djfunnyboi79 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Hi there everyone I've been in a relationship with a wonderful guy for just over 2 years but lately I am beginning to doubt if we can go the distance. This is for a number of reasons. Firstly, we are in a gay relationship. He used to be married to a woman and has two kids with her, well I say kids but they're 17 and 21 now so pretty much grown up but still in full time education. The woman has met a new partner but he doesn't live with her and to be honest doesn't show any signs of wanting to.....worrying as they have been dating for over 3 years. I think there are a few reasons for this. My partner is paying his wife (they are not currently divorced) maintenance money, but way over what I think he should be paying - £1200 monthly. He pays for luxuries such as a full Sky TV package and he doesn't even live in the house anymore. He pays every single bill and even pays for the TV licence. His wife only pays for herself and in the past the two boys but one isn't even living there anymore as he is at university and the other will go to university next year. She only works part time too. I know he left her and it must have been hurtful, but it was over 5 years ago and he is really struggling financially right now. I've asked him to reduce the payments but he says it's none of my business what he pays her. I think this is unfair as it ultimately has an effect on us monthly. He pays me rent and pays towards my bills so there's nothing wrong on that score, I just don't like to see him struggle. That's why I think his wife's current partner won't move in as I think they'll know those payments would almost certainly stop or reduce. I think it's very unfair. Also, he is in regular touch with his ex bf....the one he left his wife for. I know they had a nasty break-up and I don't care much for this ex bf. I think he uses my partner when he wants him but my partner always lets him...that worries me a bit too. I did voice an opinion last year that I was worried about how much he was in touch with his ex and it stopped for a while. But during a recent argument he told me that the only reason he doesn't see his ex anymore is because I've made him feel awkward about it and in fact he is going to meet him in the next few weeks and help him move house. This might even involve an overnight stay, something I know I'll stuggle with. I trust him but I'm pretty insecure and this kind of stuff worries me. Am I being paranoid about both situations? It just seems my partner has a general problem with moving on - and it is causing problems in our relationship. Please help. D Link to post Share on other sites
creighton0123 Posted October 6, 2011 Share Posted October 6, 2011 Not sure about the laws in your country, but in America it is very typical for a spouse who leaves the household - who is the financial supporter of the family - to continue paying for many years (or even decades) enough to maintain the lifestyle of his ex-spouse. Pick your battles. He feels obligated to help support his ex-wife and his children. It is not uncommon for parents to support children still in university (or even after until they become financially independent). You need to work with your partner to resolve issues together, rather than existing in resentment and insecurity. He has financial obligations to his ex-wife and children. Those won't go away any time soon. Accept that. He has a friendship with an ex-boyfriend. As long as it is known that the two of you simultaneously expect a monogamous relationship, trust him until he proves otherwise. Make the relationship easy. Learn to let go of negative feelings. Work with your boyfriend so that he can assist you in letting go of negative feelings. Have regular discussions about what you like about the relationship, what you dislike, what you want more of, and what you want less of. Have him do the same with you. Until you can find balance together and support one another, you'll be perpetually stuck in this cycle where you attempt to inject solutions into his problems. He might not want to hear "Reduce your payments to her" or "I don't want you to see your ex anymore". He would most likely be more responsive and trusting if you take things easier on him. Back rubs, pick up household chores, unreciprocated sexual favors (you treat him), etc. Is your boyfriend the kind of guy who responds to receiving advice... or the kind of guy who responds to receiving support? They are two very different things and if you determine how you should treat him, he will be more responsive in what he should do to treat you. Either that... or you can continue to exchange these verbal stabs back and forth until you both tire of arguing. Link to post Share on other sites
Author djfunnyboi79 Posted October 9, 2011 Author Share Posted October 9, 2011 Hi there Thanks for the reply, it was really good and I get you. I'll try and bear all that in mind in the future and really make this relationship work. It'll take a certain amount of effort on my part but it's worth doing. Thank you again. Darrell Link to post Share on other sites
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