wife having lesbian affair

[fenderstrathss]

It's pretty simple.

 

If you want her affair to continue: don't expose it

 

If you want to affair to end almost immediately: expose it

 

These people who keep saying, "don't expose it, it accomplishes nothing", are wrong. It accomplishes the extinction of a behavior that shouldn't have been happening in the first place. You're not stooping to her level at all, you're correcting a bad behavior. Will this guarantee that the marriage will work out? No, but at least it ends the reason the marriage is in jeopardy. Some might tell you that this is an act of revenge or is disrespectful to her, but you do not owe any person respect that clearly has none for you. As far as revenge goes, outing her actions to family and friends may seem like stooping low, but it will feel damn good, no matter what morally objectionable reasons people may cite against it. It's easy for people to take a moral high ground when they are looking from the outside. Whether the marriage works out or not, just ending the relationship is not enough of a consequence for this woman's behavior. In fact, in her current state of mind, it isn't a consequence at all, as evidenced by her lack of empathy toward you. I say expose it and show her what real consequences are.

[fenderstrathss]

Also wanted to say that these people who are basically telling you to just back off and let her do her own thing, without putting up any kind of objection or initiating consequences, are pathetic. This is the same thought pattern as telling a child not to stand up to a bully at school. Be a man, get angry, create consequences, and stand up for yourself. Giving up and letting her do what she wants to do does not repair self esteem. I'm not saying you should do anything that would land you in jail, but there is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself. If your child was misbehaving, would you just walk away and let them continue misbehaving, or would you correct them? Your wife is behaving like a selfish child. Correct her by making her accountable to her family and friends.

[stillafool]

I'm not saying you should do anything that would land you in jail, but there is nothing wrong with standing up for yourself. If your child was misbehaving, would you just walk away and let them continue misbehaving, or would you correct them? Your wife is behaving like a selfish child. Correct her by making her accountable to her family and friends.

 

How does he stand up for himself? If his wife wants to have sex with women and he is a man how is he to counteract that? I agree that you can't make a person stay if they don't want to nor can you make them stop seeing, desiring the other person. The only thing you can do is to step back and take care of yourself.

[stillafool]

I do not believe she is gay. I think we were in a bad time in our marriage and she became infatuated with a manipulative, charismatic woman. but no amount of me saying that will make her realize it.

 

 

Well if she isn't gay why fall for a "manipulative, charismatic woman" when there are plenty of men she could have gotten involved with? I don't think anyone can make you have a homosexual relationship simply by being manipulative or charismatic unless the desire was already there. This situation is much different than if your wife were in an affair with another man.

[Chi townD]

She's afraid that you'll out her to the world? Well, it is what it is! Either you're gay or not. This isn't your fault no matter what she's telling you. What exactly is she expecting you to say to people when they asked what happened with your marriage? "Oh we just didn't work out"?

 

Here's the deal. She's involved in something that's exciting, forbidden and taboo. You need to expose the affair. That will burst that bubble and snap reality in the picture.

[reboot]

I can't speak for where you live, but where I live, if you expose her, you'll get your kids. That's a good enough reason right there.

[Steadfast]

It's pretty simple.

 

If you want her affair to continue: don't expose it

 

If you want to affair to end almost immediately: expose it

 

These people who keep saying, "don't expose it, it accomplishes nothing", are wrong.

 

Speaking personally, I never said exposure accomplishes nothing. In my experience, what it accomplishes is worthless because the damage is already done. It's worthless because in the long run, doing that rectifies nothing, except exerting the last ounce of punishment or grasping at the last thread of control. Bottom line and IMO it's a waste of time and energy.

 

As far as revenge goes, outing her actions to family and friends may seem like stooping low, but it will feel damn good,

Says you.

 

For those of us a few years out, this advice is given after looking back and noting what worked. And what didn't. For those who consider 'feeling good' the most important thing, then it's game on. But again, it is my experience and my opinion that taking the high road quickens healing and restores self esteem more completely. People should and will do what seems right at the time, but again, IMO, the fewer negative consequences after separation or divorce the better. The betrayed suffers plenty. Why add more?

[fltc]

There's no possible way you can NOT expose her, whether you want to or not. Your marriage is over, she no longer loves you, her affections now belong to someone else so you need to divorce and each seek happiness apart.

 

You'll be asked, "What happened" by family, friends and the court system, your answer will be, "She found someone else, she wants to be with xxx."

 

Everyone will know sooner or later and some (including your kids) probably already know.