Some advice about marriage.

[centrifugio]

My wife and I sometimes argue because of ideas differences bottom line.

 

She is super religious I am in the other far end where I don't believe in God or better say life is about who is on top I am opposed to many things in life and I think life could be for all of us could be better arrange. But that just an idea and it doesn't mean I want that involved in my marriage something to share only I really don't care about that as I care for my marriage.

 

In the other side I believe in marriage and respect that to the end, But stress is building up from some of this differences. I want to have childrens she is not ready to have children right now, still going to school. and I think it is fine. what bathers me the most is that she is supper jealous. Well when we were dating long time ago I made the mistake to tell her I wanted "to have something with other girls " now she always think I am with other women. Which it was only a thought. The fact of doing it is totally different.again in deed it is difficult to me to have an affair as I have had some opportunities to do so. I respect marriage but lately she is been pounding me pounding me, I told her focus on the things you need to, not in what possible can happen. Well Another thing I have gone out with a marriage woman as "friends" the marriage woman always have a body language where I can notice she wants something but actually won't admitted. I would like some too. all this is happening because our relationship between me and my wife is so stressful and we are not focus on what we should be focusing, family, thinking of future kids maintenance.

 

It is crazy when you are in a situation like this. I want the family but uchhhhhhhhh it is not working the way it should be. we have been into this for 5 years already. I am going nuts. Don't have anybody to talk about that other than this forum. I prefer to talk about that here because friends, family always betray me and end up talking about my personal things which I don't like that too much.

[TigerCub]

I don't get why people do this at all.

 

You and your wife got married even though you share completely different opinions on 2 of the most major issues when it comes to marriage and kids

1. Religion

2. If/when kids will be had.

 

So you get married anyways, and somewhere along the line tell her how you want to sleep with other women(sure, you just told her, you didn't really do it, but still probably a dumb move)

 

and now you want to use the fact that you and your wife aren't seeing eye to eye or getting along as an excuse to hang out with a married woman that's sending you vibes?

 

really?

 

and how old are you guys? She's still in school and you've been married for 5 years?

 

Also, if you two aren't really on the same page, why do you want to bring a kid into the mess?

 

I'm sorry if I'm not offering you the solutions you're looking for, I'm just asking the questions your should have asked yourself.

[Owl]

Agreed.

 

The two of you don't have the same or similar moral infrastructures for critical parts of any relationship.

 

You either need to find a way to synch those up, or you're going to remain in a rocky situation.

[MissBee]

I don't get why people do this at all.

 

You and your wife got married even though you share completely different opinions on 2 of the most major issues when it comes to marriage and kids

1. Religion

2. If/when kids will be had.

 

So you get married anyways, and somewhere along the line tell her how you want to sleep with other women(sure, you just told her, you didn't really do it, but still probably a dumb move)

 

and now you want to use the fact that you and your wife aren't seeing eye to eye or getting along as an excuse to hang out with a married woman that's sending you vibes?

 

really?

 

and how old are you guys? She's still in school and you've been married for 5 years?

 

Also, if you two aren't really on the same page, why do you want to bring a kid into the mess?

 

I'm sorry if I'm not offering you the solutions you're looking for, I'm just asking the questions your should have asked yourself.

 

I concur.

 

It is an example of one of those marriages/relationships that make no sense and is formed on everything but core values. It's all good and well to have casual relationships with people who differ from you in certain values but for something like marriage...that is an absolute nightmare. Compatibility and complement are necessary IMO...we can like different activities, different food, etc but if we do not agree on some fundamental ideologies...then those other secondary "pluses" don't matter.

 

Perhaps now is the time to figure out whether or not this marriage can continue or if it would serve both of you for it to be dissolved.

[KathyM]

You need to stop going out with this married woman who has a romantic interest in you. It's no wonder why your wife is feeling suspicious. You tell her while you're dating that you want to go out with other women, and now you're seeing a married woman for friendship when you know she has romantic feelings towards you. You need to reassure your wife that you would never betray her, and that you value her trust, and would never jeopardize that. And keep reassuring her of that. And stop doing and saying things that would lead her to believe she has reason to doubt your ability to remain monogamous.

[analystfromhell]

The last bit of your message, where you describe not wanting to bring family or friends into it was the most troubling to me. It's ALWAYS hard to bring family into things but are you hesitant because you don't respect their judgement or because you don't like what they have to say?

 

Imagine you are writing a paper for school. Would it be hard and stressful for someone who is an expect on the topic (you and your wife) to read criticize the paper? Yes- probably but it's also likely the paper would be improved by the process. Avoiding things you don't want to hear is easier in the short term but destructive overall. Without knowing anything of your circumstances it seems wise to me to talk with your friends and family about what's going on. Yes, they'll likely poke their noses into your business and it will be stressful but perhaps, just perhaps, you'll have a clearer path as a result.

[sadcalifornian]

Communication, communication, and communication. Without it, M is stale and dead. You just have to do your best to make the most of your M. If indeed things are so bad then you have to start contemplating D, instead of A.

 

I had been in an extremely unhappy M for 10 yrs, during which I had numerous opportunities to have A with various women. I don't know why, as I am not the most attractive-looking guy around, but one woman after another send the signal to me thru, as you call it, "body language". Divorced women are more assertive with it, and married women send those signals more subtly. But, I never bit on any of those opportunities and stayed faithful. Even when those signals are so obvious that the whole office staffs are gossiping behind my back, I managed to just ignore them. Eventually, they give up and seem to lose interest. One divorced lady literally quit the company solely because I would not reciprocate her advances.

 

The thought in my mind was always no matter how bad my M is, what good would it do? Well, after 10 yrs of M, it was my W who stepped out to have an A and asked for D soon after. I tried R, but after 4-5 months, I just let her go. After another 4 months or so, she started begging me to take her back, and I didn't. After all this, I never felt so proud of myself having been clear of any indiscretion during my M. Some people say it's not fair and I should have been in hindsight. But, I honestly can say that I never regretted my resisting the temptation and keeping my integrity. My conscience is clear and that's something I have come to really value in myself.

 

The point being, don't have an A with an excuse of unhappy M. Don't see them as an cause & effect thing. They are two completely irrelevant acts.