She thinks it was all a lie?

[jyoun]

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 3+ years. We were both each others first real relationship and are currently in our late 20s. We were friends for about a year before dating, I asked her out. I was not sure at the time if I wanted to marry her and have kids and all that, but I took the plunge because I really liked her. I'm glad I did, because we worked really well together and had a lot of fun and romance, never argued or even disagreed on much of anything. Except after about a year it became clear to both of us she was eager to "move forward" and I wasn't. I wasn't ever sure if it was because I didn't love her enough, or that I was not ready, or what. She wanted to break up because of this but I convinced her to give me more time to try and figure things out. Well 2 year pass and we're still "stuck" in the same place, and while my feelings and comfort with her are slowly growing it's also starting to really hurt her. She "broke up" with me for the third time and this time I did not try to convince her to reconsider and give me more time. I feel we broke up for the right reasons: 3 years is simply too long for one of us to not be "sure".

 

Another aspect of our breakup is that my best friend is a girl. We've been friends practically our whole life and is someone I can talk to about everything. My now ex-girlfriend somehow believes I've loved this other girl the entire time and was using her as a replacement. This came to my attention as we were breaking up. She got extremely angry and started throwing stuff around as she kicked me out. But it wasn't true and I tried to explain that, but she wouldn't let me. Soon after, I tried again to convince her that my friend and I are just friends and I never had any intention of going out with her. It apparently is not working though and she is claiming my love for her this entire time had been one big lie, and that I should be ashamed of myself for treating her with such cruetly. She knew going into the relationship I had this friend and we were close, and she was always seemingly cool with it. But now she's accusing me of something that isn't true and wants to, I dunno, guilt me into thinking this was all my fault and I'm a bad person? She even tried to tell me I would've been better off beating her to a bloody pulp with a baseball bat... my heart shattered reading those words because I've never expressed anything anywhere near anger or violence

 

Well, I'm willing to assume this rage is all out of angry and stress, and I hope in time she realizes all my words to her were true and that what we had was beautiful but it just wasn't working. I believe two people can love each other immensely but if certain needs aren't met that it won't always work. I feel like she is maybe unwilling to understand this concept, and it hurts me to think she and her family now think of me as some cheating, lieing evil person... I suppose that's something I need to just get over, right?

 

The worst of it all, by FAR, is that I am extremely worried about her now. She obviously took the breakup really bad, I'm scared she'll hurt herself even. I tried hard to follow all the advice I could get to try and break it slowly and give her space with NO CONTACT. She initiated the break up though, saying "it's over" but I had to clear the confusion about my best friend and I... well that apparently didn't work so well... but anyways, I just got a message yesterday from her mom telling me what a horrible person I am for misleading and damaging her daughter... I just don't get it... I never promised anything to her daughter, was always open about my unsureness, always talked in a calm respecting manner and listened to her concerns daily. I respected her mom immensely and was shocked to read these baseless accusations towards me from them (saying things like I've alreayd replaced her, and that she bets "people like you have no problem sleeping at night", etc...) I really thought they'd understand this was best for both of us and we did the responsible thing and would hold some kind of respect, but now I'm some evil enemy to them? That idea makes me really sick, I'm barely able to move around thinking about this...

 

I guess I'm struggling most because I want to help her cope with this. Want to try again to convince her that I do care... I've not contacted either her or or parents since the breakup, and it's only been a couple weeks... but, should I let things slide and leave them to believe I lied about loving her? Or should I try to set the record straight, try again to convince her I do care and that what we had was true but simply didn't work? I think I know the answer to that... I'm just not used to having people hate and misinterpret me, so maybe that's it.... I dunno.... thanks for reading, this probably helps

 

-James

Edited October 6, 2011 by jyoun

[jyoun]

She just sent me an email, still convinced I treated her cruelly. I have not responded. She did ask me what needs of mine she was not meeting, she wanted to know... but then at the end of the rant she said any email I send her she'd not read and delete right away.

 

I have not broke NC since we broke up, and don't intend to anytime soon. But, what if she needs some sort of closure? I've been toying with the idea of meeting up with her to really flesh things out. She is misinterpreting my words, jumping to the most negative conclusions about how I felt and about how I treated her. I have never assumed to know how she feels about anything yet she somehow knows what I'm thinking, feeling and what my true intentions have been all along... all of which were NOT in her best interest.

 

I don't believe she'll be convinced otherwise, but if she asks for closure, if she asks me to speak with her in person... should I go for it? It's only been two weeks now... I feel horrible for not contacting her, like my silence is reassuring her false accusations towards me. She is convinced she did nothing wrong and I deserve all the blame, yet she is not listening to my words which I feel spoke the truth. She is twisting them to fit into some evil scheme of mine to hurt her. I keep dreaming about her, dreaming that I'm falling in love with her the way she deserves, and we're both finally happy and complete. I dream about missing her, about her pain and how it is eating away at her and turning her bad.

 

I want so much to ease her pain and set the record straight... is there no hope for that now?

 

-James

[jyoun]

I still worry about her and wish I could help her, but really feel it's out of my hands. I can only hope she sees that it was all true, what I said. I loved her and wanted to be with her, not this other friend of mine...

 

Despite that, I'm feeling now as if I'm relieved. In our relationship there was always this "pins and needles" feeling, as if anything I said would set her off into anger and dispair. So we never really got very close emotionally. I'd try to gently lure her inner feelings out, what she went through as a younger child, why she is so sad and displeased with herself.. and got close to understanding but it was like pulling teeth and she'd typically get uncomfortable. Maybe I should've tried harder, but I feared it would turn me into her enemy. Well, I'm her enemy now, it seems... maybe she'll eventually see I wanted in, I wanted to help her!?

 

We should've gone to counceling, that's my biggest regret. Even though I sensed she was not the one for me, maybe doing that would've brought us closer and my love for her would grow to match hers for me? Maybe this is still a possibility? Or maybe that would just tease her and set her up for an even harder fall if it still didn't work out?

 

I feel like a jerk in a lot of ways. Sometimes I believe what she and her mom said about me, about how I "used" her while I waited for something better to come along... I don't really believe that, and each day that goes by I am more convinced that all these accusations of theirs were more based on anger then they were truth.

 

When do I know how long to go before contacting her again? Should I even try ever, or just leave her alone now and let her believe what she wants for the rest of her life? I can't stand that there is a person I care about that truly believes what she is saying she believes. Does anyone think she'll see things differently ever? I am not familiar with anger like this, if it can take over one's senses and makes them believe things that they'd have no idea were true.

 

Thanks for reading my ramblings... if you have, that is

Edited October 12, 2011 by jyoun

[YSS]

Your former girlfriend is deeply hurt. As you mentioned, in your years together you got along well and had much love. She was indecisive or uncertain aboutnher feelings for you or what she wanted for the future. You did not have the same certainty and when she called you on it, you did not want things to end and asked for more time. No relationship, nor person is without issues or faults. To be fair to your ex, she did not break up with you cause of uncertainty for her feelings, rather she wanted to move Forward and you were in neutral. From an ego, that's rejection, plain and simple.

She perhaps is left feeling misled and strung along for the past two years and as such she concludes it was all a lie. Not saying you intentionally strung her along, but I suspect you knew all along what she wanted in the future for the two of you and perhaps tried to buy yourself some time, hoping you too would want it. At the end, she got hurt. Plain and simple. Is she handling itnthe best, perhaps not, but that does not make her crazy. She is hurt, feels strung along, the man she was certain about, is not certain about her and does not want a future with her.

You may feel bad, but her pain is far worse. Not sure how you can make her see it differently. When couples have serious "issues" it's easier to come to terms how you are not right for one another. I get the sense, this was not your situation and you just do not see yourself committed to her fornthenlong haul. That's tough for the other person to take.

[jyoun]

Yes I realize her pain is FAR worse then mine and she is not crazy. I'm mostly worried about how she's coping with this, especially considering her and her moms untrue attacks on me. I'm concerned that if she honestly believes she meant nothing to me all this time, then she's hurting herself even more... is this sort of denial a coping mechanism? Should I try to at some point convince her what her and her mom were saying about me was simply not true?

 

Thanks for your response

[sadprincess]

jyoun,

 

this situation sounds very similar to mine. except i am in your girlfriend's shoes. my ex told me he's been feeling like he has "no future" with me for past 2 years. i knew his parents were strict (we are different races), but he was good to me and i was convinced he loved me. we'd break up here and there, but he always came running back (skipping work, school, etc...really showing me how much i effect him). so i was misled. if he felt this way for 2 years, then he should have dumped me 2 years ago. similar to your situation, you were unsure that your ex was who you wanted to spend the future with.

 

well his new job, new life (long distance), i compare that to your friend girl. my ex said he just can no longer be with me anymore because the whole parents-future thing bothers him and he's scared. i, like your girlfriend, don't see what he's telling me. all i see is that he has this new job, new friends, new co-workers, new life that he rather enjoy. he keeps denying. i don't believe him.

 

why? because if a man loved me, he'd be there for me. I lost a job because i did not pass an exam. i have to wait until a few months for the re-take. and even if i pass, i won't get a job in that particular field until june. i applied to all types of jobs...coffee shops, movie theatre, to jobs that i could use my degree in. but its a small town, and no one seems to be hiring. i have a good family to support me in the meantime. i'm a good person, i don't spend money (haven't shopped forever). no job, no driving (so i don't even spend money on gas). i have some savings from student loans/past job. so i'm not "needy" in terms of money. but i am needy of a friend. and my ex was also my best friend. we hardly ever discussed about me because he's job was stressful and he always vented to me. i was there for him, to be his ear. and i don't know what happened...but all of a sudden, he changed on me, talked to me different, never listen when i finally have something to talk about.

 

he abandoned me. i told him today he was cruel. i asked him, why now? why not after my exam? or after when i establish a job again? yes, he owes me NOTHING, but a 3+ year relationship and he claims he still loves me....yes, i would only assume that s the right thing...to take care of your loved one in hard times. but i told him he doesn't love me. if he did, he wouldnt kick a horse when its already down. he claims, "its not true, its not true, i do love you."

 

Lies! i told him he used me the whole time during school. that i was an ear for him, that i was a physical body for him, that i was a study partner for him. now...different states....out of sight, out of mind.

 

not only do i feel academically stupid for having to fail that exam that had cost me a job, i feel ugly, worthless, used. like i literally feel like i'm a waste to society now.

 

getting back to your post. what you did to her, i'm sorry, but you really hurt her, and maybe messed her up psychologically (because that's how i'm feeling). i have suicidal thoughts, even more so (cause my ex never initiates to contact me).

 

you have no obligations to her. but if you ever truly loved her, you'll see how's she's doing. or write her a long email explaining everything. not just one liners...here and there. prove to her why your friend girl is not an issue. just saying it, you can't expect her to believe. but if you describe in detail your relationship w/ friend girl is indeed just a friendship...then that helps you know. just be honest, and explain thoroughly. a person you love deserves that. and if you dont love her, then thats that then.

[jyoun]

sadprincess,

Thank you for taking the time to write that. You sound like such a good, strong person. I wish the best for you. If you ever feel like writing more, I'll gladly listen. I've definitely found that speaking your heart and mind, especially during your more vulnerable moments, can help tremendously.

 

I did write her a few long emails at the time of our breakup, trying to explain my relationship with my friend, and how I've no interest in her and tried to convince her each time how much I loved her but felt things just weren't all there. She simply doesn't believe me I'm afraid. After she read my words she responded that she believed me, but then recently she responded saying it was all a lie and I should be ashamed of myself for prolonging her pain with false heartfelt letters. I can only hope that in time, she'll reread my words and believe them to be true. My biggest regret is that I didn't just try and speak with her in person, read the letters out loud... maybe if she saw my face she'd believe me?

 

She also said "anger is my salvation", so I'm starting to think if she truly believes I "used" her as some kind of "replacement" for my friend, and that I'm now going out with my friend... if she truly believes all those things she accused me of and her anger over that is helping her cope by masking a much greater pain of sadness of losing me based on something she was partly responsible for (ie, "we didn't meet each other's needs") then I'm willing to give her that false sense of blame. I'm starting to get over this idea that she thinks I'm a liar. I told the truth, in detail, and I'm not responsible now for what she believes or feels. I wish I could change her mind and heart, but I can't.

 

I am worried about her suicidal thoughts, but feel now they are subsiding. She and I both have Google email accounts and hers auto dials into chat, so I can see when she's online or not... this is comforting to me, to at least know she's alive. She's probably watching one of her many internet TV shows... I know she was looking forward to "The New Girl" because she loves that actress, so I imagine her watching that and maybe relating a bit? She actually kinda looks like her (she would tell me that actress is the one person she'd want to look like if she could change her face/body)

 

Anyways, I'm not sure how long it's been for you, but I am planning, and looking forward, to the time when I can reach out to her and see how she'd doing. I did write to her that I hoped she could forgive me enough one day to let me know how she's doing... I just feel like right now, at this moment in time, it would do more harm then good. I know she's alive, she's probably crying to her mom everyday, maybe not as much now, I'm not sure... but she does have great friends and family around her that I imagine are helping her though this. I can also imagine all these people think I'm some kind of cheating scum or something... but I'm getting over that pretty easily becasue I know I'm not that, not even close.

 

The timing was particularly cruel though. We had tickets to go see a show we were both really looking forward to (Fleet Foxes) and for her birthday next February we were going to see the Phantom of the Opera (she loves it)... but breaking up is almost never convenient. You can definitely learn from it though. I think the biggest thing I learned was to follow my instincts more, and listen to my heart. I imagine what it would've been like had we broke up after 1 year... it probably would've been less pain, but we shared so many AMAZING memories these past few years.... it's a really tough thing to imagine, but I know it was probably not worth it for her because she was probably convinced I'd eventually marry her and have kids...

 

I dunno what to say... it's rough... hang in there...

 

thank you SO MUCH for listening, it really made my day

[solobeary]

As another girl who is in a similar reverse-situation you are in, I agree with everything sadprincess said.

 

My boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me a few months ago for similar reasons as you stated. We went through some really hard things that were outside of both of our control one year into the relationship, and while I pulled him in closer to get through it, he pushed me away to get through it. Ever since that, I always had a niggling feeling that I loved him more than he loved me, which he always denied when I (rarely) brought it up. Then he broke up with me in July basically because he said he knew he was going to hurt me (he already had by being really distant).

 

Your girlfriend must feel awful right now, think of how you are feeling and times that by ten. In your case you seem like a decent guy, so you're girlfriend can't just say "he's an arsehole, I'm better off without him" (though I'm sure you can understand why she's trying to do that just to survive). Instead, it's rejection from the person that you love and respect most in the world. It's horrible, it ****s with you, you can't help but feel SO bad about yourself. You can't help but think things like "If the one person I would do anything for couldn't love me enough me, what kind of horrible, unloveable person must I be?"

 

In my humble opinion, if you really want her to hurt a tiny bit less, I would write your girlfriend a letter explaining everything in detail. She must have so many questions, try and answer them. Tell her things that are lovely about her, tell her she'll get through it, she's tough, and she'll find someone that treats her like she deserves. Tell her that another guy out there will love her as much as she deserves, as much as she loved you. Apologise for stringing her along for three years and not being able to give her what she gave you in terms of love, that's a really long time and she's going to fall hard. Then say that you can't be in contact any more because you don't want to make things messier than they already are, it's not because you hate her because you respect her and want her to be happy, but just that it's really hard for you to do this but you both need to heal on your own.

 

Just my opinion, but I know if I was her I would be thinking the absolute worst, and the letter would make me feel better (I know this for a fact because my ex sent me one which did make healing easier and I'm in a better place now). Just my opinion, though, others may completely disagree.

Edited October 13, 2011 by solobeary

[jyoun]

I would write your girlfriend a letter explaining everything in detail.

I have written her a couple of those now, detailed letters trying to explain everything, and almost EXACTLY in the order you put it... she thought I was being condescending and my attempts to comfort her were not genuine, and those letters were, as she put it: "messing with my head"...

 

Thanks for the response. I feel like trying to write another letter to her, but she has stated she'll trash anything I try to send her, so I'm going to wait... maybe she'll contact me when she'd ready to listen again? I just don't know how long to go with the NC...

[sadprincess]

well at least you tried and explained yourself. because you two have dated so long, its a lot to take in for her. she will never get it. if you werent that into her, you should've just ended it sooner. she probably feel used.

 

but you tried, and if she refuses to respond, then she probably needs space. if my ex contacted me, i would want emails/texts/calls etc... i don't have that closure. i dont' get it, i'm confused, so i would want to know details. but if she specifically said not to contact her and that if you do, she'd erase it anyways...then you should just give her some space.

 

i think people get angry (people like me)...madly angry when things just don't make sense:

 

if you knew she wasn't the one a long time ago...why not let her go a long time ago. continuing with a relationship with a partner who never thought this way is misleading. whether you have fights about the subject before or not, the fact that you stayed had given her hope, that love can grow. so its misleading.

 

if you are "IN" love with a person, you would n't do it. you can tell her the truth and say you "love her as a friend."....the truth hurts, and makes her angry...really angry and sad....but it's NOT misleading. and her hating you will help her move on. I wish my ex would just say it to me so that I would truly hate him and move on. but he put me in the grayzone like what you're doing to her. because truth of the matter is, you love her like a friend, not "love...love" her.

 

if you say your friend girl is merely a friend...then do you get angry being accused of something so "irrational". or do you just say, "no..no..she's my friend and just my friend." i honest to god feel that if someone accuses you of a lie, then that person would say, "WTH??? How could you say that? my gosh, she's nothing more than a friend...i could never in my life see her as such. she' s like a sister! how could you accuse me of that? etc..etc." Do you try to convince her with angry passionate words filled with resentment that she made such an accusation? if not, she'll never believe you. pretend if you were sitting in front of a judge being falsely accused of something, wouldn't that anger you, scream and yell? because its false right, then you should defend yourself.

 

why now? why this very moment? why not after the concert? (hey at least her bday is next year, my bday is this weekend and my ex dumped me a week b/f my bday). but why did you leave her this very moment? what is going thru your head? were you honest with her? what made you trigger that that was THE day to end it? in her mind, she's probably thinking...gosh there's gotta be someone else he's after, because if he's been feeling this way for sooooo long, then why now? what's the trigger? is must be someone else he's prepping time for. That's what's going thru her mind.

 

you have to be honest with yourself. what are you looking for in a woman? what made you stay with her for this long when she wasn't the one? did you use her? was she someone to talk to, someone to hang out with?

 

until you're honest with urself, and be honest with her, she'll never trust you. it doesn't matter how bad the truth hurts. i wish my ex would just flat out say, "I lost love for you and that's why you're not the one. I want to go out and meet new people." That's hurtful and mean....but for some reason, if he could just be honest with me....i could have closure. but no, i'm in the gray zone.... he still loves me but can't be with me zone. ugh. i want to hate him, like truly hate him...so I can be set free.

 

------this is all speaking from a dumpee's perspective, of a girl who's in a very very similar situation as your ex-------------

 

but...everyone is different.

[jyoun]

if you knew she wasn't the one a long time ago...why not let her go a long time ago

I didn't know.

 

why did you leave her this very moment? what is going thru your head? were you honest with her? what made you trigger that that was THE day to end it?

It was actually her decision to end things. This was during a time when my best friend was going through hell with a nasty breakup. My friend was getting physically abused, on the brink of death, and my friend needed me. I would tell my ex about how concerned and preoccupied I was with fear for my best friends life. It was the next day when she started accusing me of having feelings for this friend. I think at the time I was just too exhausted to feel any sort of anger. I am angry as I type this now, though, for the first time maybe... how could she accuse me of such things? Did she really think I was such a despicable person to think of my dieing friend as my next "love interest"? I never thought of it this way until now... and this was days before my birthday even... and on my birthday I got the NASTY letter from her mom... It seems like they just layed into me. But I didn't feel pain or anger then. I was numb. I was distracted trying to save my friends life... My friend is better now, and I think that's why I didn't think of any of this until now... geez, wtf... I don't know what to think about all this now... was I not sensitive enough? Should I have left my dying friend on the sidelines as I tried to focus on my emotional GF? She seemed so supportive of my trying to help my friend, but maybe she was jealous in some way? I dunno... I'm starting to feel sick now...

 

 

sadprincess, thank you for writing me. It does sound like what I imagine my ex going through. This "grey zone" you speak of in particular. If your ex had cheated on you, or abused you, do you think it might've given you a good reason to hate him, and that may've made things easier? Perhaps, like me, he was in a sort of "gray zone" in his not really understanding what he was feeling. I felt as though my heart was floating in space, not knowing which was up or down... obviously I can't speak for your ex. no harm intended. It's all pretty messy... and it sucks...

Edited October 14, 2011 by jyoun

[sadprincess]

jyoun,

 

your last post actually sounded heart-felt, passionate, emotional. because all your other posts, you sounded like a super nice guy who just gave up and feels guilty for hurting someone....and rather nonchalant about the whole situation.

 

okay. your friend girl was in an abusive relationship, which I'm glad you were there for her and may have saved her life. but would you have done exactly the same thing if it was a guy friend of yours (cuz girls can be psycho too). You have to be honest with yourself. would you have invested as much time in your friend girl if it were someone else? If you can honestly say yes (and you don't have to be honest on this site), but be honest to yourself....that you would do this for all your close friends/family...then you are truly noble.

 

but if i was your ex.........this is what I see, you were a knight and shining armor for your friend, while your gf needed you too. So times you coulda spent with ur ex, you spent with your friend. And not only did she have to share her time with you with someone else, its' a "coincidence" to her that now your friend girl is single...and you don't fight to win back your girlfriend? (I reread ur inital post...she broke up w/ u but u didn't fight for her).

 

She didn't break up with you because she cheated, she lied, she stole, nor did anything bad. She broke up with you because she "thought" you were through with her. So why not take her back if she was actually wrong?

You were emotionally done with her, but just didn't have the heart to admit it to yourself or her.

 

I love my friends and i'm pretty loyal. but i'm not my friend's parents, big brother/sister. I'll be there for my friend like any friend would be. a friend should be treated like a friend. a girlfriend should be treated like a girlfriend. and you chose to be there for friend girl more than your gf.

 

There's truth to every that may appear to be a lie. but its up to you to recognize it. we all want to be good hearted people, but life happens and people fall out of love or in love with someone else unintentionally.

 

if you loved your girlfriend, and she's crazy for thinking something is false--> you 'd be running to her.

 

but since you're not, you have to ask yourself why?

why were you there for friend girl, but now that your ex is an emotional wreck, you're not there for her?

 

what power does friend girl have that ex doesnt?

Edited October 14, 2011 by sadprincess
typos

[sadprincess]

and ur kinda more hung up on you not looking like the bad guy than wanting to be with her.

 

its apparent that you have a great deal of love for people important in your life, but for someone who invested so much time in your relationship, you kinda gave up on her.

 

it doesn't make sense to me. so i'm sure it doesnt make sense to her.

and you can tell her a million things.....like what i just told my ex........"actions outshine words that are texted."

[Farrah]

TRUST WAS BROKEN SOMEWHERE ALONG THE WAY...ONCE BROKEN IS PRETTY MUCH IRREPAIRABLE.

*From that point on even when you tell the truth your partner will feel you lied.

 

 

I recently broke up with my girlfriend of 3+ years. We were both each others first real relationship and are currently in our late 20s. We were friends for about a year before dating, I asked her out. I was not sure at the time if I wanted to marry her and have kids and all that, but I took the plunge because I really liked her. I'm glad I did, because we worked really well together and had a lot of fun and romance, never argued or even disagreed on much of anything. Except after about a year it became clear to both of us she was eager to "move forward" and I wasn't. I wasn't ever sure if it was because I didn't love her enough, or that I was not ready, or what. She wanted to break up because of this but I convinced her to give me more time to try and figure things out. Well 2 year pass and we're still "stuck" in the same place, and while my feelings and comfort with her are slowly growing it's also starting to really hurt her. She "broke up" with me for the third time and this time I did not try to convince her to reconsider and give me more time. I feel we broke up for the right reasons: 3 years is simply too long for one of us to not be "sure".

 

Another aspect of our breakup is that my best friend is a girl. We've been friends practically our whole life and is someone I can talk to about everything. My now ex-girlfriend somehow believes I've loved this other girl the entire time and was using her as a replacement. This came to my attention as we were breaking up. She got extremely angry and started throwing stuff around as she kicked me out. But it wasn't true and I tried to explain that, but she wouldn't let me. Soon after, I tried again to convince her that my friend and I are just friends and I never had any intention of going out with her. It apparently is not working though and she is claiming my love for her this entire time had been one big lie, and that I should be ashamed of myself for treating her with such cruetly. She knew going into the relationship I had this friend and we were close, and she was always seemingly cool with it. But now she's accusing me of something that isn't true and wants to, I dunno, guilt me into thinking this was all my fault and I'm a bad person? She even tried to tell me I would've been better off beating her to a bloody pulp with a baseball bat... my heart shattered reading those words because I've never expressed anything anywhere near anger or violence

 

Well, I'm willing to assume this rage is all out of angry and stress, and I hope in time she realizes all my words to her were true and that what we had was beautiful but it just wasn't working. I believe two people can love each other immensely but if certain needs aren't met that it won't always work. I feel like she is maybe unwilling to understand this concept, and it hurts me to think she and her family now think of me as some cheating, lieing evil person... I suppose that's something I need to just get over, right?

 

The worst of it all, by FAR, is that I am extremely worried about her now. She obviously took the breakup really bad, I'm scared she'll hurt herself even. I tried hard to follow all the advice I could get to try and break it slowly and give her space with NO CONTACT. She initiated the break up though, saying "it's over" but I had to clear the confusion about my best friend and I... well that apparently didn't work so well... but anyways, I just got a message yesterday from her mom telling me what a horrible person I am for misleading and damaging her daughter... I just don't get it... I never promised anything to her daughter, was always open about my unsureness, always talked in a calm respecting manner and listened to her concerns daily. I respected her mom immensely and was shocked to read these baseless accusations towards me from them (saying things like I've alreayd replaced her, and that she bets "people like you have no problem sleeping at night", etc...) I really thought they'd understand this was best for both of us and we did the responsible thing and would hold some kind of respect, but now I'm some evil enemy to them? That idea makes me really sick, I'm barely able to move around thinking about this...

 

I guess I'm struggling most because I want to help her cope with this. Want to try again to convince her that I do care... I've not contacted either her or or parents since the breakup, and it's only been a couple weeks... but, should I let things slide and leave them to believe I lied about loving her? Or should I try to set the record straight, try again to convince her I do care and that what we had was true but simply didn't work? I think I know the answer to that... I'm just not used to having people hate and misinterpret me, so maybe that's it.... I dunno.... thanks for reading, this probably helps

 

-James

[solobeary]

Yeah, I have to say I'm 100% with sadprincess.

 

It's nice that you care enough that you're on here, but, like sadprincess said, you do seem more concerned about being the nice guy and insulted that your girlfriend and her mum said mean things in the end, than with the actual relationship you lost.

 

You say you were both each other's first loves, so I don't think you'll ever understand this until you fall in love for real one day, like your ex did with you. Then you'll get how bad she feels right now, how awful it is to be around someone who doesn't love you as much as you love them. She clearly picked up that vibe while you were together, its an incredibly obvious thing to pick up on, so of course that is going to send her mad/ make her angry. She would have always had a niggling insecure feeling, that's a horrible way to live.

 

I don't see what the point of picking apart her "bad" behaviour is now? The point of the matter is she loved you, but she wanted more than you did, and that situation sucks.

[jyoun]

I don't see what the point of picking apart her "bad" behaviour is now? The point of the matter is she loved you, but she wanted more than you did, and that situation sucks.

Yes, last night when I wrote that was an exception. I still feel her and her mom acted in anger and didn't mean those bad words.

 

I didn't fight back this time because I've been fighting back throughout the relationship, and figured she needed the space. Maybe that means I don't love her enough... I just know it wasn't working before so I'd try a different route.

 

I'm still not sure how I feel, but I agree with lots said here and appreciate you all taking the time to give me perspective.

 

It's probably true that I'm partly on here to feel better about myself and my actions. I don't doubt for a second that I made mistakes though, and inadvertenly hurt someone I truly cared and loved. Maybe my love for her wasn't the right kind of love... I guess it may be true I've just not experienced true love, and I convinced myself she COULD be the one if only I had more time... but yes, I think I learned a huge lesson and will be more aware of this next time... whenever that may be

 

Thanks again everyone. Things are clearer now. I hurt her and I'm deeply ashamed of that (which I've told her) and if she ever forgives me that would be cool, but if not I'll understand. I know I still have alot to learn...

[jyoun]

"actions outshine words that are texted."

I agree 100%. I'm trying to respect her decision to not contact or speak with me, and that's mostly why I'm here venting

[DoggieDaze]

When I went through a breakup I at least wanted to know how to prevent this from happening again with my next relationship or at least to have the option of getting back together. I found this and read it was pretty good.

Might help you out

 

File name: How to get your ex girlfriend back - Ex2 Method.zip File size: 61.21 MB

[sadprincess]

doggie_diphead....youre such a spammer. nobody on here wants to get back with nobody and nobody is dumb enough to buy online crap when people can cope for free.

 

 

anyways, nobody is perfect. life's funny (not always haha funny), and we all do things we're not proud of. we don't have as much control of our lives as we wish....feelings change and i myself have to realize that its how things are and I may too inadvertently hurt someone too.

 

your girlfriend needs time, i need time...all dumpees need time....and hopefully one day....its all for the best for all the broken-hearted people out there.

[sadprincess]

i've been on here for like a week or more, and can someone please tell me what GIGS mean? i 've seen it on many threads but still failed to use context clues lol. i even tried to google it, but you know how acronyms are.

[YSS]

GIGS - grass is greener on the other side (i think)

[sadprincess]

ohhhh..........make sense. thanks for the answer! thought gigolo or something.......

[jyoun]

"Grass Is Greener Syndrome"

 

http://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=265952