Is it time to walk away?

[Annony]

It’s been almost 3 years now since I was overwhelmed with the feeling that H was having an affair. I don’t want to go into detail about why I suspected him since it was mostly a change in his behavior, and my “evidence” was purely circumstantial anyway. And my goal here isn’t to try to figure out whether or not he was cheating. I’m pretty sure he was involved with a woman from his office. At the very least it was an emotional affair. My goal is to try to figure out if I should give MC more time to help us turn things around, or if I should just walk away?

 

I thought I was doing the right thing by talking to him about how I was feeling first, but in hind-sight I should have snooped first and talked later. Anyway, this started in early 2009. We had a rational discussion about what I was feeling with lots of emotion on my part, but none from H. The consensus was that I should seek counseling. I had just lost a close family member in a horrible accident a few months before, and H suggested I talk to a professional about it.

 

My counselor suggested I stop questioning my H and find my own answers through whatever means possible. So I did some snooping in the beginning but didn’t find irrefutable proof. I still find myself fighting the urge to snoop or spy. Occasionally I give in but don’t find anything.

 

After 2 years of IC and a few weeks into MC, I’m still plagued with suspicions and doubts about him, and I don’t trust him anymore. I don’t think we can ever fully restore trust. MC understands why I distrust, but H doesn’t. H is offended that I don’t believe in him.

 

Through all of this, we have still managed to be respectful and loving to each other...mostly. Our counselor comments about how much love we both have for the other. But at this point, love isn’t enough for me. We have young children, and we get along well otherwise, but this elephant in the room doesn’t go away. I guess what bugs me the most is that deep down I know he lied to me, and every time he denies it, another part of me dies. I think what it’s going to come down to is I will lose all of the love & respect I have for him, and at that point the internal conflict that I’m struggling with will cease.

 

I think I just answered my own question. I would still like to know what you think since I’ve made you read all of this.

 

Thanks!

[Snowflower]

I am very sorry for your pain. I can't even imagine what that is like to be unable to confirm your suspicions.

 

Have your told your H what you just wrote here? What kinds of discussions have you had with him regarding your distrust and suspicions?

 

Based on your post, my guess is that he had some type of an affair and was never able to come clean with you because he was too much of a coward. It's unfortunate that you could never find the evidence that you needed to put your mind at ease one way or another.

 

I can't believe that MC wasn't able to help the two of you resolve this. What is your husband's explanation for his behavior that caused you to lose trust?

 

The best advice I can give you is to tell your H that without his reassurance and/or explanation for what happened 3 years ago, that you are going to end the marriage. And be prepared to do it. Have everything lined up (a place to live, money saved, etc) so that you can immediately walk if he still will not come clean with you.

 

If you take a hard line and are prepared emotionally, physically, and pragmatically to divorce him, there is a small chance that he will finally take you seriously and come clean with the truth, whatever it is.

 

Spouses who have cheated often think that simply ending the affair and returning to the marriage will be enough...no confession needed. They try to sweep everything under the rug and hope that it will go away and that their spouse (you) will never know.

 

It rarely works.

 

Hugs to you. I don't think my advice is very helpful to you but be true to yourself first. Continue to follow your instincts. They served you well 3 years ago when you knew something was wrong in your marriage and continue to serve you well.

[MilfinBerle]

Is it time to walk away?

Is your name Renee?

[Annony]

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. I haven't discussed these feelings with him since we started MC. And even then it was a very different conversation. I began to realize that I wouldn't be able to trust him again, and I said something along the lines of I think we'll have to go our separate ways if we can't resolve this. His response was why prolong it, just leave now. I felt he was rushing me to make a decision I wasn't ready to make, so we started MC instead. Now he says he didn't mean it and that he wants to work it out.

 

There is no doubt he is angry with me for not trusting him. It shows anytime we've ever discussed it. He becomes defensive and starts deflecting everything I say. Now we just don't discuss it because MC says we shouldn't until we're ready to hear each other.

 

It was a long time before I got a real explanation about the change in his behavior. The first time I brought it up he was furious at me for not appreciating his efforts in other areas...ie how hard he works and the sacrifices he makes for us. "What more do you want from me?" was his response. And at first it worked. I felt like such a nag and even started to doubt myself. Of course that's changed, and he admits now that his priorities were skewed. He explains that he might have been a little depressed about the pressure he was under at work. Too little too late? I don't think I would have suspected an OW if he had been forthcoming with that information from the beginning, but who knows.

[xxoo]

After 2 years of IC and a few weeks into MC, I’m still plagued with suspicions and doubts about him, and I don’t trust him anymore. I don’t think we can ever fully restore trust. MC understands why I distrust, but H doesn’t. H is offended that I don’t believe in him.

 

If it has only been a few weeks of MC, I'd invest a solid 6-12 months before making a decision.

 

Give MC a chance, but also give yourself an endpoint, at least in your mind, if things do not improve for you.

[Snowflower]

Your H should be able to look you in the eye and say that he did not have an affair, if that were indeed true. Sure, nobody wants to be accused of something they didn't do...but his deflection of your questions and doubts should speak volumes to you.

 

Decide what is acceptable to you and stick with it. If it wasn't an affair for him 3 years ago, then tell him he needs to describe exactly what was going on with him. I doubt it was stress from work or you not appreciating him enough.

 

He needs to be able to answer your questions satisfactorily if your marriage is going to continue. If he cannot/will not then you have answer.

[RiverRunning]

What did he do to make you suspicious in the first place? You mention his behavior but I haven't seen any clear descriptions of that behavior in this thread. I assume he was staying late at work? Maybe acting distant or aggressive toward you (sometimes they'll also be much friendlier and romantic toward you...guilt about the affair). Was he hiding things - reaching for his phone or closing browser windows when you approach?

 

Those are legitimate reasons to start questioning an affair. If he works a stressful job, it might make sense that he'd suddenly stay late at work. In that case, I do think it justifies snooping. But from the sounds of it, you've continually turned up dry when you've snooped. Is it possible he's just that excellent at hiding it? Sure - but you would think after this long he'd slip up.

 

Like the others have said...keep going to counseling and see if you can get this taken care of.