strong friendship as much as anything else. I adored her, and she me. I have solid intuition, and I knew something very serious was up the night that it all started. Prior to that, however, there was nothing amiss. I asked her about that when we spoke yesterday, and she confirmed it. This hadn't "been coming."

 

Everyone thinks that their relationship is special, I know. I am no different in this regard. But there was something objectively extraordinary about the two of us, and it was as obvious externally as internally. In addition to various mutual friends repeatedly -- to a man -- saying how well we worked, we would very often have random people come up to us in bars, restaurants, and so forth across the country, and comment on how nice we were together or offer to take our photograph. She was not perfect and I didn't consider her to be, but there was a connection between us which transcended anything I've ever felt before. (I'm in my late 20s.) In fact, I was often embarassed that we'd been together for such a short space of time, given how we were. I was able to be completely honest with her, completely myself. I never hid anything, and we frequently embarassed ourselves in front of each other. It was like that from the very first moment. We were comfortable, sparky, funny, and close. We shared everything. I though the world of her.

 

After a couple of months, I was warned by a friend of hers that she had a tendency to freak when things got serious, and that her disposition is such that she cannot handle anything which ties her down -- not just relationships. I took note of this, but agreed with her friend that we were a little different, and that this could well be an exception. There wasn't much I could do anyway. Besides, she had a strange faith in us which I am now finding hard to reconcile with the peremptory way in which she called the whole thing off yesterday. Whatever happened, she would insist, we'd be fine. After a while, I began to believe this too. Clearly, it wouldn't.

 

I didn't recognize the girl I spoke to yesterday. She was distant and cold. I didn't know who she was when she broke up with me. There was no empathy, no kindness, no love at all. Her tone was different. She was casual with it, as if she were dispensing with someone she had been on a couple of dates with, rather than someone she'd spoken to every day and shared a bed with for months. I saw in her nothing I recognized from our relationship. I feel as if the girl I knew was hit by a car, such was the way in which she disappeared from my life overnight. It feels more like a death than a breakup.

 

I'm finding it hard to work out how someone who was as kind, gentle, reliable, and loving could have changed so quickly. I don't really have any bad memories to counterbalance the good. It's tearing me apart thinking of how happy we were together -- a trip here, our first date, even pyjama evenings in. And remembering the in-jokes and sideways glances and so forth is killing me. Normally there are arguments and fault-lines and tensions to offset all of that, but there really aren't. I'm a simple person: I loved her, I was giving, I was happy. She was happy. And now, she has disappeared, and told me it didn't make sense for us to be together. I'm perplexed.

 

Does anyone have any experience of this? Does it get easier? I am working on the assumption that her friend was right, and she is incapable of committing. The same friend has told me that she literally freaked out overnight and didn't want to be with me any more. From what I've read, and thought, that seems a good explanation, especially given what I know of her history. I certainly don't expect her to change her mind, but I wish I understood better what on earth just happened.

 

I have initiated no contact, because we were so close that I can't fathom having a relationship redux. I care about her too much to be just one of her friends, and I am going to need the space to heal.

 

Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you.

[ShannonMI]

I'm writing this on here partly because I would like to see whether anyone else has been through the same thing as me, and partly because I think to do so would be cathartic. I do not expect my ex-girlfriend and I to get back together, so, if you are so inclined, please spare me any harsh posts telling me to move on. I intend to do just that. I'm looking for understanding, not hope. Instead, I'm trying to understand what has happened so that I can get on with my life and grieve.

 

Yesterday, my girlfriend broke up with me. It was the culmination of a week that started with her wanting "space," and ended with her cutting me out of her life entirely. I wasn't expecting it at all. I'm devastated.

 

We were living together, which was a bad decision in hindsight as we'd only been together for a few months. However, it was a decision taken mutually, and very much led by her. She had initially though it a bad idea, but changed her mind; we felt as if we'd been together much longer than a few months, and cautiously agreed that it was what we both wanted. I'd been staying with her most of the time anyway, and she travelled frequently, so we considered that it made little sense for me to get my own place for half the month when we spent all our nights together. I concede that this was a mistake, although hardly one which warranted ending things for good.

 

We had no real issues in our relationship. Perhaps that was unhealthy, I don't know. I come from two parents who don't have issues -- they just love each other and always have -- so it didn't seem too strange. I understand that relationships change, and we hadn't been together long enough to get to the point where we were arguing over anything serious. It would have come, of course, even if it was slight. Essentially, we had a beautiful and respectful relationship, and one based on a strong friendship as much as anything else. I adored her, and she me. I have solid intuition, and I knew something very serious was up the night that it all started. Prior to that, however, there was nothing amiss. I asked her about that when we spoke yesterday, and she confirmed it. This hadn't "been coming."

 

Everyone thinks that their relationship is special, I know. I am no different in this regard. But there was something objectively extraordinary about the two of us, and it was as obvious externally as internally. In addition to various mutual friends repeatedly -- to a man -- saying how well we worked, we would very often have random people come up to us in bars, restaurants, and so forth across the country, and comment on how nice we were together or offer to take our photograph. She was not perfect and I didn't consider her to be, but there was a connection between us which transcended anything I've ever felt before. (I'm in my late 20s.) In fact, I was often embarassed that we'd been together for such a short space of time, given how we were. I was able to be completely honest with her, completely myself. I never hid anything, and we frequently embarassed ourselves in front of each other. It was like that from the very first moment. We were comfortable, sparky, funny, and close. We shared everything. I though the world of her.

 

After a couple of months, I was warned by a friend of hers that she had a tendency to freak when things got serious, and that her disposition is such that she cannot handle anything which ties her down -- not just relationships. I took note of this, but agreed with her friend that we were a little different, and that this could well be an exception. There wasn't much I could do anyway. Besides, she had a strange faith in us which I am now finding hard to reconcile with the peremptory way in which she called the whole thing off yesterday. Whatever happened, she would insist, we'd be fine. After a while, I began to believe this too. Clearly, it wouldn't.

 

I didn't recognize the girl I spoke to yesterday. She was distant and cold. I didn't know who she was when she broke up with me. There was no empathy, no kindness, no love at all. Her tone was different. She was casual with it, as if she were dispensing with someone she had been on a couple of dates with, rather than someone she'd spoken to every day and shared a bed with for months. I saw in her nothing I recognized from our relationship. I feel as if the girl I knew was hit by a car, such was the way in which she disappeared from my life overnight. It feels more like a death than a breakup.

 

I'm finding it hard to work out how someone who was as kind, gentle, reliable, and loving could have changed so quickly. I don't really have any bad memories to counterbalance the good. It's tearing me apart thinking of how happy we were together -- a trip here, our first date, even pyjama evenings in. And remembering the in-jokes and sideways glances and so forth is killing me. Normally there are arguments and fault-lines and tensions to offset all of that, but there really aren't. I'm a simple person: I loved her, I was giving, I was happy. She was happy. And now, she has disappeared, and told me it didn't make sense for us to be together. I'm perplexed.

 

Does anyone have any experience of this? Does it get easier? I am working on the assumption that her friend was right, and she is incapable of committing. The same friend has told me that she literally freaked out overnight and didn't want to be with me any more. From what I've read, and thought, that seems a good explanation, especially given what I know of her history. I certainly don't expect her to change her mind, but I wish I understood better what on earth just happened.

 

I have initiated no contact, because we were so close that I can't fathom having a relationship redux. I care about her too much to be just one of her friends, and I am going to need the space to heal.

 

Any feedback would be appreciated. Thank you.

Sounds to me like she's a commitment phobe. When you decided to get serious and move in together she bolted. I'm sorry this is happening. Her being distant and cold is maybe a defense mechanism.

 

It will get better with time. I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 years a year and a half ago and while I still think about him, I am so much better then I was in the beginning of the breakup. Even though it may seem like you'll never move on, you will.

 

As with your relationship, I saw no fault lines and was completely shocked by his decision to dump me. It was hard to deal with. You will be alright, though. Keep posting.

[Eddie Edirol]

Its a pretty common story E. Girl gets distant suddenly, girl dumps guy. She very well could have gotten scared, but no one that is attached to you just runs away and cant be with you. So she was no longer attached to you. The commitment excuse was a cover from her friend. Theres probably a real story and her friend knows. No one is afraid of committing, they just dont want to commit to you. I believe that when her friend told you she was afraid to commit, that your ex was looking at another guy.

 

She might have fell out of love with you months ago for some reason, and kept you around so she wouldnt be alone. I think she found someone else, and started dating him, which explains her coldness and fast breakup to you. She was planning this for a while. Thats the usual situation when someone gets distant like that.

 

I know You will say thats not possible, she wouldnt do that, I had no clue, but you werent looking for clues until it was too late. She probably started getting distant and faking it long before you noticed. I dont know her though, Im just going on your info. You will think your situation is unique, but its pretty standard.

 

Did she give you a reason for the breakup?

[GymRat]

Its a pretty common story E. Girl gets distant suddenly, girl dumps guy. She very well could have gotten scared, but no one that is attached to you just runs away and cant be with you. So she was no longer attached to you. The commitment excuse was a cover from her friend. Theres probably a real story and her friend knows. No one is afraid of committing, they just dont want to commit to you. I believe that when her friend told you she was afraid to commit, that your ex was looking at another guy.

 

She might have fell out of love with you months ago for some reason, and kept you around so she wouldnt be alone. I think she found someone else, and started dating him, which explains her coldness and fast breakup to you. She was planning this for a while. Thats the usual situation when someone gets distant like that.

 

I know You will say thats not possible, she wouldnt do that, I had no clue, but you werent looking for clues until it was too late. She probably started getting distant and faking it long before you noticed. I dont know her though, Im just going on your info. You will think your situation is unique, but its pretty standard.

 

Did she give you a reason for the breakup?

 

He's right, this is a very common story. My girlfriend broke up with me suddenly, and it was ridiculously tough to swallow, because like you, I thought we had the most perfect relationship together. Except in my case, she said everything to make it seem like it was just a break and that it was just space she needed in her life, but she ended up meeting someone else and quickly bolted. I can truly say I treated her the best she's ever been treated by anyone, and she knew it. What freaked her out is that I might be the person she spent the rest of her life with, and at her young age, she didn't want that. So now she's dating someone who's the exact opposite of who I am.

 

Life's a hell of a journey, but the best you can do is live and learn, and focus on finding happiness within yourself. I'm still trying to work on this!

 

Good luck buddy.

[iambored]

Same thing just recently happened to me, which is how I found this message board. Great relationship, never fought (nothing big anyways), was always there for each other, perfect compliments for one another, loved each other, had so much fun, then suddenly one day she just broke it off. I had no warning signs whatsoever. At first I did suspect she met someone else, but I'm almost positive she didn't (way too many signs pointed to no she didnt). In a way we broke up in good terms, she did say she wish to remain friends with me and she looked very pained through the ordeal.. though to be honest I dont know if i can remain friends with her, though I will try after I get over her. For now I am on NC.

 

I think what happened to me is probably what happened to you. Which is the girl suddenly realized how serious things were getting, got scared and bailed. The sad part is I even offered her an "out" by asking if she wanted to slow things down, take a break etc. She thought about it for a week and said no anyways. Right now i'm doing NC for a month and have been doing great. She emailed me twice (i replied once, very brief response) and havent talked to her since.

 

If shes willing to hurt you so bad so suddenly, she's probably not that great. Take some time to reflect. After a month I see things so differently now. With my love goggles off, looking back at the girl she was a total flake. She moved like 3 times in the last 2 years, changed jobs a couple of times. Talking about leaving her current job because she didnt like her new manager, etc. Total FLAKE. Her leaving me makes much more sense now.

 

People arent always reasonable especially with emotions involved. All i can say is as time passes by, you will realize that she really isnt as great as you once thought. The likely hood of her changing her mind is little. Just accept it as being over. The sooner you can do that the quicker you'll feel better and can move on. If she does come back, you might not even want her anymore. It is what it is.. if you are such a great guy, you did nothing wrong and you deserve better anyway. This is coming from a guy that was a total wreck 2 weeks ago. Its hard to deal with it, and I still think about her all the time. But I already miss her less and less and start seeing the "bad" side of her that I never noticed or ignored before. Just go out with some friends/family, have fun.. live life. Make future (near or far) vacation plans.. take up some hobbies, play a sport, go hiking.. have something to look forward to to keep your mind off her. Good luck

[enfantterrible]

Its a pretty common story E. Girl gets distant suddenly, girl dumps guy. She very well could have gotten scared, but no one that is attached to you just runs away and cant be with you. So she was no longer attached to you. The commitment excuse was a cover from her friend. Theres probably a real story and her friend knows. No one is afraid of committing, they just dont want to commit to you. I believe that when her friend told you she was afraid to commit, that your ex was looking at another guy.

 

She might have fell out of love with you months ago for some reason, and kept you around so she wouldnt be alone. I think she found someone else, and started dating him, which explains her coldness and fast breakup to you. She was planning this for a while. Thats the usual situation when someone gets distant like that.

 

I know You will say thats not possible, she wouldnt do that, I had no clue, but you werent looking for clues until it was too late. She probably started getting distant and faking it long before you noticed. I dont know her though, Im just going on your info. You will think your situation is unique, but its pretty standard.

 

Did she give you a reason for the breakup?

 

Thanks for the input. However, I'm positive that this isn't the case. It would make it perversely easier if there were someone else, but there's no other person. Her friend certainly isn't covering for her; it was a genuine warning. I've subsequently been told the same thing by a bunch of other people -- this is a pattern that she has and I fell foul of it as everyone seems to. It was hinted at right when we first got together by a few mutual friends, too.

 

She told me when we broke up that she can't deal with having to factor someone else into her decisions. Given the last week, I'd have to agree with her.

[enfantterrible]

I think what happened to me is probably what happened to you. Which is the girl suddenly realized how serious things were getting, got scared and bailed. The sad part is I even offered her an "out" by asking if she wanted to slow things down, take a break etc. She thought about it for a week and said no anyways.

 

Me too. The switch had been flipped, I think. I spoke to some mutual friends afterward and they looked at me with a combination of sadness and knowing, and said they have seen her do this before.

[TheDovic]

Look for the GIGS post on this forum dude, it might be an eye opener for you!

 

With regard to having no issues - this was exactly how my relationship was, and I see the same story almost everyday on this site, but the reality is, a lot of women like to have drama in their lives, something to bring out their emotions whether it be good or bad! Hence, fighting the odd time is actually a good thing.

 

Most of my friends who are in relationships which have lasted a long time fight frequently. My ex and I used to laugh at them because they fought and we didn't, but they are all together still and we have broken up. Furthermore, look at the volume of posts on this site where a nice guy has lost their gf who has went back to an "abusive" ex! Abusive? Yes... Boring? No!!!

 

Read David DeAngelo's "Attraction isn't a choice" dude. My standard advice to nice guys on this site. (even if you don't think you were a nice guy *I didn't either* you might be proved wrong). This book is not about being a d**k, it's simply about telling you what is attractive and what isn't, in very plain English.

[Mack05]

enfant I see so many similarities in my last relationship earlier this year. Maybe this might help explain a few things -> http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

[enfantterrible]

enfant I see so many similarities in my last relationship earlier this year. Maybe this might help explain a few things -> http://www.bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

 

Fascinating. I had come to a similar conclusion myself, although I was wondering about narcissistic personality disorder.

[Mack05]

Fascinating. I had come to a similar conclusion myself, although I was wondering about narcissistic personality disorder.

 

I agree, I don't think your ex has BPD but a personality disorder is the direction you need to be looking at when looking for closure here...

[Glove_slap]

End contact with her for one month - she will call or message you/text you - play it cool as if it doesn't phase you - don't ignore her but give her short answers and tell her you're doing good when she asks - don't ask her back - end the conversation at your will -don't be available for her - try your hardest to stay strong even if it hurts to the point where you cry yourself to sleep - YOU MUST NEVER show her this or else everything will fail - after another few days or weeks she will call you again - this time talk to her, ask questions flirt a bit and again be the one to end the conversation - after another few days she will call/text you again to most likely hang out - hang out with her and flirt, be touchy but make sure it's on your own accord - only give 75% enthusiasm if she gives 100% - You have the power - the tables are turned to your favour and you can decide on what to do from then.

 

OR she broke it off and really doesn't want you back, either way do the following and she should come back to you. No guarantees though.

[StellaA]

Totally know how you feel! everyone used to say how perfect we were, we knew each other inside out. He even text me when we finished to say how he will always love me as no one will ever understand him like I did and could read him like a book! I reall felt, still do. like we were soul mates, we would talk and laugh for hours. We lived together for a year and then he decided he couldn't committ. He completely freaked out and I am not sure he will ever be able to comitt with anyone??? I don't know! I couldn't have given him more if I tried

[enfantterrible]

End contact with her for one month - she will call or message you/text you - play it cool as if it doesn't phase you - don't ignore her but give her short answers and tell her you're doing good when she asks - don't ask her back - end the conversation at your will -don't be available for her - try your hardest to stay strong even if it hurts to the point where you cry yourself to sleep - YOU MUST NEVER show her this or else everything will fail - after another few days or weeks she will call you again - this time talk to her, ask questions flirt a bit and again be the one to end the conversation - after another few days she will call/text you again to most likely hang out - hang out with her and flirt, be touchy but make sure it's on your own accord - only give 75% enthusiasm if she gives 100% - You have the power - the tables are turned to your favour and you can decide on what to do from then.

 

OR she broke it off and really doesn't want you back, either way do the following and she should come back to you. No guarantees though.

 

Thank you. Although, I really don't think that us getting back together is on the cards. I have initiated No Contact because I can't be in a relationship with her that is less than what it was. She was my best friend as much as anything else, and I care about her very deeply; it would kill me to be privy to her life, but unwanted, not needed, or unable to share it. Ultimately, I'd like to be able to look back on what we had happily. I don't want protracted pain or -- worse -- hope.

 

There is no point my lying to myself. I secretly want her to call me and say she has made a terrible mistake and would like things to be how they were. But, short of a lot of thinking and some real change on her part, I think that is very unlikely. If this is a pattern, it will take something substantial to break it and I'm not naive enough to think that it will be my absence that pushes her over that edge.