Haunted by Fears about Social Class

[Buachaille Etive Mor]

Dear All,

 

This may be strange to many of you who are not English, but I hope you can help.

 

I'm 31, from the UK and due to a job offer, have recently moved to a new city after years of living in London.

 

I have settled into a new job with plaudits about my performance and have managed to make a few friends since I've been here, but am single and would like to get to meet someone. However, I find I'm being held back because of people here seem to be much more sporty, well dressed and affluent (many speaking with posh, private school accents) than anywhere I have seen before, even London strangely enough. It seems that everyone is almost middle class gentry here.

 

It makes me feel really self-conscious in that I have only just moved here and am beginning to find my feet in terms of my career and my interests.

 

As an example, I was invited to and went to the horse races last week, and I found being surrounded by the people in smart suits and designer handbags and hats, quaffing champagne, with the kind of suave confidence that only an elite private school upbringing gives being quite intimidating and humbling.

 

I came from a traditional working class, background in the North of England, of traditional Socialist roots, where social class is still very important and decide outcomes in life to a degree, and people of higher wealth, status and background don't want to mix with people of my background. It isn't a money thing really - social class covers education, family connections, interests, behaviours, fashion, social networks.

 

In a sense, while I have done alright with my life, I have this private, demotivating fear that because of my humble roots, modest looks, working class Northern English accent, non-elite/Oxbridge education etc., lack of family/business connections and social capital, I could struggle in jobs, business opportunities and especially dating. It gets me down and demotivated sometimes, since it seems pointless to improve yourself if you can't convince people you have the "right" background.

 

I suspect that many of these ideas have no real grounding and I have psyched myself out, but I cannot get over them, and lost my confidence as a result. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Edited October 10, 2011 by Buachaille Etive Mor

[antinko]

I'm from the UK, 26, did 'ok' at school, went to an 'ok' university...but came out with First Class honours and then had friend who attended Oxford and Cambridge claiming their degrees (same field) were better even though all but one had 2.1s. The exception to the 2.1s was, in fact, a guy who came out of Cambridge with a First.

 

Interestingly, despite having gone to a 'lesser' university, my subject knowledge and overall competence in my field puts those other guys to shame and they acknowledge it. Interestingly, I was the first out of all my friends to secure a job too and now I'm the only one pursuing further study part time (ironically at Oxford). I had, during my time at university, kicked my arse into gear, but the point is that the institution counted for very little. University is what you make it basically.

 

Furthermore, I'm not from a privileged background and my parents never pushed me either. I just made my mind up one day when I was 19 that I couldn't 'settle' for what I considered to be mediocrity. Basically, background counts for little: what's important is who you decide to be.

Edited October 10, 2011 by antinko

[Ellinas]

At some point of my life I got too high in my career that find myself within people of so called Elite Class. It was not UK, where this situation is even worse.

Probably, your parents are normal people who tried to give you good education and make you a good person.

One thing they could never give you is a belonging to the Elite Class with very "old money", some "shiny rules and traditions".You can not buy it for any money in the World.

In some countries like the USA your fat Bank Account can open many doors, but not in the UK. These kids from the Eaton College or Oxfridge (like you call these 2 Universities) try to stay aside from the society and never mix with the average people. This is their "Code of Ethic". Their "old money" can be "married" only with somebody who belongs to the same society, however, they can be tolerant to the people from another layers of social life, so...

Try to accept it like normal situation. You can do nothing with this. You can not change the mentality of these people. They do not pretend for any piece of your social life and do not want to allow anybody to get into their life.

You can live your life and do not care about them at all.

If it harms you some way, leave this job and go back to the place where all layers of society are mixed and nobody cares about your roots, depth of your wallet or color of your skin. I guess London is not the worst place on the planet to live in and over there you can forget about existing Elite Society with private schools and Universities having tuition fees over $10K annually.

It is a life and these people try to stay away from the crowd and live their life. Who cares?

Edited October 10, 2011 by Ellinas

[Forever Learning]

Dear All,

 

This may be strange to many of you who are not English, but I hope you can help.

 

I'm 31, from the UK and due to a job offer, have recently moved to a new city after years of living in London.

 

I have settled into a new job with plaudits about my performance and have managed to make a few friends since I've been here, but am single and would like to get to meet someone. However, I find I'm being held back because of people here seem to be much more sporty, well dressed and affluent (many speaking with posh, private school accents) than anywhere I have seen before, even London strangely enough. It seems that everyone is almost middle class gentry here.

 

It makes me feel really self-conscious in that I have only just moved here and am beginning to find my feet in terms of my career and my interests.

 

As an example, I was invited to and went to the horse races last week, and I found being surrounded by the people in smart suits and designer handbags and hats, quaffing champagne, with the kind of suave confidence that only an elite private school upbringing gives being quite intimidating and humbling.

 

I came from a traditional working class, background in the North of England, of traditional Socialist roots, where social class is still very important and decide outcomes in life to a degree, and people of higher wealth, status and background don't want to mix with people of my background. It isn't a money thing really - social class covers education, family connections, interests, behaviours, fashion, social networks.

 

In a sense, while I have done alright with my life, I have this private, demotivating fear that because of my humble roots, modest looks, working class Northern English accent, non-elite/Oxbridge education etc., lack of family/business connections and social capital, I could struggle in jobs, business opportunities and especially dating. It gets me down and demotivated sometimes, since it seems pointless to improve yourself if you can't convince people you have the "right" background.

 

I suspect that many of these ideas have no real grounding and I have psyched myself out, but I cannot get over them, and lost my confidence as a result. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

Well having cancer did wonders for me in getting a better perspective in life on what is truly important. But I sure don't wish cancer on you!

 

I hope one way or another you will get past the orientation of focusing on material and superficial things in life and learn to look deeper into the things that will truly satisify you. I am not throwing stones in that statement.

 

I am just trying to say, don't let these type materialistic/shallow people change who you are. Continue to be yourself, you are splendid as you are.

 

If you can shake off the desire to impress these folks, and simply see them as they are (elitist and superficial), you won't want to become as they are.

 

And given time and opportunity, surely you will find someone more like yourself you can admire who carries their riches on the insde rather than made of flash and pomp on the outside and empty within. Don't reconfigure to please this new crowd. Be yourself and find fine folks like yourself to spend time to befriend and form friendships with. Good luck.

[Eve]

Dear All,

 

This may be strange to many of you who are not English, but I hope you can help.

 

I'm 31, from the UK and due to a job offer, have recently moved to a new city after years of living in London.

 

I have settled into a new job with plaudits about my performance and have managed to make a few friends since I've been here, but am single and would like to get to meet someone. However, I find I'm being held back because of people here seem to be much more sporty, well dressed and affluent (many speaking with posh, private school accents) than anywhere I have seen before, even London strangely enough. It seems that everyone is almost middle class gentry here.

 

It makes me feel really self-conscious in that I have only just moved here and am beginning to find my feet in terms of my career and my interests.

 

As an example, I was invited to and went to the horse races last week, and I found being surrounded by the people in smart suits and designer handbags and hats, quaffing champagne, with the kind of suave confidence that only an elite private school upbringing gives being quite intimidating and humbling.

 

I came from a traditional working class, background in the North of England, of traditional Socialist roots, where social class is still very important and decide outcomes in life to a degree, and people of higher wealth, status and background don't want to mix with people of my background. It isn't a money thing really - social class covers education, family connections, interests, behaviours, fashion, social networks.

 

In a sense, while I have done alright with my life, I have this private, demotivating fear that because of my humble roots, modest looks, working class Northern English accent, non-elite/Oxbridge education etc., lack of family/business connections and social capital, I could struggle in jobs, business opportunities and especially dating. It gets me down and demotivated sometimes, since it seems pointless to improve yourself if you can't convince people you have the "right" background.

 

I suspect that many of these ideas have no real grounding and I have psyched myself out, but I cannot get over them, and lost my confidence as a result. Any help would be greatly appreciated.

 

Maybe you are just a bit sensitive to new surroundings at the moment?

 

Be true to yourself. Half the time people are feeling the same. Some hide it better.

 

Anyhow, northern men are the best.

 

In time you will learn how to navigate different circles, just don't become pretentious!

 

Take care,

Eve x

[denise_xo]

I totally empathize, I've been in similar situations. My experience is that some of the anxiety ceases when you gradually get to know all their faults (not that they have more than others, but they're just normal people after all), and partially when you get to know and can play the social codes a bit better.

 

Just keep pursuing your interests and be true to yourself, and try not to let it get you down. Good luck

[spiderowl]

Being rich, looking good, having the right accent and being used to special events doesn't make a person nice. Instead of looking at these people are more successful in some way and possibly looking down on you, imagine you don't know they have money, they don't look attractive and you are all just somewhere pleasant having a picnic. How would your view of them change? I'm probably not explaining this very well but try deciding what people matter to you on the basis of whether they are good souls or not, rather than outward appearances and accents. Cultivate the nice people; the rest are pretty irrelevant. Once you see that you are the one filtering them, rather than the other way round, things will look a bit different.

[thatone]

At some point of my life I got too high in my career that find myself within people of so called Elite Class. It was not UK, where this situation is even worse.

Probably, your parents are normal people who tried to give you good education and make you a good person.

One thing they could never give you is a belonging to the Elite Class with very "old money", some "shiny rules and traditions".You can not buy it for any money in the World.

In some countries like the USA your fat Bank Account can open many doors, but not in the UK. These kids from the Eaton College or Oxfridge (like you call these 2 Universities) try to stay aside from the society and never mix with the average people. This is their "Code of Ethic". Their "old money" can be "married" only with somebody who belongs to the same society, however, they can be tolerant to the people from another layers of social life, so...

Try to accept it like normal situation. You can do nothing with this. You can not change the mentality of these people. They do not pretend for any piece of your social life and do not want to allow anybody to get into their life.

You can live your life and do not care about them at all.

If it harms you some way, leave this job and go back to the place where all layers of society are mixed and nobody cares about your roots, depth of your wallet or color of your skin. I guess London is not the worst place on the planet to live in and over there you can forget about existing Elite Society with private schools and Universities having tuition fees over $10K annually.

It is a life and these people try to stay away from the crowd and live their life. Who cares?

 

actually the US has its share of people like this. and it isn't about money, it's about confidence via exclusion.

 

poor people do it just as well as wealthy people. look at the redneck types from the US who must drive a truck as their everyday vehicle, and musn't wear anything that doesn't involve blue jeans, and must criticize anyone who does anything different from them. they're no different from the blue blood types you're talking about.

 

what's the answer? honestly? get what you can from the job and leave. as ellinas is saying you can't change them. there's no point in playing a game you are unable to win.

 

and next time consider the culture of the place you will live before accepting a job there.

 

lack of confidence because of your social status will manifest itself in your work too if it hasn't already, so you will suffer not just in your social life, but in your work as well, because you have to negotiate with these people. if you assume yourself to be lesser than them, they'll take advantage of you, rather than you taking advantage of them.

 

i can sympathize. everyone i deal with in my professional life has at least an undergrad degree, most have graduate degrees from prestigious universities, while i dropped out of a state school and chose the hard way. but the bottom line is i have something they want so what the paper on their wall says doesn't mean anything. they can pay me and get what they want, or not and i'll go on to the next taker, but i don't lose any sleep over comparing myself to them.

Edited October 13, 2011 by thatone