Linda lou Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 Hi there. I'm hoping for some opinions from people about an issue that's been going on for quite some about visiting parents. My husband is very close to his family and speaks to them most days and ideally would like us both to visit them every week. At the moment it's quite sporadic i.e we might see them twice a week, once a fortnight or once every three weeks. No set routine although we used to aim for roughly every fortnight. I get along with them very well. From my side, I'm also close to my parents but our relationship in the past has been somewhat rocky. We get along ok now but I've always been quite independent and never really felt the need to see them every week. I probably speak to them once a week and we see them on average every three weeks. My husband doesn't get along with my mother and visits are quite tense. Recently my husband said he didn't feel I was seeing his parents enough and wanted a set routine of us visiting them weekly. I'm pretty busy during the week with work and study and admittedly, not huge on the idea of weekly visits, so said I couldn't commit to that but how about we just make sure we visit boths sets of parents every fortnight. He wasn't happy with this. He believes that since he wants us both to visit his parents weekly but has to settle for fortnightly then he should only have to visit my parents monthly. He bases this on the fact that since I'm ok with fortnightly, I should't get my first preference because he isn't and therefore monthly is fair. Hopefully I've explained that clearly.... I think this arrangement is a bit weird. I just think it would be easier and fairer if we visited both sets fortnightly and if he wants to see his more regularly he can. I also think my parents would find this unfair. I'd love to hear some views from married couples. By the way, we don't have kids. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 Not married but was in an LTR where something similar came up. Why does your husband want to visit his parents so often? Are they of a certain age and need extra care? Since he speaks to them most days, why does an additional weekly visit need to be made? Is he happy to go on his own? Why does he need you to go as well? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Linda lou Posted October 9, 2011 Author Share Posted October 9, 2011 Not married but was in an LTR where something similar came up. Why does your husband want to visit his parents so often? Are they of a certain age and need extra care? Since he speaks to them most days, why does an additional weekly visit need to be made? Is he happy to go on his own? Why does he need you to go as well? Thanks for replying. They don't need extra care. He just likes hanging out with them and he believes they'd like to see me more. He worries they take my absence personally if he goes alone. Link to post Share on other sites
january2011 Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 Thanks for replying. They don't need extra care. He just likes hanging out with them and he believes they'd like to see me more. He worries they take my absence personally if he goes alone. I think that this is where it's unfair. They are just hanging out. Why is it different when your parents want to see you more? Wouldn't your parents take his (and your) absence personally? Unless there's a distance issue, what's fair is that you treat both parents similarly. His emotional bond with his parents might be stronger (as is expected) but it doesn't mean that you have the same emotional bond with them. Not only is he asking you to choose his parents over yours, he's also prioritising his parents' wishes over yours. And he's pressurising you to prioritise 'hanging out' over your work and studies. Unfortunately, I don't have a solution for you. In my situation, it was one of the things that drove a wedge between my ex and I. It was a product of the nature of my ex's relationship with his parents, something that I already knew about before we began the relationship. Something that I thought would change when we became more serious and moved in together. Unfortunately, I was wrong and nothing changed. Unless you present a united front with both parents, you won't be the team that you should be. It's also likely that this is a lesson that your husband has to learn on his own without input from you. Hopefully, it's one he learns in time. Link to post Share on other sites
denise_xo Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 Hi there. I'm hoping for some opinions from people about an issue that's been going on for quite some about visiting parents. My husband is very close to his family and speaks to them most days and ideally would like us both to visit them every week. At the moment it's quite sporadic i.e we might see them twice a week, once a fortnight or once every three weeks. No set routine although we used to aim for roughly every fortnight. I get along with them very well. From my side, I'm also close to my parents but our relationship in the past has been somewhat rocky. We get along ok now but I've always been quite independent and never really felt the need to see them every week. I probably speak to them once a week and we see them on average every three weeks. My husband doesn't get along with my mother and visits are quite tense. Recently my husband said he didn't feel I was seeing his parents enough and wanted a set routine of us visiting them weekly. I'm pretty busy during the week with work and study and admittedly, not huge on the idea of weekly visits, so said I couldn't commit to that but how about we just make sure we visit boths sets of parents every fortnight. He wasn't happy with this. He believes that since he wants us both to visit his parents weekly but has to settle for fortnightly then he should only have to visit my parents monthly. He bases this on the fact that since I'm ok with fortnightly, I should't get my first preference because he isn't and therefore monthly is fair. Hopefully I've explained that clearly.... I think this arrangement is a bit weird. I just think it would be easier and fairer if we visited both sets fortnightly and if he wants to see his more regularly he can. I also think my parents would find this unfair. I'd love to hear some views from married couples. By the way, we don't have kids. I has similar issues in my marriage several years ago. What really stood out to me in your post was the bit in bold. It sounds like it's coming from a sulky teenager. I also believe it's NOT your responsibility if they take it personally. If he explains to them that you are busy and can only come once every forth night and that it's nothing personal whatsoever, and they then chose to take it personal, that's their issue, not yours or your husband's. Your husband making that into your issue rather than theirs is not fair to you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Linda lou Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 Thanks Denise. To be honest, I'm not too busy with work or study to visit, I'd just prefer to be doing other things and I feel that fortnightly is enough. Maybe that makes me a bad person but I don't think my parents should have to be "penalised" and score only a monthly visit out of the deal. Link to post Share on other sites
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