Shamed 4 life Posted May 16, 2004 Share Posted May 16, 2004 I come to you all because nobody knows me and will not make a personal judgment. This happened at a school where I had gone for training... About a year ago, I was "raped". I was 20 at the time. I put this in quotes because that's how everyone treated it as. It was by a guy I knew and had sex with 1 time before. The only reason why I'd done it was because once we had begun, I was scared to back out, so I continued. After that night, I never wanted to do it again. A few weeks later, we all went out to a club. I had drank way too much, so Id given my keys to the same guy to hold. I remember him dropping me off in my room, me changing, and going to sleep. The next thing I remember is him on top of me having sex with me. He kept telling me to wake up.... that he couldn't do it alone. I was so freaked out because I don't remember how we were at that point. I pretended to fall back asleep, thinking he would stop and leave. He kept humping until he had to cum. I heard him get up, go the bathroom, then he got dressed, covered me up with a blanket and left. (during this time I was half in a daze) I then woke up fully to the slam of my front door. There was blood everywhere, (I was on my period) and I was scared. Everything after that night went to hell. He was arrested for rape, because it was unconsented. I had no support from my friends at the school or classmates. They all stopped talking to me and avoided me. They all felt that is was my own fault for drinking too much and that he wouldn't do that. Even the investigators didn't believe me. They said that there were many females who call "rape" when they feel they will get in trouble for cheating in relationships and to cover their ass. I was hypnotized to recall the events, and not much could be recalled. The charged wee dropped, he continued school, and I was treated horribly from classmates and instructors. After I graduated, I was glad to leave th school. But still, now, one year later, I cant get over the whole ordeal. That night that I shouldn't have given him my keys.... I shouldn't have drank.... I just live in regret and shame. My fiancee is one that stuck with me the whole time, and doenst know that I still hurt from this. What should I do? I'm afraid that a counselor wont believe me either. Everyone blamed me for what happened... so I now blame myself. Only my best friends and fiancee believed me. I am so ashamed that my parents know NOTHING of this. What can I do to get over this? I have already passed the suicidal stage and depression stage... but this still lingers in my head..... Sorry this was so long.... Link to post Share on other sites
yes Posted May 16, 2004 Share Posted May 16, 2004 I think seeing a counsellor abt this is the very best thing to do. If s/he doesn't believe you, s/he is completely unprofessional, so try another one. I personally think that this was both your and the guy's fault. You had no business getting so drunk and giving him your keys. He had no business having sex w/ you while you were drunk/asleep. The fact that you had already had sex certainly makes it look less like a rape, you have to realize that. So, given the complexity of the situation and of the consequences, i think it's impossible to get help from anyone but a qualified psychotherapist. But, I don't think it's something to be ashamed of - **** happens! Everybody has smth to hide Best of luck! -yes Link to post Share on other sites
moimeme Posted May 16, 2004 Share Posted May 16, 2004 The fact is that if you truly don't remember what happened, it is possible you were conscious at the time and gave what he might have thought was consent because you were drunk but then you lost memory when you lost consciousness. There is no reason you should feel 'to blame' for the sex because you know you didn't want it and ended up having it anyway. I hope you did take a lesson about drinking away from it in that you've sworn to yourself to never allow yourself to drink that much, but that's just common sense, and something every person needs to remember. You didn't get into a car and kill someone, thank heavens. What you did do was to make a poor judgement about how much you should drink. He should not have taken advantage of you in your drunken state, so morally that's rape whether or not it is legally so. You were not in a position to make informed decisions, so even if you had ripped off all your clothes and said 'give it to me, baby', he was a complete and total jerk for taking advantage. Absolutely see a therapist. Call your local Rape Crisis line for a referral - nobody there will blame you and nor should you. Link to post Share on other sites
allheart Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 [color=darkblue][font=times new roman]Dearest Shame.... I am sooooo sorry you had to endure this horrible ordeal. Bless your heart! Perhaps you didn't exercise good judgement in drinking so much, but hindsight is always 20/20. You have most likely learned a very valuable life lesson through this tragedy, but one you can use to help others in the long run. But remember this: You are in no way responsible, sweetie..."NO" means "NO" in every language. The sleepy/confused state you describe has me concerned (though) that this JERK may have used a 'date rape' drug on you, like Rohypnol---A trademark used for the drug flunitrazepam. Such drugs can cause memory loss and have been linked to numerous cases of date rape. Oftentimes 'club drugs' such as this can be tasteless, colorless, and odorless, therefore making it impossible to detect in a spiked drink. They can also cause dramatic changes in behavior---loss of judgement, memory, cognitive capacity, and other kinds of consequences that can adversely affect the acute functioning of an individual. You could check with the police department to see if there were other rapes reported around that same time, as it is not uncommon for several events to occur within the same time frame and they could be connected. Shame on your friends for not standing by you. But thank goodness your TRUE ones did. It's in times like these, we really find out who our friends are and who they aren't! I hope this JERK spent a good long time in jail! Try to put this behind you as you have so much living to do! You have now graduated and can do or be anything you want. I would like for you to consider eventually telling your parents, in your own time. They love you more than anyone in your life and they will provide you with the comfort and support you needed way back when. I know, as a mother, I would want to know if you were my daughter. OMG! I can't imagine her going through that virtually alone. So please consider it. I would also hope that you do seek out a qualified licensed counselor or social worker in your area. Look in the yellow pages, call your local mental health center, your local social work licensing board, or your local state health department for an appropriate referral. Any therapist worth their salt would not doubt your word for a second. If I may help in anyway, just send me an email. Please let me know how you are doing!!! Again, I am so sorry. No one should EVER have to go through what you did. I applaud your courage for reaching out for help. [/font][/color] Link to post Share on other sites
poohbear Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 I just want u to know that I know what you are going through....I was raped two years ago by someone I had class with...the only difference is I didn't tell anyone. I pretended like it never happened..in doing that I became very depressed and suicidal....I finally told someone in September of this year what had happened to me because since the incident I have a lot of problems being in relationships.....I have been seeing a therapist for the past couple of weeks and it is the best thing that has ever happened to me.....I have never felt better about myself as a person...I know what u are going through and people who treat you like that are not your friends...I am here if you need someone to talk to....I feel that the best thing u can do is to seek the help from a counselor...believe me they are not there to judge they are there to help you become a whole person again.... Link to post Share on other sites
allheart Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 [color=darkblue][font=times new roman]poohbear...I am soooo sorry for what happened to you. I am proud of you for seeking therapy and am so glad to hear it is a positive experience for you. Perhaps your story will help shamed and she (too) will seek professional help. You are very brave to reach out for the help you need and also by posting here. Thank you so much. God Bless You!!![/font][/color] Link to post Share on other sites
sarah436 Posted May 31, 2004 Share Posted May 31, 2004 I completely understand what you are going through. Two years ago I was having a rough time with my family. There was a guy across the street from us who was a cop. He was close to my parents and he was like second father to me. Some people told me he was bad news but he was always so nice to me and always around like family. One night after a pretty bad argument with my parents I went for a walk and he pulled up beside me. I told him what was going on and I went to his house to watch a movie. I was 18 years old and obviously not thinking clearly. He left the room and called to me. Wanted to show me something cool. Once I entered the room he grabbed me by the arm and insisted I give him a hand job. I was crying and screaming. He told me if I didn' tdo it he would tell his girlfriend I had and she would "beat my a**" I tried to fight him but he was so strong. In the end he ended up taking care of himself while holding my arm with his other hand. It felt like eternity. I don't know why he didn't rape me. I was lucky. However I blamed myself for months. Why had I gone there? What had I done to make him think I wanted it. Blah blah. I didn't dare tell my parents because I feared they didn't believe me and if they did that they would blame me. I still had to see him almost everyday and he would try and talk to me like it never happened. Finally I met the love of my life and told him what had happened. Hearing him say it was not my fault prompted me to tell me parents. They got a restraining order and I have not seen him since. They were so upset I never told them and so was I. I know what happened to me was not as serious as an actual rape but the feeling of self blame, humiliation and fear are. No matter WHAT the circumstances there is never an excuse for someone to do anything to you that you don't want. The fact that he had your keys and you drank too much may have been a bad idea but it makes no difference. Please know that you are not at all at blame. I hope things are going better for you and I hope you relize what happened was in no way your fault. Link to post Share on other sites
shortbus74 Posted May 31, 2004 Share Posted May 31, 2004 Ladies.... Please do not blame yourself for some jerk off that you trusted!! It is not your fault..... You each decided to trust in someone and that person twisted it to meet his own needs... Link to post Share on other sites
gypsy_siren Posted June 6, 2004 Share Posted June 6, 2004 I didn't see anyone else mention this, so I thought I would .. have you talked to RAINN (the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network) They operate a toll-free rape crisis line ... the number is 1 (800) 656-HOPE .. or you can visit their website at http://www.rainn.org *big hugs* Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts