Anyone know how to get over Social phobia/ Anxiety over Women? - 26 yr. old, Virg.

[bubcake]

Title says it all. I've had this anxiety over women since I was about 10. It never went away. Being a 26 year old virgin , believe it or not, eats at you like nothing you can believe. I used to think it was stupid for people to worry about this. But it does happen. You just see every single one of your friends jump from 1 relationship to the next, and you can't help but doubt yourself when socializing.

 

It's so frustrating that I honestly can't even come to terms with it. It's suffocating and painful almost on a daily basis. I don't even know how one begins a relationship. Every woman I've ever spoken to, has responded to me just in small talk....so there's no "opening" for transition.

 

I really feel like an 8 year old kid knows more about this stuff than I do.

Just wondering if anyone has gone through this before.

 

Thank you all. This is a great forum and love reading your questions.

[KathyM]

Title says it all. I've had this anxiety over women since I was about 10. It never went away. Being a 26 year old virgin , believe it or not, eats at you like nothing you can believe. I used to think it was stupid for people to worry about this. But it does happen. You just see every single one of your friends jump from 1 relationship to the next, and you can't help but doubt yourself when socializing.

 

It's so frustrating that I honestly can't even come to terms with it. It's suffocating and painful almost on a daily basis. I don't even know how one begins a relationship. Every woman I've ever spoken to, has responded to me just in small talk....so there's no "opening" for transition.

 

I really feel like an 8 year old kid knows more about this stuff than I do.

Just wondering if anyone has gone through this before.

 

Thank you all. This is a great forum and love reading your questions.

Actually, I've been studying in college how to handle various psychological issues, since I am getting my Master's Degree in Counseling Psychology. One technique that they suggest is called the "As If" technique. Right now, you have a fear of rejection by women, so you are afraid to approach them and afraid to communicate with them. In the As If Technique, you understand and accept that you have a social anxiety when it comes to women, but you decide that, just for one instance, you are going to pretend or act as if you are confident, you are assertive, you are friendly, you are charming, etc., and then you force yourself to approach just one person while having that mindset. The theory is that you allow yourself not to give up your self image of insecurity at this point, which is serving as some kind of security blanket right now to protect you from feeling rejected, but just for one time, you will pretend to be someone different. Pretend to have confidence, be friendly and outgoing, and initiate contact. Once you get over that hump and realize nothing terrible came from it--maybe the girl wasn't interested--but you are still fine and healthy, you begin to realize there really isn't that much to fear about approaching women. Then, in a few days or so, you practice that technique again. Eventually, through practice, it becomes ingrained in you and that new persona that you've been practicing becomes more of the norm for you. That is how therapists treat a lot of different phobias--gradual exposure until the fear is reduced.

[AHardDaysNight]

Try approaching them before you form a personal and emotional connection to them.

 

The worst thing is loving someone, and knowing that they don't love you back.

[B Champman]

Actually, I've been studying in college how to handle various psychological issues, since I am getting my Master's Degree in Counseling Psychology. One technique that they suggest is called the "As If" technique. Right now, you have a fear of rejection by women, so you are afraid to approach them and afraid to communicate with them. In the As If Technique, you understand and accept that you have a social anxiety when it comes to women, but you decide that, just for one instance, you are going to pretend or act as if you are confident, you are assertive, you are friendly, you are charming, etc., and then you force yourself to approach just one person while having that mindset. The theory is that you allow yourself not to give up your self image of insecurity at this point, which is serving as some kind of security blanket right now to protect you from feeling rejected, but just for one time, you will pretend to be someone different. Pretend to have confidence, be friendly and outgoing, and initiate contact. Once you get over that hump and realize nothing terrible came from it--maybe the girl wasn't interested--but you are still fine and healthy, you begin to realize there really isn't that much to fear about approaching women. Then, in a few days or so, you practice that technique again. Eventually, through practice, it becomes ingrained in you and that new persona that you've been practicing becomes more of the norm for you. That is how therapists treat a lot of different phobias--gradual exposure until the fear is reduced.

 

try this, as weird as it sounds, it has worked for me

[KathyM]

try this, as weird as it sounds, it has worked for me

Yes, it does work, and that is why that technique is being taught to future counselors in college, and taught to patients in therapy.

[skylarkjv]

Actually the "As If" theory is basically how I re-trained myself to approach women. Although I didn't know it at the time. I had severe social anxiety when it came to talking to women I was attracted to. I realized that they can only respond one of two ways. And if they rejected me, so be it. I wasn't going to let that get in the way of me living a life that I enjoyed anymore. Good luck.

[Deano8888]

well I suffer from panic disorder with agoraphobia, depression and generalized anxiety disorder.

 

My best advice to you is to see professional help. firstly see a psychiatrist to make sure there are no serious mental health disorders you are not aware of and maybe to look into medication. Secondly see a good psychologist who has qualifications in anxiety disorders.

 

You may disagree with that, but that's fair enough, but i have some advice to you that you can not argue with as I have 15 years of going through anxiety disorders myself.

 

Just be yourself! if you are nervous about approaching a woman have you thought about just being upfront and honest with her about your anxiety problems? If she is worth getting to know then she will be understanding, if not it just shows a person as superficial and not worth knowing. The people above is a good advice if you want a one night stand, but if you want a meaningful relationship, be yourself my friend, and be with a person who can accept you for who you are. If you are not confident why try to pretend you are? It won't last and the woman will see through it and it will make you worse and damage your confidence even more.

 

If you are to embarrassed to publicly do this, I suggest that you join a dating website and just be honest about things. It's a lot easier to do through email than it is face to face.

 

If you already feel like you have nothing and are as low as you can get, what have you got to loose by trying?

 

Best of luck to you my friend, hope things work out for you

[Freshprince]

You have to build confidence. To build confidence, you have to practice. As you practice, you'll progressively better, and you'll learn to trust yourself. Once you trust yourself, you have confidence.

 

Here's what helped me:

 

Phase 1. Start by talking to women in forced interaction settings. Examples like the check-out girl at the grocery store, the waitress who serves you, or the secretary you talk to in order to get papers. Just ask them how their day is, if it's been busy, and just make small talk. You're not trying to get their numbers or asking them out, you're just learning to have a good quick conversation and getting used to talking to girls you don't know anything about. As you do that more often, you'll get more comfortable with talking to women and making conversation.

 

Phase 2. As you start building some momentum with good interactions with women in those settings, then expand to women in non-forced interaction settings. Examples include women who sit next to you on the bus, who are on the treadmill next to you at the gym, who are in line with you at the grocery store, etc. At this level, just focus on starting a FRIENDLY conversation. Again, don't worry about getting a phone number or asking them out, just have a good conversation that YOU personally started with them (as opposed to ones that were forced as in the first step).

 

Phase 3. Once you get comfortable striking up conversations with women in various settings, then start focusing on getting phone numbers and asking them out. This can get nerve-wrecking because asking a girl out can be risky and really puts you out there. You may want to do it in steps. First, just focus on asking if she is single somewhere in the conversation. Then, when you can do that, focus on asking for a phone number or making a plan for coffee on the spot.

 

It will take a lot of interactions and probably some awkward conversations at the beginning when you first start. But as you continue to do it, you'll get better and more comfortable. It has worked for me.

 

Also, keep in mind that some girls are just rude, don't like guys, prefer to be left alone, etc. Don't let a rude girl ruin your confidence/momentum. As long as you're being friendly (and didn't grope her or make a tasteless sexual comment about her), she has no good reason to be a b****. It's her problem if she is, and you probably wouldn't want a girl like that anyway.

 

That's all I have for now. Good luck!