Affairs are outside the box

[xxoo]

Love beats morals like paper beats stone.

 

It's just stronger.

 

Outside of rock/paper/scissors games on the playground, stone goes right through paper.

 

Likewise, off the "playground" of an hidden affair, with the light of day shining on the relationship---a lot of affair partners get thrown under the bus.

 

Stronger?

[woinlove]

Love beats morals like paper beats stone.

 

It's just stronger.

 

And the love and respect we have for ourselves beats everything because it radiates out in the way we treat and connect to others. It all goes together - treat others with disrespect or unkindness and lose personal contentment, or worse. Bring deception into your core relationships and you lose a tremendous amount.

[thomasb]

Of course it's all the BS's fault. It's never a two way street or the WS who has issues him/herself, the WS who is just plain selfish and chooses to cheat instead of communicate or even divorce. It's just so much easier to shut up and have that affair because needs aren't being met at home.

 

 

You are right on here. Funny how the OP always insists it has to be a problem in the marriage or needs not being met. To bad they cannot see that it is usually a lack within the married person themselves.

[MissBee]

You are right on here. Funny how the OP always insists it has to be a problem in the marriage or needs not being met. To bad they cannot see that it is usually a lack within the married person themselves.

 

I think that kind of thinking helps you to feel like well...if I end up with them, things will be different. Since it's just the marriage and this other person that are problematic but we're a better fit so all will be well.

 

Sorry. I am not trusting of anyone to that degree. They may or may not love their SO but they at one point did....so MY CONCERN is what happened and why did you choose this path and how will things be different with us?

 

If I ever "got the man" post-A....some serious counseling would need to go down to work that through as it is not enough for me to feel like "Yeaa he got rid of that horrible woman and marriage and that was the ONLY problem, so now we're good". I would think he had at least poor communication or coping skills, is avoidant or something, to say the least, and that would need to be worked out before I take him on and try to live out our relationship as if none of that happened before. That lack of suspicion that this person may have issues to work through is what gets me.....

[donnamaybe]

It may be more denial than a lack of suspicion.

[herenow]

The tone of this post seems like a whole lot of justification IMO. Which I find rather ironic.

 

If we as BS are to accept that our H's had affairs due to our "dead" marriages, isn't it also fair to say that the MM doesn't "love" his OW enough if he can't leave a "dead" marriage for her? Or, maybe, just maybe, is it all possible that the MM really does love his wife and the affairs was all about sex?

 

The way I read the OP, it sounds like these men are having affairs for sex. Yet, then there is talk of "love". Which is it? I'm sorry but this post makes no sense to me.

 

Affairs are wrong. If they were right they would not be a secret. Men and women who want to leave marriages, leave. That is why the divorce rate is so high.

 

OK, so here you go. I will be the BW that tells you my marriage was "worthless more or less". My H's affair led us both to evaluate ourselves and our marriage. We both accepted our roles in the neglect of our marriage and made significant life changes for ourselves and each other. BTW, I and other BW have said this many times.

[herenow]

Love beats morals like paper beats stone.

 

It's just stronger.

 

Ok, let me understand this.

 

Love beats morals. However, money beats love since men don't leave because it would be a financial hell. But, love is stronger than morals, so are you saying that money is stronger that love? So it goes like this:

 

Money

Love

Morals

[MissBee]

Love beats morals like paper beats stone.

 

It's just stronger.

 

Ok, let me understand this.

 

Love beats morals. However, money beats love since men don't leave because it would be a financial hell. But, love is stronger than morals, so are you saying that money is stronger that love? So it goes like this:

 

Money

Love

Morals

 

Good question....

 

Further immoral love is an oxymoron to me.

[herenow]

Further immoral love is an oxymoron to me.

 

I agree.

 

It sounds like the OP is making the assumption that love exists between OW and MM who value money more than love and morals are at the bottom of their priority list. Rather sad IMO.

 

I would rather be a BW. Oh wait, I am one.

Edited October 7, 2011 by herenow

[Lostinlife4now]

In my past relationship with xMM it was all about money....NO MORALS entered into it on his part whatsoever....He thought he was entitled to make him self happy since he is providing for his family.....

[truthbetold]

Okay I get you.

 

Do you know if he tried to bring this up with his wife before he had an affair? That is, had he ever told her he wasn't inlove with her before the affair started?

 

I think affairs are complicated because it is so "foggy" in terms of....were you always unhappy, have you tried to address it, if you ever become unhappy with me would you address it?

 

I think that has to be addressed in therapy....what happened or was happening BEFORE the affair, which would help to give context to the affair.

 

Also....I am not sure how I feel about someone being doomed to a life of misery because of choosing their family. I am not saying this is not a reason, but I wonder about the many folks who choose to divorce and work through the mess of a split up family, in order to have a good and honest life. I can't recall anyone who has divorced with kids in the picture wishing they never had divorced and stayed for their kids. They don't like the mess that ensues if that happens....but if they're remarried, they seem to be happy with that choice to leave and have a different family arrangement.

 

But your point reinforces my own, that someone may love you, but there is something else (family, wife, finances etc) that they obviously care more about than being with you. In your case, he may love you and be in love with you, but his family comes before you. He can afford to lose you but not them. That is the issue. We all have choices but we choose the ones that we can live with so it's a matter of are you this person's choice OVER X. If they can't have both what will they throw overboard so to speak.....

 

I do feel bad for anyone who feels their only choice is to stay with their spouse if they truly love someone else and then have to try to get unaddicted or what have you....it seems nonsensical and I wonder if it will be worth it to him and anyone else in that situation in the end?

 

Also...if you don't mind sharing, is his wife currently aware of the fact that he doesn't love her and is around for the kids? Does she just want to spite him OR does she also feel like it is fog and they can work through it? Honestly, I feel like if I were in such a position, I'd allow that man to go about his business. If I truly felt it was fog...then perhaps getting the OW full time, he'd realize that it was indeed fog and come back to me...and if he decided to stay, then I'd be better off anyway as clearly nothing was there to save.

 

Very good point. From what I remember of her backstory is the MM was in love with his W at one time, and it was even mentioned in one post that Heart was upset because MM had an odd good day with W which could mean the marriage isn't all that bad, surprise, surprise.

 

I would think this could very well be clear case of after the MM being away from Heart for awhile, he'll realize that it was indeed the fog, if after all he can still have good days with the W he may be able to rekindle the love he once felt for W. You hear about it all the time in many after A's It seems like this is a case of falling in love with another but still wasn't competely out of love with W but allowed that new rush of being with someone new cloud the judgement, that's exactly what fog is in SOME circumstances. Of course this IMO only based on what has been posted.

[Summer Breeze]

But that is what WS want the AP to believe whether it is true or not. And to be honest, if that is the true state of the marriage, what kind of person does not end such a relationship. Not someone I would want to be with.

 

I wouldn't be with them either Anne but you can look at any forum like LS and you'll see all sorts of people with no intimacy and no sex life in their M and it is an issue. Stone Cold has broached this subject often. That lack of intimacy kills Ms. It is real and not every MM or MW who is having an A is lying about it-too much else written in forums and spoken of in talk shows and shared between friends confirms it.

[heartinlove]

Okay I get you.

 

Do you know if he tried to bring this up with his wife before he had an affair? That is, had he ever told her he wasn't inlove with her before the affair started?

 

I think affairs are complicated because it is so "foggy" in terms of....were you always unhappy, have you tried to address it, if you ever become unhappy with me would you address it?

 

I think that has to be addressed in therapy....what happened or was happening BEFORE the affair, which would help to give context to the affair.

 

Also....I am not sure how I feel about someone being doomed to a life of misery because of choosing their family. I am not saying this is not a reason, but I wonder about the many folks who choose to divorce and work through the mess of a split up family, in order to have a good and honest life. I can't recall anyone who has divorced with kids in the picture wishing they never had divorced and stayed for their kids. They don't like the mess that ensues if that happens....but if they're remarried, they seem to be happy with that choice to leave and have a different family arrangement.

 

But your point reinforces my own, that someone may love you, but there is something else (family, wife, finances etc) that they obviously care more about than being with you. In your case, he may love you and be in love with you, but his family comes before you. He can afford to lose you but not them. That is the issue. We all have choices but we choose the ones that we can live with so it's a matter of are you this person's choice OVER X. If they can't have both what will they throw overboard so to speak.....

 

I do feel bad for anyone who feels their only choice is to stay with their spouse if they truly love someone else and then have to try to get unaddicted or what have you....it seems nonsensical and I wonder if it will be worth it to him and anyone else in that situation in the end?

 

Also...if you don't mind sharing, is his wife currently aware of the fact that he doesn't love her and is around for the kids? Does she just want to spite him OR does she also feel like it is fog and they can work through it? Honestly, I feel like if I were in such a position, I'd allow that man to go about his business. If I truly felt it was fog...then perhaps getting the OW full time, he'd realize that it was indeed fog and come back to me...and if he decided to stay, then I'd be better off anyway as clearly nothing was there to save.

 

My earlier comments were more about how alot of therapists and websites address all affairs as fog or addiction and how I don't agree thats always whats happening. It wasn't so much a commentary on my situation.

 

I have let MM go his own way. Its not about being stuck in a miserable marriage. I never said his marriage was miserable. Neither did he. Yes, he brought up his issues before the affair began. Its about falling in love with someone while you are committed to someone else and have already created a life with another and a family. Not saying its a great idea.

 

That is why I am not an advocate for affairs and have said I will never be in one again, because the set up doesn't work. You are basically starting a relationship with someone who is in another relationship that isn't complete, otherwise they wouldn't be there.

 

So yes, he told her he's not in love with her and he's in love with me. She believes they can get their love back. He feels its only right to see if thats true and if they can heal their marriage given their many years together and their family. And yes there could be fog, or a lack of clarity, from being in love with me, that needs to clear for him to see what is true in his marriage. That part of your comments I agree with. I agree with him and support him in that decision. That is why we have gone NC.

 

If he left his marriage only because he's in love with me would be disastrous and our relationship would start on a bed of other peoples pain. I don't want that for myself or for him or for his wife. The only way he and I could ever have a healthy relationship is if he leaves his marriage because its complete and comes to me from that space.

 

Again, this is not to me a choice of her versus me. Their marriage came first. They have a family. They had a good marriage. This is the right course of action for everyone. When you break it down to this is a choice of what or who he loves more, I don't think you're seeing all the dynamics of starting a new relationship out of an affair, and all the emotions a MM experiences when everything is out in the open and their is such raw pain. Especially if the marriage was good before the affair and there was love.

 

If he and I are meant to be, it will be, but not with my involvement. Truly loving him to me means setting him free completely. I know I am loved. That is why I am doing well in all of this. I am also grateful we had a loving completion, which so many never get.

 

But again, my original comments were I just dont agree with therapy or belief systems that treat all affairs as addiction or fog. At the same time, I am not an advocate for affairs. They cause alot of pain for everyone.

[FelicityShot]

. At the same time, I am not an advocate for affairs. They cause alot of pain for everyone.

 

My way of thinking used to involve a morality which minimised pain for others.

 

Since my A, I have less black and white (polarity) thinking. I think it is a priority to consider other people in our actions, but pain is not the only measure. We have to be ourselves first - in my A I was myself for the first time in years as far as intimacy is concerned.

 

What I really want from you guys in this conversation, and I realise it won't fully happen, is a kind of joining of the two mentalities about A right vs A wrong, so that they exist companionably. Like water lies between steam and ice.

 

There is good and bad in the A. And the bad isn't as bad as people say, and sometimes people find the good ain't so hot either.

 

I am not saying we should all go out and have open Ms, that isn't the antidote. It's an opposite - another polarity.

 

It's just about seeing the good alongside the shadow in an A scenario. And the rest of the stuff is more - well I'm feeling bad because you did this. I have to work through that and make some adjustments/decisions. Not that what you did was essentially wrong or right.

 

Same goes for the guilt the WS feels.

[heartinlove]

My way of thinking used to involve a morality which minimised pain for others.

 

Since my A, I have less black and white (polarity) thinking. I think it is a priority to consider other people in our actions, but pain is not the only measure. We have to be ourselves first - in my A I was myself for the first time in years as far as intimacy is concerned.

 

What I really want from you guys in this conversation, and I realise it won't fully happen, is a kind of joining of the two mentalities about A right vs A wrong, so that they exist companionably. Like water lies between steam and ice.

 

There is good and bad in the A. And the bad isn't as bad as people say, and sometimes people find the good ain't so hot either.

 

I am not saying we should all go out and have open Ms, that isn't the antidote. It's an opposite - another polarity.

 

It's just about seeing the good alongside the shadow in an A scenario. And the rest of the stuff is more - well I'm feeling bad because you did this. I have to work through that and make some adjustments/decisions. Not that what you did was essentially wrong or right.

 

Same goes for the guilt the WS feels.

 

Im with you. We all learn from the both the light and shadow of life. There is a reason so many people have affairs. Its not because everyone is morally bankrupt. Im not saying affairs are a path to happiness, because I dont believe they are. But many of us find ourselves in one to learn something or to heal something.

 

I believe everything happens for a reason and life gives us a myriad of experiences to grow and evolve. I know many people that sentence won't sit right with, but I am grateful for everything I learned and experienced inside the affair.

 

At the same time, I do not wish to repeat that kind of pain and will never choose to again, but I now understand how good people can get into an affair. I nor MM ever thought we'd ever be in an affair. Knowing what I know now, I will choose differently in the future.

[Angelina527]

My way of thinking used to involve a morality which minimised pain for others.

 

Since my A, I have less black and white (polarity) thinking. I think it is a priority to consider other people in our actions, but pain is not the only measure. We have to be ourselves first - in my A I was myself for the first time in years as far as intimacy is concerned.

 

What I really want from you guys in this conversation, and I realise it won't fully happen, is a kind of joining of the two mentalities about A right vs A wrong, so that they exist companionably. Like water lies between steam and ice.

 

There is good and bad in the A. And the bad isn't as bad as people say, and sometimes people find the good ain't so hot either.

 

I am not saying we should all go out and have open Ms, that isn't the antidote. It's an opposite - another polarity.

 

It's just about seeing the good alongside the shadow in an A scenario. And the rest of the stuff is more - well I'm feeling bad because you did this. I have to work through that and make some adjustments/decisions. Not that what you did was essentially wrong or right.

 

Same goes for the guilt the WS feels.

 

If they're not as bad as people say, then why was I lying on the floor barely able to breathe...the only sounds I could make were somewhat like a keening wail. Why, a year and a half later, did I have a major trigger and was, for a time, in that place again? My heart shattered, my life and **I** will never be the same.

 

Right, it is not as bad as people say. Uh-huh...

[thomasb]

My way of thinking used to involve a morality which minimised pain for others.

 

Since my A, I have less black and white (polarity) thinking. I think it is a priority to consider other people in our actions, but pain is not the only measure. We have to be ourselves first - in my A I was myself for the first time in years as far as intimacy is concerned.

 

What I really want from you guys in this conversation, and I realise it won't fully happen, is a kind of joining of the two mentalities about A right vs A wrong, so that they exist companionably. Like water lies between steam and ice.

 

There is good and bad in the A. And the bad isn't as bad as people say, and sometimes people find the good ain't so hot either.

 

I am not saying we should all go out and have open Ms, that isn't the antidote. It's an opposite - another polarity.

 

It's just about seeing the good alongside the shadow in an A scenario. And the rest of the stuff is more - well I'm feeling bad because you did this. I have to work through that and make some adjustments/decisions. Not that what you did was essentially wrong or right.

 

Same goes for the guilt the WS feels.

 

 

There is no good in an affair. What could possibly be good about anything that would cause my wife to lay on the bathroom floor and puke. About the shadows in my childrens eyes when they looked at me as if I suddenly came from another planet. The shock and shame in my fathers face when he was told? He raised me to be a decent, moral christian who honored the people he loved. Protected us with his life from all the hurts the world could inflict. He taught me to do the same. In having an affair I let everyone I loved down. And most of all I let myself down. I belittled everything I believed in. There could never be any good in those actions. Only disgust. And shame.

[NoIDidn't]

My earlier comments were more about how alot of therapists and websites address all affairs as fog or addiction and how I don't agree thats always whats happening. It wasn't so much a commentary on my situation.

 

{snip}

 

But again, my original comments were I just dont agree with therapy or belief systems that treat all affairs as addiction or fog. At the same time, I am not an advocate for affairs. They cause alot of pain for everyone.

 

But there is a reason that therapists treat affairs as addictions. They've been trained on the brain chemistry of limerence and feeling "in love" and its very similar, if not identical to, the brain under the influence of heroin.

 

I'm sure it doesn't feel good to hear that someone likened a person to a drug, but its not personal about that person, its about the chemicals released in the brain as a result of the person.

 

I think the therapist knew what they were talking about as they have likely seen it hundreds of times. I'm thinking not many here have had hundreds of affairs in their lifetime.

[heartinlove]

But there is a reason that therapists treat affairs as addictions. They've been trained on the brain chemistry of limerence and feeling "in love" and its very similar, if not identical to, the brain under the influence of heroin.

 

I'm sure it doesn't feel good to hear that someone likened a person to a drug, but its not personal about that person, its about the chemicals released in the brain as a result of the person.

 

I think the therapist knew what they were talking about as they have likely seen it hundreds of times. I'm thinking not many here have had hundreds of affairs in their lifetime.

 

So in that case every connection including between a husband and wife, between a mother and a newborn is governed by chemicals that are released in a brain. Does that mean the the bond between a mother and her newborn should also be treated as an addiction, since that intense bond also involves chemicals that are released into the body of a woman after birth? Should all bonds between all people which all by the way involve chemicals in the brain be treated as an addiction? With this line of thinking, then also then the bond between a husband and wife is also an addiction. Chemicals and brain chemistry is what bonds all humans to one another that is why it makes no sense to me to treat all affairs as addictions.

[NoIDidn't]

So in that case every connection including between a husband and wife, between a mother and a newborn is governed by chemicals that are released in a brain. Does that mean the the bond between a mother and her newborn should also be treated as an addiction, since that intense bond also involves chemicals that are released into the body of a woman after birth? Should all bonds between all people which all by the way involve chemicals in the brain be treated as an addiction? With this line of thinking, then also then the bond between a husband and wife is also an addiction. Chemicals and brain chemistry is what bonds all humans to one another that is why it makes no sense to me to treat all affairs as addictions.

 

No its not the same. You are oversimplifying my statements by extending the natural bonding between mother and child into addiction status just based on "chemicals". The baby needs the mother to take care of it, I doubt other pairings you mention need each other on that level. Further, I did say that brain scans showed "in love" or infatuation as similar to the brain scans of addicts.

 

Like I said, it wasn't personal. He should have protected himself from having those chemicals released (avoided having an affair with you) just like a person can avoid cocaine.

 

Therapists have dealt with this hundreds of times. The people that stop feeding their addiction notice that the feelings go away as well. It is possible to be addicted to a person. Have you considered the perspective of the therapist (and looked it up) or did you just dismiss it out of hand because it didn't jibe with what you chose to believe?

 

Also, considering you weren't there during his sessions, you don't really know why the therapist decided he was addicted to you and not in love with you. There are guidelines to follow to deduce a "person/love addiction". He may have said some things to the therapist that lead them to believe that he didn't really love you, just the idea of you.

 

The signs are likely in your R with him and the way he really related with you if he was actually addicted vs. in love. I'm not saying he was or wasn't, just that the therapist had a reason for choosing that course with him.

Edited October 8, 2011 by NoIDidn't

[woinlove]

My way of thinking used to involve a morality which minimised pain for others.

 

Since my A, I have less black and white (polarity) thinking. I think it is a priority to consider other people in our actions, but pain is not the only measure. We have to be ourselves first - in my A I was myself for the first time in years as far as intimacy is concerned.

 

What I really want from you guys in this conversation, and I realise it won't fully happen, is a kind of joining of the two mentalities about A right vs A wrong, so that they exist companionably. Like water lies between steam and ice.

 

There is good and bad in the A. And the bad isn't as bad as people say, and sometimes people find the good ain't so hot either.

 

I am not saying we should all go out and have open Ms, that isn't the antidote. It's an opposite - another polarity.

 

It's just about seeing the good alongside the shadow in an A scenario. And the rest of the stuff is more - well I'm feeling bad because you did this. I have to work through that and make some adjustments/decisions. Not that what you did was essentially wrong or right.

 

Same goes for the guilt the WS feels.

 

Perhaps you can explain what you think the good in an A is, because I can't think of anything good because it is an A. It seems anything that might be good would be much better if the R was out in the open and everyone was honest about it. The fact that there is bad because it is an A is obvious and much of that bad would be alleviated if everyone was honest from the beginning.

 

What distinguishes an A from another R is primarily the dishonesty - how does this have a good side? Do you think some people need to learn from the type of competition or deception an A sets up? Or are you thinking of something else?

Edited October 8, 2011 by woinlove

[Spark1111]

No its not the same. You are oversimplifying my statements by extending the natural bonding between mother and child into addiction status just based on "chemicals". The baby needs the mother to take care of it, I doubt other pairings you mention need each other on that level. Further, I did say that brain scans showed "in love" or infatuation as similar to the brain scans of addicts.

 

Like I said, it wasn't personal. He should have protected himself from having those chemicals released (avoided having an affair with you) just like a person can avoid cocaine.

 

Therapists have dealt with this hundreds of times. The people that stop feeding their addiction notice that the feelings go away as well. It is possible to be addicted to a person. Have you considered the perspective of the therapist (and looked it up) or did you just dismiss it out of hand because it didn't jibe with what you chose to believe?

 

Also, considering you weren't there during his sessions, you don't really know why the therapist decided he was addicted to you and not in love with you. There are guidelines to follow to deduce a "person/love addiction". He may have said some things to the therapist that lead them to believe that he didn't really love you, just the idea of you.

 

The signs are likely in your R with him and the way he really related with you if he was actually addicted vs. in love. I'm not saying he was or wasn't, just that the therapist had a reason for choosing that course with him.

 

Great post NID! An IC's job is to try and get the client to feel their true feelings, verbalize them, and act on them.

 

As for fog, maybe confusion is an easier term for others to understand? A deep, conflicted confusion that appears as if a person is under huge psychic conflict and acting abnormal?

 

Not happy and embracing their thoughts and convictions; more sad and scared at having to choose and live authentically?

 

And personally, I take exception as to how often the BS is blamed for the end of the affair, the miserable, sexless marriage, and the MM being FORCED to reconcile his unhappy marriage and end the affair. Poor, poor baby and his mean, vile wife. HE lies to me and he lies to you too!

 

I never minimized my H's feelings for his AP. I told him to go get her and told our children we would amicably divorce and to treat her with respect.

 

I WAS FURIOUS he lied to me; he didn't have to. I do not want a man who does not want me --not for money, security or status quo, the kids. Most fBS that I know IRL felt the same. I prepared for a future without him.

 

When it appeared to be the very LAST thing he wanted, I started to scratch my head. Go, without acrimony, be happy with your soul mate, I will find mine.

 

He grew so depressed, almost suicidal, often angry and blaming ME! for what? Forcing the end of his secret and compartmentalized life? Can't have both women? Both lifestyles?

 

Well, okay then....you don't want to live an authentic life? Don't you love her? Isn't this what almost two years of my life have been about? You being unable to choose?

 

I am giving you permission to choose her, and you still don't want it? Why? And why does that make you even ANGRIER with me?

 

That's fog.....and so many of us fBS have experienced it.

[alexandria35]

So in that case every connection including between a husband and wife, between a mother and a newborn is governed by chemicals that are released in a brain. Does that mean the the bond between a mother and her newborn should also be treated as an addiction, since that intense bond also involves chemicals that are released into the body of a woman after birth? Should all bonds between all people which all by the way involve chemicals in the brain be treated as an addiction? With this line of thinking, then also then the bond between a husband and wife is also an addiction. Chemicals and brain chemistry is what bonds all humans to one another that is why it makes no sense to me to treat all affairs as addictions.

 

The comparisons you make are ridiculous and I find it hard to believe that you can't tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy love. Bonds that are good and bonds that are destructive. I've never been an OW but I've experience intense mind boggling "love" that was just plain destructive to me and others. I guess it was an addiction, I hadn't thought of that before, I more or less thought I was bordering on mentally ill. The relationship was destructive, I hurt myself, the man I was so madly in love with hurt, my family hurt, my kids hurt and worse everyone lost a little respect for me. I was ashamed and bewildered as to why this one relationship had such an intense hold on me. Of course at the time I thought it was "true soulmate love" and that we were somehow meant to be since the universe had brought us together...bleech!

 

Affairs are usually painful to everyone involved. The affair partners are in pain, the betrayed are in intense pain, the children hurt, extended family and close friends hurt. Now please tell me who gets hurt when a husband and wife are bonded to each other? Who feels immense pain over a mother bonding with her newborn baby? There is a huge difference between these types of love. Healthy love doesn't hurt people and it's not destructive.

[thomasb]

The comparisons you make are ridiculous and I find it hard to believe that you can't tell the difference between healthy and unhealthy love. Bonds that are good and bonds that are destructive. I've never been an OW but I've experience intense mind boggling "love" that was just plain destructive to me and others. I guess it was an addiction, I hadn't thought of that before, I more or less thought I was bordering on mentally ill. The relationship was destructive, I hurt myself, the man I was so madly in love with hurt, my family hurt, my kids hurt and worse everyone lost a little respect for me. I was ashamed and bewildered as to why this one relationship had such an intense hold on me. Of course at the time I thought it was "true soulmate love" and that we were somehow meant to be since the universe had brought us together...bleech!

 

Affairs are usually painful to everyone involved. The affair partners are in pain, the betrayed are in intense pain, the children hurt, extended family and close friends hurt. Now please tell me who gets hurt when a husband and wife are bonded to each other? Who feels immense pain over a mother bonding with her newborn baby? There is a huge difference between these types of love. Healthy love doesn't hurt people and it's not destructive.

 

Very good post. I agree with everything you said except the soulmate thing! The love between a mother and child is blessed by God. Where an affair is damned as a commandment! I don't know how you could rationally compare the two!

[OpenBook]

Who feels immense pain over a mother bonding with her newborn baby?

 

The Blessed Mary may have a bone or two to pick with you over that one... albeit the pain came much later.

 

Healthy love doesn't hurt people and it's not destructive.

 

Says who?? Love hurts. And often it destroys the ego, precious dreams and goals, etc. Destruction is part of the cycle of life. "Healthy" doesn't mean it's not going to hurt. You pay the price either way for loving someone.

 

I agree it's a worthy goal to try not to hurt anybody, no matter what you do (or who you love). But let's be honest here. Life is messy, and love hurts.