RockGuy87 Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 I posted this elsewhere but maybe some here can help me out. My story changed dramatically. I found out that she had lied. Not about a dude or anything. But about what friends she had been hanging with and that she never stopped smoking weed. I told her to not smoke anymore and dont hang out with that drugged out trash she calls friends. She claims she has been for about the past 4-5 months. We were together for almost 9. She did so well at hiding it, i never even had any ideas she was. We were in a LDR. I saw her everyday this summer and during school came home every weekend. I cant believe how she could say it was love when you dont do that to someone you love. She seriously thought it was ok for her to do what she did. She gout caught last week and got put on suspension for 2 weeks at school because they searched her car. She broke up with me after and I always wondered and was hurt because it was something so small that she ended it. Now i know she was just doing it so maybe i never would find out and coudlnt have caused that disappointment. Its so sad that her life has been so hard. Her mom gave her up to her dad and never saw her for 13 years and then she got abused by her dads new wife so she went back to her mom. Her mom was never a mother and so she did what she wanted and never learned. Her mom had three other kids that are way older than this girl. Ones a meth head, another is a washed up trashy ghetto girl, and the other is in jail for a murder charge. AS you can see, not the best mom. She never had a chance and never knew what life or love was suppose to be like. She is so sweet at her core but she grew up with this family and friends and so thats what she goes back to and how she acts. I loved her before this crap and I loved the girl she acted to be. She has done nothing but cry and say how stupid she was. She started to text me when i went to sleep said " Im so sorry for literally everything. I hurt the one i love the most ever. I'll never forgive myself but i hope you can one day. You seriously are the most amazing guy and truly make my world go round and you deserve they very best *******. You do babe. I miss you. I need you so bad (pet name). You're my rock...but i dont deserve it nor will it happen. But i just wanted to tell you. ; ( im super sad. You cant imagine. My hearts broken and i cant go 5 minutes without crying. I've really lost the best thing that's been mine. But please dont text back. Please please please dont. But i do really really really love you. You are my first and always will be my 1st." After i never responded she said "Im going to bed. Dont text me after tonight. Please. Goodnight." Gah she says that after every time but then texts more. All of this was while i was asleep and was split up 3 different times. She would say a little. Wait an hour and say more. Going from 1:30 am to 4:00 am. I hate it took her so long to realize this and i hate that up until i found out a couple of days she ended us that she had been lying and confronted her did she actually cave. I love her and tried to pull her through that and she made me think I had. I havent texted back. I texted a short novel to her but didnt send. Im glad she is hurt but why do I still want to fix her and be with her? What would you guys do..... What steps? Do I even reply? Link to post Share on other sites
Jen1689 Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 This girl is messed up and doesn't want help and doesn't want you to "fix" her. Until she takes responsibility for herself and learns to start loving herself, she will never change for you or for anyone. Feigning love and affection is the ultimate form of manipulation, and she's using that to her advantage. Why are you letting her get away with it? If you take her back each and every time she does something like this, she will never learn and will never change. You need to let her go entirely for her to learn the error of her ways. Otherwise she'll think that screwing up only sucks until she spouts a few sweet words and cries and begs. It's like letting a child throw a tantrum in a store only to give in and buy them what they want in the end. Do you think the child will ever stop throwing tantrums? I think not. DO NOT take her back. Let her go and **** up her own life and see where it gets her. Maybe then she will learn and want to change for HERSELF. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
seibert253 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 She has MAJOR issues and it shows in her choices. Dulling her pain will never heal it. Thus, she will remain broken. If you wish to be in a relationship with a woman with her type of issues, (baggage), and continually deal with the fallout of her destructive choices, then have at it. You cannot and will not ever save her from herself. IMO, you deserve better than she will ever give you. Link to post Share on other sites
Quiet Storm Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I think you should let her go. Her unstable childhood created a lot of issues in her that will not be cured with your love. Many men fall for women like this because they like being the rescuer. They think that by loving her, helping her, caring for her...that she will turn into a wonderful partner. They believe that she is good person in bad circumstances, and that a good, positive environment will change her for the better. It sounds good in theory, but rarely works. Men that marry these types often end up with chaotic, drama filled lives. Her issues and the issues of her siblings are typical of someone raised in chaos. These people develop unhealthy coping skills in order to survive their unstable environments. Kids need to be nurtured. When they aren't, it has lasting lifelong effects. They often grow up to be liars, addicts, impulsive or personality disordered. While it may not be her fault that she is like this, the end result is still the same: She is like this. So, if you want to be with her, be realistic. See her as she is now, not for her potential. Realize that your kindness won't change her. Know that she can be the perfect girlfriend one minute, and a sneaky, manipulative liar the next minute (because that is normal in her family). Know that she will not be able to handle conflict or crisis, and she will revert back to her unhealthy coping mechanisms to escape...like drugs, cheating or other self-destructive behavior (because as a child she was powerless to resolve the conflicts, so she escaped). Know that when she has kids, she may not be a caring, nurturing mother (affection and nurturing was not given to her and may not come naturally). Know that her love will be inconsistent (game playing, manipulations were commonplace in her life). Basically, realize that dysfunction is her "normal". Honesty, respect, love, integrity were never instilled in her, and don't come naturally. Logically, she knows what is right and wrong, but her first response to conflict will be to lie, her first response to confrontation will be to flee (either literally or using substances to "escape"). These things can be overcome, but it takes years of therapy and introspection. For example, when you told her you didn't want her to hang out with those friends, a healthy response for her would have been to 1) talk with you about her not wanting to give up her friends and come to a compromise or 2) tell you that she would not give up her friends and allow you to decide whether to stay in the relationship. She chose to lie and do what she wanted anyway, to avoid that conflict. This kind of thing will repeat itself over and over, in many different types of situations, because it is her default response. People can change, but you will have an easier life if you choose someone without these issues. Link to post Share on other sites
carhill Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I think you should let her go. People can change, but you will have an easier life if you choose someone without these issues. Boiling it down, I cosign this and hope the OP re-reads everything in between, as it is some of the clearest and most cogent explanation of the dynamic I've seen to date. Good show. Link to post Share on other sites
jnj express Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 This girl has enuff class to try and make you realize, she is more than likely no good for you, and will make your life miserable, if you try and stay with her Its in her, to live the way she does, and that, more than likely DOES NOT INCLUDE NICE GUYS She has given you great gift---she is giving you your freedom----take it, but IMHO, there are times down the road in your life, when you should look back at her with fondness, and know that this girl loved you enuff, to make you leave, knowing that, that was what's best for you Do her proud, and make a good solid life for yourself. Link to post Share on other sites
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