Should I Tell Best Friend I Fell Out of Love With Her

[Frank13]

I have known a co-worker for 3 years. She befriended me and talked to me all the time. We became best friends.

 

After a couple years, out of nowhere, I got feelings for her but I didn't say anything (we are both married). About 4 months after I got feelings, she got feelings and admitted it. I then admitted mine and they got much stronger. She admitted hers got stronger too.

 

We knew we couldn't do anything because we were both married (but she knew I was not happy in mine and would leave my wife for her. I have since separated) so she said she realized her feelings were wrong and put them to rest. I told her maybe her feelings for me were never real. She said they were. She also said she didn't want my feelings for her to die, but just put to rest like hers. Of course I fell even harder for her because now I wanted what I couldn't have.

 

She knew I was totally in love with her and sexually attracted to her but it never affected the friendship. In fact she liked when I told her I loved her. She never tells me she loves me but does hug me every day. When I have asked her if she loves me like a friend, she would never say "yes", only that she loves the friendship. She acts like we are just good friends and everything is normal. At this point, I am sure that is all she feels for me (although she has gotten jealous when I talked to a new female employee).

 

Anyway, about a month ago (8 months after I got feelings) the feelings started fading away and in a couple weeks I felt like I fell out of love with her. There were several things that happened that I think may have caused it. I waited to see if the feelings would come back. At one point they increased a little but faded away after a day or two. There were even days when I felt like I didn't even want the friendship anymore. Not that I was mad at her or anything, but more like it wasn't that big of a deal to be friends with her.

 

Now a month later I no longer feel I am in love with her at all and I don't think the feelings will come back. I feel like I did before I caught the feelings. It is great to have that monkey off my back and not have to deal with the emotions, jealousy, and feelings all over the place.

 

She has been wanting to get a promotion for a long time and I am in a position to help make that happen, which I have been trying to do because she deserves it. I told her if she gets promoted (she will do the same job and still work with me but at a higher wage), my work there will be done and I will probably leave the company (something I have been wanting to do but never would have done it when I was in love with her). She told me if I am going to leave once she gets promoted, then she doesn't want the promotion. Also, in the recent pass when I told her I was thinking of leaving the company, she said she wanted to go with me.

 

So, I am wondering if I should tell her that I am no longer in love with her. If me having feelings would have affected the friendship negatively, of course I would tell her. But since it didn't, is there any point in telling her? Maybe she likes the attention and the feeling of me being in love with her, because it is safe and she knows it will never go anywhere (myself, I wouldn't put someone else through that).

 

If I am happy now that I am no longer in love with someone I can't have, and she is happy thinking I am in love with her, is it perhaps best to leave it that way? Is not telling her doing her any harm?

 

Finally, if I told her I was no longer in love with her, do you think she would start getting feelings for me? I don't want her to, so would consider not saying anything if this is a possibility.

 

Thanks for reading.

Edited October 11, 2011 by Frank13

[Ajax]

My two cents? I'd just leave it alone. Going out of your way to tell her you're no longer in love with her sounds petty and self serving. She also doesn't sound like that great of a friend. She liked it when you told her you loved her but didn't feel the same? Now that really is self serving on her part. She liked the ego boost you gave her.

 

Do what you feel you need to do to make yourself happy. If that means leaving the company, so be it. She hasn't been providing for your emotional needs, so you don't owe her anything more.

[Frank13]

Thank you for the reply.

 

You made great points from all angles and I have to say I agree with you, especially the last sentence. Thanks again.