Bruised Not Broken Posted October 10, 2011 Share Posted October 10, 2011 So much for my serenity. This weekend was okay. But, I failed at the NC...Guess I felt so good I got a little cocky and figured it was okay to keep talking to him. I now see the stupidity in that line of thinking. He told me he loved me adn would always love me and cared about me and always would and I have so much to offer the right guy...and he hopes I find that. (after telling me what whore I am last week). Despite all the things wrong with our relationship I wanted him to be that "right guy" I can't make him who he isn't...but I guess knowing it's so easy for him to move on from me hurts when it's so hard for me. He is nice I"m sad...he is mean I'm sad. I'm beginning to see (again) that No Contact we ever have will ever be GOOD contact and that truly No Contact is the only way to go. But I HATE THAT. I feel like I'm just giving in...giving up and losing. Days like today I want to just drive and drive and drive and never come back. Start over...unfortunately I don't have that luxury. The grass is looking greener on the side of the fence he is on...and he won't let me come to that side. WHY is it so hard to remember that he LIED and CHEATED and ADMITTED HE WANTED TO HAVE NEW SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH PEOPLE OTHER THAN ME. WHY do I only see the "good" and forget the bad...and then hurt that it's gone? I'm really NOT that stupid of a person. I truly loved him unconditionally...his flaws and all...and letting go is so hard sometimes. I know I need to love ME unconditionally...but today it's jut a little harder than others. Link to post Share on other sites
BrettLost Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Hello BNB, At first I thought you were relating to some form of bipolar or anxiety. Pushing on through this does seem like a bipolar affair sometimes. Like u mentioned, stick with NC- heightened self-esteem, focus on self, feel like world is great and there for the taking to be enjoyed. Your ex did u a huge favour, ur free to wallow in it however u please. Lovely place. Breaking NC- remember the hell you are trying to escape/forget, people as a species become cold and manipulative, ex's world is bright, fun and progressing- you just keep sinking. Life becomes just a struggle to survive. It can become SOOOO hard to love yourself, when you know (think u know) life over the fence is smooth and fufilling without you in it , or so it seems. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Bruised Not Broken Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 Hello BNB, At first I thought you were relating to some form of bipolar or anxiety. Pushing on through this does seem like a bipolar affair sometimes. Like u mentioned, stick with NC- heightened self-esteem, focus on self, feel like world is great and there for the taking to be enjoyed. Your ex did u a huge favour, ur free to wallow in it however u please. Lovely place. Breaking NC- remember the hell you are trying to escape/forget, people as a species become cold and manipulative, ex's world is bright, fun and progressing- you just keep sinking. Life becomes just a struggle to survive. It can become SOOOO hard to love yourself, when you know (think u know) life over the fence is smooth and fufilling without you in it , or so it seems. I do feel bi polar sometimes...have likened it to being the 3 faces of Eve. And you are even MORE right that people are manipulative. Ex tells me yesterday that we need to stop communicating so I can move on. First time he has ever said we needed to stop talking. And he basically said goodbye. I just figured there was no need for me to respond. What else can be said. A) he is right and B) it just continues the cycle. Six hours later I get an email from him...forwarding some paperwork I had said i would help him with months ago..."not sure if you will still help" ????? Seriously??? How is that stopping contact? This entire thing seriuosly is starting to take a physical toll on me. I am getting headaches from the stress and anxiety. I have my jaw clenched so tight I could probably bite through a steel bar. It's just not healthy for me...mentally OR physically. Deep Breaths...and smile...eventually it will be genuine...I hope Link to post Share on other sites
Thieves Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Hey B'N'B! I'm sorry that you're feeling down again, it feels like a constant rollercoaster sometimes, doesn't it? I think what might help you is to stop thinking of the break up in terms of who has the upper hand. I think this is really what messes some people up. They feel like they've been dumped and left behind and feel pathetic, while the dumper has the upper hand and is superior and in control. When really, that's not true, only if you let it be. After a break up, you have to learn how to separate your self-worth from the dumper as much as you can. Because if you don't, you're only allowing them to control you and your progress when they don't deserve that power over you at all. And don't feel like NC is you giving up or giving in. Think of it as you starting a new chapter and closing an old one. And sometimes, knowing when it's time to give up is the right thing to do. Just like a person in an abusive relationship should know when to give up and stop trying to 'fix' the abuser if it's not worth it anymore. You have to look out for yourself, too. Also, don't worry that your serenity hasn't lasted. Just because you find yourself in a 'rut' right now doesn't cancel out all the good feelings you've had. It doesn't mean you're regressing at all either, just that you're still going through the motions after the break-up - which is natural. The good part is that you experienced serenity at all, so you got a taste of what will finally come your way for good when you're healed. At least now you know you're capable of feeling alright and that the pain doesn't always last forever. Link to post Share on other sites
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