, House sold, Keeps Contact

[Rimer]

Hello.. first time poster here.. Here's my story

 

Girlfriend of 8 years tells me she wants to break up out of the bloom. Not for another guy but because I broke many promises I made to change (i have depression for 2+ years now and didn't get any help until the break up. i dint know I had it) so because of that I've been pretty boring to be with and we fought about so stupid little things. Anyways I love her more than life even with the bad times it wasn't all my fault as she's a tough person to be with too but I love her for what she is. Those things I knew were wrong in our relationship I've started to work on them. It's one of those things you don't notice before you lose your loved one.

 

So we had a house we sold it. She moved out 2 weeks ago and I'm still living in the old house for a week as I get to move then and then were over with the house. She calls me every 2-3 days (about the house selling, moving etc) and we were a week without talking except one time on MSN.

 

Right now she's asked for time. At first I didn't give her that because we lived under the same roof it made it hard I made the mistakes of begging her back, telling her i'll change etc. Now last week we saw for the first time in a week and it went well until I burbled something about us again as she doesn't want to talk about our relationship at all at the moment. So she got mad and told me she'd call me sometime next weekend about seeing my new apartment. But in fact she emailed me Wednesday that could I bring her some stuff she left at our apartment and we could take our dog for a walk. Of course I was happy little camper and said of course I'd come. I did go.. we had a great time and were didn't talk about us at all. I was so happy.

 

Now in a week our house will be sold for good to the new owners I'm wondering how should I go from there. She won't have a reason to contact me because of the house then. What should I do? Ask her when she wants to call me/contact me or when could I call her or how does SHE want things to roll on from here. I know she want's her time and I think she still has feelings for me even tho she's not showing them as she's a brick wall of a woman. I feel like all the time I wanna tell her how much I care for her but I've said that so many times she knows it and still I feel like I have to say it even tho everyone says that will just push her further

[broken-and-lost]

Hi m8,

 

Really sorry your going through this, I've had a bit of experience in this was in a similar boat with my ex girlfriend i suffered with depression and she couldn't take it anymore and left. She made her mistakes too but well you know yourself when your caught up in depression it's very hard to see what's going wrong and how to save it until they leave, i actually started fixing the problems while still in the relationship but it wasn't enough for her and she left anyway.

 

I can only tell you no matter what you say it will not convince her that you have changed all you can do is show her with actions, it must be at a bad stage if you to have sold the house. Are you seeing councillor ? if so maybe see if she would agree to go with you and see the things you are doing.

 

What ever you do don't pressure her about getting back together unfortunately this only pushes them further away really does. I really hope you can rescue it but i could have wrote something similar above to you i never thought i'd not be with her today but unfortunately she's now gone big hole left really hope you can rescue it.

 

My best advice don't pressure her with lots of phone calls text or e-mails, see if you can get her involved in therapy sessions with you show her the things your doing if she is willing to see that is

[Rimer]

Hi m8,

 

Really sorry your going through this, I've had a bit of experience in this was in a similar boat with my ex girlfriend i suffered with depression and she couldn't take it anymore and left. She made her mistakes too but well you know yourself when your caught up in depression it's very hard to see what's going wrong and how to save it until they leave, i actually started fixing the problems while still in the relationship but it wasn't enough for her and she left anyway.

 

I can only tell you no matter what you say it will not convince her that you have changed all you can do is show her with actions, it must be at a bad stage if you to have sold the house. Are you seeing councillor ? if so maybe see if she would agree to go with you and see the things you are doing.

 

What ever you do don't pressure her about getting back together unfortunately this only pushes them further away really does. I really hope you can rescue it but i could have wrote something similar above to you i never thought i'd not be with her today but unfortunately she's now gone big hole left really hope you can rescue it.

 

My best advice don't pressure her with lots of phone calls text or e-mails, see if you can get her involved in therapy sessions with you show her the things your doing if she is willing to see that is

 

 

Hi m8

 

What I forgot to say was that I'm not sure if this all has to with the fact too we were very young when we hooked up. It feels like she wants to know what it's like to live alone too. Selling the house was a thing we would have done eventho had we stayed together because of financial reasons (not problems but because house prices are gonna drop here soon).... this just happen while I was writing this message... she called wants to see my new apartment... so i'm picking her up in a hour.. will post here later how that went...

[TheDovic]

Totally agree with "Broken and Lost." You can't convince her of anything through your words, you have to prove to her you have changed (like when you went for a walk and you didn't pressure her).

 

With regard to contact, 8 years is a long time, so regardless of the house I honestly think she'll keep phoning or texting you. It's not easy to just come out of someone's life, in fact it's extremely difficult and painful so odds are she'll be around. It's how you act when she does contact you that matters

[broken-and-lost]

Hi m8

 

What I forgot to say was that I'm not sure if this all has to with the fact too we were very young when we hooked up. It feels like she wants to know what it's like to live alone too. Selling the house was a thing we would have done eventho had we stayed together because of financial reasons (not problems but because house prices are gonna drop here soon).... this just happen while I was writing this message... she called wants to see my new apartment... so i'm picking her up in a hour.. will post here later how that went...

 

well in that case just try to show her what your doing to change and keep building on it hope your afternoon goes well keep us posted

 

good luck

[Rimer]

well in that case just try to show her what your doing to change and keep building on it hope your afternoon goes well keep us posted

 

good luck

 

Ok i'm back..

 

She came see my new pad everything went well.. she wanted me to help her get our dog some food (heavy bags) so of course I helped her. went back to her place for a while and had something to bite quickly... and... everything went well before my freaking brainfart that I said.. "i know you need time, and I hope you'll tell me when your ready" again.. what a ****ing brainfart... I just lose it when I see her.. all reasoning.. everything I KNOW I shouldn't do I do at times.. She gave me the eyerolls and got a little pissed off.. eventho after this she told me she'd call next week (to help clean out the house before the new owners come along) and in 2-3 weeks i'll be pickin up our dog for the weekend to look after it..

 

Now I see this next 2-3 weeks as critical to remain any hope.. I'm thinking I just need to shut up, give her time, let her call me if she wants and focus on myself for that time before I do go pick up our dog and show her then I've started the change progress of not yacking about US everytime... What do you guys/gals think?

[Rimer]

Just had to add this too..

 

I'm thinking going NC on my behalf but the problem here is that we have a dog together which we decided from the get go to keep so that we both own it but in the end the dog is at her house all the time except when I take him over sometimes during the weekends. Now because of this she'll be forced to keep contact with me. How should I roll with this? On the other hand I can go NC but she will contact me but will it only be because of the dog or how should I know? If she doesn't mention the dog in anyway?

[Rimer]

Update: 10/17/11

 

Well.. our house was finally given over to the new owners. Got together with the ex to talk about how we'll go from here. We decided together to go NC for 2 weeks to think about stuff. Well... that night at 2am she txted me and we txted back and fourth for a while, she seemed very down and I asked her if she wants me to come over to talk. She said yes.. I went.. We had a good talk about the reasons behind our break up(for the first time with it not leading to a fight). We started dating when we were very young 16 and together for 8½ years. The relationship was the first real relationship for both. It seems she needs her time and wants to see what it's like to be single. Yet she doesn't want to start a new relationship for at least a half year with anyone including me. She said because we fought a lot etc why it was easier for her to do this. We talked all night and it was clear we both still had feelings for each other and love each other. Make matters crazier we had sex at night and once we woke up. It was great too best we've had in a long time and we cuddled and it felt great to have her close. But even after this we had a talk and she said she still needs her time she has to do this because our problems can't be solved over night and she wants to see I can fulfill those promises I made her before and let her down on. Now we decided to go NC for few days again to think about stuff etc... I don't know how to feel now... I want her so badly back but I know it's gonna require work to do so and I'm ready to do it.

 

Did I do a big mistake going over to her place and having sex? The trip gave me a lot of answers I've been seeking since the break up. I know some of you will say she just used me to better her own bad feelings.

 

Should I just give her time and better myself and hope things turn to the better?

[carhill]

She wants to break up an 8 year relationship and sell the house, and did so.

 

Where are the consequences for her?

 

If you're split up, you're split up. She gets zero help or compassion or care from you and no dickie on command. Otherwise, she's going to pick from the menu you offer her, eat her fill and leave the rest of the plate for the help to 'adios'.

 

Unless you have a plan for reconciliation and she's enthusiastically behind it, consider the house sale the last act. Lights out, curtain drops. Over.

[Rimer]

She wants to break up an 8 year relationship and sell the house, and did so.

 

Where are the consequences for her?

 

If you're split up, you're split up. She gets zero help or compassion or care from you and no dickie on command. Otherwise, she's going to pick from the menu you offer her, eat her fill and leave the rest of the plate for the help to 'adios'.

 

Unless you have a plan for reconciliation and she's enthusiastically behind it, consider the house sale the last act. Lights out, curtain drops. Over.

 

That just is it. My plan is to get over my depression, get my self esteem back and win her back. I'm gonna give it 1-2 months to see where things go. Then I'm gonna some day lay it out. Either give me straight answers as you've had your time now you wanted or I'm gone for good. How does that sound? I mean my depression was major role in the break up why I just became a hollow shell (I didn't know I was depressed neither did she untill after the break up) but these things ain't corrected over night that's why I'm willing to give the time.

[carhill]

OK, what's her part? I ask, mindful of this quote:

 

"she's a tough person to be with too but I love her for what she is."

 

Sounds like you *both* have issues to work on. What are her goals to make any new relationship healthier?

 

I'm only asking this since you wish to reconcile. Otherwise, I could care less. She's a non-entity otherwise; no different than a stranger.

 

Tell me, when you were struggling with your issues you now know as depression, how did that go? How did she express her support, care and love to you? I ask this acknowledging that you and she were together 8 years, longer than some marriages (nearly as long as mine) and cohabited. You weren't 'dating'. This was a committed and supposedly loving relationship. Did she feel loved? Did you?

 

Are you getting therapy for your depression?

[Rimer]

OK, what's her part? I ask, mindful of this quote:

 

"she's a tough person to be with too but I love her for what she is."

 

Sounds like you *both* have issues to work on. What are her goals to make any new relationship healthier?

 

I'm only asking this since you wish to reconcile. Otherwise, I could care less. She's a non-entity otherwise; no different than a stranger.

 

Tell me, when you were struggling with your issues you now know as depression, how did that go? How did she express her support, care and love to you? I ask this acknowledging that you and she were together 8 years, longer than some marriages (nearly as long as mine) and cohabited. You weren't 'dating'. This was a committed and supposedly loving relationship. Did she feel loved? Did you?

 

Are you getting therapy for your depression?

 

Thanks for the response again.

 

Good questions. She did say we both need to change for us to work. How she's going to do her part, that's one thing she needs to time for too. She does have emotional problems because of her childhood and I accept those. As for showing me her support she did her best for years to kick me into shape but they went to def ears on my part. I just didn't give a **** myself and there for it hurt us but I didn't realize how much it hurt US before it was too late. We didn't do stuff anymore (go out etc) because I was just working, watching tv or on the internet as I just didn't have the will power to put a effort into doing anything for myself or her. I was like well this is what life is gonna be for the rest of my life being a pessimist of course.

 

About feeling the love. We felt the love. She said LOVE isn't everything LOVE can't save everything. Even with my depression I would have moved the world for her every time when needed. She did try to kick me in gear out of love.

 

I'm seeing counseling for the depression. I'm think about asking for Anti-D

[carhill]

Ask your counselor about 'support and challenge'.

 

I'm hearing the 'challenge' from 'kick me into shape'. I'm interested in the balance, which is the 'support'.

 

Is she or has she been counseled for her emotional problems from childhood? If yes, is that ongoing? What does she propose to work on while you and she are 'broken up' but apparently still in contact and having sex?

 

Is your counselor a clinical psychologist? I ask because you suggest you may be depressed. This is an issue where greater experience and training is suggested, along with a potential referral to a MD for medical intervention, like medications. Get the best help you can find and afford.

 

If you and your partner are considering this period 'time alone', what is the agreement for that time? Are you and she free to date others/have sex with others, etc, etc? What's the agreement? If you want to work on yourselves, that's great; if you both want to continue the relationship in some form and agree on that form, that's great too. Get some clarity on it. If she proposes anything but clear boundaries, she's not interested in continuing at this time. If so, as our MC opined, you have a decision to make.