ah lord, i need some perspective

[flusteredinluv]

here's the scoop-

 

i am 28, she is 29. i was with the missus for 6 years, most of them absolutely splendid-unarguably we'd both agree. we lived together, graduated from school with one another (hers grad, mine BA) and then moved to the city to test the waters for our own career capabilities and presumably to build a future together. so far so good.

 

after some stability, last year was horrible personally for me-i lost two jobs, was a victim of a violent crime and encountered serious financial trouble precipitated by the job loss, which (as you can imagine) caused a great deal of stress for us and me personally. this time truly shook my confidence in myself & fostered a financial dependence on her and an unbalanced relationship. we still managed to ride out the year the best we possibly could have.

 

come feb 2004, i moved away for most of this year (with much regret) to pursue an opportunity to finanacially bolster my future and gain some experience to take back home with me later in that year. things had gone as well as they can for the circumstances, and then about three weeks ago she said she wanted to have time off, which i obvioulsly had no choice but to aquiesce to.

 

first of all, "time off," i take to mean, is time off. could i be wrong about this? i hear conflicting stories about this from our mutual friends but i am not willing to ask her at this point...i don't really knows what happens after this. as hard as this is, i was (and still am) content to do this-after all i think i need this time to sort out my life, and i feel she needs to figure out what to do with her career/life/personal passions.

 

i think understand why this happened-i wouldn't be able to see her as it is being 1000+ miles away for 8 months, and life had been rough for us. there are a lot of unresolved issues between us because of the circumstances which we never got to tackle beyond, "i'll see you in eight months."

 

i guess i don't really know what to do from here-there are realizations about myself which have been illuminating, and i feel like (in many ways) my results while away from home are a barometer of worthiness and viability. so i'm looking for some perspective on this and just how to deal with this.

[flusteredinluv]

and just some minor details...

 

the money part isn't an issue as i've fully well paid her back now. we haven't spoken since, with the exception of two dry emails from her which have not dealt with the matter at hand. i sent her some cds about a week after she dropped the news to me-in the most recent emails she said that she was sending them back bc she wanted me to save my money for the move back. i had heard from a mutual friend of ours (prior to the email) that she was really confused by receiving the discs, which i took as a prompt to lay back and be invisible.

 

when this same mutual friend gave me that news about her rejection and confusion about the cds, it put me in a sour spot as it seemed she knew more about my situation than i did, which i found frustrating. i rashly deleted my girlfriend from my friendster account because of it, which i actually regret doing now.

 

as stated, i've had some very crucial realizations about myself and what role i took in our relationship since we've not spoken, but i also know the actions i take and the results that come from my work and time away from the city could be a big determining factor about what happens with us. the prrof is in the pudding, and the truth will arise after i've maken the changes in my life. at this point, i'm afraid to move back to the city because i don't know if my intentions for myself are clouded by my and my desire to work this out with her.

 

i respect her a ton, and i want to give her as much time as she needs to sort out her life. i feel like there is a great possibility (with cautious optimism of course) of reconcilliation if i play my cards right so look, any suggetions as to how to deal with this situation or insights into what you interpret "time off" to mean would truly be appreciated.