My mother

[lovelylove]

I'm an only child of parents who divorced when I was 7. My father and I always had a good relationship even though I saw him only once or twice a month because even as a small child I could tell he loved me.

My mother and I have always had a kind of distant relationship. She had me in day care as an infant, and would always be the "late mom", picking me up after everyone else had gone home. She once admitted to me that she never bonded with me as a baby. Not in an apologetic or regretful way, just matter of fact.

I always felt she didn't like me, or care about me very much at all. I walked alone to school from kindergarten on, and had a string of babysitters watch me after school.

When I was 12 my mother remarried and I really became unimportant. She rejected me and made me feel like a burden, an intruder in her house. Things got worse to the point that I ran away from home at 13, to live with my boyfriend's family, who treated me as their daughter- cooked meals for me, showered me with affection and kindness- they were from a third-world country and their values were very different. Unfortunately I became pregnant and called my mother to ask her what to do. Her reaction was "I don't care, why are you calling me?". I was confused, and very young, and when my boyfriends family found out they were overjoyed (young motherhood is common in their culture, and abortion is out of the question). They were so happy that I just went along with it and decided to have the baby. They said they would help, threw me a baby shower, taught me how to take care of a baby, etc.

Around my 6th month of pregnancy I asked my mother if I could come home to get some of my things (I left with nothing). She said sure. When I got there they had called the police and decided to have me arrested as a runaway, locked me up in Juvenal hall (In los angeles, a baaaad experience) for 6 weeks. Even my caseworker couldn't believe it. My parents are well off and treated me like a criminal. I was encouraged- almost forced, to have a late term abortion which I refused. At that time the law changed, and runaways were no longer considered criminal, so they had to let me go.

I was sent to an unwed mother's home, where they again tried to have me abort my now 8 month old baby. Again I refused.

I had a healthy baby girl, and when I told my mother she was angry and said "never bring her around here- she's not my family". She cut off all ties with me and later told me she'd decided I'd died to her.

A few months later I realized I couldn't be a mother at my age, and decided to give her up for adoption. A private adoption was arranged and she was placed with an extended, wealthy, well-educated branch of her biological fathers. We kept in contact her whole life, she's made me a grandmother now and is a wonderful, beautiful woman who my mother still refuses to acknowledge.

Fast forward 10 years and I married and had three children. My mother suddenly wanted to become involved and I relished it. She was a loving grandmother, doting, although our relationship was slightly strained I overlooked any past issues for my childrens' sakes.

Fast forward again, this time 25 years, my children are grown, and my mother has reverted to her hostile self. During my last visit she yelled at me, threatened me, swore at me, accused me of ridiculous things, seemingly out of the blue. It really threw me, and hurt me deeply. She's now in her old age, and every visit is worse. Today my step father told me not to come back, that she's still "recovering" from my last visit.

The pain of rejection from your own mother is something that cuts deeply and effects self-worth, mood, ambition, and makes me question my own sanity.

There's more to this story but it's just more of the same written above. My mother and stepfather are PhDs in family therapy, I am a nurse.

I'm exhausted after a long shift so will be going to sleep now, I hope someone can soothe me somehow... I had hoped our relationship had changed and healed, but here we are back at square one. She makes me feel unwanted, resented, even hated. Believe me when I say I am a kind, considerate, generous daughter... I never forget a holiday, write often, keep myself cheerful and take her out to do things she likes to do, buy her things, have taken her on vacation, to the spa, hugged her, told her I love her.... but she lashes out at me at random times for no reason. My stepfather defends her (always has), and tells me I must have said the wrong thing (not true!) these events always occur when he is out, never when he is present.

Thanks for listening, my heart is hurting.

[johnlouis]

very nice.....I love my mother so much.......

[Nikki82]

You can't change people, so the only way you can change this situation is to change yourself. That "change" needs to be you having a higher opinion of yourself and knowing that how your mother treats you is wrong. You need to either cut her out of your life, have minimal contact, or put your foot down with her...but putting your foot down probably won't change her, but just start a fight and have her insulting you.

 

That is your answer. It is not easy, but if you wanna feel good about yourself, you need to take all this importance of your mother's crappy opinion out of the equation. Just because she is a mother doesn't make her opinions right.

[lovelylove]

Thank You Nikki, I needed to hear that. You're absolutely right... some of the hardest things to do are the right thing to do, that's life, isn't it, sigh.

xoxoxxo

[Nikki82]

Yup, that's life for sure. But you can do this. It'll take time. You'll have weak moments, but keep remembering that what she says about you is not right. Remember that you are a good person and a great mother. Remember that maybe there is something mentally wrong with your mother for her to act the way she does.

 

But whatever you do, from here on out, you gotta work on being stronger and knowing you do not deserve to let ANYONE treat you badly. So don't put up with it. I'm willing to bet your children would stand behind you. What are their opinions of your mom?

[KathyM]

I think the sooner you stop expecting your mother to be the kind of mother you want her to be, the better off you will be. She may have had some kind of traumatic experience with her own mother, or lack of bonding, and she never learned how to mother or never developed a maternal instinct because of that. The sooner you accept her for the very limited person she is, and not expect her to be someone she doesn't have the capacity to be, the better you will feel about yourself. You need to realize that your mother's limitations are not a reflection of your self worth, and the fact that she is not able to be a loving mother does not mean that you are not loveable. It is only a reflection on her psychological issues. Learn to not expect something from her and you won't be disappointed as much. Then anything (any attention) she gives you will be a bonus, and you won't keep trying to make her do or be something which she is incapable of or unwilling to do for whatever reasons in her past has caused her to behave like this.

[lovelylove]

Thanks Nikki and yes, my children have the same problems with my mother, and always ask me why did I expect something different "this time".

Kathy, you're right, but even though I know in my mind that it doesn't make me feel unlovable, I still do. I have repeated these kind of relationships all my life. I cling onto and love someone who for whatever reason (their past, issues) they can't give back the same.... which then reinforces the feeling of being alone and unloved. I know it in my mind, and watching myself is like watching a movie where you tell the person "no, don't go into that room!". I've had years of therapy, and it's helped somewhat... but I just trust people too much (I've been told by many people), get hurt, rinse and repeat. What I"m afraid of is becoming hard-hearted, jaded, and not trusting people, but these are my own issues.

[Nikki82]

Don't worry, you won't be jaded and hard-hearted. There is a middle ground between too trusting and too jaded lol.

 

Knowing your weakness is the first step. Now stop that lady in the movie from walking through the wrong door.

[2sure]

After we have children of own, that we bond with and cherish and raise and nurture....

 

If you have had a distant mother it becomes even more hurtful and confusing after you have your own children. Because then you know what it was SUPPOSED to be like.

 

It is difficult when our mothers do not live up to our expectations.

 

You cant go back, you cant figure it out.

 

Some things you just have to acknowledge as a bad experience. There is no making it better. But you can get comfortable with it. Maybe someday you will forgive her or assume something must have F'd her up.

[Lucky_One]

I am trying to figure out how old your mother is ("old age" is sort of vague). Let's say you had a baby at 15, then by 25 you were married, and then 25 years later, you are now 50. Let's guess your mother is in her 70's.

 

While her current behavior seems to mirror her earlier behavior, she also had a very long extended period (25 years) of being a doting grandmother and loving woman.

 

It almost sounds as though your mother could be in one of the stages of Alzheimer's or adult dementia. Have you talked with your stepfather about her health in general, and has she had a thorough check-up in the past year?

[KathyM]

Thanks Nikki and yes, my children have the same problems with my mother, and always ask me why did I expect something different "this time".

Kathy, you're right, but even though I know in my mind that it doesn't make me feel unlovable, I still do. I have repeated these kind of relationships all my life. I cling onto and love someone who for whatever reason (their past, issues) they can't give back the same.... which then reinforces the feeling of being alone and unloved. I know it in my mind, and watching myself is like watching a movie where you tell the person "no, don't go into that room!". I've had years of therapy, and it's helped somewhat... but I just trust people too much (I've been told by many people), get hurt, rinse and repeat. What I"m afraid of is becoming hard-hearted, jaded, and not trusting people, but these are my own issues.

It's good to be trusting of people. Most people are trustworthy. You just have to realize that some people, like your mother, are not capable of being warm and giving, and it's usually because they were never treated that way as a child, so they never developed that side of themselves. Something went wrong in their early childhood development that caused them to be that way. I suspect, in your mother's case, she had a difficult relationship with her own mother, and had poor role modeling as to how a mother should behave towards her child. That would be my guess as to why your mother behaves the way she does.

[lovelylove]

Luckyone, Bingo!! You're really good at estimating ages, right on the dot! And good guess again re dementia, yes, she does have memory issues. Her MD and neurologist agree that she's showing signs of dementia but aren't calling it Alzheimers, or medicating for that, although she is being given a small dose of antidepressants which seem not to help. I do think a lot of her latest personality changes have to do with aging, and I probably shouldn't be so hurt...

KathyM, 2sure, and Nikki82, thank you for your wise words. You made me feel much much better. xoxoxoxo