Never married men or divorced men better bets

[Leegh]

I've never been married, and have dated mostly never-married men in their late 30's and 40's with not much success, as most of them have been immature in some ways. I'm wondering if divorced men in general are more mature, stable, and over-all better relationship partners than never-married men for someone a bit older like me. In other words, is it a sign of maturity if a man can commit to marriage?

[Woggle]

Never married men if you ask me. Divorced men tend to be bitter as hell and are more than a bit misogynistic. Of course this is a generalization but many of them are bitter as hell about their divorce and have it in for the female gender.

[Radagast]

If they've never married, there's probably a reason for it, and not a good one.

A divorced man at least tried, even if he didn't succeed.

[RiverRunning]

I think the reasons WHY he's never been married are important here. You're right - probably a lot of them let good opportunities go because they wanted to act like children. But a close friend who's 46 has never married - it's been a mix of not really meeting women, being afraid of approaching women and etc. He finally met a girlfriend 6 months ago and is talking about getting engaged. He was engaged once before about 16 years ago, but sounds like she was completely insane. In any case, the friend is a very amusing and mature man. It's unfortunate it has taken him so long to meet a quality woman.

 

Depending on when the divorce happened, I find divorced men generally tend to be...bitter. At least on the Internet, that seems to be the way it's framed! "Women are all money-grabbers, they'll take all of your stuff. Watch out for them." You might end up paying for the ex-wife's sins.

 

So, I think it's fair to ask a future prospect about their views toward marriage - and maybe why they never married. If the answer is something like, "Women all stink!" or "Marriage isn't for me," run. If it's, "I never found the right woman," or "I never had an opportunity," keep exploring.

[Zapbasket]

I dated a man who at age 49 had never had a relationship last past one year and had only had a smattering of fairly "serious" girlfriends...which when the relationships last only a year, a "smattering" at age 49 is not a lot.

 

When we first started dating, that history made me a bit nervous and so I asked him about it; "why," I challenged him, "have you never married?" He replied, "I was an idiot. I foreclosed on relationships that could have made it longer term." He told me he realized his mistake and had changed.

 

I never stopped being uneasy about his history, but I extended faith that people can and do change and sometimes it takes some people longer to "grow up" than others, and besides, just the fact of being married does not indicate that someone is more mature than someone who has never married. I also told myself that perhaps it is entirely possible that a 49-year-old simply may not have met the right person yet.

 

Let me tell you, this particular person turned out NOT to be relationship material in any way, shape, or form...and nor will he EVER be. The man cannot even commit to getting a dog even though for three years he has had a doggie door in his back door that HE built there. He turned out to have a bonified personality disorder and being with him subjected me to a level of control and humiliation that I have never in my life experienced and plan never to be in the path of again, ever.

 

Basically, early on he looked like a duck, talked like a duck, walked like a duck, and he was 100%...a duck.

 

This is, of course, only ONE circumstance, but listen to your gut and to what they say about why they never married. It certainly can be a big, HUGE, red flag.

 

Of course, it hurts to write all this because here I am at 35 and I'm not married, and I wonder if that says something about me beyond the fact that to date I've just not found, nor have chosen, men who tick all my boxes. At the rate I'm going, I'm likely not to be married until just before I turn 40. And I'd hope that anyone who dates me from here on sees that I am a very worthy person for marriage, very loyal and loving, and does not hold it against me that up to this point in my life I have never married nor even come close, although all of my relationships lasted past 1.5 years, and one even 5 years (which, I realize, is not a good thing since every relationship I should have ended sooner). Oy vey.

[carhill]

One data point but I can relate, as a man who married for the first time as an older man, that I was far more willing and desirous of 'going the extra mile' for the M as a never married man than I am now as a divorced man. Reality has its effects. Unknown as to whether that is a positive or negative from your perspective. On the positive side, marriage taught me a lot about boundaries and communication and I'm far more likely to assert boundaries now and communicate them clearly and be unafraid of negative reaction. I think that's healthier.

 

Perhaps you can assist us in describing what you view as 'immature' behavior. I haven't yet seen any clear patterns in the men and women I've known in life and am curious.

[MilfinBerle]

I've never been married, and have dated mostly never-married men in their late 30's and 40's with not much success, as most of them have been immature in some ways. I'm wondering if divorced men in general are more mature, stable, and over-all better relationship partners than never-married men for someone a bit older like me. In other words, is it a sign of maturity if a man can commit to marriage?

 

You may just have inadvertently hit upon a logical explanation for why some women have affairs with married men (not a moral justification; just a logical explanation).

 

I would imagine 9 of 10 times a man in his late 30's/early 40's who has never had a serious emotional attachment with a woman may be unable to ever learn to do so.

 

On the other hand, divorced men may have their own baggage (as noted).

 

What's left? Married guys in their late 30s early 40s, I guess, married guys who are willing/able to fool around.

 

I think pretty much any reasonably desirable man who is capable of having a serious relationship is going to be taken off the dating market by his early to mid 30's. Not necessarily marriage, but an LTR or live in arrangement.

 

If one of these guys becomes available there's probably not a huge window of opportunity to grab him either.

 

I think when one of these guys comes along and is anywhere near your strike zone you have to take the swing.

 

You might not get a second chance.

[sunshinegirl]

I dated a divorced man who hadn't learned any of the lessons from his failed marriage. Needless to say, things didn't work out.

 

The man I did marry was 37 when we met, never married. His was a case of not having found the right woman despite an active dating/relationship history. Men like him are out there, but I will agree that they are few and far between. Before I met him I had assumed I would probably need to continue to be open to men with prior marriages and/or kids.

[zengirl]

After 40, divorced men!

 

Any man who reached 40 and never got married has some issues that are never going to go away and is not a great sharer. Now, if he had a long-term partner (I'm thinking close to a decade), he lived with as married, then that's okay too. It's not the piece of paper; it's the ability to live with and commit to someone, day to day, that I think you need before 40.

 

When my mother was divorced and dating in her 30s (and my step-father was actually in his late 20s when she met him, but she dated a few guys), she said the divorced guys were always better candidates for her, and my step-father was in fact one of the divorced guys. Got to look at how/why they got the divorce, though. My step-father's wife left him and part of the reason was she didn't want kids and he did (my parents never had kids either, but my step-father raised me, so I guess that worked). Now, guys like my Dad after the divorce, who was divorced because he couldn't keep it in his pants. . . probably not the best candidates.

 

I'm sure there are some never-marrieds who are great at that age, but it depends how deep/long their other relationships have been, why they've never been married (commitment issues spring to mind, really, or they just don't WANT to be married), and what your goals are for relationships. Most of the people I've seen who settled down for the first time after that age were too stubborn to be good partners. You get set in your ways.

[Toodamnpragmatic]

who wants to keep his options open, I can ensure you that it is a divorced male you want to date:p;).

 

Any unmarried male over 40 is carrying so much baggage, is a narcissistic man-child or a serial dater they have no interest in a full on relationship. If they do, it will be with someone 15 years younger in anycase.....

[FitChick]

I prefer divorced men. They learned a very expensive lesson in the previous marriage and if they're smart they won't repeat the same mistakes made with the ex-wife. They miss the comforts of home life and know how good things can be. Single men are too self-centered and don't know what they are missing.

 

I think widowers are the best bet but they are quickly snapped up.

[Duckduckgoose]

Either could be a good bet.

 

Never marrieds if they've come clean about why they've never been married and you're cool with that. Note that you will have a lot of training to do.

 

Divorced are a bit more tricky. Many will have baggage, kids, and probably some unresolved issues from divorce. Not saying they are bad, they are a different type of person though. Divorce can make even the best person gun-shy.

[StoneCold]

 

I think widowers are the best bet but they are quickly snapped up.

 

Really?

 

But many widowers dont have closure especially if their spouse died suddenly....its almost like you're a "stand in" or some sort of "replacement".

 

To each thei own but I'm not sure I'd want to go there

[StoneCold]

I've never been married, and have dated mostly never-married men in their late 30's and 40's with not much success, as most of them have been immature in some ways. I'm wondering if divorced men in general are more mature, stable, and over-all better relationship partners than never-married men for someone a bit older like me. In other words, is it a sign of maturity if a man can commit to marriage?

 

 

Are you saying that just because someone chooses not to marry that makes them "immature"?

 

I think its unfortunate to assume that just because someone chooses not to follow "the crowd" that means there is something wrong with them.

Edited October 20, 2011 by StoneCold

[Woggle]

I don't see what marriage has to do with maturity either. Anybody can get married and plenty of married people act appallingly. It is much smarter to take your time and build your own life up then when you meet the right one get married.

[carhill]

Yeah, if they made it (getting a marriage license) the same as getting a driver's license for the first time (pretty easy in most places) I wonder how many people would pass the 'driving test'

 

ETA, perhaps repeated testing with every new license wouldn't be a bad idea either. I think I'll take a 'driver's training course' (PMC) the next time I think about getting married, if I do.

Edited October 20, 2011 by carhill

[knitwit]

Back before we started dating, my now-husband used to tease me by calling me "Ms Spinster." I was 34 at the time.

 

At that time, he was about 2 years post-divorce. I would just bat my eyes and say "That's Ms. Slightly-Wiser-Than-My-Divorced-Friends to you, my dear."

 

Where are you finding these never-married fellas? I mostly came across divorced men, but at the time I was in a major metropolitan area.

 

I think there are better measure of someone's maturity than marital status, such as: has he been able to hold a job/build a career; is he financially responsible; does he have long-term friendships; does he treat people (parent, siblings, waiters, etc) well? These were the primary Yes/No items I'd look for when I first started to date a guy. YMMV.