insane, crazy & confused

[pixiegirl]

I need some sane advice desperately.

 

nutshell:

 

met guy ( the kind of guy I always liked but never was interested in me)1 year ago began dating really connected, really liked but I had to leave for 4 mos for job

 

Kept in touch via email- thought about him all the time

 

Came back started seeing each other- he told me he didn't want a girlfriend , I understood, but we kept seeing each other quite often

 

Feel like my soul is connected to this guy

 

started to act crazy in my head because I was always worried he was going to break it off

 

the old saying " the one who loves the least has the most power"

 

obsessed about him- tried to be cool around him

 

after 4 months he told me he met someone else- I was crushed

 

came to get my things- we talked he said we were getting too intimate, and he was scared. He cried and I cried. Really intense really sad.

 

Found out the girl he went out with was really sketchy , was mean to him, he fell for it and even paid her rent. She eventually turned him down.

 

Meanwhile, I was freaking out, found out who she was- she is asian, I am not. He has an asian porno thing. Then found out she was in an all girl band for a while. Found out she is all over the internet. Self torture. obsessing about him and her

 

So, I decided I had to get my ##### together- lost 30 lbs, began to go out meet new people, but he was still always on my mind.

 

Never called him just drove myself crazy

 

3 months later- sent him a random email he responded started dialogue

 

Wanted to be friends, let him see how good I looked and then turn him down.

 

Didn't work- we had a wonderful day and one thing lead to another

 

told him he couldn't do that unless he was seeing me again. We talked he said he missed me and decided to hang out again.

 

Seen each other a few times- I got scared and broke up with him - told him I wanted to do more, hang out like buds too, and then we made up.

 

The problem is he keeps me at arms length when we are not around each other. When we are together we have a amazing time but he doesn't call often and I feel like I am giving too much. So, we spent last Monday together, had a wonderful time, he told me he had a really good time. He looks at me a lot and hugs, etc. He has never been around me without kissing me. Even if it is for a minute to pick something up.

 

PROBLEM; I really care about this guy but I am freaked out he is "looking" we don't go out very often, and I finally heard from him tonight (since Monday) I had sent some emails to him but he didn't respond and his birthday was Fri. and when I sent him a birhday email I heard nothing from him. So my anxiety level is on high. I am so afraid of being dumped again, but I don't want to jump the gun and break it off when he just needs space. So far as I know he isn't seeing anyone else. I am not going to call him. I hate these games. I really want to call him but I don't trust him, fear of being rejected by him again. I just don't know. I REALLY care about this guy but he won't let me in his life it feels like. This is driving me crazy. I feel obsessed. I have never been this way with anyone. When we are together we fit so well, we smile and talk and joke. I can tell he really likes me but why is he keeping me at arms length. I don't want to take over his world, I just would like to be more of a friend- someone you contact & hang out with but still have you own life. I can't get lost in him but maybe I already am. Sorry so long I am just at my witts end- to stay or not to stay that is the question. I don't understand. Help

[Tony T]

You are lying to yourself. You want to be a lot more than a friend to this guy. You are in love with him. You want to be his girlfriend. You want him to see you exclusively. You may even have thoughts of marrying the guy. That is the reality you have to fess up to.

 

The other reality that you have to fess up to is that he doesn't have those same feelings for you or he would respond to you differently. Or he may have those feelings and be very scared of them and completely incapable of acting upon them.

 

He needs a lot of time to grow and evolve into having the ability to become completely vulnerable and love. He just isn't ready for that now.

 

There is a possibility that his interest is dulled because he knows you like him. Many guys are far more attracted to women who are not nice to them or who are much more of a challenge to them than you, who are unpredictable, aloof...give the impression they just don't care all that much.

 

You can torture yourself, drive yourself to serious depression, wait constantly for the phone to ring, devise comprehensive plans to run into him when he's shopping or elsewhere...you can do just about everything possible and it's simply not going to make any difference.

 

The minute you decide to write him off and start seeing other people, his attitude will probably change. But when you get happy and come back to him, he will once again drop you like a hot potato.

 

You have absolutely no alternative, if you want to save your mental health, but to get away from this guy and have nothing further to do with him. If you hang around in this drama, it could go on for years. Then again, you may get some enjoyment out of it and that's OK. But I don't see anything productive coming out of it.

 

There are just way too many guys out there who you would really love who wouldn't jerk you and your emotions around like this guy.

[Cindylu]

Pixiegirl listen to Tony he is right. The same kind of thing happened to me. That guy is looking or all ready has found another girl friend. Where was he on his birthday? How come he doesn't return your e-mail? Is this the kind of relationship you want? The longer you stay friends the more heartache you will have. Pining for someone who doesn't love you or doesn't treat you with respect is a waste of time and will make you feel worse and worse and your self-esteem will go down the toilet. Get counseling if you have to but please don't learn the hard way like I had to. It is more painful to linger on in limbo. I know it

 

will be hard but you can do it and you will be happier in the long run. Find a nice guy they are out there.

You are lying to yourself. You want to be a lot more than a friend to this guy. You are in love with him. You want to be his girlfriend. You want him to see you exclusively. You may even have thoughts of marrying the guy. That is the reality you have to fess up to. The other reality that you have to fess up to is that he doesn't have those same feelings for you or he would respond to you differently. Or he may have those feelings and be very scared of them and completely incapable of acting upon them. He needs a lot of time to grow and evolve into having the ability to become completely vulnerable and love. He just isn't ready for that now. There is a possibility that his interest is dulled because he knows you like him. Many guys are far more attracted to women who are not nice to them or who are much more of a challenge to them than you, who are unpredictable, aloof...give the impression they just don't care all that much.

 

You can torture yourself, drive yourself to serious depression, wait constantly for the phone to ring, devise comprehensive plans to run into him when he's shopping or elsewhere...you can do just about everything possible and it's simply not going to make any difference. The minute you decide to write him off and start seeing other people, his attitude will probably change. But when you get happy and come back to him, he will once again drop you like a hot potato.

 

You have absolutely no alternative, if you want to save your mental health, but to get away from this guy and have nothing further to do with him. If you hang around in this drama, it could go on for years. Then again, you may get some enjoyment out of it and that's OK. But I don't see anything productive coming out of it. There are just way too many guys out there who you would really love who wouldn't jerk you and your emotions around like this guy.

[Jenna]

This guy is probably using you- and you are letting him. You are easy prey- and he is taking complete advantage of you. Take charge of this situation- and stop being his doormat. Sure he's nice to you when you're together- he knows that is what will get you in bed.

 

He is not going to wake up tomorrow and be ready for a committed relationship- however- if you don't walk away- YOU will be ready for committment- the kind that comes with the pretty white jacket.

 

As I said to someone in an earlier post- it is so sad and frustrating when someone chases after another person who does not want them. You won't change him- the sooner that you accept this- the better of you will be.

 

I "would have" suggested that you just be friends since you seem to enjoy his company- but you can't do it without ending up having sex with him- which just causes you more pain when he doesn't want a relationship. You feel intimacy when you are sharing a sexual experience- and all he feels is "yeah!!! I'm getting some!!!"

 

Your efforts would be better spent meeting some new friends-or spending time with current friends who will help you get through the separation anxiety-a process that we all go through when a relationship ends- once you have made it over that hill- focus on meeting someone who will return your same feelings.

 

Good Luck- Jenna

You are lying to yourself. You want to be a lot more than a friend to this guy. You are in love with him. You want to be his girlfriend. You want him to see you exclusively. You may even have thoughts of marrying the guy. That is the reality you have to fess up to. The other reality that you have to fess up to is that he doesn't have those same feelings for you or he would respond to you differently. Or he may have those feelings and be very scared of them and completely incapable of acting upon them. He needs a lot of time to grow and evolve into having the ability to become completely vulnerable and love. He just isn't ready for that now. There is a possibility that his interest is dulled because he knows you like him. Many guys are far more attracted to women who are not nice to them or who are much more of a challenge to them than you, who are unpredictable, aloof...give the impression they just don't care all that much.

 

You can torture yourself, drive yourself to serious depression, wait constantly for the phone to ring, devise comprehensive plans to run into him when he's shopping or elsewhere...you can do just about everything possible and it's simply not going to make any difference. The minute you decide to write him off and start seeing other people, his attitude will probably change. But when you get happy and come back to him, he will once again drop you like a hot potato.

 

You have absolutely no alternative, if you want to save your mental health, but to get away from this guy and have nothing further to do with him. If you hang around in this drama, it could go on for years. Then again, you may get some enjoyment out of it and that's OK. But I don't see anything productive coming out of it. There are just way too many guys out there who you would really love who wouldn't jerk you and your emotions around like this guy.

[pixiegirl]

This guy is probably using you- and you are

letting him. You are easy prey- and he is taking complete advantage of you. Take charge of this situation- and stop being his doormat. Sure he's nice to you when you're together- he knows that is what will get you in bed. He is not going to wake up tomorrow and be ready for a committed relationship- however- if you don't walk away- YOU will be ready for committment- the kind that comes with the pretty white jacket.

 

As I said to someone in an earlier post- it is so sad and frustrating when someone chases after another person who does not want them. You won't change him- the sooner that you accept this- the better of you will be. I "would have" suggested that you just be friends since you seem to enjoy his company- but you can't do it without ending up having sex with him- which just causes you more pain when he doesn't want a relationship. You feel intimacy when you are sharing a sexual experience- and all he feels is "yeah!!! I'm getting some!!!"

 

Your efforts would be better spent meeting some new friends-or spending time with current friends who will help you get through the separation anxiety-a process that we all go through when a relationship ends- once you have made it over that hill- focus on meeting someone who will return your same feelings. Good Luck- Jenna

Thank you so much for your responses. Oh, I know you are right, I feel it- He called me last night while I was online- I am not going to call him back. But I want to , I want to. I don't know if I can face him in person again- I am too much of a pushover for him- I love his voice so it is so hard to call- would it be really tacky to send him an email ? Part of me wants to scream at him the other part is trying to take the higher road- either way he is gone. This is so hard and so painful. The idea he is using me makes me really upset- but I think I am in deniel about the whole situation. I think I have watched too many movies where they " come to their senses" and run after you. Why is it we always want the one we can't have. My heart is so broken. How do I cut this thing off and gain some self respect.

[Deejette]

I agree with Tony, Cindylu, and Jenna. They are giving you good moral support and I needed to read it too. I have been toying with the idea of meeting with the spacey man I broke up to elaborate on why we broke up. He can't understand how it has to be an all or nothing thing.

 

But I know, if I see him again, it will turn physical and that will feel good at the time. But it will only cause me heartache afterwards, because the relationship has too many problems with it for it to work. Just because we click physically and have great times together is not enough for a strong relationship. His thoughtlessness and baggage have caused me a lot of unhappiness in the past and will continue to do so in the future. So, even though I feel like a bleeding open wound, I will be strong.This website is helping me preserve whatever self-esteem I came away with after being on a roller coaster of insanity, passion, dismay, distress, and anger.

 

This guy is probably using you- and you are letting him. You are easy prey- and he is taking complete advantage of you. Take charge of this situation- and stop being his doormat. Sure he's nice to you when you're together- he knows that is what will get you in bed. He is not going to wake up tomorrow and be ready for a committed relationship- however- if you don't walk away- YOU will be ready for committment- the kind that comes with the pretty white jacket.

 

As I said to someone in an earlier post- it is so sad and frustrating when someone chases after another person who does not want them. You won't change him- the sooner that you accept this- the better of you will be. I "would have" suggested that you just be friends since you seem to enjoy his company- but you can't do it without ending up having sex with him- which just causes you more pain when he doesn't want a relationship. You feel intimacy when you are sharing a sexual experience- and all he feels is "yeah!!! I'm getting some!!!"

 

Your efforts would be better spent meeting some new friends-or spending time with current friends who will help you get through the separation anxiety-a process that we all go through when a relationship ends- once you have made it over that hill- focus on meeting someone who will return your same feelings. Good Luck- Jenna

[Jenna]

If sending an email is what you have to do to close this chapter- get to typing. Once you end this dysfunctional relationship- you will immediately feel a sense of respect for yourself. You will feel pain also -because for whatever reason you seem to be emotionally attached to this person. But you can do it- take control- and follow through. You appear to be able to "make" good decisions- but you don't follow through when push comes to shove. Be confident that YOU know what is best for you. Don't drag the break-up process out- just tell him that this relationship is not working for you- and you feel its best if you end it now. And for God's sake- MEAN IT WHEN YOU SAY IT!! You can bet that he will (for the sake of the chase) call on you again- just to see if he can start the game once more- as he has done in the past. This will be the true test of self-control - don't fail yourself.

 

Jenna

Thank you so much for your responses. Oh, I know you are right, I feel it- He called me last night while I was online- I am not going to call him back. But I want to , I want to. I don't know if I can face him in person again- I am too much of a pushover for him- I love his voice so it is so hard to call- would it be really tacky to send him an email ? Part of me wants to scream at him the other part is trying to take the higher road- either way he is gone. This is so hard and so painful. The idea he is using me makes me really upset- but I think I am in deniel about the whole situation. I think I have watched too many movies where they " come to their senses" and run after you. Why is it we always want the one we can't have. My heart is so broken. How do I cut this thing off and gain some self respect.