JoeyHurting81 Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I guess I should start by explaining my situation. My wife and I have been sepirated for about a month and a half. She initiated the separation, citing several reasons why. But mainly, it was because I wasn't the same fun loving guy that she fell in love with. Yes, it's true, that for the past 6 months or so, I've been sorta down in the dumps due to a lot more responsibilities from my job but I won't get into all that. After the initial separation, I tried the whole "no contact" thing. They can't miss you if you're not "gone" right? Well, it seems as though it worked. A few weeks ago, she started contacting me. Sometimes about important stuff, sometimes it was just to tell me about her day or something that irritated her at work. (We work for the same company, just different locations.) Although, half the conversations we have, it seems like there is a favor she asks of me. Sometimes a big one, sometimes not so big. And within the past two weeks, we've went out a few times for drinks and had a great time. We didn't talk about our relationship, but simply had FUN together. One time I even went back to the apartment and gave her a foot massage. She used to love it when I did that for her. But as far as our relationship goes, it seems like she's calling all the shots. It's basically up to her if we work things out. We have the papers for a dissolution. She's had them for about a month now. I'm not sure if she's filled them out, but either way, she has not given them back to me to fill out. I'm just very confused. This past Monday we talked on the phone for almost 2 hours about things. That's when I laid it out for her. I said I still want to work things out. It seemed like she was somewhat receptive, but didn't want to show her hand. I explained to her that I know she's scared about things going back to the way they used to be. I am too. But I've been going to counselling and reading all kinds of books to make sure that doesn't happen. She said "well why don't we just not talk for the rest of the week. That will give us time to sort out some feeling?" I agreed. But then she called me 20 minutes later. And she's called me everyday since then. If you've read all this, thank you. But what the hell does all this mean? I'm very confused!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
R32 Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 It's clear she still has an emotional attachment. My ex did the same thing. After talking about how she didn't want to get back together/didn't want to go back to what we were, she phones me the next day and we hook up. Then proceeded to phone me every day after. She's unsure of what she wants, but has a hard time letting you go. Proceed with caution.... Maybe be more adamant about spending some time apart to let feelings settle. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 Yeah, its just difficult to deal with the mixed signals. Don't get me wrong, I love hearing from her. Hell, she's already called me 5 times today! I would like to give her her space so she can figure things out. But how can she miss me if she keeps contacting me? Link to post Share on other sites
noel2 Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 WOW! If you think YOU are confused, she is even more so. Listen, she clearly cares quite deeply for you, she is scared to give in 100% IMO. I would have to insist on at least 3 days, if not a week of a separation and then plan to get together and settle things once and for all. You can't keep being a yo yo and going back and forth. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 Yeah, but we've already been apart for 6 weeks and she's just now kinda starting to warm up to me. I don't want to do anything to jeopardize a possible reconciliation. The things I used to do that pushed her away initially have all been dealt with through conselling and a lot of soul searching. I know in my heart of hearts that if we agreed to work things out that we wouldn't be back in the same spot. At times it seems like she wants to take that leap of faith, but at times she just doesn't know. But I've given her 6 weeks. Come on, how much time does a person need?!?! Link to post Share on other sites
othersideofthepillow Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 (edited) joey when you say how much time does a person need....only that person knows. a few weeks ago i received a text from my ex saying that she missed me, how there are a lot of times she realizes how much she messed up & was sorry she pushed me away & then showed up to my place of work without telling me cause she wanted to talk. than when i told her to meet me for coffee since i was no longer at work she flakes out on me last sec. she then contacted me last night (after no contact was exchanged between the two of us for almost 2 weeks) telling me that she started seeing someone else and likes him but he is not a bf.....she would like to give us a second chance but knows we would end up apart in the end so wont do it.... also felt the need to tell me i wasnt making a effort for us to try again when all ive done is invite her for casual outings to talk, walks with my (formerly ours dog, spend time together getting to know each other again, be there for her during her hard times and says im different now. how can someone say your different when they wont talk to you in person????? i hope and pray it doesnt turn out for you how it did for me cause i am in more pain than i can ever express Edited October 7, 2011 by othersideofthepillow Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 7, 2011 Author Share Posted October 7, 2011 Sorry to hear that Pillow. I think right now my wife knows that I am making an effort, with giving her space and counseling. I think one thing that makes it even harder is the fact the we are still legally married. She's still my wife and for the benefit of a future with her I have to refrain from saying I love you every time I see her? It sucks! Although, she has let it slip a couple times when ending a phone call. I don't know if that is just out of habit or not though. Link to post Share on other sites
R32 Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 I was once in your shoes. Knowing she'd phone/text. And when she did it felt great. It seems like you still have a chance to potentially make things work. I agree with Noel2, distance yourselves for about a week and see how the both of you feel then. I know it's hard, but clearly 6 weeks wasn't enough for her to make a decision. She obviously still has feelings given how close you two have gotten. However, if you keep proceeding through this path, you're only prolonging the inevitable. A better choice, would be to just stay apart until a decision can be made. Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted October 7, 2011 Share Posted October 7, 2011 The next time she calls tell her that her week starts now. You are not enforcing boundaries on her and she's walking all over you without realizing it. Be the man, be logical and take the time for yourself as well. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 Well here's an update on my situation: Last night, I asked my wife to go to a haunted house with me. Afterall, we were getting along great yesterday. Afterwards, she suggested going to get a couple drinks. At the bar, she proceeds to tell me that it's as though everyone in her life that she thought cared about her is abandoning her. Family, friend, coworkers, etc. She started crying in the bar! She then came over, sat on my lap and kissed me and told me how much she still LOVES me! Now, I understand it seems as though I'm her crutch that shes know will always be there for her. But damn that moment felt great! I have been waiting for that moment for what seems like an eternity. It just sucks that she had to have 3 beers and 2 shots of Jose Ceurvo to tell me Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 8, 2011 Author Share Posted October 8, 2011 Absolutely. Call me old fashioned, but I don't believe in divorce. I know it rampant nowadays, but I signed up for life. I just that people get lost along the way sometimes and decide that it's just easier to give up. Well, not me. I'm just hoping that she was showing her TRUE feelings last night, that it wasn't just the alcohol talking. But some people sometimes need a little bit of liquid courage to show how they really feel. She's one of em. Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 Well.... She told me yesterday that she probably shouldn't have kissed me. Wtf?!?! Link to post Share on other sites
R32 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Play your cards carefully. Do you think she would relying on you for support if her friends/family were more supportive? It feels good to have that sort of intimacy because you've lacked it for so long. When my girl was in the midst of telling me how she's starting to see someone else, she also told me how much she loved me, how much I mean to her, and how much she needs me in her life. As much as the situation sucked, it kind of felt good to hear those three words since she hasn't said it since we initially broke up in May. Now that she knows you'll always be there for her, that could either bite you in the ass or work to your advantage. In most cases it generally bites back. I don't believe in divorce either, however it's a two way street. When do you draw the line when your SO loses interest, and just doesn't feel it anymore? Link to post Share on other sites
Author JoeyHurting81 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 That's a good question that I have no idea how to answer. But it's not that I think she has lost interest. She just doesn't know what the hell she wants! Just last night, she called me at 3am. At first she wanted to know if I was ok. You see, yesterday, I was cutting up some skids for firewood and a 2x4 flew up and split my eye brow wide open. I kinda thought it was funny, so I posted a pic of my bloody eye on Facebook. Well, she saw it and called to ask if I was ok. But during the conversation, she asked me if I've ever had a continuing argument with myself, something that keeps flip flopping in my head? I'm fairly certain she was talking about our marriage. It seems as though she's on the verge of saying she wants to work things out, but she just won't say it! Link to post Share on other sites
othersideofthepillow Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Play your cards carefully. Now that she knows you'll always be there for her, that could either bite you in the ass or work to your advantage. In most cases it generally bites back. I don't believe in divorce either, however it's a two way street. When do you draw the line when your SO loses interest, and just doesn't feel it anymore? The parts that I bolded are the things that you def need to play your cards right with. I also dont believe in divorce and i am the type of man that trys his best to fight for the things that matter to me - but - if in the end its a one way fight theres really not much you can do about it. Also, in a way she already has lost SOME interest because she "doesnt know" what she wants. in my opinion if your struggling with things in your life you should always have the person you love close to you and the fact that in a way she has distanced herself kind of implies that she is loosing interest....i dont know how much...only she does sadly. i know how it felt to feel that she wanted to work things out but just never said anything but in the end - you already know how it turned out for me - but you need to address that asap to avoid any other mixed signals you might start getting. Link to post Share on other sites
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