Author RockGuy87 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 I dont think she will be back. I think she cares too much and like was said, she values me to the point she never....ever thought she was good enough. So no matter if she wants to change, come back, and still feels she messed it up with us and would love to be back together.I just wanted to know some words of encouragement and what if she did. EVENTUALLY. Not today, tomorrow, next week, and so on. But how to know the truth and what should if any be accepted as a real reason to look into it. Considering where i am at in my life of course. Link to post Share on other sites
lalalandman Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 So listen, I wasn't trying to come off as insensitive. I guess my approach to things is different. Trying to rationalize everything and come up with an explanation for her behavior is bs. It's a waste of your time. You're wasting your time trying to come up with some excuse as to why she left. And it's always some explanation to her defense like, oh, her poor childhood. My best bet is she's banging some other dude, or at least turned on by a new one. I've seen it enough to assume the worst (or really, you probably dodged a bullet). So stop trying to give her credit for leaving you dude. She's full of it in my opinion. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RockGuy87 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 Yea so she ****ing texted me saying "Glad this is so easy for you. Goodnight" I didnt respond. Didnt even know what to say if i even wanted to. Link to post Share on other sites
Zabs Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Aww Rock! Sorry for the pun but rock and hard place jumps to mind! Well at least you know something now...that she didn't mean DON'T she meant DO...just like I said. However, I've said it before and I'll say it again...relationships do not get resolved over texts! It is extremely cowardly to send something like that an expect an in depth answer from you. Don't get roped into it honey...it is a hook. I understand where Dovic is coming from especially given his exp with that client group but at the same time, don't be deceived that people like your ex have no idea what they are doing and are simply victims of circumstance, because this is not true for everyone. It is simply a case of coping strategies. Some are harmful to us and beneficial to them ie: If you were a scared, untrusting and anxious person always having to take care of yourself no matter what the cost, would it be easier to lay your cards on the table, expose your vulnerability and take a chance that you WON'T get hurt DESPITE all prior experience has shown you? OR Say as little as possible but just enough to demonstrate interest in another person and structure your communication so that it it THEM who end up disclosing more about their feelings than you. End result = you are CERTAIN of how they feel because they have put so much effort into that text and now YOU can sit comfortably having seen their cards and your own and making your next move from there. Bit like having a mirror in the room while playing poker isn't it? Protect yourself at all costs...wait to see her and do not gamble on it. Much love Zabs xx Link to post Share on other sites
Zabs Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 PS..there isn't ALWAYS someone else but it is a reasonable coping strategy for co-dependent people. But being a co-dep myself in certain ways..that has never been something I was into. Tried it once...one nigh...wasn't for me anad reinforced everything I already know aboiut myself. I have not been intimate with anyone since Aug last year with my P. And I won't be either. I think it is a blatant disrespect of one's body and self. YAK! JMO ZABS xx Link to post Share on other sites
Author RockGuy87 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 She keeps texting and has called like 8 times in a row now. I haven answered. But she will text me and be like really? Answer the phone! and crap like that. Link to post Share on other sites
Zabs Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 The beauty of answering machines!!! Stay strong Rock! Zabs xx Link to post Share on other sites
Author RockGuy87 Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 She said she wants a second chance, that shes done smoking for good, and she wants to get help. But im keeping strong. Enough so she gave me the choice of yes or no and I was able to say no. She has to do it instead of say it. Link to post Share on other sites
Zabs Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Hey Rock! What did I tell you?! You are exactly right...the proof is in the pudding.... To which end I might add my prediction was spot on...P called this am 02.46! This will be for two reasons...1, to see if my number is still on..and if I have indeed moved on and 2, to let me know he is still about (not letting go):lmao: I intend to do nothing as it means nothing. When I get to the point you have with your ex...then again, I will want proof of change! Nothing less will do:D Keep us posted Zabs xx;) Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 She said she wants a second chance, that shes done smoking for good, and she wants to get help. But im keeping strong. Enough so she gave me the choice of yes or no and I was able to say no. She has to do it instead of say it. as a recovering drug addict (12+years clean) I will advise you at this point to please do yourself a favor and go no contact completely with this woman. If she is going to get clean, it has to be for herself..not for you, or for anyone else. Believe me, I used that "I'm done for good" about any time I had anything rain on my drug parade. I am not talking about soft drugs like weed either. You are headed down a road of true heart ache if you have any more contact with her. That "quitting smoking" will last until she gets bored talking to you and has an inkling of a thought about hanging with her friends again and how fun it was to be around them....and she will break that promise before she can even spell weed... Link to post Share on other sites
geegirl Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 She said she wants a second chance, that shes done smoking for good, and she wants to get help. But im keeping strong. Enough so she gave me the choice of yes or no and I was able to say no. She has to do it instead of say it. If she wants to get help, then let her go and get help but you need to leave yourself out of it. Her recovery is not guaranteed. She has to want to recover because she wants to for herself and not for any other motive. Any other motive (you), is just words to rope you back in, and in turn is not truly a need to want to recover. Link to post Share on other sites
Author RockGuy87 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 Thanks for continuing with the replies. She says that no matter what. With or without me she is changing. Im not saying i totally believe that, but its just hard since this time she is actually telling herself that it is for her when the last time we had this discussion when it all started I told her it was either me or it and she choose me (for a couple of months) but that was all her not actually wanting to quit and just doing what I said. Im really stuck here. I cant seem to let her go. Her promise of change no matter what makes me want to be there for when she is done. I just dont see how she plans to prove to me that she is. She said she wanted to be able to have the chance to earn trust back. Link to post Share on other sites
M2155 Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Maybe you can "be there" by not getting in the way of her recovery. You can support her achievement 30-60 days whatever, but that you can't be involved with her until that time. What the last two posters said makes a lot of sense. It's easy to say you will change, we all know that. Link to post Share on other sites
Sugarkane Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Just someone being an addict alone is a big enough red flag, not to have a relationship with them. Link to post Share on other sites
Zabs Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Just someone being an addict alone is a big enough red flag, not to have a relationship with them. What a very grim view...people ARE capable of change...it's what drives them if the question Kane! At the end of the day if the reason it aside from self, chances are it will fail...because there is no self love no self respect...nothing matters... I think people make their own choice in life but to generalise because a person has had an addiction, is narrow-minded, unforgiving and slightly self-righteous..IMHO:sick: Congratulations to the people on THIS thread who are surviving recovery Much love and respect... Zabs xx "But for the grace of God go I";) Link to post Share on other sites
Author RockGuy87 Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 I I'm having trouble giving up on her. Especially since it's weed. IMHO you can't be addicted to weed. If you want to do it then you do. Cause like I said before I use to use it but it was never anything I needed. I'm surrounded by pot smokers. Both friends and family. It's not that she CAN'T. It's just does she really not want to? And why does she not want to. I'm just trying to find out the truth and not what she just wants me to hear. I believe people can change. Hell I would hope someone would think I could. I admit I have anger issues sometimes. In my opinion that's harder to change then a problem with weed. Still trying to take it slow and feel things out. Thanks for those who are still taking their time to come reply. Like zabbs said. Congrats to all of you who beat your addictions. Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Okay, so the question is, what do YOU want? Okay, so you believe that there wasn't an OM. Are you sure? Pot can be like alcohol and you lose your inhibitions when stoned. She could have partied it up and something could have happened with one of these "friends" when she was high. Now, you believe that this isn't the case. But yet, you were under the impression that she was done with smoking pot and hid it from you EXTREMELY well. Are you sure she isn't hiding anything else? The main problem is that she will have a hard time loving anyone else if she is unable to love herself! I seriously think that she needs to fix herself before you think about jumping back into a relationship with her. She's got too much baggage. She should seek out a therapist or even a couselor at school. So, the question still is, what do you want to do? Link to post Share on other sites
M2155 Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 IMHO you can't be addicted to weed. I think you can be addicted to anything. Buying shoes (don't tell me you don't know a relationship has problems because one partner just can't control their spending habits), M&Ms, running...it may or may not be a chemical addiction, but it's something that person is not strong enough to give up or doesn't have something equally satisfying and healthy to fill the void. I don't think it's strictly smoking weed but all that comes with it (the friends, the sense of being one of the crowd, the escape etc...) so it's probably easier said than done. I think good for you for not wanting to give up on her and that's probably okay if you were a friend. But you want to support her the girlfriend you remember (or girlfreind potential) and you don't know right now if you will ever have the same person again. I think that's why you need to help her (and yourself) by giving her space to face her demons on her own. You shoud be about you right now. Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 What a very grim view...people ARE capable of change...it's what drives them if the question Kane! At the end of the day if the reason it aside from self, chances are it will fail...because there is no self love no self respect...nothing matters... I think people make their own choice in life but to generalise because a person has had an addiction, is narrow-minded, unforgiving and slightly self-righteous..IMHO:sick: Congratulations to the people on THIS thread who are surviving recovery Much love and respect... Zabs xx "But for the grace of God go I";) Thank you Zabs. May I point out as well that had I not gone down the destructive road I did, I may have very well never ended up with the decent life i have now. I however am one of the lucky ones... Link to post Share on other sites
Space Ritual Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 It's just does she really not want to? And why does she not want to. Tread carefully. This also will translate into other areas of your relationship. It is her choice, and she will eventually choose that you, like this temporary cesation of cannabis, to mot be much of a priority. Please don't try to minimize her actions as it obviously upsets you. Of course you can also make choices here. You can choose that its not that big of a thing and continue to see her until she blows you off again, and yet again for partying or something else, which will cause you to be the knight in shining denim and redraw your line in the sand and then continue to build up resentment on you part towards her. Or you can do yourself a favor right now and move on. As an aside, recovering addicts never truly conquer or beat it until we die, until any last vestige of temptation is wiped out by the last beat of our hearts. Temptation is always there. I just have learned over the years to avoid any situation that I can that may aid in tempting me to pick up a drink or use. Sometimes I can't but I in those moments I constantly remind myself I have way too much to lose by even taking one drink or "just having a little blast".... Link to post Share on other sites
ChelseaLS Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 I did not read anyones responses... I am going to do this from my own. First off from what I have read, you're an amazing person who cares. Which is refreshing. What threw me off from the get-go was (and correct me if I am wrong) you betrayed yourself. You clearly don't care for someone who participates in drugs or people who do. And that to me personally is awesome ( I feel the same way... but its only our prerogative). You betrayed yourself by being okay with this from get go. You should have never expected her to bend or change for you (because in her mind you accept it by accepting her). When you love someone no doubt there is change and bending but you cannot expect it. We are each our own persons. Perhaps she does want to change and better herself in whichever way, but you cannot force her. It needs to come with time, and it needs to be something she WANTS to do. At this point all you can do is be supportive. To you and me, it might be a no-nonsense issue, but for her, it is her friends (who before you were there), something she has been comfortable with. I am not condoning it in anyway, all I am say is you cannot force the issue because you want the best for her. You need to be honest with yourself in what you want for YOUR future. If it includes her, fantastic! If it does... well life doesn't end there. We are learning everyday from our experiences. Love yourself, before you love anyone else. As hard as it is, you own it to yourself to be happy with you. You will find pure happiness if you desire it. Love, love. It is amazing. Link to post Share on other sites
ChelseaLS Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 I did not read anyones responses... I am going to do this from my own. (Please know I am suffering too... today is day 7 from a 6 year relationship where we live together). First off from what I have read, you're an amazing person who cares. Which is refreshing. What threw me off from the get-go was (and correct me if I am wrong) you betrayed yourself / your own beliefs. You clearly don't care for someone who participates in drugs or people who do. You betrayed yourself by being okay with this from get go. You should have never expected her to bend or change for you (because in her mind you accept it by accepting her). When you love someone no doubt there is change and bending but you cannot expect it nor should you change your own beliefs. We are each our own persons. Perhaps she does want to change and better herself in whichever way, but you cannot force her. It needs to come with time, and it needs to be something she WANTS to do. At this point all you can do is be supportive. To you and me, it might be a no-nonsense issue, but for her, it is her friends (who before you were there), something she has been comfortable with. I am not condoning it in anyway, all I am say is you cannot force the issue because you want the best for her. You need to be honest with yourself in what you want for YOUR future. If it includes her, fantastic! If it doesn't or... well life doesn't end there. We are learning everyday from our experiences. Love yourself, before you love anyone else. As hard as it is, you own it to yourself to be happy with you. You will find true happiness if you desire it. Love, love. It is amazing. Link to post Share on other sites
ChelseaLS Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 ... I apologize for that response as I was writing it from my phone.. many spelling errors. Link to post Share on other sites
Zabs Posted October 16, 2011 Share Posted October 16, 2011 s an aside, recovering addicts never truly conquer or beat it until we die, until any last vestige of temptation is wiped out by the last beat of our hearts. Temptation is always there. I just have learned over the years to avoid any situation that I can that may aid in tempting me to pick up a drink or use. Sometimes I can't but I in those moments I constantly remind myself I have way too much to lose by even taking one drink or "just having a little blast".... Hence, we are always in recovery Zabs xx Link to post Share on other sites
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