Tony, he won't let go of us

[Kerrie]

I don't know if you got a chance to read my post which was in response to yours and talked about you hitting a soft spot with my man's reason's for letting this woman walk all over him.

 

I still believe that there is a certain element to what you are saying which is affecting his behaviour, but he insists not.I am at my wits end and although it has only been our love that has allowed us to move past this woman being a problem, I fear that even our love won't be able to stop me from walking very soon. I know for a fact he won't let me go easy...he hates being apart for a night even.

 

This is the confusing bit: he wants me to confront her. His parents want me to confront her. I have the guts, but isn't part of my problem him redeeming his respect from her, not me redeeming it for him? I will support him and accompany him with any conversations with her, but should it really be up to me to repeat how he feels about her, what she has done to him, what everyone who loves him thinks of her?

 

If his reaction to my comments were: 'you are being unfair' or 'you're right but I do what I do hoping it might make some small difference' it might be easier for me to get my head around it. But, instead he agrees and in some respects encourages the adversity from me....I can not tell you how much he hates her and what she has done.

 

Instead, I get to hear how much he hates this woman, how he wants to evade her and the legal financial pressure she puts on him by working overseas. How since the day it happened he has thought of ways of getting away from her and that as soon as his career could carry him, he was going straigh O/S. How she is a slut. How she lies to him still. Yet, he won't say anything like that to her...he says he despises her more than anything or anyone in the world, but runs out to pay her bills.

 

See how I am confused??

 

Remember, a big part of my problem is the fact that he denies what is happening, always has, remembers he is a dad one day out of fourteen and only because he has to go see his daughter. Every other day, unless she calls wanting something and even then he bends to her demands so she won't kick up a stink, gets the job she requests doing done, and forgets about the pitiful situation again.Nobody other than the few very close people in his life even know about this child!

 

I have had it. I want out....I was in hopital three months ago with an anxiety attack - I've never had one and thought it was athsma and am still a bit embarressed that I would let his situation affect me like that. If he can't talk to her and start setting boundaries for himself, surely he should look at what it is doing to me and help by either explaining where I am wrong, or do something. Not egg me up and tell me about further lies and money being paid.

 

the thing is we fly to Fiji for a week this weekend coming. I don't know what to do. I have to go or loose the money but I feel I should be breaking up and walking away while the iron is hot. My whinging and whining has now gone to anger and quite frankly, we shouldn't be around eachother, netherlone in a romantic bungalow on a desserted island for a week.

[Tony T]

First of all, it is NOT your place to confront this woman. If he doesn't have the testicles to stand his ground with her, then he is pretty sorry.

 

This has been a terrible ordeal for you. It has gone on all too long and it doesn't seem to have an end. This man will not change.

 

Tis better you should lose your money for your Fiji holiday and use the time away from him for packing and getting your affairs in order so you can quickly move.

 

You have been going through this stuff all too long and it is now time to bring this part of your life to a close. You have done everything you can, had all the discussions you need to, have felt ample pain abou this and you just don't need any more of it.

 

I am in total shock that he is asking YOU to confront her. That is NOT the sign of a man.

 

Get out as soon as possible. Fiji will be there when you are ready to go next time, with a MAN instead of a wimpish mouse.

[Deejette]

I had a similar situation with an ex-wife of a man who constantly complained to me about her. It seemed like half our conversation was about this woman that I couldn't care less about. But finally it was too much. I lost respect for him for being such a wimp about it. I didn't want his availabiity to be determined by whether or not she felt like taking the kids, her whims, and her ever-changing mind. In my breakup letter to him, I mentioned that this was one of the reasons. The fact that he tolerated hell for 22 years does not say much for his assertiveness.

 

I did not create this man's past mess-ups and neither did you. So then, why should they be your problem now?

First of all, it is NOT your place to confront this woman. If he doesn't have the testicles to stand his ground with her, then he is pretty sorry.

 

This has been a terrible ordeal for you. It has gone on all too long and it doesn't seem to have an end. This man will not change. Tis better you should lose your money for your Fiji holiday and use the time away from him for packing and getting your affairs in order so you can quickly move. You have been going through this stuff all too long and it is now time to bring this part of your life to a close. You have done everything you can, had all the discussions you need to, have felt ample pain abou this and you just don't need any more of it. I am in total shock that he is asking YOU to confront her. That is NOT the sign of a man.

 

Get out as soon as possible. Fiji will be there when you are ready to go next time, with a MAN instead of a wimpish mouse.