Only child or not?? Differences in coping mechanisms?

[BrettLost]

I was going to post in Thieves' thread "Know yourself", but ended up on a whole nother (is that a word?) topic.

 

As an only child i am very aware and content with who I am, what I want, what is forgivable, who i deem trustworthy so on...

 

The problem is that independant person absorbed another through marriage and parenthood, when she left, that I was crippled. I feel weakened through losing the bond i created with her. I lost a wife, a best mate, sometimes a sister-like blood bond i never had felt before.

 

NOW- as an only child, i fend for myself. I have parents (whom are still together, another good factor...), few friends and thats it.

 

DO those of you with siblings, older, younger, just one, or many......

do you cope with loss better? friends get sick of your $hit, bro's n sisters die for one another from what ive seen....

 

Any expession of opinion from either side is VERY valuable to me.

 

The whole single child being spoilt thing does apply, but later in life I'm wishing i had blood family of a similar generation to pick me up, take me out and get back into it, the way only a brother or sister does.

 

I muster up mental strength here and there, but on your own, ur mind is your most powerful asset or your own worst enemy if u let it take shape that way.

[LelouchIsZero]

I'm not an only child, but all of my siblings are at an age where they can't really help me. I'm only 18 myself, and I'm the oldest, so I don't particularly have anything that i'd like to talk to them about.

 

When I was with my ex, she had a really close family and it was one of the things that really attracted me & kept me in the relationship, as I didn't/don't have a particularly "great" family life. She received a lot of help from her brothers & sister, which made me really envious, as it really did help her.

 

I guess it'd just depend on how the relationship was between the said siblings, but I'm assuming your post is in reference to those who have a good relationship. I really do think that having a good relationship with a sibling would definitely help -- as it should.

Edited October 9, 2011 by LelouchIsZero

[Duckduckgoose]

I have a brother, and while we're not really involved in each others' lives, I know I can talk to him and vice versa. He will help me if he can. His advice isn't spot on and he's a bit too protective of me, but that's how a brother is.

 

So I think siblings help with coping some. But there is also a lot of sibling rivalry lol:p

[gandhi]

I am an only child, and when I got hit with my breakup, I did not think about how I can cope with this better. My ex-girlfriend has a brother who she is extremely close with. Upon the night of the breakup, he had the nerve to message/call me to telling me to screw off when it was his sister who hurt me.

 

Before I turning this into a rant, yes, I am sure having a brother or sister there to comfort you after something traumatic like a breakup would be amazing. I wish I had that person to tell my ex how much she hurt me, etc without it actually being me or without me actually even asking. But remember, you cant just wish for a sibling, live with what you have. I have made true bonds with some of my male-friends after the breakup, and I know they would go to the ends of the earth to help me, just like a brother or sister.

[BrettLost]

Thanks guys.

 

I guess i just thought as an only child I'd be strong enough to take the loss on the chin and revert back to single ways. With kids though it took on a whole deeper meaning and questions surrounding morals, hope, future all that ***** plauge me daily.

 

At least with a bro or sis (aunt or uncle to my kids) there's that little bit of family intactness, kinda like security i guess...... i dunno.

[Emilia]

Thanks guys.

 

I guess i just thought as an only child I'd be strong enough to take the loss on the chin and revert back to single ways. With kids though it took on a whole deeper meaning and questions surrounding morals, hope, future all that ***** plauge me daily.

 

At least with a bro or sis (aunt or uncle to my kids) there's that little bit of family intactness, kinda like security i guess...... i dunno.

 

I'm not sure. I have a sister and she is younger so I have always felt I had to protect her rather than the other way round. We are both good at putting things in perspective so she is very good like that. Most of the time I don't want to burden her because I know she would just worry about me. I lost someone special like you did and I don't really feel family circumstances made any difference in coping

[carhill]

What I noticed as a child was that those children from large families (I was largely anomalous amongst my fellow Catholic families of that generation) developed more comprehensive verbal and physical fighting skills at an early age, perhaps having to deal day in and day out with sibling competition. My exW, one of five, mentioned circumstances such as this often when reflecting upon her childhood. She often lamented how, as an example, she had to fight with three brothers over a pie while I peacefully ate, as an only child, whatever I wanted to.

 

So far, I don't see any marked commonalities translating to adulthood, something which indicates to me that there are more factors in play than the 'only child' or not factor. There are genetic factors as well as environmental factors, in addition to unique familial psycho-social factors.

 

Perhaps my 'brand' of 'only' facilitated the path I recently walked, facing divorce and death of a loved one in the same year. I'm used to handling things alone and being alone and these events, while perhaps painful and sad, were processed no differently than others in life. The only person available to depend on and look to in this time of need was the one staring back at me in the mirror each morning, and that's OK.

 

What my marriage taught me is that, even in the supposedly most intimate of relationships, it can be that same path and mirror. I forgot that for a short period but therapy helped rebuild the perspective. Health returned shortly after and my expectations are now different. Life goes on.

[Thieves]

Hey, Brett. Glad I could inspire a thread of yours.

 

And as for the 'only child' thing, I'm not sure if it has too much of an effect. I think it would depend how close you were with said siblings. For instance, I have an older brother and while we are very friendly with each other and get along with each other, I'm still much closer to my lovely mother and feel I can talk to her much more about personal things, especially men and break-ups.

 

However, I do know my brother would be for there for me anytime if I were going through a rough patch and decided to call, and he would be glad to help out the best he can. So in that respect, it is helpful and comforting to know that.

 

So I'm not exactly sure if not being an only child helps me cope better with loss when it comes to relationships, my guess is - like I said - it would depend on how close the person was to their siblings.