whichwayisup Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 Rightlymia That was kind of the whole point about my posting on here. I decided to stay w/ my wife because I don't want to break the family apart and lose my kids. I was seeing if people thought it was possible to make it work after I have completely fallen in love with another woman. I thought it summed it up on the thread's title. I know it will not be easy, if it ends up working at all. Link to post Share on other sites
Rightlymia Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 I know I was pretty much asking what you were asking but you see what I'm saying? You will be so disappointed that you gave up the love of your life you might end up resenting your wife.I don't know. It all sounds complicated to me. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 You're right, it is very complicated. Not a good situation to be in for so many different reasons Link to post Share on other sites
Rightlymia Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 So do you honestly love your wife? You've got to make sure you stay for the right reasons and not just because you feel bad. If you left you wouldn't be able to see the kids? Why? Link to post Share on other sites
leilab Posted May 24, 2004 Share Posted May 24, 2004 I did not work for me - I am the OW and married with 2 kids. As you I was COMPLETELY in love with MM. No, there was no making love with hubby once I experienced the feelings MM. MM decided he was going to work it out with his wife - and ended our relationship. Since then I have tried to work out my marriage, but I just cannot. The feelings I have for MM have not changed, and it has been over 2 months since our breakup. Divorce papers have been served and I will be on my own soon. But I truly think men are different in this respect. I think relationships are not the main focus of a man's life. That is why I think that if a man decides to go back and work on his marriage, even if he is not "in love" it will probably work out. Link to post Share on other sites
OntheFence Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 All right here are his options: He can continue the affair (outcomes): he and his mistress go on happily, no one is the wiser he and his mistress end up pregnant (it does happen) and he has to not only explain it to his wife, but his kids as well his wife finds out and forgives him on the grounds he ends it his wife finds out and divorces him and takes him to the cleaners during a messy battle his mistress gets tired of being the other woman (they always do) and leaves him...... Or he can choose to end it (sounds like he will) doing so he can (outcomes): tell his wife - she gets upset (rightfully so) and leaves - she gets upset and forgives it (not likely) - she gets upset and they choose to go through counseling (my suggestion) not tell his wife - she never finds out and he deals with the daily guilt of it silently - she some how finds out and confronts him on it - he denies it - he admits it - Possibilities - she stays/she leaves - the mistress gets upset that he ended it, and makes a wrong move and the wife finds out -see above To be honest with you I have bee on both sides of the fence on this one. I have been the cheater, and the cheated on. Neither are fun, neither are right. When the sun rises the next day, you have to look at yourself in the mirror and think, what just happened here? Above and beyond that before you get into these kinds of situations people need to take serious inventory of thier lives and think about the million and one things taht can happen. From worst to best. (I will tell you right now, the likelihood of worst outwieghs the best 100-1) Someone always knows about the affair, even when you don't think that there is a snowball chance in hell. And more than likely if you tell your wife, she probably has sensed something was going on, but never would have guessed that the man that she loved and thought that she knew would hurt her like that. That is one thing I don't think most people realize. When the affairs happen. It's not something that the other someone is doing to HURT the other person. More than likely they are doing it because they themselves are empty and hurting. And there is alot of things that are said and done before the affair starts. But unfortunately most of us get so caught up in our daily lives and yes we take the other person for granted. That when they cry out for us, we may not truly be hearing the desperation that they are trying to convey. They are hurt, lonely, angery, or feeling unimportant to the relationship. (this is not a 100% true all of the time, but for the most part, there is a cry for help before they leap off the cliff) Listen to your loved ones....... And ask questions if you don't understand. You have to warm up to them in order for them to warm up to you. Remember what it is that not only made you fall in love with them. But what made them fall in love with you. Link to post Share on other sites
DavidCM Posted May 27, 2004 Share Posted May 27, 2004 Dear whichwayisup: I don't know whether your marriage will last or not. For your wife's sake, I hope it doesn't. She didn't plan on being married to a man with sexual mores of a tomcat. I've been on the receiving end of the kind of crap you're pulling. I wonder if you have the least inkling of the damage you're doing to so many lives for the sake of your "love". The fantasy world you enjoy so much is to real love as the movies are to real life. So do one of two things. Cut it out, cold turkey, and spend the rest of your life trying somehow to make amends for the selfish, irresponsible, addictive behavior in which you've indulged yourself, starting with counseling and especially honesty. Or be enough of a man to leave your wife and family, and let them go on with the rest of their lives, somehow, after they know what sort of man their husband and father truly is. Best regards, David Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted May 29, 2004 Share Posted May 29, 2004 onthefence: Thank you for the very insightful post. It really gives me something to think about. Davidcm: Thank you for the insults, that really helped me out a lot Link to post Share on other sites
k.j Posted June 8, 2004 Share Posted June 8, 2004 ok to allheart, why are you defending him so much....lol... almost seems like you are the other woman!!!! Sorry if you do not like this but you are responding more then the person who wrote this in the first place. I think that she (the wife) should have a choice in staying or not, She should be told, thats # 1 # 2, you should be with the one that your heart really loves because you are not just cheating on your wife but also your kids, all of these people look up to you and in the end you might split. # 3 you will forever wonder what if, man you are in a hard place, i really feel bad for you. But you did put yourself there and you have to get yourself as well as the others that are involved out of it, if you do not want to be with this other woman then tell her that it is over, YES BREAK ALL CONTACT until you feel for your wife again. you will confusse yourself even more until you do that. just my thoughts. good luck!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Rightlymia Posted June 9, 2004 Share Posted June 9, 2004 Does he care for the wife at all or feel like he can care for her again??? If not, get it out in the open and let her move on. It's only fair Link to post Share on other sites
spencer Posted June 9, 2004 Share Posted June 9, 2004 for whichwayisup what do you want? ................not to be confused with "what do you think you should do?" Link to post Share on other sites
Maria46 Posted June 9, 2004 Share Posted June 9, 2004 Having worn the shoes of the wife whose husband is cheating, the responses by Allheart are insulting. Marriages should be built on mutual trust and honesty. How can you suggest that half of that marriage continue to have an affair and be dishonest with the other half?? If you were the wife, would you have given this advise? Doubt it!!! I believe that whichwaysup should #1 end his relationship with O/W #2 seek counseling He should also think about how he would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. Would he like that?? If he truly believes that his marriage is not what he wants, then he should end the marriage for no reason other than that. Finding out about a cheating spouse does hurt, but people do survive. Link to post Share on other sites
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