Feeling so lonely because I made a mistake

[Diter]

Where do I start? I met the man I love over twenty years ago, we had a great 2 and a half year relationship that ended because there was different things in our lives we both still wanted to do before settling down. We had always intended to get back together, but my two month overseas travelling lasted two years and he went on to meet someone else and we lost touch. It just wasn’t our time. But neither of us stopped ever loving the other.

 

Sixteen years later he found me and we soon realised that the love we had shared all those years ago was still there. However I was living with my partner in a content, but loveless relationship with our children and he was in a relationship also with children which wasn’t going well

 

We spent months talking without seeing each other as we are on opposite sides of the world. When eventually we met it was like walking back 18 years and all the love and feelings we had for each other were still there but much stronger. He had since moved out of his family home and I knew I could leave my partner, although I am content with him, he has never been the love of my life, this man has always been the one who is in my heart, my bones and my soul.

 

Three years now has past and we had been busy making plans to relocate me and my children back to my home country to be with this man I’ve always loved. He loved me unconditionally and wanted to cover all my costs to relocate, but after 16 years of living with someone who has never contributed financially I couldn’t accept the offer of help from my true love to get me there, I had become so independent that I thought I would be a failure if I couldn’t make this move on my own

 

Eventually after delaying the move 3 times I realised I couldn’t get the money together to make the move and I felt to scared to ask him for help, I felt like I was a let down and a failure and decided to close off my heart and tell him its over as I thought he would leave me anyway for having delayed the move so long and I felt I was a disappointment to him.

 

I know it hurt him a lot me ending it and not confiding in him my money and self disappointment fears but I had been doing things on my own so long with an unsupportive partner (who I had just accepted as he was, and never thought too much about how little he contributed, until this man came back into my life and reminded me what love should be like) and I had a very tough upbringing which has forced me to follow my head more than my heart.

 

It took months for my true love to accept that we were over and I continued to close off my heart, it was easier than to follow my heart and risk that he might leave me for not making the move sooner, and I felt a failure and that he deserved better.

 

After he travelled 24 hours to see me one last time, a few months after our breakup I realised I can’t close off the feeling I have in my heart for him and I told him a few weeks after he returned home how much I do love him still and want to be with him, and I opened my heart and shared with him my fears and many things which made it hard for me accept his help, but unfortunately he had started to move on and has just started dating someone else. He said he loves and wishes I had told him all the things I said sooner as he can now understand my fears, he says he still loves me still and knows we would have the future together that we have always wanted, but his feeling are moving toward someone else. He feels torn between wanting to be with me and wanting to pursue his new relationship, which I understand as he had spent over 12 months on the other side of the world on his own waiting for me and planning my arrival, and it has been even harder for him as my ex partner still shares the house with me and our children, even though he knows there is nothing between me and my ex, while he has sat at home alone everynight only seeing his kids every other weekend while I have my whole family everyday.

 

We now talk and see each other online almost everyday and say we love each other but he still feels he needs to see where his new relationship is going, (its about a month into his new relationship). He has been on his own so long and now he has someone there with him to share real time with. He says if he was on his own we would be together, but he also wants to see where this new relationship is going as he is enjoying the company which I can understand and I know I hurt him a lot.

 

He waited so long for me and he has asked me to wait for him and give him some time as he feels very confused about what to do and he has said that he doesn’t know if the new relationship is even something he wants.

 

I know now exactly how he felt for all those months as I am feeling the same way. But it hurts me knowing that he is with someone else. A part of me wants to wait for him (as he has said, he doesn’t know yet what this new relationship is like and even if he really wants it, but he says he feels he needs to do it. He put his life on hold for me and I let him down

 

I want to wait for him and give him the time he has asked for, but it hurts so much knowing he is seeing someone else. And what if after a few months he decides this new relationship is something he wants, then what? I know he waited for me, and I know he is going through a lot of confusion, but I’m finding it so hard, a part of me wants to wait, a part of me wants to say move on but my heart won’t let me.

 

Is it normal for someone like the man I love to want to stay that much in touch with me if he doesn't truely still love me. I know he isn't keeping in touch just to keep me happy, we are very honest with each other. Do I just sit and wait and bide my time while he decides what he wants?

Edited October 9, 2011 by Diter

[karmaqueen]

Oh that's so tough

I will reread your post later as my concentration is not good rght now but what struck me most is that its good you are both being open and honest now.

If you want to wait to see what he wants, don't wait for too long- you could spend months and months waiting and still not know what he wants. My gut instinct is that he wants to move on, otherwise he would have jumped at the chance to be with you. However, he's already been disappointed once so will be bruised and scared of getting hurt again.

Really sorry for you and sorry I can't really offer advice. Hug

[Diter]

Thanks for your reply. When we speak he does say that he wants a future with me, but right now his feelings for me are not there as they are with someone else, because I hurt him so much, but he then says he still loves me as he has done ever since we met and knows that if this new relationship doesn't work or its not what he thought it would be going out again with someone else that he would be with me straight away. He says I made him totally rethink his future, he thought his future would be with me, but then I changed that by ending things with him and closing off my feelings and that I have forced him to rethink what it is he really wants before saying yes to us again.

[karmaqueen]

Thanks for your reply. When we speak he does say that he wants a future with me, but right now his feelings for me are not there as they are with someone else, because I hurt him so much, but he then says he still loves me as he has done ever since we met and knows that if this new relationship doesn't work or its not what he thought it would be going out again with someone else that he would be with me straight away. He says I made him totally rethink his future, he thought his future would be with me, but then I changed that by ending things with him and closing off my feelings and that I have forced him to rethink what it is he really wants before saying yes to us again.

 

It sounds like he is being a little unfair to me- almost like he is keeping you in reserve in case his new relationship doesn't work.

I think that if this relationship with you and him is to work, it must be on equal footing- you both need to start afresh and let go of the past hurts.

Feel so bad for you- hope someone else can offer more advice.

[karmaqueen]

Thanks for your reply. When we speak he does say that he wants a future with me, but right now his feelings for me are not there as they are with someone else, because I hurt him so much, but he then says he still loves me as he has done ever since we met and knows that if this new relationship doesn't work or its not what he thought it would be going out again with someone else that he would be with me straight away. He says I made him totally rethink his future, he thought his future would be with me, but then I changed that by ending things with him and closing off my feelings and that I have forced him to rethink what it is he really wants before saying yes to us again.

 

 

Hmm- it does sound like he is now keeping you as a back up or reserve plan if his new relationship doesn't work out.

If you are to give this relationship a go, both of you need to let go of past hurts and mistakes and make a fresh start together. He can't treat you as second best option because of what you did.

I would give yourself a deadline to be true to yourself- otherwise you could spend years waiting and being disappointed.

What a horrible situation for you. Sorry I can't offer proper advice but hope you can find the help you need.