HELP! My current b/f still wants to be friends with his ex

[setsail]

I've been with my boyfriend for about 6 months. He has an ex that he was with for almost 2 years. We attend the same college so we are together most of the year. However, during breaks and such he goes home and she lives in his home town. He recently informed me that she has now applied, been accepted and will be attending out school in the fall. She calls several times a week and calls like clockwork on the weekends. Since he's been home they have been to the movies in a group as well and he says they will probably do more. He says that they are just friends but he thinks she probably still has feelings for him. I have tried to explain to him that I feel it's disrespectful and threatens my trust in him because of this 'friendship' he's having.

 

To me, he's leaving the door open to a person who obviously wants more than a friendship. He says he made a promise to her when they first broke up to always remain friends and he wants to keep it. My stance is, yes, I trust him, however, I do not have a reason to nor should I trust her. Also, I don't care how much he says he's over her, there are still memories and a past that only the two of them have. Why hang on to that? I also have an ex whom I know probably still has feelings for me however I do not have a friendship w/ him b/c i dont want to lead him on and I dont want to disrespect my current boyfriend by having this 'friendship.'

 

Am I wrong?? Am I overthinking this? Should I simply trust my boyfriend? What do I do?

[sportsloving]

When I go "home" to see my brothers, I still have ex boyfriends whom I consider pretty good friends and we will sometime meet up and hang out. There is no chance of us ever considering getting back together, we just have a great time.

 

And when I am with them, I don't remember the things of what we as a couple, it is mostly like "gee, remember the time I was so blonde that...:. All of them are now married, a few have children and I wouldn't do anything to hurt any of them. I guess I see it differently, but to me, I would trust the boyfriend til he gives you a solid reason not too.

 

Sometimes ex's make for good friends.

[magda]

I'm friends with all my ex-boyfriends, I'm proud to say. But... there ain't a one of 'em I call 5 times a week. Especially if they have a girlfriend. And .. especially since I have a boyfriend. She's pretty much blatantly stepping in between you two and he's practically given her an invitation.

 

It's like that guy you know that you're friends with but you know, he's flirting with you and you're not interested - and in fact, spoken for. When that happens, you let the guy down. Unless... you are interested in his being interested in you. For any number of reasons. So I think that you are right on in your perception and I also would "over-react" like you are doing.

 

It comes down to how you feel about it and what your relationship with him is like. If they talk so much, it would seem that she possibly knows more about him than you do. Like, if you're there when they talk, do you find out about his life second hand, just because you're in the room? If so, that's not a very good sign at all. Nope, nope. Your SO is supposed to be the one you share things with and work to strengthen the bond - not the one you have to placate and deflect so that you can get home in time to answer the phone. You have to evaluate that stuff yourself and decide where you stand 1 to 10 and where she stands 1 to 10 and decide if you're comfortable with those figures. If he's putting you second emotionally, to anyone, I personally wouldn't be down with that at all. There's plenty of people out there you might have a fulfilling relationship with so if you decide you don't have one, try and get one.

[faux]

If you are in a relationship with someone, you need to trust that your SO will do what is right. If your SO wants to be friends with an ex, then he has every right to be friends with his ex. Remember: You cannot pick and choose friends of others, or significant others. You did the right thing to express your discomfort, but it seems that you are not being very trusting of your boyfriend to be upset about this.

 

Again, trust that he will do the right thing. You could lock him up, and never leave his side, and even spy on him. If he was going to be unfaithful, or do something to hurt you, there is nothing that you could ever to to prevent it. Things will happen as they may. Be optimistic, focus on what you have now, and trust that he is going to be faithful to you. Also remember that if you were going to be unfaithful, or hurt him, there is nothing he or anyone could do in order to prevent it, either (Not saying you would, simply clarifying my point.)

 

I agree that this girl seems perhaps more attached than she ought to be, but I believe that your boyfriend can deal with the situation on his own just fine. Again, just keep the trust alive.

 

When you say that you do not have a reason "to trust her", what you are really saying, whether you like it or not, is.... "I do not trust my boyfriend." It takes two to cheat.

[poohbear]

Take this from me you can not tell your boyfriend who he can be friends with (even if it is an ex). YOu can however express your feelings about how much they talk. YOu can tell him that you don't mind that they are friends but you would rather they not talk everyday and if he cares enough about you he will cut down on the amount that they talk. If he doesn't and you are still upset about it then consider finding someone else. You want to be happy and if the things he does doesn't make you happy then you are the only one that can do something about it

[Shindig]

I just went through this with my boyfriend. You can't tell him who he can or can't be freinds with; that's not fair. On the other hand, he shouldn't do things that make you uncomfortable.

 

Remind him that you don't know her very well and don't really trust her motives for wanting to be friends with him. If he's just interested in being his friend, remind him that not having you around when the two of them are out may give her mixed signals, i.e. he's available. Its not really appropriate for him to be going out with her alone. She shouldn't have a private audience since she's no longer his girlfriend. If he goes to the movies with her, tag along (keep your friends close and your enemies closer, I always say). If that's not possible, just discuss it with him.

 

You can't help the way you feel and you can work on it, but its not fair for you to work on it by yourself, that's not what a relaitonship is. On top of that, if she's still got a thing for him even though he's moved on and dating someone new, chasing after someone she can't have will make her miserable. It sounds like your guy is trying to make everyone happy and that's not necessarily a bad thing, but you can't make eveyone happy because everyone wants something different.

 

When you discuss it tho, don't make it "me or her". Talk about how you feel but at the same time, make it clear that you're not going to ditch him just because of this.

 

I've been seeing my boyfriend for 7 months now and he dated his ex for 2 years. He saw how much it upset me when she would routinely invite him to dinner and not invite me and we managed to work it out. (e-mail me for a funny story about that).

 

Good luck, let me know how it goes.

[Thinkalot]

Basically, you need to set boundaries which suit you both. He stays friends with the ex for example, but perhaps contact between them gets reduced. It seems a bit too much to me, and would also make me feel uncomfortable....so I would try to find a compromise. That's worked for my partner and I.