sierra104 Posted May 16, 2004 Share Posted May 16, 2004 Thanks for taking the time to read my message, I really need some outside advice. Ok, I have been with my b/f for 4 years. He doesn't beat me or anything like that so I guess you could say he treats me well. I just don't feel ANY sort of attraction to him anymore. This has been going on for at least the last 6 months. He is never there emotionally for me. No 'I love you', hugs,kisses... he even refuses to hold my hand. He just doesn't make me feel like a woman. He is ignorant to my feelings and thinks it's "his way or the highway". He even has a polaroid of him and a stripper up at his work station instead of a picture of me. I feel that is really disrespectful to me but he refuses to move it.He takes off with his guy friends and doesn't call and that is ok, but when I go out he expects me to call and check in. I just can't handle being tied down with him anymore. I want to go places and do things, he would rather sit on the couch and be lazy. I haven't been sexual with him since at least January. He gets p@$@ed off and is a jerk to me when he doesn't get it. I told him that If you want to be treated like a man than treat me like a lady because then I would want to do it. He thinks I am being ridiculous and ignores me when he doesn't get it. Now, here's the problem. I have had a very strong attraction to another man for a good 2 years now. I have always refrained myself and never acted on my feelings. Until recently that is. About 6 weeks ago we were together for business reasons and we got intimate. No sex just kissing and holding eachother.... the things I never get at home. It feels so good to be with him, I feel like a queen. So, anyways, over the last few weeks we have been seeing eachother at least once a week. This isn't a sexual based affair as I am sure you are thinking by now. The more I get to know this O/M, the closer I get to him. I have even wished I could go back in time 4 years and never have gotten into this 4 yr relationship to begin with. When I am with my b/f all I can think about is this O/M. I feel so confused. How can one person feel so many emotions at once? I am scared to leave my b/f as I have been living with him for 2 yrs and am safe and secure here. But I can't go on in this relationship when I now know that we aren't meant to be together for life. He's just not the ONE. I really do love him, but we should have just been friends. TO complicate the matter, I work with my b/f and I don't know if he would purposly put my job in jeopardy if I left him. I just don't know where to turn anymore. I wish I could hop on a plane and fly somewhere to start a new life without my b/f knowing where I went. It hurts me when I look at my b/f now, I can see the hurt in his eyes. I think he deep down knows but is in denial. I feel terrible having to hurt someone that hasn't really done anything to hurt me.... Now, I am fully aware that this O/M might not be the 'one' either but he sure is a lot closer than my b/f. He has all the same passions, goals, and interests as me.But even if it doesn't, at least it is helping me to get the courage to do something about this dead end relationship I'm in. There is only so long I can keep giving in a relationship and not get anything back. I have come to my limits. Somebody please give me advice or just there opinion on this mess. I am just so sick and tired of trying to 'fix' the relationship with my b/f without his co-operation.....any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, Sierra Link to post Share on other sites
Neo Posted May 16, 2004 Share Posted May 16, 2004 To me it sounds like you need to have a talk with your boyfriend. Tell him how you feel, and if he doesn't take your thoughts seriously then I would suggest breakup. Link to post Share on other sites
Fritz Posted May 16, 2004 Share Posted May 16, 2004 Originally posted by Neo To me it sounds like you need to have a talk with your boyfriend. Tell him how you feel, and if he doesn't take your thoughts seriously then I would suggest breakup. I agree, neither of you sound very happy. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused123 Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 I can totally relate to your situsation, especially your feelings about your current boyfriend. I was mine for five years, we were engaged to be married and I borke it off about a year ago with him. He had many of the same traits as your current boyfriends. I completely my sexual desire for him, it was a continious battle between the two of us, he was never satifed and I never gave a crap. Actually, I begin to think that I didn't even care for sex anymore. Well, sweetheart, I suggest to take this four year relationship and learn a good lesson for it, just like I did. GET OUT OF IT.... He is clearly not the man for you. I am not sure how old you are, I am 26. I spent five years of my life with a man that didn't realize what a catch he had. Leaving him and breaking off the wedding was the hardest thing I every had to do. However, it made me stronger then ever. It made me realize that life is not always what you tihnk it is. That it doesn't turn out the way you have it so set in your mind. I suggest you find yourself a new job and once you have ended things with your current boyfriend, try out this new guy. However, I don't reccommend cheating, it is just going to compilcate your emotions right now. Take it one step at a time. Get yourself out of this relationship, that makes you feel lifeless. I have to admit, leaving was damm hard, but once I was out, god what a feeling a freedom. I had my whole life ahead of me and nothing was being dictated by that a**h*** anymore. So, I guess I just wanted to tell you that I know how it feels, I know that uncertainty to very scary, but it will make you a stronger person belive me. You will learn to put up with less bull****, once you come out of this... The first thing to do is admit to yourself, that this is not what you want. He told me I would never meet anyone as good as him, he said I would be nothing without him. Well, he wa sVERY wrong, I have meant a wonderful man and I am so much more in love then I ever was with him.. So, please do yourself a favor and end this relationship and start new, you will find it will be the best decision of your life, at least it was for me.... Link to post Share on other sites
echoparkdude Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 I feel so confused. How can one person feel so many emotions at once? I am scared to leave my b/f as I have been living with him for 2 yrs and am safe and secure here. But I can't go on in this relationship when I now know that we aren't meant to be together for life. He's just not the ONE. I really do love him, but we should have just been friends. TO complicate the matter, I work with my b/f and I don't know if he would purposly put my job in jeopardy if I left him. I just don't know where to turn anymore. I wish I could hop on a plane and fly somewhere to start a new life without my b/f knowing where I went. I think you got some things to figure out for yourself. First of all, are you feeling this for the other guy because you're not getting it from your b/f? I think it's not fair for the other guy if you're using him as a substitute [rebound effect] . Secondly, should you try to salvage your current relationship? It's been bad for the past 6 months but it was good once right? You should definitely talk it out with your current b/f and tell him what's up. Maybe he feels the same thing but he's afraid to talk about it. Speaking from personal experience, it would be extremely bad breakup if you just leave. Take some time alone, that's my advice. Reflect on what you want and then go back to your dream guy if you still think he is the dream guy after that. Link to post Share on other sites
hurtingandconfused Posted May 17, 2004 Share Posted May 17, 2004 What kind of women are you?? You are in a relationship with your current b/f for 4 years and you cheat on him? It shows how much you "love him" and "care for him." If you started to build feeling "for a good 2 years now" you should have broken up with your b/f. The reason why your b/f is so distant is because there is no communication. Don't blame it all on him. A relationship is a 50/50 thing. Link to post Share on other sites
Aire Posted May 18, 2004 Share Posted May 18, 2004 Hi Serria, It sounds like it is time to move on. Don't regret the relationship you are in right now or feel like you have wasted time. It's from these relationship that we learn what we want in life. It will be hard of course to make the break but you will feel much happier when you do. Don't cheat though...wait until you break up with your b/f before you get sexually involved with this other guy. You will feel better about yourself if you do it this way. A relationship is about happiness and totally respecting the person you are with and him you, trusting. There is so much that you are missing out on. Your happiness is number one. You have to take care of you first. Be strong, be independent. The hardest thing I see in all this is your job. I guess the best thing to do is to start looking for something new there too. Look before you quit though. Link to post Share on other sites
StrugglinginGA Posted May 19, 2004 Share Posted May 19, 2004 I just want to be honest here, you make me mad! well, this situation anyway. I feel like he had every right to know your feelings.... these feelings 2 years ago. I feel like he shouldn't give his all because it's obvious that you haven't been completly in the relationship and he probably senses that! It makes me mad because you have lied and wasted 2 years of his life and it also makes me mad because you look at other ppl and see the potential, well, obviously it was probably WONDERFUL when you first got with him... every relationship goes through a "honeymoon" stage before you get into the real meat of what it takes to sustain a relationship. I feel like you're more concerned with that "butterfly" feeling of being in love than what it takes to make it work.. Lets get real, no one has a perfect relationship, and maybe you'll meet someone who you're truly in love with and you will ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after, but if you knew that it wasn't him, why were/are you so selfish to waste his time and emotions in this. Sometimes it's easier to see things whenever you're not the one in the situation... and it seems to me you have been so selfish and idealistic here... Sorry if that hurts, but it's the truth.... you owe someone the truth if you're standing there telling them you love them... that is YOUR responsibility... Link to post Share on other sites
sierra104 Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 StrugglinginGA, First of all, I respect your opinion. But it seems you are under the assumption that I have been just 'passing time' with him for the last 2 years. That is not the case at all! I have been working on this relationship, trying to salvage something....hoping it wouldn't have to end. I don't want to be wasting 4 years of my life just as I am sure he doesn't want to. I have been putting my all into this, giving in, settling for 'less' than what I wanted from a man and I have just come to the point where I have no more to give. This has not only drained me emotionally, but has depreciated my self-esteem. I am not looking to ride off in the sunset with a prince, I just want to be with someone that will love me and isn't afraid to show it. Is that too much to ask? You also say that 'it is easier to see things from the outside'. Yes, that is true, but it is also easier to 'judge' from the outside. I have posted this thread for advice. Not because I plan on sitting in an idle relationship just to waste my time. If it was as easy as you make it sound I would have been long gone. I am just concerned about what will happen when I do leave. Maybe a little afraid.... I don't ask for your pity either as I have brought this all on myself. I did not post this to be blasted or 'looked down upon'. I posted this to get insight on how to get out of this mess! It is kinda scary to pack up 4 years of your life and leave. Link to post Share on other sites
hurtingandconfused Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 I didn't see any of the signs when my ex broke up with me. When people with the same problem as you post I now see how she felt. It sucks, but I do not regret anything. I'm glad she broke up with me because now I have something to learn from. I understand where you are coming from and I honestly THINK you should break up with your b/f. First off you cheated on him, second you don't "love him." Looking back I now see where she was working on our relationship. I did very little to improve what she disliked. Oh well, **** happens. Good luck with your decision. You shouldn't be afraid because if you believe that your b/f is not the one then you will find the one. I am not looking to ride off in the sunset with a prince, I just want to be with someone that will love me and isn't afraid to show it. Sucks when you figure it out a little too late eh? Link to post Share on other sites
strugglinginGA Posted May 20, 2004 Share Posted May 20, 2004 I want you to know that I am not "judging" you, and trust me I know things are easier said than done. I do, however have a problem whenever people just lead someone on... and I'm not saying you didn't have the right intentions, but if you've had this feeling for this long (and I'm sure you wished it would go away or things would get better) I have been there, so I do understand that feeling... however I was open and did communicate that I was feeling that way.... I just feel like... eventhough it would have been difficult.... for both of you... in the end, the best thing would have been to go ahead and end the relationship.. so.. you want some advice.... it's inevitable. end it now.... what is prolonging this doing exactly? You're not in this relationship anymore... really.. are you? I mean, by this point you're just going through the motions. and trust me, he feels it... it won't be that big of a surprise to him.... and perhaps, he's been feeling the same way.. and ya'll have got in a rut... and just because of your comfort level with each other it has been difficult to leave... because eventhough you might not like what you have, you at least know what to expect from it... also, I was thinking about this situation tonight.. and realized something.. you've been with your boyfriend for 4 years and 2 years into the relationship, you became infatuated with another man and 2 years after that realized he wasn't what you wanted either. Just wondering if that has tended to be a pattern for you? Sometimes people, myself included, have behavior patterns... and maybe it's not... and maybe it is and you haven't thought about it. I'm not trying to judge you, but I do also feel the need to let you know that I think that what you have done so far haven't been the best choices for you or for him.... and I don't know you... so my advice may not mean anything.... I have just always felt a responsibilty to speak for the naive one... seeing as how I have been unfortunate enough to find myself holding the "short end of the stick" so to speak Link to post Share on other sites
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