LonelyInsomniac Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Hey folks. I met a girl online in April, whom for the past couple of months I've been "dating" and making plans with to move in with. While we don't have a particularly significant gap in age, she and I seem to be at completely different stages of our lives. She wants my approval, I adore her. However... I've been feeling for a while now that she's not serious about this relationship. For example - to move in together, it's going to take a lot of money. She has a hobby that can pay, but she's got family issues where her mother takes all her money and arranges false business deals with her in exchange for her craft labor. I offered to help fund her, and have done 90% of the business research for her, but she says she doesn't want to feel like she's imposing. And then after she says that, she also gets very uncomfortable when we talk about an equal exchange ("if you want, you can pay me back for materials after you sell") or any sort of... pressure. "Pressure" seems to translate to "a plan". If she's uncomfortable doing something, I offer to do it for her. A lot of times it's pulling teeth just to figure out IF she's uncomfortable with something, because she agrees to everything and, in her own words, "has no boundaries". Speaking of no boundaries, at one point a guy was drunkenly masturbating on webcam to her. She hinted at the situation before our relationship that he was "sending pictures". Later on, during a session, I learned with some tooth pulling that he'd been webcaming with her since. She never told him "no," because that would be "mean" - she just let him masturbate in the background because he's depressed and she doesn't want to hurt him. I recently asked her to cut contact with him (yet again, after many conversations of "this is unfair to both you AND him"), and she said she didn't want to put him on ignore because she didn't want to hurt him, and wanted to be "gentle". She gave me his screen name... I don't feel right about this though. I'm going to have to be fighting both her and my battles, on top of being the primary income, the only one planning, and possibly the guy funding her stuff fetishes down the road. She also has a Skype addiction. All I ask is that she lets me know when she's free, but she insists on dividing her attention between Skype and myself, even when I'm having a bad day and could really use her attention. I drop everything to listen to her when she's having trouble with her family, and I can't even get her to listen to my problems. When she talks to me about a problem... she has a pet peeve about the way I talk that I've been working on. When I approach her with a problem, I get "I'm sorry you feel that way," and "I can see how you might think that, I'm just not a good communicator". The problem isn't her verbal communication - the problem is her actions, and she gently refuses to acknowledge this. I went to a bar for the first time since July to have a few drinks, since I was really feeling stressed. I couldn't help but notice I got more validation from strangers throwing darts with me than my own girlfriend. She expresses more attraction to my artwork of other men than me - while it's validating of my talents... the guy behind the pencil is kind of sick of being second place to Skype and fictional characters. I kind of figured she just didn't comment on those sort of things beforehand - I'm in my prime, sometimes athletically toned, good hygiene, nice glasses and all that jazz. She's a good girl, and when she's not distracted by Skype she can be affectionate and I can have a conversation with her... but I'm starting to feel more like her sugar daddy, and more insecure than when I started. Before this, I had several relationships where I was cheated on, one being a year-long one that completely threw everything I knew about relationships out the window. I'm not suspicious of her cheating... but I do feel like I'm getting strung along. I feel like I'm doing all of the work and then quietly being blamed for "thinking" the wrong way, even though she goes into a big "I'm not worthy" spiel while I've never had my feet go so cold with someone actively wanting me around. Are my expectations and grievances unreasonable? Have any of you dealt, successfully or otherwise, with what seems to be - despite denials - passive rejection like this? Is this salvageable without any work on her end? Link to post Share on other sites
Author LonelyInsomniac Posted October 11, 2011 Author Share Posted October 11, 2011 She's on, an hour and a half later than she said she'd be. She's also slept through a walking date before. Complaining about her morning, but generally being nice to me. I feel like I just missed my window to break up with her until the next incident... urgh. Link to post Share on other sites
aisle_seat Posted October 11, 2011 Share Posted October 11, 2011 Can I ask how old you both are? From what you've said she seems very immature to me. Have you met her in person or has the entire relationship taken place online? It worries me that she doesn't seem to be able to say "no". It's incredibly disrespectful to you that she allows someone to masturbate in her presence online...man, I don't even know what to say about that one. It does not bode well that she seems to tell you what you want to hear, then not back it up with her actions. My advice? Sorry, but I'd steer clear of her. You seem like you've got a lot going for you and could find someone willing to put more effort into building a relationship with you. What you seem to have with this woman is a project masquerading as a girlfriend. Link to post Share on other sites
Author LonelyInsomniac Posted October 12, 2011 Author Share Posted October 12, 2011 (edited) Hi Aisle, We're both in our twenties. She's lived a sheltered, albeit miserable life. I was going to fly to see her in November, but we couldn't compromise on accommodations after her parents decided against it. I'd told her the day before that I wasn't getting my needs met, which had been met with excuses and the insistence that I was too impatient, and so I stepped out to cool down only to find after telling her I was stepping out... a few messages of "please. Take your time. I can wait all night," which she insisted were sincere assurances that I was not being rushed. After she started getting distant/Skyping again yesterday (not long into our conversation), I told her I need a break. Anyway... she seemed surprised about the break. Like usual, I tried to talk through things with her, and she felt that I wasn't doing enough to communicate what I need to her. I've been vague at times, but I've explicitly addressed several of our issues multiple times in different ways, to no avail. I was in a good mood after that conversation. I can flirt with people again, and be flirted with, while knowing I'm not violating or disrespecting anyone. While I felt bad for hurting her... I felt an immense sense of validation in her having to cope with and adjust for a change. And then, in those moments I ended up alone, be it going to the bathroom or pouring myself a glass of water, all I could think is "what have I done". I could turn to her and talk to her about my day, life in general, banter. I know she was happy to have me, and hopes I'll come back. She's loyal, which is one of the most reassuring things in a lover to me. I miss her. I think part of the problem was that she didn't realize she would need to work to keep me. I think I'll contact her in a week... I already told her something's going to have to change if we're to last. If she starts doing the excuses again when I lay down the ground rules... I'm going to have to get over her. Thanks for your advice - it's up to me to figure out if Project Girlfriend is the piece of work I'm making it out to be now. Edited October 12, 2011 by LonelyInsomniac Link to post Share on other sites
Author LonelyInsomniac Posted December 14, 2011 Author Share Posted December 14, 2011 It's been officially broken up for two weeks now. She guilted me into "staying friends" with her. This was later used to manipulate me into hearing about how she valiantly stood up for me "not cheating on her" after our "weird break-up" against her father. I snapped, paraphrasing her, and she called me a ton of names as usual. She seems to think I have it easy, "envying how cold" I can be when I'm hurt. She never initiates contact, or apologizes for anything other than my thoughts ("I'm sorry you think that" is practically her mantra), so it should be pretty easy to get her out of my life. Went on a date with a girl a week ago, who was also kind of needy so I gently let her down. I guess my real question is how to attract women instead of girls now. Link to post Share on other sites
HeavenOrHell Posted December 15, 2011 Share Posted December 15, 2011 I just find it stunning reading your first post, how you were planning to move in together/nearer together, she sounds a nightmare. I mean, seriously-having a random stranger masturbating on cam to her/with her, surely that one thing alone would be enough to make a rational person run a mile?? Had you even met in real life? How could you plan to move in with someone you've not met?! Please read back over your posts and see how better off you are without this 'r/ship'. Act in a mature way and you're more likely to attract women instead of girls. It's been officially broken up for two weeks now. She guilted me into "staying friends" with her. This was later used to manipulate me into hearing about how she valiantly stood up for me "not cheating on her" after our "weird break-up" against her father. I snapped, paraphrasing her, and she called me a ton of names as usual. She seems to think I have it easy, "envying how cold" I can be when I'm hurt. She never initiates contact, or apologizes for anything other than my thoughts ("I'm sorry you think that" is practically her mantra), so it should be pretty easy to get her out of my life. Went on a date with a girl a week ago, who was also kind of needy so I gently let her down. I guess my real question is how to attract women instead of girls now. Link to post Share on other sites
Dust Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 It's been officially broken up for two weeks now. She guilted me into "staying friends" with her. This was later used to manipulate me into hearing about how she valiantly stood up for me "not cheating on her" after our "weird break-up" against her father. I snapped, paraphrasing her, and she called me a ton of names as usual. She seems to think I have it easy, "envying how cold" I can be when I'm hurt. She never initiates contact, or apologizes for anything other than my thoughts ("I'm sorry you think that" is practically her mantra), so it should be pretty easy to get her out of my life. Went on a date with a girl a week ago, who was also kind of needy so I gently let her down. I guess my real question is how to attract women instead of girls now. Well why don't you be the man then? A man doesn't attract woment, they attract him. Once one catches your eye throw on the charm and get things going nice and hot if you like her. Link to post Share on other sites
LZ2000 Posted December 16, 2011 Share Posted December 16, 2011 (edited) Oh my lord ! Your ex-girlfriend really resembles like my ex-girlfriend ! Yeah, my ex is also the type that doesn't know how to say "no", or doesn't want to "hurt" people. In other words, she probably has insecurity issues or does not know, when to draw a reasonable line in healthy relationships. To the OP, i think you did the right thing. Cheers to you. Edited December 16, 2011 by LZ2000 Link to post Share on other sites
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