FrustrationSetsIn Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 it's the men thst I don't dess up for ones that have insisted we're freinds who i get troubled by - they say thay don't fancy me and then they do - with me still as the interim fixture and beleive me I dress dull on purpose no mixed signals Dressing a certain way doesn't have to pertain to sending signals. Maybe you send off other signals other ways. Maybe you flirt a bit and they take it seriously? Maybe you're doing something that you aren't aware of consciously. Only you know how you interact with these guys. So look back and think about how you interact with these male friends of yours, things you've said or done and perhaps what causes the change. All I can say is that forcing someone to not "like" you is about a fruitless endeavor as forcing someone to "like" you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkmoon Posted October 26, 2011 Author Share Posted October 26, 2011 (edited) no, because they tell me about their girlfrind-seeking - it's the offer of being their interim fixture - that i would never be too what say you about a man at work...ten years of 'is the computer free?' as the extent of our conversation, then he makes a pass, places one finger in my shoulder, firmly touching/crossing a boundary (!) i asked my freind (within his earshot, by chance) 'is that pass?' sjhe said yes, I get a filthy look from him...then i run into him outside of work and he says 'hello'...i said 'blur blur blur' rarther than saying hello back as i did not want him try to be with me....more filthy looks and several more over the next week...so tell me who told him i was supposed to be as available as a wife? he nevaer said hello out of work before now in ten years is this going in the direction of women being resposible for getting raped? don't go to their home unless you know they will be ok meaning caring respectful and not use forceful entry overall no means no Edited October 26, 2011 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
BrentB Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 Really? I thought that men had been taught to be respectful and gentlemanly to women since somewhere between the 11th and 13 centuries, and that it was the feminist movement that actually led many men to say that it was time to treat women less gently and more like men. I look at kids in the teens and young adults in their 20's, and I see more disrespect towards women than I see in adults in their 30's and up. Yeah, the 11th and 13th century thing is organized religion. Of course, kids in their 20's are more disrespectful in general. Link to post Share on other sites
BrentB Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 Poor widdle thing - it's all mommy's fault. Somedude, if you really believe that your mother screwed you up, then change. DO SOMETHING to change. And newsflash - there are a whole heaping lot of women out there who DO want a man who is respectful and keeps his hands to himself. We DO like men who are polite and listen to us and treat us in a way that shows we are more than a pair of tits and a p*ssy. Yes, we love making love as much as men, but we don't want our bodies to be the be-all-and-end-all of our attractiveness. Yeah, but there are very few women, if any, that like their men meek and passive. Link to post Share on other sites
FrustrationSetsIn Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 (edited) no, because they tell me about their girlfrind-seeking - it's the offer of being their interim fixture - that i would never be too what say you about a man at work...ten years of 'is the computer free?' as the extent of our conversation, then he makes a pass, places one finger in my shoulder, firmly touching/crossing a boundary (!) i asked my freind (within his earshot, by chance) 'is that pass?' sjhe said yes, I get a filthy look from him...then i run into him outside of work and he says 'hello'...i said 'blur blur blur' rarther than saying hello back as i did not want him try to be with me....more filthy looks and several more over the next week...so tell me who told him i was supposed to be as available as a wife? he nevaer said hello out of work before now in ten years is this going in the direction of women being resposible for getting raped? don't go to their home unless you know they will be ok meaning caring respectful and not use forceful entry overall no means no No it's not going in that direction but the vagueness of your first post made it seem like you just had friends you just know falling head over heels with you. But now that it's more specific it's this guy at your work being a douche bag. He's not your friend, just a coworker that you hardly talk to. So tell him that you aren't interested and to keep his hands off you. It really is that simple, stand up for yourself. If he gives you filthy looks who cares, let him think whatever he wants to think. Edited October 26, 2011 by FrustrationSetsIn Link to post Share on other sites
RiverRunning Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 Really, it's pretty easy to see why women get so frustrated when their male friends try to sleep with them. The poor women thinks she has a new shopping buddy and all of a sudden and out of nowhere it's like "Surprise, I have a dick!" I don't think I am EVER going to stop laughing after this line. I wish ANY of my male friends in high school or college had liked me or wanted to sleep with me. A compliment's still a compliment. All of my friends ended up being gay. The only guy I ever met who wanted to sleep with me was a mentor at an internship, which, obviously, didn't go anywhere and was highly inappropriate. Besides my current boyfriend, anyway. But I agree the under-the-radar, slow-and-faithful, methodical attempt to get in your pants is crazy. A few months of it is fine. But any longer than that and you are in friend territory, buddy. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkmoon Posted October 26, 2011 Author Share Posted October 26, 2011 if it's a 'compliment' they want to give, just mentioning a womans's hair do might feel less invasive - i mean if they make a pass at you it's not a compliment - they want a screw so are you up for it? if you smile and thank them are you telling him yes when you mean no? so then where does that the the woman who got complimented? hated if she says no in my experience which brings me back to my first posting...sighs and leaves thread... not all guys are douches...but what a complicated world! Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 darkmoon;3697270] i mean if they make a pass at you it's not a compliment - they want a screw so are you up for it? if you smile and thank them are you telling him yes when you mean no? you smile and thank them? IF and WHEN a man would dare to say to me - want to screw? - i would respond with a look on my face that represents the FEELINGS i have AND use words to convey a clear and concise message "did YOU actually just ask ME THAT?" sheez! your body language (the smile) and YOUR chosen words are thanking them for insulting you! portray a clear message! YOU are allowing this - i guarantee it! yesterday a man asked if i wanted to get married today... i simply answered "NO!" is THAT a clear answer? Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted October 26, 2011 Share Posted October 26, 2011 if it's a 'compliment' they want to give, just mentioning a womans's hair do might feel less invasive - i mean if they make a pass at you it's not a compliment - they want a screw so are you up for it? if you smile and thank them are you telling him yes when you mean no? so then where does that the the woman who got complimented? hated if she says no in my experience which brings me back to my first posting...sighs and leaves thread... not all guys are douches...but what a complicated world! You cant hang around with guys that are attracted to you and expect them to stay just friends platonic like you want. It doesnt work that way. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 too what say you about a man at work...ten years of 'is the computer free?' as the extent of our conversation, then he makes a pass, places one finger in my shoulder, firmly touching/crossing a boundary (!) i asked my freind (within his earshot, by chance) 'is that pass?' sjhe said yes, I get a filthy look from him...then i run into him outside of work and he says 'hello'...i said 'blur blur blur' rarther than saying hello back as i did not want him try to be with me....more filthy looks and several more over the next week...so tell me who told him i was supposed to be as available as a wife? he nevaer said hello out of work before now in ten years is this going in the direction of women being resposible for getting raped? don't go to their home unless you know they will be ok meaning caring respectful and not use forceful entry overall no means no Wait a minute. A man puts his finger on your shoulder, so you turn to a colleague within his earshot and ask it he just made a pass at you? And you wonder why he gave you a dirty look? And then he says "Hello" to you outside work and you return with a stream of nonsense because if you say "Hello" back then he would try to get with you? Really? You think that is a pass, and that someone saying Hello to you (even if it is the first time in 10 years that he has said hello to you outside of work) means he is trying to seduce you? I would be insulted and angry if I casually touched someone's shoulder and I was accused, even sideways, of making a pass at someone. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkmoon Posted October 27, 2011 Author Share Posted October 27, 2011 (edited) am in london - we see a pass when a guy does that. in fact a male friend too concurred later he would see a pass in that style of touch. i wanted to be sure before i tried to read the situation, i didn't much like him, the toucher, in the first place - thing is he hardly talked to me (good) for ten years and then this happened. if a touch is no big deal, do you touch your female freinds' men and think that's acceptable? Edited October 27, 2011 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 Of course, I touch my female friend's partners. We often hug or double cheek kiss hello or good-bye, or put a hand on a shoulder, or touch an arm. I am not asking them for sex, and they aren't asking me for it. I have never seen anyone consider one finger on a shoulder a "pass" - never. I think that is amazingly uptight and bordering on histrionic, frankly. Are you totally misinterpreting how your "men-friends" are behaving towards you? Are they actually just being friendly, rather than seductive? What are these friends doing that make you believe they are expecting sex? Link to post Share on other sites
Author darkmoon Posted October 27, 2011 Author Share Posted October 27, 2011 (edited) i am going to be blunt and tell you that if you were to insist on hugging a man of mine and doing all thode touchy feely things i'd drop you for being an attention-seeker - hands off - and if that angers you well it was/is you using the biggest word possible to insutlt me - histrionic? thanks but as we don't see eye to eye over signals and you insult me, I don't think you add much to the debate...too unsupportive for me - and off-topic, all about how insulted you would feel... no i accept the fremds with benefits theory Edited October 27, 2011 by darkmoon Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 IME most men haven't just wanted f/ship. I had male friends when I was single, but I don't have any (straight) male friends since I've been in a r/ship, (except for my ex), basically they're not bothered about being friends unless they want more, which is why men don't pursue f/ship with me now I'm not single. I believe platonic f/ships exist, but they've never worked out for me cos the men always wanted more, so I gave up. I'd love some platonic f/ships with men, but I don't get a look in as I've got a partner And it's not cos I have the sort of partner who would kick up a fuss about me having male friends either. i know they like it, but this is about why alot of my male aquaintances think i am up for it. i don't dress sexy, am average looking but wonder what it is that is telling men that a yes is assured. i blame porn and half-dressed celebrities giving men the impression that women are all available. i'm not talking men in love, rather, i'm talking men making passes this is not flattering, to be asked, coz guys can get pretty snarky if a woman says no. too, it's not about being the numero uno either as some men-friends tell me openly that they want rich women do other women find this sexual free-for-all a bit much? i'd like men and women to answer Link to post Share on other sites
cutecatch Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 i know they like it, but this is about why alot of my male aquaintances think i am up for it. i don't dress sexy, am average looking but wonder what it is that is telling men that a yes is assured. i blame porn and half-dressed celebrities giving men the impression that women are all available. i'm not talking men in love, rather, i'm talking men making passes this is not flattering, to be asked, coz guys can get pretty snarky if a woman says no. too, it's not about being the numero uno either as some men-friends tell me openly that they want rich women do other women find this sexual free-for-all a bit much? i'd like men and women to answer Why in the world would a guy want to be friends with a girl if there if there is no chance to bang her. I see the benfit for the girl of having guy friends but really I don't see one for the guys Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 (edited) Cos not all men care only about sex and nothing else. My partner has platonic friendships. Platonic f/ships might not have worked for me, but they do work for some people. Why in the world would a guy want to be friends with a girl if there if there is no chance to bang her. I see the benfit for the girl of having guy friends but really I don't see one for the guys Edited October 27, 2011 by HeavenOrHell Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 i am going to be blunt and tell you that if you were to insist on hugging a man of mine and doing all thode touchy feely things i'd drop you for being an attention-seeker - hands off - and if that angers you well it was/is you using the biggest word possible to insutlt me - histrionic? thanks but as we don't see eye to eye over signals and you insult me, I don't think you add much to the debate...too unsupportive for me - and off-topic, all about how insulted you would feel... no i accept the fremds with benefits theory You can be blunt; I appreciate honesty. And I will be honest and tell you that we wouldn't have been friends in the first place, as all of my friends are spontaneously affectionate and have healthy boundaries. I understand your POV, as you stated it very well in your other thread about dumping the guy who had a female roommate and female friends. That's how you are; you feel threatened by "your" man's interest in another female, and that's just how it is for you. I agree we don't see eye to eye. Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted October 27, 2011 Share Posted October 27, 2011 Why in the world would a guy want to be friends with a girl if there if there is no chance to bang her. I see the benfit for the girl of having guy friends but really I don't see one for the guys I give great relationship advice to my guy friends, and am a sounding board for them when they want a female point of view. I also come up with some great suggestions for gifts, and will shop with them or stay on the lookout for something that they know they want. I also am a better indoor cook than they are, and so they can grill while I do the other stuff. I also have given some tips on decorating ye olde bachelor pad. Link to post Share on other sites
cutecatch Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 I give great relationship advice to my guy friends, and am a sounding board for them when they want a female point of view. I also come up with some great suggestions for gifts, and will shop with them or stay on the lookout for something that they know they want. I also am a better indoor cook than they are, and so they can grill while I do the other stuff. I also have given some tips on decorating ye olde bachelor pad. And they keep you around because they want to sleep with you. Link to post Share on other sites
cutecatch Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Cos not all men care only about sex and nothing else. My partner has platonic friendships. Platonic f/ships might not have worked for me, but they do work for some people. Thats BS, all men think like me its just that they do not have the balls to actually do it Link to post Share on other sites
Lucky_One Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 And they keep you around because they want to sleep with you. Sorry, but I disagree. I do believe that men (and women too) probably think about sex with every person that they find attractive. That does NOT translate into them WANTING to have sex with me. He may think that I am sexy and desirable and that IF things were different (i.e. I wasn't firmly happy with my husband and married or if he weren't married or partnered himself) that he might try to see if we were sexually compatible. So I see a huge difference between "I'm gonna try to tap that tonight" and "Shoot she's got a fine ass". Active desire and acknowledgement of desirability are two different things to me. And there may even be guys who WANT to have sex with me, but they certainly don't act like it, because they value me for other things than my fine booty; I truly don't believe that friendships are merely maintained because they are waiting for me to have a huge lapse in judgement while standing beside a bed in an empty (save the two of us) house. Don't you know people with self-control, who know that irrational actions usually lead to bad results? Link to post Share on other sites
AHardDaysNight Posted November 1, 2011 Share Posted November 1, 2011 Some women I find attractive, I don't find sexually attractive at all. They don't even enter my fantasies at all. Link to post Share on other sites
BrentB Posted November 2, 2011 Share Posted November 2, 2011 Some women I find attractive, I don't find sexually attractive at all. They don't even enter my fantasies at all. Yeah, there's definitely a difference between pretty and sexy or attractive and sexy. Link to post Share on other sites
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