Jahoobie Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 I recently found out my wife has been having a lesbian affair with someone. I have been suspicious of her and this other woman for months, and was always told it was nothing. Or my wife would get mad at me for not trusting her. She also recently told me she isn't sure if she is straight or not (how you don't KNOW that is beyond me), and that she isn't attracted to me sexually at all, and isn't sure she ever was...I think the last part was just to hurt me...we HAD a pretty good sex life up until she met her new wh0re. (sorry...bitter) I just don't know what to do. The hurt and betrayal is overwhelming. The fact that she would throw away 12 years of marriage. What will this do to our 2 kids? (ages 4 and 7) I'm terrified of the effect this will have on them. I'm planning on confronting her tonight and telling her I am disgusted by her behavior, her disregard for me, our family and our life together, and I think she needs to leave until we figure out how to move forward. I mean, I love her DEEPLY, and part of me still wants this to work out. Am I just a fool? Link to post Share on other sites
Feelin Frisky Posted October 9, 2011 Share Posted October 9, 2011 No, you're not a fool. You're facing a personal crisis that means a hell of lot. I hope you can prepare yourself for the worst and see some brights on the other side. Things like this happen unfortunately and it's your turn. Good luck. Link to post Share on other sites
zsu234 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Sometimes these people don't come out of the closet until they're married and have kids, creating all kinds of havoc in the process. I'm truly sorry for your plight. You need to get the meanest mens advocate attorney and divorce her ass ASAP! Good luck! Link to post Share on other sites
EgoJoe Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Get evidence of the affair before moving forward with the divorce so that you can have the upper hand. Link to post Share on other sites
Leslie5007 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Sometimes confusion about sexual identity is never resolved. There's no need to be aggressive in the divorce. The real rub will be custody and you may have to adapt. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Read this thread and mimic his actions. It's the quickest way out of the pain. Prove your love to her by giving her what she wants; her freedom. When a woman says she is not physically attracted believe her. The relationship is over 99.9% of the time. Do not waste time and energy agonizing over what is right and fair. Life is not fair. Do not waste time and energy trying to convince her otherwise. The harder you try, the farther you'll push her away. Ask her to leave. Focus on your healing and work through the process. There is light on the other side, no matter how dim things seem now. Post here- Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jahoobie Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 Read this thread and mimic his actions. Yeah...I need to let her go, but she's the love of my life and I don't really know how to do that. She admitted the affair, and told me it was all my fault, that I pushed her to it. She's more worried I am going to out her to the world than she is with the destruction she has left behind. I really don't know how I am going to get through this. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Yeah...I need to let her go, but she's the love of my life and I don't really know how to do that. She admitted the affair, and told me it was all my fault, that I pushed her to it. She's more worried I am going to out her to the world than she is with the destruction she has left behind. I really don't know how I am going to get through this. So out her to the world. What she's doing isn't YOUR fault, it's hers. If she's ashamed of her actions...that's because deep down she knows she's the one in the wrong. Tell her family, tell her friends...let her face the consequences of her decisions. Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 (edited) Tell her family, tell her friends...let her face the consequences of her decisions. There is nothing to gain out of doing this. Nothing at all. This is whats called a destructive decision and has nothing to do with his own well being. Its a win/lose decision. It might create instant gratification but the problem is that he will still be hurt afterwards and has done nothing to start the healing process. The fault is not yours in the least, shes the one that cheated, as hard as it is, let her go. Keep your own dignity and pride. I watched my mom cheat on my dad almost 18 years ago and it was disheartning. It wasn't a one time thing either. They are still together but my dad is dead inside. He became a liar to cover up the lies of telling himself how its ok and he's over it. This is something I personally could never get over. You have to ask yourself the truth. Can you honestly forgive her for this without lying to yourself. Don't even think about how much you love her, ask yourself will I ever get over this? Since she is making decisions for her now, you need to start making constructive decisions for you now and only you! Edited October 10, 2011 by wilsonx Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Looks like we'll have to agree to disagree, and both post our advice to the OP. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jahoobie Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 There is nothing to gain out of doing this. Nothing at all. This is whats called a destructive decision and has nothing to do with his own well being. Its a win/lose decision. It might create instant gratification but the problem is that he will still be hurt afterwards and has done nothing to start the healing process. The fault is not yours in the least, shes the one that cheated, as hard as it is, let her go. Keep your own dignity and pride. I watched my mom cheat on my dad almost 18 years ago and it was disheartning. It wasn't a one time thing either. They are still together but my dad is dead inside. He became a liar to cover up the lies of telling himself how its ok and he's over it. This is something I personally could never get over. You have to ask yourself the truth. Can you honestly forgive her for this without lying to yourself. Don't even think about how much you love her, ask yourself will I ever get over this? Since she is making decisions for her now, you need to start making constructive decisions for you now and only you! WilsonX. I'd like to think I could forgive her at some point, right now I'm so filled with anger that I don't know what to think. One thing is for sure, the sooner my heart admits that this is over, and has no chance of returning the better...but it's not an easy "decision" to make. As far as outing her to the world...I wouldn't ever out her to her family, or to our church. That will be up to her to make that decision as to how she is going to do that, and I do not envy her that. The realization of friends and family that she has had an affair is embarrassing enough. Having to come out in the process makes it 10,000x more difficult. While I cannot fathom her decisions recently, and while I really do not "owe" her anything, one thing is certain, I still have feelings, and while I am hurting, I don't know how much she is hurting as well, and it would be childish of me to be destructive out of spite. Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 People like her are emotionally immature, they will never take responsibility for their own actions. Obviously you can try. But its not going to happen, they will do everything possible to avoid taking blame for their own actions. I was in a relationship with someone like her, she cheated on me not once but twice and told me the same thing. It was my fault, she cheated on me because we were having problems. If she blamed the cheating on herself and said Im sorry it was a mistake what can we do to fix this, I would be more open to the idea that its fixable but I do not see it from this post. This is an emotionally mature response. I have a friend whos wife did the same thing and left him for the other girl. What you are suggesting about telling her friends and family? What will that accomplish, you keep your relationship business to yourself. Would you want your significant other telling your problems to your friends and family? Link to post Share on other sites
2011aug Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 So out her to the world. What she's doing isn't YOUR fault, it's hers. If she's ashamed of her actions...that's because deep down she knows she's the one in the wrong. Tell her family, tell her friends...let her face the consequences of her decisions. Yes, you have to out her. That's a consequence. If you dont, you are actually enabling her and condoning her actions. And you are showing your kids that her behaviour is acceptable. Not a good lesson for them as they grow up; in time they will lose all respect for you. Link to post Share on other sites
wilsonx Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Yes, you have to out her. That's a consequence. If you dont, you are actually enabling her and condoning her actions. And you are showing your kids that her behaviour is acceptable. Not a good lesson for them as they grow up; in time they will lose all respect for you. No you dont out her. This is not being the better person, you are stooping to HER level. You want to show that the behavior is not acceptable, you end the relationship. That's the only way to not enable this type of behavior. Link to post Share on other sites
2011aug Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Yeah...I need to let her go, but she's the love of my life and I don't really know how to do that. She admitted the affair, and told me it was all my fault, that I pushed her to it. She's more worried I am going to out her to the world than she is with the destruction she has left behind. I really don't know how I am going to get through this. She was the love of your life? I dont understand how people can live with someone who's unrepentant, disloyal and unfaithful. Makes day-to-day living hellish, wouldn't you say? Link to post Share on other sites
2011aug Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 No you dont out her. This is not being the better person, you are stooping to HER level. You want to show that the behavior is not acceptable, you end the relationship. That's the only way to not enable this type of behavior. No, you out her to bring everything into the open. You can out her gracefully and not go into graphic details. Outing her is not in the same category as adultery. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Jahoobie...a couple of thoughts. First off...you need to figure out what outcome YOU want to see out of all of this. Reconciliation? Divorce? What's your goal? Second, go over to marriagebuilders.com and read through their free information. Avoid the forums, they're worse than useless. But read up on plan A, plan B, how infidelity works, the lovebank, the emotional needs questionaire, etc... Read about "exposure" and how to use it to accomplish your goals. You might also pick up a copy of the book "Surviving an Affair". The fact that it's with another woman actually doesn't really change the dynamics...it's still infidelity. The dynamics are the same, and the process to recover a marriage are the same. Let us know what your goal is...and after reading that info, come back and we'll help you work out a plan to reach your goal...whichever way you decide to go. Link to post Share on other sites
TheDovic Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 You're kidding yourself if she actually is gay! I know this is the most obvious statement ever, but if she is gay then you know yourself it will never work. If on the other hand she is just confused because of other issues in her life i.e. boredom, feeling unappreciated, low self esteem etc, then you could maybe work on things. First thing you need to do is find out if she's gay or confused!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Steen719 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 There is nothing to gain out of doing this. Nothing at all. This is whats called a destructive decision and has nothing to do with his own well being. Its a win/lose decision. It might create instant gratification but the problem is that he will still be hurt afterwards and has done nothing to start the healing process. The fault is not yours in the least, shes the one that cheated, as hard as it is, let her go. Keep your own dignity and pride. I watched my mom cheat on my dad almost 18 years ago and it was disheartning. It wasn't a one time thing either. They are still together but my dad is dead inside. He became a liar to cover up the lies of telling himself how its ok and he's over it. This is something I personally could never get over. You have to ask yourself the truth. Can you honestly forgive her for this without lying to yourself. Don't even think about how much you love her, ask yourself will I ever get over this? Since she is making decisions for her now, you need to start making constructive decisions for you now and only you! Hey, Wilsonx, I'm tj'ing here a little bit, but in your experience, do you think it would have better if your dad acknowledged it and left? My son, 21 yp, knows and I am leaving..trying to feel better about what he is going through..I am the BS. Thnx...Sorry for the tj, Jahoobie. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jahoobie Posted October 10, 2011 Author Share Posted October 10, 2011 Owl. I've been to that site before. my itention has always been to stay married. I love her, and even though some jackhole a$$hats on this site will call me pathetic for that, it's the truth. I do not believe she is gay. I think we were in a bad time in our marriage and she became infatuated with a manipulative, charismatic woman. but no amount of me saying that will make her realize it. do I think there's any hope? I don't know. it all feels pretty hopeless right now. to be honest, it all feels surreal and like I'm in a fog/nightmare. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 OK...then here's what I suggest for your first step. Expose the affair. Go to your family, your friends, etc...and explain to them what's been going on, make it clear that you're fighting to save your marriage, and ask their help. Ask them to talk with her, let her know that what she's doing is wrong, and that she can't continue with things as they are. (exposure as outlined by marriage builders). Don't tell your wife that you're going to do this...otherwise she'll do damage control and spin it to make you look crazy or something. Once that's done...you need to sit down, take a re-look at "Plan A". See what things do need to change on your side...and start making them happen. The other side of that is to actually back off from your wife a bit. It's hard while this is going on not to be needy/clingy, but that's the worst thing to do. Start focusing on what you can do to fix things on your side...and keep pressure up at the same time on her to end her affair. Link to post Share on other sites
zsu234 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Jahoobie My wife is straight. Period. When we younger, I tried talking her into a 3 way with another woman. She would have none of that. Your wife is destroying her family by having a homosexual affair. My wife wouldn't do that EVER! Your wife is a lesbian and you can't fix that. Time to accept that, make sure you get full custody so your kids aren't ruined by living in a homosexual household. BTW, ignore those imbeciles who previously posted their Jr. High level advice. Link to post Share on other sites
stillafool Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 Maybe if your wife was involved with another man you would have a level playing field; but there is no way you can compete with a woman. She has told you she is not in love with you. Why don't you believe her? Are you hoping to make her not gay? Link to post Share on other sites
Leslie5007 Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 I do not believe she is gay. I think we were in a bad time in our marriage and she became infatuated with a manipulative, charismatic woman. but no amount of me saying that will make her realize it. do I think there's any hope? I don't know. it all feels pretty hopeless right now. to be honest, it all feels surreal and like I'm in a fog/nightmare. Take the high road and don't do anything stupid like outing her. You'll look pathetic yourself if you do. Infatuations end by definition. None of this is easy, but dont listen to the hate speech here. Link to post Share on other sites
Steadfast Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Tell her family, tell her friends...let her face the consequences of her decisions. There is nothing to gain out of doing this. Nothing at all. Agree wilson. In my opinion, the whole "expose to everyone and make your intentions known" is a huge, hairy waste of time that's almost always misinterpreted. The action reeks of exonerating yourself while putting pressure on the offending party. What have we learned time and time again about trying to control someone's actions or attitudes during an affair? Nothing is cast in stone, but IMO, taking any action against the cheater is a sure lose-lose. Except for stepping back and letting go. That's the proven way to defuse. OP, I know you love her but the more you try to interfere or intervene, the less chance you have of saving the marriage. That is, if you want to save it. Given enough time and looking back, you may no longer want marriage with someone who has looked elsewhere for gratification or intimacy. My advice? Cool down, gather your thoughts and don't talk to her about the relationship. At all. Let her go. If she wavers, you may want to reconsider. If she doesn't, then there is nothing you could have done. Strive for happiness. Love yourself. Don't settle for living with pain. Don't. Link to post Share on other sites
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