Husband Berates Wife, Yet Hangs for His Every Attention - Normal?

[Joyce23]

Hi Everyone,

 

I did not have a good example of marriage growing up, and sometimes have questions as to what is healthy and unhealthy in a marital relationship. (I am currently single -- never married.)

 

I know a couple that has been married almost 30 years. They are very much in love. However, whenever they are together, the wife seeks constant approval from her husband. She often says things and then seeks out his response ... or makes a joke and waits for his laugh. If he ignores her or acts apathetic, she looks very hurt -- almost crushed. His "rejection" is like his way of controlling or punishing her.

 

Also, he makes jokes about her ... often in bad taste about her weight or inappropriate details about their relationship. When he does this, she either laughs or pretends she didn't hear him -- she never gets visably upset over it.

 

Is any of this normal for a marriage? Thanks for any input.

 

Joyce

[supermom]

no, not at all. It sounds as if they are having alot of problems in their marriage, or that she is, unfortunately, contolled very much so.

 

My husband and I very much respect each other, and never degrate each other, especially in front of other people.

 

Of course, no marriage is perfect, but I think the basics are trust. love, and respect each other.

[magda]

Some people secretly thrive on degradation and like to be controlled. Not that it's healthy, for either person, but it sounds like a suitable match anyway, I would say. They say there's a perfect someone for everyone, right? Passed the test of time, probably wouldn't do so well on an ink blot test.

[Jacksin]

Joyce your friend sounds emotionally insecure and looks to her husband for assurance. How either of them could live like that for so many years amazes me. For him to make jokes about her is childish and immature and proves he does not love her. This marriage is far from normal (in fact its a receipe for how not to live) and will eventually end one way or another. What on earth will this woman do should she suddenly lose her domineering husband, shrivel up and die?

 

I have always preferred the women in my life have a bit of backbone, be independant in thought and deed.

 

Jack

[Joyce23]

This follow-up question might be really stupid .... but if their marriage works becuase the husband has some deep emotional need to dominate, and the wife has a need to be controlled ... is here any real harm in it?

 

Joyce

[Jacksin]

I guess there are varying degrees of domination from small things through to sexual domination (which can get pretty sick) down to movement domination, where he will not let her leave the house or do other everyday things.

I repeat what I posted earlier, he does not love nor respect her and is simply playing mind games. In time he will get bored and want to try other more serious dominating 'games' to amuse himself and further belittle her.

 

This relationship is doomed to failure for when she tries to walk away, he wont let her go, and things could end up quite tragic

GoodLuck

Jack

[FolderWife]

My husband makes jokes about me in front of his uncle...who makes jokes about his wife NONSTOP. However, his wife laughs right along, and makes a joke right back at him. I get MAD when my husband does this to me. I think it's VERY disrespectful. However, he does not stop.

 

His whole family runs around throwing off on each other. My husband does this to me at home as well. He doesn't make fun of my appearance, or our personal life in front of other people...he just makes fun of how stupid that I am in front of other people.

 

His uncle, however, makes fun of his wife's intelligence, looks, speach, EVERYTHING.

 

I had a private talk with her recently, and I asked her if she loved him, and she gave a resounding YES. She went on to describe other parts of their relationship that we outsiders never see.

 

Oh well, to each his own. My husband takes offense when I get mad at him for picking on me, and he keeps insisting, "I'm just playing!" and when I tell him, "Well it's not funny, and I'M NOT PLAYING," he gets upset....

 

Then proceeds to make fun of me again in his next breath.

 

I HATE THIS. I wish my husband would respect me like I'm a human, but he refuses. I don't know why he just cant' get that I don't like his jokes, SO QUIT JOKING. Then he blames it on me, and says that I'm too touchy, or that I'm such a cry baby.

 

UGH!

[Fancy]

It sounds like both of them suffer from very low self esteem. Her constant need for approval is proof of that, as is his need to berate her. Making her look small is the only way he can feel big. They feed off of each other's insecurities.

[Jacksin]

Monday, I dont know what to make of you.

You wander from post to post in this forum stating just how unhappy you are in your marriage. What do you want??? We cant wave a magic wand and make it better, we can only give advice that you choose to ignore by not being far more assertive with this man.

 

I suspect you know the answer already, that your marriage in in serious trouble and could have even passed a point of no return, because your husband doesnt RESPECT you. He can say he loves you, but talk is cheap, actions prove what he truly means.

 

So now the answer to your problems >>> Tell your husband you will leave him unless he shows you some respect! Give him a week and in that time if he ever so much as gets close to belittling you, have a bag packed and walk out.

 

This is the last time I will respond to your posts as we are all running around in circles like headless chooks trying to explain your alternatives, which are obvious to everyone but you.

Jack

[krbshappy71]

Originally posted by Jacksin

Monday, I dont know what to make of you.

You wander from post to post in this forum stating just how unhappy you are in your marriage. What do you want???

Jack

 

 

Um, Jack, in this case I'd say she was sticking to the topic. As long as she is sticking to the topics I don't see a problem with her venting to others who are in a similar situation. Isn't that the beauty of this site? To connect with others who feel the same way?

 

I know you are possibly tired of trying to help but no one is forcing you to make suggestions to her. Don't wear yourself out. Let her post as she wishes.

 

My Two Cents.

[mywife'smanalways]

Sorry, jacksin, but I just couldn't help it. What is a 'chook' anyway?

[NatoPMT]

This relationship is doomed to failure

 

the original posters friends have been married close on 30 years

 

What is a 'chook' anyway?

 

its a chicken. i have seen 'Neighbours' so i know. gold star for me please.

[Moose]

Jacksin,

I don't think it's fair for you to say that this husband doesn't love his wife. I've also noticed in most of your posts that you are definite in most of your answers. I don't know what kind of crystal ball you have, but if it can tell you exactley how people feel, and what the future holds, I want to borrow it sometime!!!

 

As far as my advice and my thoughts on this thread, It seems to me that perhaps both of these people could've suffered bad experiences within their parents marriage and was raised with the inclination that this is the way marriage should be. It could very well be that the husband loves his wife dearly but is playing the role of husband the way he was taught to.

 

It's hard to tell what the problem there is, or even to say that it's ok to be this way in a marriage. I would say it depends on the husband and wife. It's like my brother and I argueing over if my wife should work or not. I prefer she stay at home and take care of the kids....then when they are grown up and gone she can do whatever she wants. He seems to think her place is to help out with our finances by working. It's just a matter of personal preference.

[Jacksin]

Sure Moose you can borrow my crystal ball, once you have learnt how to use it.

 

While you have given a poor comparison, of your wife working or not, go back to the original thread of how the husband takes cheap shots at his wife about her weight and other personal things. These are not the actions of a person who cares for another. Moose do you insult your wife, in front of friends, about her but size or her sexual performance? I would hope not. See how its way different than who works or not!!

 

If these people have been together for over 30 years they must be happy in each others misery. If they carry on like this when with other company they would be the first to be dropped off my 'shrimp on the barby' list.

 

Geesh what a way to live.

 

Jack

[FolderWife]

I feel a need to comment on this again.

 

I mentioned before that my husband has an aunt and uncle that have been together 20 years, and do this same thing..sort of.

 

The husband will belittle his wife, and call her stupid names, and say she's ugly, but he'll do it in a joking manner. I think this is AWEFUL, and I told my husband so at the beginning of our marriage. I told him that I did not think their marriage was a good, healthy one, and he was not to treat me that way. He argued that I didn't know what I was talking about, and I didn't know that they didn't love each other.

 

The more I got to know them, and the more I watched them, I realized that she genuinely doesn't care that he makes fun of her. In fact, she makes it look like that's his way of showing affection towards her

 

My husband started doing this around the house, and at first, I'd call him on it, and get mad, and mope around, and everything else.

 

He doesn't ever berate my appearance (although he will make comments like, "watch your dimples" or, "we need to stop eating out, because 'we' are getting fat"<--his way of saying I'm putting on pounds, while including himself as not to hurt my feelings....I'm not too stupid to read between THOSE lines) but he will make comments that I'm stupid, and make a funny face to follow it. I tell him to quit acting like his uncle.

 

Now, though, I do see his play picking as affection. I still dont' like it, and I want him to change, but sometimes I'll invite it, because it's one of the few ways he shows affection.

 

He's like a little boy in kindergarten who has a crush on a girl, so he puts dirt in her hair

 

I noticed the love in the eyes of our aunt and uncle, but the words coming out of their mouths didn't spell love to me at all. I asked her flat out one time if she and her husband loved each other, and she gave me a fast YES.

 

So I guess to us outsiders who don't actually live in the marriage or relationship can't really see what kind of love this couple has. Some couples are gushy and romantic in private, but in front of others, they belittle one another. The husband may not want to look like a weakling in front of others, since he loves his wife so much, and it may actually hurt her that he does this. She may have spent the last 30 years throwing fits on him, because he berates her in front of others, but he may not have changed himself, and she just accepted it.

 

We don't see what goes on behind closed doors, so we really don't know what their marriage is like. I don't like being belittled in front of others...playing or not....but my husband does it sometimes, and I sometimes will call him on it, but most of the time, I just play right along, and pick back.

 

My husband and I are having marital difficulties right now, so anything he does, including playpicking, hurts me. I am in a sensitive spot right now.

 

My aunt and uncle are in love, and he belittles her all the time in front of us and his friends. Like I said, though, it could be his way of showing affection, and they could be completely different when no one's around.

[Moose]

Jacksin,

Of course I don't make fun of my wife's size or butt, I can't, that would be like telling Dolly Parton her boobs are too small!! And she's extremely intellegent, so making fun of her is like setting your own trap. Anyway, yeah I guess it was a poor example, but, it did get my point across. And it looks to me that Monday agrees. So anyway, I hope the best for this couple whatever it may be.

Later

Moose