He's a liar for sure, but is he cheating again?

[yellowrose]

My husband and I have been separated for 6 months due to his cheating and lying. A couple of months ago we started seeing a marriage counsellor as well as individual therapists. Just last night we had a very nice conversation during which he said that he was scared that divorce was a mistake and he was willing to really give reconcilliation a shot. I was on cloud 9. I felt that he was making some really big changes due to his therapy and I was beginning to feel that I could trust him and forgive him.

 

Well, that was last night. --And, quite honestly, right on up to about 7pm. He's out of town in Vegas for a conference. He told me that he was staying there until tomorrow night and his plane wasn't getting back until 1am Sunday. He said he'd be beat, but would pick our daughter up for a visit after he went to church.

 

Earlier this afternoon we had spoken on his cell phone for a bit. He said, "I'll talk to you tomorrow. I'm beat. I'm going up to my hotel room to get an early night's rest. Plus my cell battery is dying."

 

We've been fooling around on and off recently, and I felt so good about our conversation last night that I wanted to call his hotel room and have a little fun with him. So I rang the hotel to have them patch me through to his room. They told me he had checked out. I was stunned. I even called back and had them double check. Yup. He had checked out.

 

So I called his cell phone and left a message to call me asap. When he rang back, I asked him where he was. He said, "I'm in the bathroom." I asked him where. He said, "In my hotel room." I asked him, "In the MGM?" He said yes. I told him, "No you're not. I just called there and they said you checked out." Then he flipped out. "Why did you go and do that?! Why did you call the hotel?!" I asked him where he was and he said, "I don't have to tell you that."

 

It ended up with him telling me that he was at the airport. He was coming back to town a day early. I personally believe that it was so he could have an unchecked night at his mistress' house, with me thinking he was still in Vegas.

 

Why would he lie to me about this? Why would he lie, yet again, with everything being so fragile between us?

 

He's cheating, isn't he? I just can't believe anything else. I just can't make sense of all of this. We've been through so much in the past few months. Why would he make such a stupid mistake right now?

 

At this moment, I hate him. I hate him for being so sadistic. I hate him for lying. I hate him for being the kind of slime that I don't even trust to be around my daughter. He will end up instilling her with his ideals. He said some pretty cruel things to me on the phone earlier. He said he never loved me and that he didn't want to be with me. Why the 180 from last night? I think he gets some kind of charge out of being so cruel. He knows all I really want is to keep my family together. He seems to gloat whenever he says something like that to me.

 

This all just hurts so much.

[Butterfly_Queen]

Yellowrose, I'm so sorry you're hurting. I think he would have continued to act as if things were ok as long as you had not called the hotel. The reason for his sudden change and his attitude is due to the fact he was "caught" if you will. So he suddenly tells you he doesn't love you blah blah blah. I think he was stringing you along all the time, even during the nice conversations you all were having etc. I think by him continuing doing what hes doing is your answer as to where these relationship should go. I know you all have been to counseling but seems like it didn't do him any good. No one can help him unless his willing to help himself and sounds like he doesn't want too. Even though you may not have real proof right now as to his where abouts and what he was doing, I think its safe to say something was up because of the sudden attitude and him being upset you called the hotel. I know you may not want to hear it, but I think you should move on. I'm not sure i could live day to day wondering if hes lying, cheating, or whatever. I wouldn't wont to feel I had to walk on eggshells and constantly worry about trusting him or not. Its no way to live. Also think of what kinda life you want for your kids. Theres lots of people that are split or divorced that can remain civil to one another for the sake of their kids without having to be together. The bottom line to me is, I think he wanted his cake and eat it too. However, it just doesn't work that way. I wish you luck.

[shamen]

Yellowrose,

 

So what happened? Did you find out where he went when he got back into town?

 

I must admit, it does sound like a bad situation. I would tend to believe that something is seriously up.

 

Are the two of you planning on going to counseling again and talking about this?

[allheart]

[color=darkred][font=courier new]I am so so sorry you are hurting, sweetie. But today is another day. What has happened since last night? Please update us so I will know where to go with my guidance.

 

Thanks![/font][/color]

[yellowrose]

Hi you guys-

 

First off, how much could I possibly thank you for the kind words of support? This has been a really hard past couple of days.

 

He admitted that he came back a day earlier with the intention of trying to get together with his ex-mistress, a 25 year old girl just a few blocks from our home. Apparently she wanted nothing to do with him. Who knows if I can believe that. I keep thinking of a section from the book "After the Affair" that says that like it or not, I have to remember that his relationship with her was real and it will take him time to completely extract himself from it. He didn't see her, but isn't it bad enough that he tried? I also know that the process of reconciliation after infidelity is one step forward, two steps back. I have to keep in mind that in the past couple of months we have literally gone from not speaking at all except through lawyers to being able to spend a day together laughing and having a nice time as a family.

 

But seriously, WTF???!!!!! Where the HELL was his head? We had been doing so well!!!! It's just so crushing. I would think that any man who wanted to try to make ammends after an affair would put his mistress out of his life. He's like an effing dog in heat with that woman. His family, his wife, his children, they just completely go out of his head and he just follows his di*k like a divining rod.

 

I am really being tested. I'm at the point where I feel like this is getting into "having no self respect" land for me to stay with him.

 

-Yr

[allheart]

[color=darkred][font=times new roman]You're very welcome for the support. I wish I could do more to help you. You are being such a strong and patient woman through this ordeal. I can tell you some of us would have already kicked his $#& to the proverbial CURB, but good!

 

Ask him this...honey would you mind keeping the children on Thursday night? When he asks why...be as vague as you can and see how he responds. Just tell him you have plans.....see if he likes the shoe on the other foot. Just a suggestion...you somehow need to get across to him that you are not going to sit around forever and put up with his shenanigans....because you do have some pride and self respect.

 

You have two beautiful children and he is risking losing them, does he know that? H E L L O??? I think you need to purchase the book by Dr. Phil McGraw, "Relationship Rescue". It wouldn't hurt (either) to start watching or taping his show everyday as he does a segment about relationships and is currently doing one weekly on the anatomy of a divorce, working with this couple who have two children...and at times, it gets ugly, even on tv. Would your hubby be willing to read and watch this with you?

You can also go to Dr. Phil's website (drphil.com) and get tons and tons of information and help. Even though the good Dr. *tells it like it is*, I really really respect his approach with relationship problems.

 

Please keep us posted. Here's a ((((HUG)))) from across the miles. You hang in there![/font][/color]

[Matilda]

Yellowrose,

 

I have not been in your situation, but here is my opinion. Has your husband said he is committed to trying to stay in the marriage? If so, I think that the only way that I would try to stay in the marriage, is if he could vow to be completely honest. And then I would tell him any dishonesty is a deal breaker.

 

Your trust in him has been shattered. He needs to rebuild that trust if this marriage is going to work at all. I would make a pact with myself that any lying means the end of the marriage. I don't know if this is the "correct" advice or not, but I "think" it's what I would do.

 

There was physical abuse in my first marriage. It happened once, and I told myself we would go to counseling and try to make things work (we had a child), but if the abuse happened again, that was it. It happened again, and that was it for me, and we got a divorce. 14 years later, and I don't regret my decision. I know my life and my child's life is much better than it would have been if we had stayed married. I know this is a different situation, but maybe not so different.

[FolderWife]

Yellow Rose....*sigh* we all love you girl, but it doesn't look like this dog you married is going to ever change.

[yellowrose]

Monday--- Your avitar always makes me smile. That's awesome.

 

Ahhh...Ok. So here's where things stand now.

 

Last night I told him, "Look. I can't make you want me, or our family, or our marriage. The only thing that you know for sure is that you want to @#$% that girl. So go to town. You're off the hook." Then he started crying and saying, "That's not what I want! I just want to be happy!" and "I'll do what you want. What I want doesn't matter. I'll just learn to be happy living with you."

 

Ok. What the @#$% is that??!! Like I'm the big, evil mama making him come in from playing with his friends. I told him, "Look. This isn't where your heart is. That's what you want. Go get it and leave me alone." and that I would absolutely not go to counselling with him because where he is, it's a joke to go. He insisted that he really does want to work on being happy together...blablabla, and I'm going to this one session with him to see what the therapist has to say. I think he's full of B.S. at this point and is only looking to cover his tail. He told me that he knew that divorcing me would make me really upset. (DUH!) -And that he was scared I would be angry at him. (Ok. Again... DUH!!!)

 

He wants to schtoop that girl, keep me on the line, and get a guilt-free divorce where everybody's happy and he's the only one who gets everything he wants. He's insane. Truly.

 

We'll see what the therapist says. I'm not holding my breath.

 

Hmm.

 

-Yr

[Butterfly_Queen]

He'll just "Learn to be happy living with you?" WTF? Girl, let him go. Sounds like he wants his cake and eat it too, doesn't work that way. I wish you luck. Let us know what happens.

[acaine]

WTF?? yeah he is crazy if he thinks you're going to lethm cheat and get away with it scott-free. Where do we find these men from?? The have a good thing at home and they think b/c the grass looks greener on the other side that it truly is!! They have alot more to learn than self gratification these days~~. I hope everythng works out for you. I think the counseling is a good thing, but maybe you should go on your own. He will only go in there and make excuses for his behavior.

[allheart]

[color=darkblue][font=courier new]Is that what he really wants? To keep the OW on the side? Did he say that?

 

Hmmmm....I will really be interested to see what the therapist says. Being one myself...I am real interested, so let us know, ok?

 

Are you two going to counseling for couples or are you accompanying him for individual counseling?[/font][/color]

[yellowrose]

We're going to both individual and marriage counseling.

 

I feel like, at this point, it's an emotionally abusive situation. He's looking at this as an excuse to say whatever he wants, whenever he wants and his get out of jail free card is that he's angry.

 

I told him last night that I just don't have it in me to fight him anymore. I don't believe anything he says. He claims to be going to his friend's home and I think that he's going to that tramp's house. I don't trust him at all. He lies about everything and he's really angry and hateful.

 

I need to scoot to work. As always, thank you gals for your support.

 

 

-Yr

[FreeMe]

I think you've tried everything you possibly could but your husband is just not trustworthy. Now you're just putting energy into someone who's just not worth it. At this point I think it would be completely right and reasonable to refocus your energies onto yourself and your girls and move on. You haven't done anything wrong here and you're the one who keeps taking crap. You deserve happiness and relief from all this stress and worry, which you will finally get when you don't have to worry or care about whether he's lying to anyone or not.

[Linlin]

Good for you.

 

It is amazing to me that the minute we "set them free", they keep coming back.

 

I told my H last night that he can pack his bags and go (he keeps threatening that he is going to do that) and that I want a separation agreement signed and witnessed this weekend and tha bank accounts separated.

 

All of a sudden, why am "I" in such a rush to do these things.

 

I have been quiet and calm around him, telling him that I have a had a good day at work, not talking about "her" and he needs to start taking medication again to sleep at night. The guilt is eating him up. Yet if I am angry, he gets angry back.

 

I think these men are finally realizing what they are losing and that we will go on with our lives. Mine can be emotionally abusive too. If I play it cool and pretend like it doesn't get to me, then it drives him crazier.

 

Don't let him get you down.

 

Keep your chin up.

[JustBreathe]

he's not clear about what he wants at all, is he? first it's the marriage then it's OW. the old push and pull. it's so debilitatiing. i hope he wakes up because you come through as a postive and strong person who is trying to see things clearly, despite her husband's chaotic behavior. i used to be that way. years of dealing with a man like this has taken it all out of me. left me shaking like a bowl of jello. no spine at all.

 

if you want my opinion, he is saying he wants to be with OW but she won't have him so he'll have to settle for you. gee thanks, hon.

 

it takes two to make a marriage work he's only half in.

 

alot like my old man. half-in. but half isn't enough for me. i've had it.

[yellowrose]

I'm so sorry that anyone has to feel like this, but it is a comfort to me to know that I'm not alone. Thank you all for sharing your stories.

 

He claims that he and the OW are done. Yeah. I'm holding my breath.

 

Our marriage counselor gave him the evil eye yesterday and told him that it's normal for me not to trust him at all and "frankly, you [H] and I [counselor] have some major trust issues as well". He let him know that he will not tolerate being lied to, that it defeats every purpose of even showing up. I was so relieved to have that backup.

 

We had a big blowout last night after the session. Things went fairly well when we were in there, but when we got out to the parking lot, he jumped me about our daughter's visitation schedule. I told him that I did not think that we should jump into a hot button topic right after leaving a session and that we need to talk about this later. We are always too raw to talk about anything heavy when we leave those things. He pressed and was so aggressive that I told him, "Look. I am sorry, but I just do not trust you at all. My trust doesn't come a la carte. I don't just trust you with some things and not others. You blew it. So now I don't trust you with our daughter. I don't believe that she's with who you say she's with and I don't believe that you're going where you say you're going with who you say you're going with." It's ugly, but it's true. I found out that he had been taking her over to the OW's house and I just lost it. So now I have severe issues with him taking her anywhere.

 

His reaction was to literally throw his hands up in the air and yell, "F$&* it! It's OVER!" and then he got in his car and sped off.

 

I called him when I got home and informed him, "Look. You have anger and that's fine. That's normal. BUT you have CROSSED THE LINE. Now you're in emotional abuse territory and I will not allow you that power." He dangles the marriage and family in front of me like a carrot. "If you don't do XYZ, then we're over." So fine. I took that power back. I also told him that had I known that he was capable of being this type of man, that not only would I have never married him, but he'd never have made it to a second date. I told him that I do not like the person he is now at all. He's mean, abusive, manipulative, angry, selfish and hateful.

 

 

---- Ok. So why am I still hopeful! I must be insane! Obviously I know better!!!!!

 

Sigh.

 

-Yr

[DavidCM]

It's over.

 

Or it should be.

 

Don't waste another day with this loser. He's not worth it. Get a good lawyer.

 

You'll be fine more quickly than you know. He'll never be.

 

I'm truly sorry. Good luck.