Closure! Would love your thoughts and .

[debonair]

Hi there,

This is my first time posting on LoveShack. It seems like everyone here is caring and supportive - which is exactly what I need at this climactic time.

I need to share a short story and ask for your feedback and thoughts.

I met this girl, mid 2009. I fell madly in love with her after a short while. We started out as friends and we saw each other anywhere between 3-5 days a week. We were not officially dating or a couple. After a couple of months, she told me that she'd been thinking of kissing me and that she wanted to kiss me. We ended up kissing. A couple of days later, we met up to discuss what had happened. She told me that she "loved me as a friend". I gave her some space and she sent me an e-mail saying that she missed me and that she felt that we had something special and that she didn't want to close the door to a future relationship...but for the meantime, she wants to be friends. So we continued our friendship. I still had feelings for her. It was hard not to. Everytime we'd get closer and more intimate she would push me away and say that we can only be friends. Fast forward to December, 2010. I was going away on a short 5-day vacation. I told her and she told me that she had to see me before I left. We ended up sleeping together and I had to leave for a 6am flight. I was devastated that I had to leave her. We texted and called each other during my trip. She later said that she didn't want a relationship with me and that she wanted to be just friends. When I got back, I don't know how it happened but we slept together again. It was the most amazing night of my life..until...Early in the morning, she told me that she wanted to leave because she didn't feel it was right and she just wanted to be friends. She told me she was ashamed of herself. Anyway, we went back to being friends after a heated discussion on where things would go between us. Two days later she would hold my hand and touch me as if we were together. Then she left for a vacation over New Years Eve. She came back and we went back to being friends. We struggled being friends..we faught a lot and she'd tell me that she needed to distance herself and the next day she'd call me. One day I had a panic attack and I admitted myself to a mental health clinic as I was suffering with anxiety. I ended up staying there for 3 weeks. She never knew where I was and no one told her. I missed her so much and thought of her everyday. She sent me countless e-mails and text messages meanwhile and after a short while, I asked my sister to call her and let her know where I was. She quickly sent me a whole baggage of gifts. I left hospital and we resumed our friendship. A month later, I needed a vacation..so I went away for 10 days. When I got back, she told me that she had met someone and that they had started to date. It broke my heart. Soon after was my birthday and that was the last day I saw her. We stayed in touch for a few months...but I tried to distance myself. She kept texting me saying that she though about me and that she wanted to see me. Anyway, after a short while I impulsively decided to defriend her on facebook, wipe her cell phone number and all the texts and photographs I had of her and I. I went no contact. This was very hard to do as I missed her very much.

I had to move on in my life, so I thought. Ever since then (a year has gone by)...it's been so difficult. I don't know if I got my closure. I think of her everyday and there are constant reminders wherever I go. I've found it hard to focus. I had to get therapy. It helped in the short term. But I still struggle. A few months ago, I saw a pic of her and her boyfriend on facebook. I had another panic attack. This whole thing is haunting me and I don't know how to move on. I've been grieving the loss of her for such a long time and it hurts so much. Today, I found out (on facebook) that she just got engaged (to the same guy). On one hand, I felt happy for her...but on the other, I felt like I was dying inside. Everyone says that time heals...but it isn't healing. My friend suggested I meet up with her and give her a letter I've written..thus to get closure. I don't know if she still cares enough about me for me to try and either resolve things and get my closure, as she's moved on, plus I've cut her from my life - why would she want to see me again? She was my best friend for almost a year, maybe she will understand. I really want to move on. I don't know how. What do I do?? (I've never been in this situation) So, that's my short story. Thank you so much for taking the time to read it. If you would like to share your feedback and help me with coping ideas and give me your advice, I would really appreciate it.

[Buttercup84]

I'm so sorry for what happened , you sound like such a sweet guy . She knew you loved her , yet she only thought of herself there . She wanted both worlds . To be single but also enjoy the perks of a relationship .

 

I was a bit like that with my ex at first . I has no experience with relationships and wasn't so sure about my feelings . But I did fall madly in live with him

. Sadly when people say they do not want a relationship , just a friendship they just don't want a relationship with you .

 

There is nothing wrong with you . She took advantage of you and that was so wrong . Not cool .

 

*hugs*

 

I know what it is like to get panic attacks too . Please stop looking at her profile xx