Mother in Abusive Relationship

[EmptyPalms]

I've been needing somewhere I can vent my feelings about this, so this will be my first post on this website.

 

My mother is currently married to this guy, who is very abusive to her. He is mainly psychologically abusive, but he has hit her in the past. He was married twice before.

 

My father had passed away a few years prior. He died in a motorcycle accident involving a drunk driver hitting him.

 

They have been married for a few years now. When they first started dating he seemed nice. Living with my mother at the time, we were living in a different city than him (about 40 miles away). She visited him often, sometimes spending days at his place. My sister and I were still in High School, so we had to stay there by ourselves.

 

They dated for a while. He got fired from his job because he cussed out his boss. He let out some sob story how he would be homeless because he can't pay for his apartment. My mom let him move in with us.

 

One day they surprised us with a marriage license. After that things went downhill.

 

He started getting into arguments with my sister (arguments over stupid things, like closing kitchen cabinets too hard, ect.). After various times that this happened, she decided to move out and live with her friend.

 

Not long after that, and things still going on, I decided to move out. I think I was 16 at the time (soon to be 20). I went to live with my grandmother. I remember one birthday, while things were still going on earlier in the day. My mom had made me a cake and brought it to my grandmothers house. I remember when the two of them started to sing, I just started crying.

 

Now after I moved out, he changed his attention to my mother. There have been numerous occasions where he beat her. She has gotten a restraining order before. She also dropped it before. She's gone to court once when he was arrested (domestic violence).

 

He is very twisted, but no matter what, she won't leave him. She tells us things when stuff happens, but she never leaves him. It is very frustrating (like the boy who called wolf). He always tells her things. Things that a husband wouldn't say if they really loved you. I think while she has been married to him, she has changed because of the psychological warfare that she has to endure every day.

 

Earlier today I had received a call from her. I wasn't surprised at all.

 

He says things to her like, "If your going to shoot yourself, make sure you do it in the yard." He always says bad things like that to her, use your imagination. Then when she tells him to leave, he says "No, because I stand by my wife." He tries to play things off like my mother is crazy. I know she isn't, it is just the psychological games that he played on her that made her like this.

 

He is so far in denial, he will never admit to anything. He twists things to make them suit himself. Since he has a "record" now, he won't do anything that will jeoparadize himself.

 

I'm not sure what to do at this point. Do we talk to her about divorce? He says she can't get a divorce. We've tried to contact his previous wives, we got one on the phone. Asked about him, they said "No comment. No comment." They hung up the phone.

 

Sorry this might be a wall of text, but it is obvious that she is in a abusive relationship. I don't know how to help her. I'm just so distraught at this point on how to handle this situation.

[Downtown]

My mother is currently married to this guy, who is very abusive to her. He is mainly psychologically abusive, but he has hit her in the past. He was married twice before.

Empty, welcome to the LoveShack forum. The behavior you describe -- lack of impulse control, inappropriate anger, verbal and physical abuse, controlling, refusing to accept responsibility for his own actions, and instability (flipping quickly from adoration to hatred) -- are classic traits of a man having strong traits of BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). Whether those traits are so strong as to constitute full-blown BPD is a determination only a professional can make. Yet, even when the traits fall well short of that diagnostic threshold, they can undermine a marriage and destroy families.

He tries to play things off like my mother is crazy. I know she isn't, it is just the psychological games that he played on her that made her like this.

This is one of the hallmarks of a BPDer (person with strong traits). Indeed, it is so well known among ex-partners and ex-spouses that they have given it a name: "gaslighting." It is named after the classic 1944 movie "Gaslight," in which a husband (Charles Boyer) tries to drive his new bride (Ingrid Bergman) crazy in order to get her institutionalized, allowing him to run off with her family jewels. One of his many tricks -- and the reason for the movie's title -- is to turn the house gaslights down a tiny bit each day, all the while claiming that he is having no trouble reading his books.

I'm not sure what to do at this point. Do we talk to her about divorce?

To have stayed with such a man so long, your mother most likely is strongly codependent (an excessive caregiver) like I am. If so, she is loath to walk away from a sick loved one, who she is determined to fix and make happy. The best way of bringing such a person to their senses, IME with hundreds of BPDer partners, is to give her information explaining that she is attempting an impossible task -- and that the BPDer likely will grow increasingly resentful each year and eventually walk out on her permanently (as my BPDer exW did).

 

I therefore suggest that you start by reading about the nine BPD traits to see if this information sound relevant to your mother's situation. An easy place to begin here on this forum is my description of such traits in Katt's thread. My posts there start at http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?p=3361912#post3361912. If that discussion rings a bell, Empty, I suggest you obtain a copy of Stop Walking on Eggshells, which is the #1 best selling BPD book that is targeted to spouses like your mother.

 

If you decide to give the book to your mother, please caution her that it is generally considered unwise to tell a BPDer that he has strong BPD traits. He almost certainly would project the accusation back onto her, firmly believing that she is the one having such traits. If you have any questions about this discussion, I would be glad to discuss it with you further. Take care, Empty.