CantWaitForJune Posted May 16, 2004 Share Posted May 16, 2004 Not to say that the "unhappy" topics are any less important... Anyways, I'm planning on asking my sweetheart (let's call her "April", in case she stumbles upon this site and thread) of over two years to marry me. I will pop the surprise question to her on her birthday in late June, after a day-long, cross-the-city treasure hunt involving all of our favorite pasttimes, and some of our "first" places. I'm confident what her answer will be, and I'm so excited just thinking about it! The issue: April's father is a nice, but intimidating man. The first night I met him, let's just say, he put the old-fashioned fear of an old wooden shotgun in me. Things have gone much better in the past two years (I have been told lately that he has told April that I'm a "good guy," and I've joined them for dinner and family events countless times). But to this day, at times, I have a hard time talking to him. April tends to think that it's not necessary to ask his "permission" (we've discussed the issue as a hypothetical), a: because ultimately it's her decision, and b: she tends to think that he won't care either way. I tend disagree, and plan on going through with the tradition anyway. My questions are these: What do you all think about the tradition itself? Is it antiquated, and no longer neccesary? Or do you think that there's still a place for it? And now, the much harder question: How do I go about it? I am still intimidated every time I talk to him, and I'm not sure what to say, how to ask, or when/where the "pre-preposal" should take place. I know it's hard not knowing more about me, him, or the situation... maybe I just need my fears alleviated. Thanks! Link to post Share on other sites
UCFKevin Posted May 16, 2004 Share Posted May 16, 2004 I think it's incredibly respectful, antequated or not. Screw it. You're showing a very nice gesture by doing this. I'll do it when the time comes. In ten thousand friggin' years. Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted May 16, 2004 Share Posted May 16, 2004 ask him, its respectful. Link to post Share on other sites
ladyangel Posted May 16, 2004 Share Posted May 16, 2004 I agree with the others. I think it's a very sweet and respectful thing to do. My stepson just recently got engaged and he took his future father-in-law to lunch first and asked him. Of course, he said yes. When it's put to them that way it earns a lot of brownie points too, both from the father and the future bride. Link to post Share on other sites
Kat Posted May 16, 2004 Share Posted May 16, 2004 Depending on the relationship between the father and daughter, I would say do it. I can't wait for my partner to propose to me and he knows that it would mean the world to me to ask my hand from my father first. Call it old fashioned, but you can't get much more romantic (chicks view) or respectful (dads view) imho Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted May 16, 2004 Share Posted May 16, 2004 I also say, ask him. I can't wait for my partner to propose either, and he knows I'd love it if he'd ask my Dad...old fashioned or not. Just arrange to meet him sometime, and be honest and tell him how much you love his daughter...you can't lose then! Link to post Share on other sites
Papillon Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 I think in the end, the relationship you have with the girl's father will decide whether you ask him. If the relationship is good, you'll ask him, and it will probably be a pointless question. But if the relation is bad, then the question is avoided because the answer will probably be "no" anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
jmargel Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 Ask him. It'll show him how much respect you have for her and he in turn will show respect back. It'll make you two closer as well. You are in some ways taking his little girl. Sounds like he's protective of her and loves her. I'm sure he'll give you the 'talk'. All guys who go through this, get it. It's not biggie. When I proposed and told my fiancee that I asked for her dad's blessing first, she thought that was the best! Link to post Share on other sites
HT_Nut Posted May 26, 2004 Share Posted May 26, 2004 I did that with my ex-wife's father. I have to tell you, it was the coolest thing! It was actually done at a family reunion with pretty much the whole family there when I did it. It made my ex (we're still great friends) feel awesome. She still talks about it to this day. Now here's the funny part. Her Dad doesn't speak English and I don't speak Spanish! :-) (She's Puerto Rican and we were in San Juan for a family visit). Anyway, apparently he picks up just a little English when he's sober; but, he was already half a bottle of Scotch away from sober. So, I had to get my ex mother in law to translate. She had no idea what I wanted to say to him and was translating as I went. Her mother was freaking as she was translating and her Dad made me drink the other half of the bottle of Scotch. So, yea man. Do it!! It's a cool experience. Even if the Dad freaks, you are still seen as a respectable man. I also have two daughters. I know how I'd feel if a guy came to me with that request. Even if I didn' t like him, I would respect him. The way I see it, if one of my daughters boyfriends can't look me in the eye and carry on a conversation with me, he isn't worth the oxygen he's breathing!!! Link to post Share on other sites
masked_man Posted May 28, 2004 Share Posted May 28, 2004 Interesting thread. Personally I'm not in favour of the idea. And speaking purely personally, it seems to me to be a little condescending, why do you need her father's "permission" to marry? I mean what if dad said no? Would you still marry her, or would you break off the relationship? What if dad says yes, and she says no? I know I am going against the grain in terms of the other answers here, but it would seem a bit weird to me to be asking my girlfriend to marry me, and saying, "oh by the way, your father has given me permission to do this". What if, by some remote chance, she was offended that it seemed she needed her father's (hence her parent's) approval to marry? Each to their own of course. Just seems to me that the question of marrying is a matter for a couple to decide on, not anyone else. Maybe it is just the rebel in me Asking the father's permission would also seriously compromise my desire to elope with the love of my life and get married before anyone else found out about it!! Link to post Share on other sites
binturong Posted May 28, 2004 Share Posted May 28, 2004 My fiance asked both of my parents for their blessings, not their permission. We're adults, we don't need permission from our parents anymore, but I think that what he did was very respectful. Link to post Share on other sites
md_matt Posted June 1, 2004 Share Posted June 1, 2004 I thought about asking, but then an older friend of mine said not to, the logic being I'm not a kid, nor is his daughter, and regardless of what he says we're going to get married anyway. In my case I figured it would be sort of patronizing to him for me to "ask" permission when even if he said "no", I would propose anyway. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantWaitForJune Posted June 22, 2004 Author Share Posted June 22, 2004 An Update: On June 3rd (the day after my birthday, no less)... I ventured over to the future in-laws for the big talk. What made the whole decision easier was talking to "April's" mom before hand. She assured me that April's dad would be happy to hear the news, and that I had nothing to be nervous about. Of course, that didn't stop the butterflies! When I finally got around to it, I made it short and sweet: that I was planning on asking their daughter to marry me, and I'd appreciate their blessing and well wishes in the matter (I took many of your guys' advice and shied away from the "p" word.) April's father was thrilled, and gave me one of the biggest, non-family-induced comments I've ever received: that they couldn't have hand-picked a better son-in-law. In case you are all wondering, I'm planning on asking sweet "April" next week! All the plans are in place, the ring is bought, and I can't wait to see the look on her face! I'll post an update to let you all know how it went. Thanks again for all of your advice! CantWaitForJune Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted June 22, 2004 Share Posted June 22, 2004 Excellent! Good for you. My fiance asked my Dad, and Dad was so thrilled too. Link to post Share on other sites
Author CantWaitForJune Posted July 6, 2004 Author Share Posted July 6, 2004 Dun-dun-dun-DUN-dun-Dun-DUNNNNN!!! June 29th, 2004, was a beautiful day in the Twin Cities. Jenny (="April") woke up expecting a wonderful birthday spent with her "sweets," but she didn't expect how it would all come together. First, she opened a big box, containing various scrapbook supplies (Jenny is a photgraphy nut), in order to capture the day's event. After a homemade breakfast, we went golfing at the first course we ever played. Afterwards, we went for a picnic at Minnehaha Falls park (which was set up before hand by my roommate... I owe him big). After the quiet, romantic lunch, we went rollerblading and strolled by the falls, taking pictures along the way! After stopping back at my apartment to change, I took her to the Walker Sculpture Garden, and then to dinner. All dolled up for a first class restaurant, I took her to the burger joint on campus where we used to hang out in college (A delightful place called Annie's, the best burgers in town. Rooftop dining, great malts!). Afterwards, we took a walk around campus, and over the Washington Av. Bridge that connects the U of Minn. Campus. It was there that I asked my sweet Jenny to marry me, and she happily accepted! I can't tell you how happy both of us are. I just wanted to share it with you all for giving your advice! Best of luck to all who peruse this forum! Kyle (aka CantWaitForJune... more like, CantWaitForTheRestOfOurLives!) Link to post Share on other sites
Thinkalot Posted July 8, 2004 Share Posted July 8, 2004 Yay! That's so wonderful!! congrats Link to post Share on other sites
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