Was/is he abusive? Don't know what to make of this

[Fleabitten]

Would you say this is abuse?

 

My ex broke up with me. I am by no means innocent. I don't know what to make of this. Were we both abusive? Was he abusive? Or was it all my fault?

 

He is best friends with his ex girlfriend, I was very uncomfortable with this. I was jealous. He claims this was emotional abuse towards him. I never stopped him seeing her, I just didn't come along when they went out together and I didn't like him going on holiday with her (not just them but a group of people to be fair to him). In his mind, me being uncomfortable with this, is the root of all his bad behaviour. Everything of the below that he did, was because of something I did to him first.

 

- He walked out on me every few weeks and then came back. God knows why I let him.

- He has a problem with drink and drugs. He walked out on me when I challenged his benzo (Valium, Xanax) abuse. He texted me to say he was going to f*ck this or that person. He said I made him use drugs because I made him unhappy with my controlling behaviour (not wanting him to be best friends with his ex)

- He compared me to his ex, saying I could never be the woman she is. He said she is more beautiful than me, better in bed. Pulled up on it, he claims he said it because he'd been driven crazy by me and anyone would have said the same in his situation.

- Every time he walked out on me, he would call me ugly, fat, mental, old (he is 5 years younger than me) He really has called me every name under the sun. Fat, crazy, old( "I'll always be on the shelf"), ugly, mental, whore, cunt, bitch - you name it - he's said it.

- He compared me to other women he'd had sex with - unfavourably to me of course.

- For the record, our sex life was always amazing and when he wasn't in evil mode he always told me how he never felt this way with anyone, how the sex was a different world compared to before ( I agree) and he would tell me I'm beautiful (which I used to be but now I'm a shadow of me) and amazing and that he wanted to marry me and have children.

- He often accused me of having affairs because "I'm a lying, cheating whore" (I was never unfaithful to him, and never to previous boyfriends either. He was though, when he was younger, but I don't want to judge him on that as people do change.

- He started using heroin "recreationally". I obviously objected. He said I could have no say in this because I was on anti depressants so I also used drugs and it was the same.

- Eventually he smashed my iPhone, my laptop, my TV, my front door and a very expensive framed photographic print I gave him for his birthday. I did slash his bike tyre in retaliation so unfortunately this incident does not leave me blameless and guilt free. But it was a desperate act, after seeing all my thing being broken in front of me, not that that's any excuse.

- He filmed me on his phone when I was angry packing his bags and putting them outside our front door. (I did this because he said he wanted to move out, he wanted to end it, he hated me - I didn't initiate it. No doubt was I being irrational though) He was laughing as he filmed me, saying he was going to show it to everyone. I tried to take the phone off him, he wouldn't let me, he grabbed me from behind around the neck, I was choking, I bit him, he threw me off him, I landed on a table and got a black eye. I called the police and he was arrested. He thinks I lied to the police and made everything up - after all, he only acted in self defence when I was being crazy. He made himself out to be the victim of this unfair arrest. I deeply regret calling the police, I was just frightened and irrational, I didn't actually fear for my physical safety (just for my psychological one, but the police is not who to turn to for this)

– He posted above video of me online (I saw it, he sent me the link saying "everyone" was laughing at it). He also said that he had posted a video of us having sex online. Everyone was laughing at that too, because they all think I'm ugly. Later he said that it was a lie, he never uploaded it, just said so to rile me. I still don't know and I don't think I'll ever find out unless someone I know comes across it. I'm sure he's shown the video to people though. I was extremely distressed about this, such a betrayal of trust.

- We could never ever resolve any conflicts because he just point blank refused to accept he had anything to do with them - apart from "having a bit of a temper" he is completely innocent, and I'm a crazy bitch. I often asked him how we could resolve things, what he needed from me, I told him what I needed from him (ie don't call me ugly, a cunt, or a whore etc), he would never be constructive but just dismiss everything saying that I was crazy, just blocking everything and laughing at me. I am not an easy person but I've worked hard on myself, therapy several times during my life - I'm 35, from a family with history of depression (hence the bouts of therapy) but have an amazing family and had a great childhood, so his abuse was nothing I recognised from my previous life and came to think of as normal. I run my own successful business, I'm educated, I'm financially sufficient, I own my property. My ex would of course often claim that all women are out to get money off men and he would highlight how much more money he made than me (not true).

 

What makes me think that this is NOT abuse is that I really don't think it was premeditated, he just loses his temper. He never was controlling as such, he'd just lose the plot. Does that mean that he is just "hot headed" rather than "abusive"? Or was I abusive?

 

Could I have caused this by being a jealous psycho? (for the record he was insanely jealous of a man I slept with a few months before meeting him). Did I really make him do this? I am not an easy person but I really try and sort my own issues out and I NEVER EVER called him names or walked out on him...

 

We are now broken up and I don't ever want to see him again but a part of me really wants to know what I did wrong. How did I turn him into this? I don't ever want it to happen again.

 

Anyone who can shed any light on this situation is very much appreciated, even if it is to tell me that it was actually all my own doing. I don't ever want to end up like this again, no matter what it takes.

[c0nfuzd]

$hit, I've done a lot less to my wife and I still consider myself an abuser.......make no mistake about it, he is also one

 

if he doesn't see his problem, once he stops his drug abuse it will be clear to him as daylight........that is if he can stop his drug abuse

[SincereOnlineGuy]

a part of me really wants to know what I did wrong.

 

 

You began dating an abusive drug-addict who still has designs on banging his ex girlfriend.

 

Beyond that, stop blaming yourself for the symptoms you refused to diagnose.

[Downtown]

Flea, the behavior you describe sounds like strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). For example, the flipping from adoring you to hating you in ten seconds -- based on some minor thing you said or did -- is a hallmark of BPDers (i.e., those with strong BPD traits). Because you are so strongly attracted to that type of passionate person, you are at risk of leaving him only to run right into the arms of another unstable man just like him.

 

I therefore suggest that you read about the nine BPD traits so you know the red flags to look for. On this forum, an easy place to start is my discussion of those traits in Katt's thread. They start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3361912#post3361912. If that discussion rings a bell and you have questions, Flea, I would be glad to discuss it further with you or point you to good online resources. Take care, Flea.

[betterdeal]

You were in a very abusive relationship and in such both parties frequently switch roles between abuser and victim and even rescuer. What matters now is that you stay out of that relationship. It will take you some time to process all that has happened and to find peace, but it will happen. First, remove yourself from that difficult relationship. Everyone is responsible for their own actions, including those who have "a bit of a temper".

[Fleabitten]

Wow, I never knew about BPD. Reading up on it, a lot of it rings very true with him. But some of the traits I probably have too to some extent... though hoping that since I've already spent years of my life in therapy, somebody would have noticed if I had this illness... and I never displayed any of these behaviours in previous relationships, just this crazy one. I don't know. I'm really grieving the loss of him though. :-(

[OnyxSnowfall]

Wow, I never knew about BPD. Reading up on it, a lot of it rings very true with him. But some of the traits I probably have too to some extent... though hoping that since I've already spent years of my life in therapy, somebody would have noticed if I had this illness... and I never displayed any of these behaviours in previous relationships, just this crazy one. I don't know. I'm really grieving the loss of him though. :-(

 

There's a lot of good information about BPD on this website : http://gettinbetter.com/articles.html

 

I'm a BPD nut ... as for the diagnosis, it is often confused with bipolar disorder (among other ones) though there are very distinct differences. My first therapist did not consider BPD with me, and counselors of course never did. It was only until I was seeing a different therapist and brought up my issues with "idealizing" and then "devaluing" my boyfriend at the flip of a switch (otherwise known as splitting) that it was further explored. I've also since researched it quite a bit myself.

 

This book could be good to read:

http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1318183727&sr=8-1

 

Whether or not he has BPD though...

 

you need to realize *you* didn't turn him into anything. Guarantee he was extremely messed up prior to you and he will CONTINUE to be extremely messed up after you, no fault of yours (cliche, but his childhood is probably the issue here). The only thing you can do to make sure something like this doesn't happen again in the future is for you to figure out why YOU put up with his treatment and horrible behavior for so long.

 

Something within you either craved his validation so badly that you were willing to be broken down to nearly nothing or you felt somewhere that you could change him / things or...

 

Also, people in relationships with BPD's can emulate some of their traits. Being in a relationship with a BPD is usually extremely toxic... again though, even if your boyfriend does not have BPD, just what you've written sounds utterly damaging and confusing and it doesn't surprise me that you would be questioning your judgment and your self and are still in distress.

 

I hope you have a support system or are on the edge of building one up --- you need to see you didn't deserve his treatment and definitely not his abuse --- beyond subjecting yourself to it by allowing him to remain in your life.

Edited October 9, 2011 by OnyxSnowfall

[Fleabitten]

There's a lot of good information about BPD on this website : http://gettinbetter.com/articles.html

 

I'm a BPD nut ... as for the diagnosis, it is often confused with bipolar disorder (among other ones) though there are very distinct differences. My first therapist did not consider BPD with me, and counselors of course never did. It was only until I was seeing a different therapist and brought up my issues with "idealizing" and then "devaluing" my boyfriend at the flip of a switch (otherwise known as splitting) that it was further explored. I've also since researched it quite a bit myself.

 

This book could be good to read:

http://www.amazon.com/Stop-Walking-Eggshells-Borderline-Personality/dp/1572246901/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1318183727&sr=8-1

 

Whether or not he has BPD though...

 

you need to realize *you* didn't turn him into anything. Guarantee he was extremely messed up prior to you and he will CONTINUE to be extremely messed up after you, no fault of yours (cliche, but his childhood is probably the issue here). The only thing you can do to make sure something like this doesn't happen again in the future is for you to figure out why YOU put up with his treatment and horrible behavior for so long.

 

Something within you either craved his validation so badly that you were willing to be broken down to nearly nothing or you felt somewhere that you could change him / things or...

 

Also, people in relationships with BPD's can emulate some of their traits. Being in a relationship with a BPD is usually extremely toxic... again though, even if your boyfriend does not have BPD, just what you've written sounds utterly damaging and confusing and it doesn't surprise me that you would be questioning your judgment and your self and are still in distress.

 

I hope you have a support system or are on the edge of building one up --- you need to see you didn't deserve his treatment and definitely not his abuse --- beyond subjecting yourself to it by allowing him to remain in your life.

 

My god. Everything on that website (obviously only just dipped into it) is as if it was written about my relationship with him.

 

I had no idea. 1.5 years. And I still love him. I thought I was self aware but I'm a complete, naive, idiot. Thank you all so, so much for enlightening me to this... I need to survive, I need to get through this and you are helping me. I'm so grateful.

[Downtown]

Some of the BPD traits I probably have too to some extent... though hoping that since I've already spent years of my life in therapy, somebody would have noticed if I had this illness...

Flea, BPDers do not differ from other people in kind. Rather, they differ only in degree. Like body aches and pimples, BPD traits are something that all of us have -- to various degrees. They arise from primitive emotional defenses that we all use 24/7 during early childhood to survive. They become a problem only when we continue to rely on them heavily in adulthood, at which time we should be using the more mature emotional defenses that are necessary for sustaining LTRs with loved ones. It is because you have such traits -- and relied on them heavily all through childhood -- that it is so easy for you to spot them when a strong pattern of BPD traits occurs in someone you have dated a long time.

 

This is not to say that you can determine whether the traits are so persistent and severe as to satisfy 100% of the criteria for having full-blown BPD. Only professionals can determine that. You can, however, easily spot the red flags, i.e., strong BPD traits, when they occur. To appreciate the difference between these two tasks, consider that -- before you left high school -- you already could spot extreme selfishness and grandiosity without having a clue as to how to diagnose Narcissistic PD. You already could spot extreme shyness without being able to diagnose Avoidant PD. And you could easily spot the class showoff -- without trying to diagnose Histrionic PD.

 

Likewise, you are able to spot strong occurrences of BPD traits without having to determine whether those traits are so severe as to constitute a full blown disorder. This is an important skill to develop because, even when BPD traits fall well short of that diagnostic level, they can easily undermine a marriage and make your life miserable.

 

My concern for you is that, like me, you may be an excessive caregiver (i.e., have strong "codependent" aspects to your personality). If so, there is a risk you will be drawn again and again to unstable BPDer men because -- convinced they are eternal "victims" -- they project an enormous sense of vulnerability ("catnip" to caregivers like me).

 

Caregivers like us are the ones you see moving toward a person that others are running from. We walk right past all of the emotionally available people (BORING) until we find someone who desperately needs us. As I understand it, our problem is that our desire to be needed (for what we can do) far exceeds our desire to be loved (for the people we already are). We therefore have difficulty feeling that we are loved by a person who does not desperately need us. In this way, we confuse being needed for being loved.

 

P.S. -- I really like Onyx's post above. Lots of good insight into the plight of BPDers and those who love them.

[betterdeal]

And there is always the chance that two people who have emotional regulation issues (in Europe BPD is called Emotional Regulation Disorder) get together. It's not always a PD and a non-PD that get together.

[Downtown]

It's not always a PD and a non-PD that get together.

Good point, BetterDeal.

[Fleabitten]

Thank you... I am definitely an excessive caregiver, probably co-dependent. His lost little boy act definitely got me, I would do everything from cooking him healthy meals and buy him vitamins when he felt bad, I arranged and paid for a visit to a psychiatrist when he was severly depressed after a heroin binge and said he wanted anti-depressants (of course he only stuck with the meds for a week, then blamed the psychiatrist for being a quack)… always apologising, taking all the blame, always trying to fix… I really need to work out why I let myself be treated like that for so long.

[betterdeal]

That's going to be the most interesting journey you'll have had in a long time, I bet. At the end you'll have a much stronger sense of who you are and be a better, happier, freer person for it. Look into emotional boundaries, inner child, emotional detachment and assertiveness training. Here's a few books I liked and you might find interesting:

 

The Emotionally Abusive Relationship: How to Stop Being Abused and How to Stop Abusing

Beverly Engel

 

When I Say No, I Feel Guilty: How to Cope, Using the Skills of Systematic Assertive Therapy

Manuel J. Smith

 

Overcoming Depression : a Self-help Guide Using Cognitive Behavioral Techniques

Paul Gilbert

 

Boundaries and Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self

Charles L. Whitfield

 

Lost in the Mirror: An Inside Look at Borderline Personality Disorder

Richard A. Moskovitz

 

Most are by North American authors and therefore there's some cultural bias to work your way through, but all of those have been very helpful and insightful for me.

[Downtown]

Thank you... I am definitely an excessive caregiver… I really need to work out why I let myself be treated like that for so long.

BetterDeal's book suggestions are an excellent place to begin. Also, available for free online is an article by therapist Shari Schreiber. Flea, it is the best explanation I've found for why folks like us learn in childhood to become the family "fixers," the caregivers who feel valuable only as long as we are helping people in desperate need. This excellent article -- "Do You Love to be Needed, or Need to be Loved" -- is located at http://gettinbetter.com/needlove.html.

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[turnera]

So, you are walking away from him, right? Just checking, because codependents often find themselves taking the abusers back.

 

And no, you did nothing wrong. He would have done the same things with anyone.

Edited October 10, 2011 by turnera