Unhealthy obssesion w- bf's ex

[Claudette]

First of all, I'm new here; I registered because I realized I truly need help. I've read some threads about this same situation and I need someone to talk to and listen to some opinions, I've already talked to my best friend but I am still confused. It's kind of a long story but I'll try my best to summarize it.

 

Back in 2007 I meet my now bf, that was an awful year, I liked him but I was afraid to get hurt so we went out and stopped it a lot but we never got to be serious, point is he was actually in the middle of what seemed to be an awful break up with his (now ex) fiancée - (I specifically told him I would not go out with him if that was not truly over but he said it was even before we first went out)- whom he met when he was just 21 and she had a 2 year old child (he loves the kid like his own child, still now), and went out with many other women until we decided to finally be "exclusive” in November, but not into a relationship, bc I didn't trust him after all that had happened that year, in July 07 e.g. he left me waiting when we were supposed to go out, to hook up w-his ex, he was struggling to decide between me and her (I didn’t know that back then), at the end I stepped back, things with his ex did too, so he started dating again many women at the same time but still called me then.

 

I was just 19, too naive and stupid at the time, so I lost my virginity to him in 2008 but still I kept saying I didn't want to be his gf, in may I finally say yes, a few weeks later he starts acting all weird and distant, one night at a bar the "ex" (she’s 5 years older than me btw ) shows up and in front of me she says to him "Hi baby" and starts fighting him in a low voice (to date I still don't know what she said) then turned to go but stopped and gave me her hand and told me "Hi -my name- nice to meet you" in a very sarcastic and hateful tone.

 

All I knew from her personality was that she was a "psycho" from his stories and some friends of his, even from my best friend who once had to suffer one of her public shows, so I kind of trusted what he said about that night. But suspicion started creeping over, so one night when he fell asleep I took his cell and saw that the first call was to her that same day... it had the love nickname that he called her and I knew it. I call from my cell as a private call, she picked up, I hung up, she called to my bf's cell and I pick it up... she started yelling at me of why I had HER BF's cell, I try to calm her down telling her that I am confused bc we've been together for several months now and recently are in a relationship which even my family knew of, she then calms and tells me that they actually went back together in January of that same year and were getting married in a few days! she went to his house, I got sick bc of the shocking discoveries, she explained things to me, went to confront him (he was sleeping) and in front of me he told her I was just an object to take revenge of somthing she had done to him, but she had done nothing!

 

All the way back to my house (she drove me) he kept calling her (she was using the speakerphone), and asking her to forgive him that she was the love of his life, that he wanted to die if he was not w-her, etc. and she told me a lot about that relationship. To me, he insulted me blaming me of everything, that it was my fault for being disrespectful to him and making him lose his gf and child, for waking him up to that awful experience, but I knew nothing until that awful night! A few hours later he apologized for everything and kept saying that he loved me, some weeks went by with her calling me telling me that they had broken up, then gotten back, then decided to go on and get married and finally one last call from her telling they had broken up he was all mine (like he was an object), him also calling me every day, me sick and weak and broken like never in my life. At the end I went back w him and their relationship ended with her slapping me across the face and hitting my bf when he defended me bc I was in shock and didn’t understand what was happening. More than 3 years have passed and ‘til last year she kept calling him asking her to go back to her even when she was in a relationship with another man, asking him for money 3 times for the kid and he gave it to her! But he told me of that several months after that happened, and that he did it for the child’s sake. She spread awful rumors of me (all of them lies), called me names whenever, wherever and however she could to the point it really affected me. And I never did absolutely anything to defend myself…

 

 

All this time I never stopped thinking of her, some months I hate her to death, some months I pity her, wish her for the best, sometimes I just forget about her existence (but it never lasts more than 2 months at a time), I feel like sh*t compared to her, and I never stop stalking her. I feel jealous of their 4 years relationship and near marriage of how things with them seemed to be so much better than with me, their songs, their places, everything. Because I made the awful mistake of stalking her, and him, seeing public and very private stuff from them and even asking him to tell me about that. It was relationship with strong and deep feelings and experiences, to the point of making her the love of his life, he now says I am but I doubt it.

 

 

He’s been mildly depressed for more than a year now, telling me he doesn’t exactly know why, one of the causes he says it’s missing that child he loves like his own, but the rest he doesn’t say, I stalk him in forums where he writes and shares deep feelings (but doesn’t know I do that otherwise he would have erased it all and changed his user), and have found out a lot more, he still has not forgotten her and still hurts for her, she got married a few days ago and he still doesn’t know and I know that I’m going to end up hurting a lot more when I sense his reaction to that.

 

 

I still don’t understand why he left her to be with me at the end, she apparently was the best woman for him, even if he tells me he loves me to death, wants to marry me, move out with me, spend the rest of his life w-me, and that with her he felt forced into the relationship and that they would have ended up killing each other. I just don’t feel it he also has flirted a lot w-other women behind me back, to date I don’t know if he has physically cheated on me besides that awful time in 2008 but I can’t help but think he has. And all that to the fact the he still remembers her a lot…

 

It was a long writing I’m sorry, I did the best I could to resume it, there was still more but that was the relevant stuff.. I just don’t know if I should finish this relationship or go on and learn to leave the past behind.

 

 

 

Thank you

Edited October 8, 2011 by Claudette

[Desensitized]

Hello Claudette,

I read most of your post and I went through the main points. First of all, it seems that you got with your boyfriend when he was rebounding; he decided to get with you because he does seem pretty codependent. I know it will be hard hearing this, but your boyfriend still has feelings for his ex-fiancee. Of course he also likes you too, but he honestly doesn't know what he wants. Your situation sounds like a very volatile relationship, and I would strongly urge you to get out of it. However, the choice is yours.

 

Getting out of a bad relationship is never easy, but with time, you do start healing. Your relationship is not a healthy one, and it will continue to get worse. You can either start healing as soon as possible, or you can prolong the inevitable disaster that's waiting to happen. Bottom line is, you don't trust him, which is understandable given everything you've found out.

 

Do yourself a favor, and get out of that relationship now. He will make every attempt to try and convince you that you are better off with him, but don't swallow that b.s. - stay strong and cut contact with him. Focus on yourself. Guys come and go, and with time, you will see that letting him go was the best decision you ever made.

[bikinibeach]

wow--- honey, do you have any hobbies??

 

seriously, how much time out of your life has this ridiculous drama that has nothing to you with you gone on for?

 

why do you dislike yourself so much that out of millions of men who would treat you well and consistently bring joy and happiness (not drama and tears) to your life, you think that this guy is the best you can do???

 

please go get counselling. even the free kind. dump him and go STRICT NC. change your email, cell num,ber and block them both on facebook.

 

you need to forget that they exist and start healing yourself for the wonderful man out there who is waiting for you.

 

trust me, i was there. check some of my earliest posts. i was crazy with it.

 

after i let it all go and got myself out of that drama and negativity completely, i focussed on making myself better and getting therapy.

 

THEN... i met the most AMAZING gorgeous, down-to-earth, very successful, spiritual, funny man (with a bad boy streak!) that treats (and calls!) me like a princess.

 

let her have him! let them have each other!!

 

take your power back.

 

also this website can really help:

http://www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/list-of-posts/

 

good luck

[Claudette]

Desensitized and Bikinibeach, thank you for taking the time to read and answer.

 

I appreciate your advice and I agree with almost everything you say. What I wrote was to explain the core of my obsession, the relationship has had it's ups and downs, and even if it has been bad sometimes it has also been very good, in spite of all, he always chose to stay with me even when his ex gave him a chance (and I told him to take it if he felt like it, and I would just vanish from their lives). His family loves me for all the good things I've made him accomplish and making him a better man, apparently when he was with his ex he wasn't that much bc both had a very rough personality and that exploded sometimes involving the families. And so does my family (love him).

 

I came to realise he still remembers his ex just a few days ago -although I always thought that was it, that was a long and deep relationship-, and he didn't tell me, he wrote it in some forum. He has been very good to me, just that I've found out certain things that distress me.

 

His ex is now married to someone else btw -just a few days ago-, so maybe them getting back together wont happen, she seems happy now.

 

Bikinibeach, I don't actually have too much hobbies, I exercise sometimes, read.. and well that's pretty much it, this drama has gone on for more than 3 years now, she stopped calling both of us last year.

 

I'm weighing every opinion and will get professional help about this to reach a final decision, probably ending the relationship would be the best bc being with him I don't think I'll be able to forget it all when I have to see his face almost everyday, the grudges for the past are still there.

 

I'll read your previous posts and again thanks a million for taking your time.

Edited October 9, 2011 by Claudette