Zabs Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Just reading a few threads...and my question relates to equality in relationships and co-dependency. If you are always "there" for someone despite the pain you endure yourself....not always being in YOUR best interests...would you consider yourself an emotional crutch or an extremely compassionate supportive partner? COmments please! Zabs xx Link to post Share on other sites
mike588 Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Just reading a few threads...and my question relates to equality in relationships and co-dependency. If you are always "there" for someone despite the pain you endure yourself....not always being in YOUR best interests...would you consider yourself an emotional crutch or an extremely compassionate supportive partner? COmments please! Zabs xx I was always there for her but there was'nt any "pain" I had to endure myself or always against my best interest. I wasn't a door mat either. I had boundries, maybe not enough though. I considered myself a compassionate supportive partner. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveNoob Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Just reading a few threads...and my question relates to equality in relationships and co-dependency. If you are always "there" for someone despite the pain you endure yourself....not always being in YOUR best interests...would you consider yourself an emotional crutch or an extremely compassionate supportive partner? COmments please! Zabs xx Well, this summer my relationship of 3 years ended.I think i have only been an "crutch" and "emotional tampon" for her AFTER she broke up with me and she was a emotional wreck till she started going out and sort of dating another girl (she's bi) and ruining her own life, aswell as hurting me. Now she appearantly no longer needs me as her almost daily contacting me has been reduced to practically nothing. At the time i considered myself an extremely compassionate supportive friend to someone who has confused and needed some time and space before she could be my girlfriend again. In hindsight, i've been a crutch for her post break-up. People reading this and knowing my story will now collectively shout "We told you so". Link to post Share on other sites
TheDovic Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 I was the definition of an emotional crutch, and after carrying her for 4 years I finally had enough, and when the crutch was removed she left me! Her family didn't believe how big her problems were but now they do and are extremely worried about her. She still texts and emails, often telling me about her problems but I don't bite because it isn't my job to keep her propped up any more!!! Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zabs Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 but I don't bite because it isn't my job to keep her propped up any more!!! REality check D..it never was your job...but you did because you have a big heart with lots of love in it for everyone...time to start loving you now...keep on track honey xx Z x Link to post Share on other sites
TheDovic Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 but I don't bite because it isn't my job to keep her propped up any more!!! REality check D..it never was your job...but you did because you have a big heart with lots of love in it for everyone...time to start loving you now...keep on track honey xx Z x I love you Zabs lol. Move to Ireland with me Link to post Share on other sites
lymtal1 Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 co-dependent totally. did an inventory of all my relationships and it really opened my eyes to this problem. never set up boundaries and really didn't know what it meant till i had to face the issues i had in all relationships. think i am going to be better in the future but it took this pain and suffering to realize where i was. i have to believe it was worth it though, i hope i can do better in the future. no i know i will. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveNoob Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 I've been unfortunate enough to get sucked in by kind, sweet affectionate and fun girls only to find out they have a bigger baggage train than the russian army in World War 2. Owh and then i get dumped for more wild/fun guys or girls once they are more stable. I swear i am NOT out to find girls with issues but it seems every woman i ever speak to and who is interested in me has skeletons of dinosaurs in her closet. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zabs Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 I swear i am NOT out to find girls with issues but it seems every woman i ever speak to and who is interested in me has skeletons of dinosaurs in her closet. Perhaps THEY can see something in you...how do you present yourself to the world? And, is that person the REAL you? Dovic..you darl! Zabs xx Link to post Share on other sites
LoveNoob Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 I swear i am NOT out to find girls with issues but it seems every woman i ever speak to and who is interested in me has skeletons of dinosaurs in her closet. Perhaps THEY can see something in you...how do you present yourself to the world? And, is that person the REAL you? Dovic..you darl! Zabs xx I have no idea what you mean with presenting myself and if that's the real me. I dont 'present' i just am, and yeah that's the real me, though i suppose in private and around my geeky friends im more nerdy/geeky. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Zabs Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 Sorry, Noob.. Er..I suppose it means do you act the way you think you are EXPECTED to or are you more of a what you see is what you get person... The reason I ask is that sometimes we THINK we are being ourselves because we have behaved in such a way for most of our lives, that's just the way we are...but there is a difference between the two. Ie: I am inherently, what you see is what you get...but because of gaining important people's approval earlier in life, I have lived most of my life being what others want me to be...which I think most people can agree is not the same as being yourself!! I have always been a rescuer...hence the saying 'but for the grace of God go I'....now, I tend to take care of myself...and it's not because I am selfish..it's called self-preservation. Zabs xx Link to post Share on other sites
redblack66 Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 I swear i am NOT out to find girls with issues but it seems every woman i ever speak to and who is interested in me has skeletons of dinosaurs in her closet. Perhaps THEY can see something in you...how do you present yourself to the world? And, is that person the REAL you? Dovic..you darl! Zabs xx An older woman told me once think about this "What is in me or about me so that I attract these type of people." Think about it. Link to post Share on other sites
LoveNoob Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 Sorry, Noob.. Er..I suppose it means do you act the way you think you are EXPECTED to or are you more of a what you see is what you get person... The reason I ask is that sometimes we THINK we are being ourselves because we have behaved in such a way for most of our lives, that's just the way we are...but there is a difference between the two. Ie: I am inherently, what you see is what you get...but because of gaining important people's approval earlier in life, I have lived most of my life being what others want me to be...which I think most people can agree is not the same as being yourself!! I have always been a rescuer...hence the saying 'but for the grace of God go I'....now, I tend to take care of myself...and it's not because I am selfish..it's called self-preservation. Zabs xx Yeah that's kinda what i meant with my reply, i am as i am, what you see is what you get etc, i do not act differently to get someone's approval or anything like that. Maybe i'm too 'nice' though and listen to people and offer comfort and support and encouragement if something is bothering them etc. That will naturally also include girls i might have feelings for. So i'm a naturally supportive person, but the line between supportive person and crutch is very very fine and it's easy to be used by someone, whether they do it on purpose or without thinking. Example would be my ex-GF who faces some heavy mental issues such as depression, low esteem. Even though in normal situations it would be best to just say "goodbye" and go NC after a break-up, i lingered around hoping all she needed was some time to settle down and see i wasnt going to abandon her and i really did find her special. I dont mean to spread my stuff in other threads, it would probably annoy people. You can read about it here: http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?t=298489&page=3 Link to post Share on other sites
betterdeal Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 You know, it is possible to turn those conversations around. What would you rather do than discuss someone's deep feelings and issues? Maybe play Frisbee, for example. So suggest it. You can take on board what they're saying, whilst at the same time recognising what you're saying to yourself at the same time, and learn how to politely suggest changing the conversation. Their feelings are important, but they aren't your feelings. You may well not be able to solve their problems for them, but you can see if they want to do something you want to do. This works surprisingly well once you get the timing right and if they're receptive to the idea. Take a pause, and ask something like "shall we change the conversation?" or "would you like some dinner?". And it works internally too. Being able to say, "okay, I don't know the answer. let's put that to one side for now, and go for a walk" has helped me to manage my feelings better, and it's helped when I've done the same with friends and family: on almost all occasions, they are relieved to have a way out of the impasse. Link to post Share on other sites
radiodarcy Posted October 12, 2011 Share Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) If you are always "there" for someone despite the pain you endure yourself....not always being in YOUR best interests...would you consider yourself an emotional crutch or an extremely compassionate supportive partner? COmments please! Zabs xx this is exactly how i was with the ex. at the time i considered myself to be a compassionate supportive partner. but i now realize i was only being used - - and not even as emotional crutch just as an empty receptacle for his insecurities and sexual frustrations. so i really think i was used an ego booster as opposed to a crutch. he never made any comment as to whether he realized how much i tried to be there for him. and he certainly never made any effort to be there for me emotionally. not to mention i have a strong sense that he was getting support - - emotional and otherwise - - from resources other than me. Edited October 12, 2011 by radiodarcy Link to post Share on other sites
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